That night, I finally stepped out of my room.

After wreaking havoc, for which I still didn't feel remotely guilty, I had promised Azure to return to Sognare when I was ready. He had let me return home and after hours of tossing and turning, at three thirty in the morning, I decided I couldn't force myself to sleep. My brain was too puzzled, my entire body aching and throbbing. 

Even though I felt like I was in a warp, the exquisite decorations in the palace gardens told me there was some event in full swing earlier that evening. I had of course, missed whatever it was and somehow couldn't find it in myself to care. 

I walked as if in entranced, my feet carrying me towards my dad's room on the third floor.
It was late and I didn't really expect him to be awake. But I hoped that he was. I was terrified of being alone. For the first time in my life, solitude scared me. My own thoughts terrified me. 

I reached the familiar wooden door and knocked on it gently, not expecting an answer.

"Zeke?"

I was slightly surpised that he was awake, even more so that he knew it was me. "Yeah," I spoke, my voice hoarse, "may I come in?"

"It's open. Come on in."

I opened the door and stood awkwardly near the entrance. My dad was sitting on a couch at the far end of the room. It was mostly dark, save for a lampshade near the sofa. There were lots of bookshelves and a number of papers littered on the desk in front of him. "You're awake."

"Keen observation, Ezekiel," he said, smirking slightly as he arranged some sheets and set them aside.

I shut the door and walked over to him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "What are you doing?"

"Tryng to arrange the finances." He shook his head, "or else Elijah will have a mess in his hands."

I sat beside him my stomach clenching uncomfortably, "Are you abdicating?"

He shook his head, "No plans as for now. I don't want to thrust anything on him sooner than it has to."

I stared at him silently, suddenly seeing how exhausted he looked. His startling eyes looked sunken, his skin so pale that it almost matched mine. 

"You look sick, dad," I said. "Are you alright?"

He nodded, massaging his temple. "Just exhausted, Zeke."

"Is it okay if I stay here?" I asked after a long silence.

He gazed at me, his eyes darkening and brows furrowing slightly in concern. "Of course."

I took a deep breath and lay my head on his lap, curling up. I shut my eyes, letting him stroke my forehead as I whispered, "I'm sorry dad."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Zeke." He said softly. His caressing touch almost made me cry again as my heart broke. Why was kindness so ironically damning?

"I killed someone, dad. I murdered him."

"I believe he deserved it. You are not a murderer, Zeke. You were driven by hatred. Which he deserved."

"Did he..did he die dad?" I asked softly. I was terrified of the answer. I was terrified of what I had done. Even though I had told my dad that I wanted him dead, I wasn't sure I actually registered it.

"I will not tell you, Zeke," he said, his voice gentle but firm, "let me make this decision for you."

I didn't answer. I knew there was no point in arguing with him. He was trying to protect me from the knowledge, keeping me in the dark. I was secretly relieved.

I was quiet for a long while. Finally, I opened my eyes and gazing at the door. I whispered softly, placing my hand on my chest, as if I oculd feel the void inside. "Aris killed himself."

The words sent a panful jolt through my body, making me shudder slightly. The void in my chest expanded and consumed me whole.

"He..he called me before he did it. His dad found out...about us. And he has this new wife and baby..."

I didn't know if my dad knew about me. If he knew I was in love with Aris. But somehow, he seemed to know everything without me ever really telling him.

"You are in love with him," he whispered, tenderly storking my head. "I'm so sorry, Zeke."

I remained silent. After the graveyard incidence, my heart seemed to have lost all will to feel. I felt like I had a knife in my throat. I noticed how he said 'are'. Not 'were'. And it was true.

"He changed me dad. And now he's gone." I whispered. "He is my best friend."

He sighed deeply, "I wish there was something I could do, Zeke. It kills me to know that there isn't."

I wiped my nose on my sleeve, turning around so I was lying on my back, my face gazing upwards at him. "How would you deal with this dad? How would you get rid of this hollow?"

I clutched my chest instinctively as if feeling the tangible abyss underneath for the hundredth time. A space occupied by him, a part of me now annhilated. Mere shambles.

"I have never loved anyone like you have loved him, Zeke," he spoke softly, his grey eyes dark.

"Not even Celeste?" I asked.

He sighed, "I care deeply for her. She is my partner for life. The mother of my children. And she is a strong, beautiful, generous woman whom I admire."

I gazed at him. "But you don't love her?"

He smiled sadly, "I never had the chance to love, Zeke. I already had the responsibilities of the state thrusted on me. I resolved to destructive ways. But never experienced love."

The revelation was strange to me. When it came to love, it was like the Ellermans were rather unlucky. 

"I wish I hadn't," I spoke.

"Then you wouldn't be the person you are today."

"A fucking mess."

He sighed. "No, Zeke. In all my years I have known you, I have never seen you break down like that. You've always created a barrier against your emotions. Fighting them tooth and nail. You are affectionate, but you never used to let it reach your heart. Always accepting. Everything."

I closed my eyes, "I don't want to feel these emotions dad. They're killing me." My voice shook almost incoherently. 

"They're making you more human," he whispered, "I am not going to give you crap about the fact that it makes you stronger. I don't think that is something you need to hear right now.All I can tell you, is that it is making you, you Ezekiel. This is who you are. Someone who can love deeply. Feel intensely. Grieve."

"You are always making excuses for me dad. You and Aris. The only ones to ever do that."

My voice sounded strangely detached. Did my emotions make me more human? If this burning agony was what it meant, I would rather not be. It was easier to be heartless. Perhaps wiser to be inhuman.

"Reasons, Zeke. Not excuses." He lowered his voice. I was shocked to find his words trembling slightly. "You are so loved, Zeke. And you need to understand that love is not a favour. That you deserve to be loved."

"At the end, is it worth it dad?"

He was quiet for a while before he asked thoughtfully, "Love?"

"Yes," I answered. "Is it worth it? All those moments of happiness, all these fickle emotions, is it worth the agony of losing the person you love with everything you've ever had? If we could weigh it on a scale, which one would win dad? Is the happiness in the world greater than the anguish? Is the goodness brighter than the  cruelty? Why does agony break us more than love could ever repair?"

He remained silent. He had shut his eyes, as if in pain. "In all truth I don't know, Zeke." He whispered, "but I think it is the sheer hope that it is worth it that keeps a man going."

I sat up, leaning into him. Letting his warmth thaw my heart.

I hadn't stopped hoping myself. Detesting myself for it. I had had enough experience in the twenty years of my life to know that hope was simply a vicious beast, cloaked in robes of desire. Enticing the heart. Igniting it. And just when the first cinder incinerated inside the fragile chest, it assailed its captor. Leaving behind nothing but trivial, futile ashes. 

There was no way I was strong enough. I would succumb to the pain. When it was time.