"And you're sure you want to do this?" Billie had an expression of worry as he looked over at me behind the steering wheel of his parked car, eyebrows raised in question as he waited patiently for my response.

I think he could see my nerves. See how much I was dreading this.

A breath fell out of me as I turned away from him. Staring at the cemetery once more. "I should get it out the way." I replied honestly. My gaze moving from headstone to headstone. "I came back to California with the idea of seeing them. I owe it if anything,"

"Y'know..." Billies voice trailed off. I turned my neck back to look at him, as he took his hands off the steering wheel and on to his lap. "Just because the cemetery is on the way to Tre's doesn't mean we have to do it now," He looked away from me. Pursing hue lips for a moment as he fiddled with his hands. "I know it'll be hard and... well, you don't have to push yourself to do this. I know I say a lot about you chasing your past-" He laughed light heartedly. Looking back to me. "But if you wanna wait. You should listen to yourself really,"

Billie and I had taken a detour down to the cemetery on our journey to Tres where him and Mike were waiting. I decided today I wouldn't let all this consume me anymore, every moment I've wasted wishing I could alter my past I've fucked so many current moments up.

"It's far over due," I pointed out, shrugging slightly. "This is all I have now, of them. And if this is the way I have to see my parents now than I will." I explained, looking back out the window. "I'm going to have to,"

"Alright." Billie replied.

I got out of Billies car, shutting the car door with my shaking hands.

I was ridiculous to be nervous. I had nothing to be nervous for, but as I walked through the cemetery my heart played a thudding beat through my ears.

Then I spotted their names, my heart sank.

Two separate grave stones, beside each other. With my parents names engraved.

I swallowed. Looking around, almost avoiding them still.

I felt shameful here. If they could've seen me, they'd of asked what nerve I had. To be visiting them now.

But I imagine maybe if they could've seen me, if they could've held me. They would. Because maybe they'd missed me.

Crossing my arms hastily over my chest. I breathed in. Letting the fullness of the cemetery sink in for a second. The eerie atmosphere, the whistling silence, those two headstones.

I try to tell myself there was nothing I could've done. Their deaths were caused by a series of truly unfortunate events that I couldn't of seen or altered if I tried.

But yet I had a guilt, standing above them.

"I don't forgive you... by the way," I mumbled, gaze avoiding their names. There was a silence carried through the graveyard. My eyes narrowed back to the gravestones. "For... y'know... wanting to get rid of me like that,"

I made a stupid choice running away. A stupid, stupid choice. But I was only young and I was hurt.

I don't regret leaving sometimes. A part of me had made the choice of leaving years before I had left.

But I will always regret leaving it too late. Like I almost had with Billie, deciding not to ever try to contact him.

I felt my lip quiver as I bit it. Tears pooling at the bottom of my vision. "But that doesn't mean I don't miss you," My voice shook slightly. I blinked, feeling tears strain down my cheeks.

Like I had with my parents.

I raised my hand to wipe them, not taking my eyes away from the two.

"I'm not really sure if I can ever find closure in all of this," I mumbled. I felt ashamed to be standing over their dead bodies. I resented them as teenagers but this was never what I had wanted. "With you both being... gone."

It was hard to not have a reply. It was odd to just talk to two pieces of stone and mud. But under their was my parents and this would be all I ever have left.

"I came back wanting to smooth things over at the very least. I suppose I didn't want you to always hate me. And a part of me didn't like wanting to always hate you." I tightened my hands on my arms. It was cold outside, cold and lonely. "But now I'll never really know if you did die hating me as much as I feared."

Elora was all I had in understanding how my parents felt about me. But she didn't know from the beginning. They had her to fill a space and I'll never know if that came out of replacement, or sorrow. And I don't think Elora does really either.

I sucked a sharp breath in. Trying, desperately, to get it together. "I just... want you to know," I swallowed back what would've been a sob. "This isn't the way I wanted it to end. I had some hope maybe we could've found peace together in what havoc I left. That there could've been a chance of having my parents again." I blinked. Furiously trying to keep tears at bay. Although it was no use, they just continued to spill. "But I suppose that's out the window now.

"It's hard. With you both gone. There's no closure here to find and standing here... six feet over you both makes me realise there won't be closure. I can't trick myself into believing you both didn't hate me for leaving you behind. But..." my eyes looked up to the sky. I tried to find the right words to use, although it didn't really matter anyway. "But I don't hate you," my voice broke, wobbling. "Not anymore,"

My mom didn't speak to many people. She didn't have too many friends, I don't think she really cared for socialising too much. She only ever really spoke to the neighbours when she had too. Occasionally my grandma. My dad.

My dad only ever spoke on the phone to his work friends. The important kind of people.

I didn't know any of those apart from maybe a neighbour or too and my grandma.

The one they were going to... give me away too.

My eyes widened as I looked down at the grave stones. A thought buzzing round in my head as I realised.

I turned my attention around, scanning the grave yard before I quickly began my way out, making my way fast back to where Billie Joe had left his car.

When I did see Billie, his window was rolled down as he was smoking a cigarette. He noticed me, as I quickly made it to the car, opening the passengers door.

"I need you to drop me off back home," I breathed out, sitting down and shutting the car door.

Billie looked over at me confused. "What?"

"I need you to drop me off at my..." I swallowed uncomfortably, before correcting myself. "At Eloras house. You'll have to go with out me- there's something I've got to do,"

Billie squinted, head tilted slightly to the side. "Echo im confused. What is it you've got to do that's so important?"

"I've just had an idea and-"

"-it's not anything gory is it?" Billie grimaced.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him in offence. "Are you asking me if I plan on digging up my parents?"

He released his brows, narrowing his eyes from my gaze. "I'm only joking,"

"I just need to sort a few things out that's all. You're going to have to tell Mike and Tre something came up and I can't join them," I explained smoothly.

I wasn't worried, I had a clear plan in my mind and there was a long shot I could make this plan work.

"Well I'll join if you like," Billie shrugged one shoulder, hands loosely around the steering wheel as he squinted his eyes in front.

I rolled my eyes, pulling down his sun visor as the shade rested over his eyes. He blinked, before mumbling a thank you.

"It's not anything intriguing," I assured, pulling my own sun visor down. "

I think he realised I didn't want him to question me anymore. He rolled his shoulders untensing. Noticing the tip of his cigarette was majority of just ash. He flicked it out the car and began to start to car.

If- by a long shot- my grandma was still even alive. She could've been the one person my mom spoke to it all about once it happened. And even when Elora came around.

There's this hole in my life, I've got a past I don't know or understand. That's why I can't let go.

All I needed was to know. And that would be closure.

The drive to Eloras was Billie vaguely questioning me on what I was planning on doing. For no reason in particular, I decided not to tell him. Incase this all went wrong.

I think he took that insultingly though. I wondered if our argument the other night was still haunting his head, or was it because I was last minute dropping out of plans.

By the time we got to Eloras. I turned to Billie Joe and assured him that I would call him later, and explain. Because only later would I know what next steps to take. And for those steps, I would need him there.

But he didn't know that yet.

I made my way to the door. Hearing Billie drive away.

I wasn't nervous, for once, I was confident.

I've been scrambling to find closure since I was only eighteen. Years and years I've spent in this ditch not knowing how I'm suppose to leave. To think I'd figured it all out right there in one great big epiphany gave me hope this could be the end of my regret.

Then I realised.

It could just be the beginning.

Elora opened the door, if she hadn't I might've just tried to run away.

"Oh," her voice sounded pleasantly surprise to see me. "Hi Echo,"

This could go two ways:

Way one: closure. If by chance my grandma hadn't kicked the bucket, she could fill the blanks in. I could find out what happened with my parents when I left. How they were.

But that ran the risk of way two: they could've fucking hated me for it.

And where's the closure in that?

"Hi Elora," My voice wasn't as confident as I had been only forty seconds ago. And Elora noticed.

Her head tilted gently to the side. "Is everything alright?" She questioned.

I suppose I had nothing to lose.

"Everything's fine." I smiled. Which wiped the worry off her face. "I've just been thinking about some stuff and- well... can I come in?"

"Of course," She nodded, giving me a grin as she stepped back pulling the door open with her.

I let myself in, closing the door behind me, as the two of us walked into the livingroom taking a seat.

Elora sat where she normally did, by the arm of the couch. Her eyes watched me patiently, as I took a breath in sitting beside her.

"Are you sure everything's okay? I mean-" She gave me a sheepish smile. "-I don't mean to pester. You just seem a little on edge,"

I'm always on the fucking edge at this point.

"I assure you, everything's alright. I just wondered something,"

She waited for me to elaborate. But this question could be make or break for me. My dream of closure could of only lasted twenty minutes if my grandma was gone.

I kept my eyes to the coffee table as I dragged my voice back through my throat. "Did you ever meet... moms mom?"

I didn't look at her. I couldn't dare.

"Grandma," she replied.

I nodded with excitement, or more relief. Turning my head back to her. "Yes!"

Elora let a small chuckle out. But confusion was filling her face. "Course. I mean- on the odd occasions I'd stay over for a handful of nights. Not often though, her bungalow is in a very secluded town,"

The drive to my grandmas that one day after school began to play in my memory. The long, windy roads, my parents arguing in the front seat, staring at my phone waiting to hear from Billie.

I'd of given anything to sit again now in that back seat and listen to them bicker about the directions.

"Is she..." I refrained from saying the word dead out loud. A question like that seems rude to ask, but I really had no clue.

"Alive?"

Mentally, I face palmed. Alive would've been a better word than dead.

"Yeah..." my voice trailed off again.

I didn't believe in a god. But in my head I prayed to anyone listening that she was. As I stared again at the coffee table.

"Shes still alive," Eloras voice was cheery the least to say. "I spoke to her on the phone only just a few days ago,"

I could've cheered. Just to stand up and hold my hands in the air and thank the world for a fucking break.

Elora noticed my excitement at hearing this. Which led to the complete wrong assumption. "Were you two close?"

"Erm..." I wiped the expression of my face. "Well... I never saw her much. Of course apart from when they were gonna send me there,"

Elora nodded. Standing up. "I've got her number if you'd like to get back in contact? She'd love to hear from you,"

I got to my feet, staring closely at Elora with speculation. "What do you mean she'd love to hear from me?"

She gulped awkwardly, my heart had dropped because I already knew Elora had mentioned my arrival to my grandma.

"Did you tell her I came back?" I suppose I wasn't angry necessarily. Although I'd of like to been the one to explain everything.

But too little too late.

"I couldn't not," She admitted guilty. "I thought it would've been nice news to her,"

If I'd of not wanted to get into contact with my grandma. I would've been annoyed.

But sometimes I forget the fact that I left people with out a word. I'd pulled near enough the greatest Irish goodbye, my arrival back home would've course been news gossip and shared across phone calls.

I took in a breath. I wasn't here to get side tracked. Or to be angry. "It's alright," I assured quickly. "But I would like her number. I probably owe her a phone call after all this time,"

Elora nodded in agreement. Before silently leaving me stood in the living room.

My eyes wandered around the room. All the old ornaments, the new pictures. This was my old living room but it wasn't. This was my old home but it wasn't.

I felt like a ghost stood here.

Shortly after, Elora returned with a small sheet of paper and my grandmas details scribbled across it. I took it kindly and thanked her, before excusing myself quickly out of the house.

I caught a cab back to mine and Billie joes, since he'd be gone for the whole night I wondered if I could do this call on my own.

The paper stared at me for the rest of the day sat there by the mantle piece. Beckoning me over, begging me to put the numbers into my phone.

I didn't.

But I thought long about what might happen when I would call. Trying to figure out what I should expect. But my guess was as good as anyone else's.

IM BACK AND I HAVE SUCH A PLAN FOR THIS STORY, WHICH IS MEETING ITS END,

IM SO SORRY FOR MY UPDATES. But I'm finally back on track now and I'm focusing purely on pulling off a good ending to this book

Please please enjoy!!