This is what having a massive crush on someone feels like
~Clinton Kane

I want you to know, but I don't want to tell you.

~Anonymous

Chapter Twelve - Charcoal Canvas

In moments like this, I regret giving my brother my phone. He must've changed my ringtone again and set my phone into ring. He knows how I hated that. I always put my phone in silent mode because one, I spend most of my times at school and two, because I like avoiding situations such as this one.

I slowly pulled out my phone and pressed the answer button while I discreetly avoided the green eyes gazing at me.

"Hello?" I whispered to the phone.

I waited for a voice to respond but got nothing. Not even a simple 'hi' back. Then it ended.

I hate it when people do that. Don't they know not to mess with peoples feeling? Or time? I could've spent that precious time running out but no, whoever that someone is, had to ruin the moment and make me stay in this freaking place, red faced in front of my long time crush.

Whoo freaking Yay.

Once I was done with my call I pocketed it and fiddled with the strap of my camera, which I had completely forgotten.

Okay, where were we

Oh right, I just embarrassed myself in front of the boy I may or may not be in love with.

Again.

Awesome.

"Hey."

My head snapped to Blake who now placed his pencil on the grass and sat cross-legged facing me.

My eyes widened.

Holy cheesecow boomboomsplatsplat.

I bent my head downward to look at him. He waved at me. He had a small smile gracing his face but that didn't cover the his questioning gaze at me. He had his eyebrows furrowed and curiosity was shining through his green eyes.

 Of course I would be curious too if I saw someone pop up suddenly out of nowhere.

I awkwardly waved back and uttered the first thing I thought of.

"Y-Yo." My voice reached an octave higher as I spoke.

And we're back to yo. Great.

"Hey." he said as his smile slowly widened. Huh?

"Yo?" I repeated myself following his lead. I don't even know what I'm doing.

Still looking at me, he carefully placed his sketchbook that was previously sitting on his lap on the grass and stood up. I raised my eyebrows at him hiding the fact that I was exploding and screaming inside.

He quickly dusted his jeans and walked towards me now wearing a full blown smile.

ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION. ABORT THE FRICKING MISSION.

My first instinct was to run but my feet were seemingly frozen. Blake stopped in  front of me and pushed up his glasses making his freckled nose evident and up to view. His eyes were coated with a gorgeous forest green color making me get lost in them for a second.

Unlike the boys I usually read about, I can perfectly see acne in his face, mainly his cheek and a faint pimple in his forehead hidden by a few strands of his blonde locks.

Shit he's cute.

He extended his hand out for me to shake.
"Hey." His dimples peeked out from his cheeks as he grinned at me. His blonde hair getting messy as he shook his head.

Catching his drift, I too grinned at him and slowly took his hand praying to God that I don't have anything in my teeth.

My palm instantly felt warm when it made contact with his and my heart was literally beating too loud that even my eardrums could feel the beating sound.

Feel. Not hear. Catch the difference? No? Good cause I don't too.

I slowly shook his hand, grasping how his hand felt enclose in mine while looking up at his eyes.

Blue met green and let me tell you, I loved the feeling of his eyes staring at me. It wasn't like the whole world stopped or anything. I don't exactly know what, but there's just this feeling. It was a mix or comfort and sincerity and an anonymous force saying 'Hey I know you don't know nor care about me but trust me when I say everything's gonna be alright'

So I trusted it.

"Yo." We just stared at each other grinning like idiots.

Idiots who are in love.

I mentally snorted.

This is one of the downfalls of being a bookworm or simply someone who watches too many chickflicks. Your expectations are too high.See this is exactly a moment in those romance books where two people meet unexpectedly, be friends then bam.

They're in love.

But sadly, my life isn't one.

A pink cherry blossom leaf fell down and flew pass my nose making me sneeze. I quickly withdrew my hand from Blakes' and rubbed the bottom of my nose using my hoody's sleeve.

I looked at him sheepishly."S-sorry, my nose is a little sensitive."He chuckled and placed his hands inside his pocket. He shrugged one shoulder. "It's fine. I under-"

I cut him off when I sneezed again. A little more louder than last time. I rubbed my nose with my sleeves and smiled nervously.

I craned my neck to look up at him when a loose strand of my hair went directly to my mouth. Yuck. I thought of the unpleasant sight Blake had to witness. I grabbed the strand and placed it behind my ear. Stupid wind.

"Um, maybe you should. Yeah." Blake pointed towards my forehead where multiple strands of baby hairs were scattered and falling. Come on, one time I have a moment with my crush and the world still manages to make me ugly I wiped them away and hurriedly tried to arrange them trying to look at least a little decent.

Because, well I'm talking to a boy.

Who is my crush.

Yeah I know every girl understands.

Noticing his eerie silence, I looked up at him and saw him looking at me with widened eyes. He blinked at me. Eyes zeroing on my forehead.

Shit, do I have a pimple there?

"Shit." oh he also likes saying shit. Goals. He cursed and took out his hand that was tucked in his pocket and looked at his palm. Sure enough, it was covered in charcoal. Greyish black charcoal. Wait. I got his idea and looked at my own hand that I used to wipe away the strands on my forehead.

It was covered in charcoal which means my forehead is also covered in charcoal.

Nice.

Despite myself, I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. Hey it's not everyday my forehead becomes a canvas for charcoal.

"Sorry. I forgot about that. Here, let me help you clean that up." He grabbed my hand and started walking towards the bottom of the tree as if nothing was wrong. Well nothing is wrong, it's just the fact that the boy I like is holding my hand without a care in the world.

He held my shoulders and forced me to sit down at the base of the tree trunk. Kneeling, he opened his grey bag pack which I only noticed and took out a packet of tissue.

He turned to me and sat in front of me not needing to kneel seeing that he was taller. His face was directly in front of mine as he leaned in and wept all of the strands of my hair that were covering my forehead with his hand.

I sucked in a sharp breath as I got a whiff of his cologne. It was something between a sweet baby cologne and something a little more masculine. He froze. He then leaned away and looked at me wide eyed. "Sorry. I just got nervous and I understand if you want to do it yourself and pardon me for my actions. I understand that you don't know me and being close to your personal bubble might be uncomfortable to you and I know that consent is-" He slowly turned his head to look at me, eyes widened and smiled sheepishly while rubbing the back of his neck. I am really not regretting my dumb decision of going into a possibly haunted and tricky maze.

I looked at him and bursted out laughing. Not too much though. My laugh is not something to be proud about. I mentally congratulated myself seeing that my laugh was a little pleasant but I guess I was wrong.

Blake stared at me for a couple more seconds before laughing as well. "You sound like a dying walrus." He said in between laughs.

"Oh yeah well you sound like a witch who just swallowed a robot." I retorted letting my true self shine out.

He stopped laughing. "That doesn't even make sense."

I thought of what I said and realized it really doesn't make sense so I tried to play it out and pointed a finger at him. "W-well you don't make sense."

He copied me and jutted a finger at my direction. "Neither do you." We both let out small chuckles and finally settled down. Both leaning our backs at the tree trunk and staring at the little garden infront of us.

"So," He started off breaking the silence. "Do you still want to wipe the charcoal off you forehead or are you waiting for a pony magically popping out of nowhere and clean your face" He looked at me in the corner of his eyes. His mouth was curved upwards and his dimple was slightly visible.

At this point of the conversation, I didn't even care if I looked like a fool infront of him. I mean, it's better to start being yourself infront of someone you like rather than being something you're not. I rather be real and end up heartbroken than be fake and in a relationship.

Who even said that you were gonna be in a relationship?

Touche.

I snorted and took out the tissue in his hand. "You're crazy." I smiled, staring at the tissue at my hand. "But thanks." I quietly said.

I took out my phone and used it as a mirror as I wiped my forehead not caring that it was beginning to take on the shade of a tomato. Once I successfully managed to wipe out all the dirt on my face, I folded the dirty tissue and chucked it at the pocket of my bag seeing that there were no trash cans in here.

I glanced at Blake to see him with his eyes closed. His sketchpad and other drawing materials discarded at the side of his leg.

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here alone."He muttered softly whilst glancing at me with an eyebrow raised.

Yes. "No." I answered.

"You're lying." His eyes held something in them that was like unraveling me little by little. "No I'm not."

He turned so that his body was now facing me and looked me in the eye as if challenging me.

I held my ground and maintained staring at him. His green orbs flickered with a little bit of brown flecks making my inner fangirl swoon and go crazy. The wind kept getting stronger as his hair became more wild and messy in a good way and mine in a bad way.

Then he said something completely out of the conversation. "You're blushing." He pointed out. Instinctively my hand went to cover my cheeks as I looked at him wide eyed.

He grinned like a cheshire cat then licked his bottom lip, casting his eyes away ever so slightly. "I-It's actually cute." his voice got lower, something near of a whisper.

I turned away from him and turned on my camera ignoring the grinning fool a few feet from me. I started taking pictures of the garden and the beautiful blossom tree above me. The tree was really unique in it's own way but when I looked at the picture I took of it in my camera, it was like a whole new perspective.

The light was shining evidently making colored rays appear. The different shades of pink leaves were alluring and gave the tree a mysterious and wonderous filled vibe.

I didn't even realize that I was standing and walking around taking pictures of various things. There were a few butterflies, little fish in the mini pond and different flowers.
One particular flower caught my attention though. It was a medium sized flower with gradient petals coloring from red to yellow.
It had a tall yellow pollen tube that was covered with tiny yellow beads.

"That's a Rosemallow." I was startled when a voice spoke next to me. I looked up to see Blake.

"It still makes me wonder how it still survived though. They're usually found in tropical regions." He explained. I nodded and stood up, turning off my camera and placing the cap back on.

I faced him. He had his head cocked to the side with eyebrows furrowed. His tongue was poking the inside of his cheek. "I may not be the most social person but I just know that I haven't seen you in these school grounds before."

"Oh yeah, I'm new here It's my first week actually." I whispered, all my confidence drained down as I followed behind him walking back towards the bottom of the tree.

"Then you must really be adventurous if you found out about the maze. Not to mention reach the center." He picked up my bag which I took off awhile ago before I wandered off and handed it towards me.

"Thanks." I held on the bag and swung it around placing it on my back. He then turned back and fixed up his things occasionally glancing at me a few times. I waited for him observing as he placed and handled his belongings with care. He took out a little black pouch-like bag and chucked his pencil there in a hurry.

Blake stood to his full height with his bagpack slung over one of his shoulders and faced me. We stood there awkwardly, both of us not having a thing to say.

"So," He started off digging his hands deep into his pockets. He unconsciously bit his lip and licked them then met my eyes.

Holy mother of someone named tasha. Is it just me or does he do things with his lips often. Just me?

"Wanna get out of here?" He asked. I nodded. There wasn't really anything to talk about so I just followed him, staggering a few steps back seeing that he knows the way out which I don't.

I probably should take note on how many lefts and right it would take to reach the middle. I took out my phone and opened my notepad seeing that my oh so wonderful mind lacks skill in memorization. Wow, I'm really dumb. I mean yeah I have high grades and scores but when it comes to basic things in life such as cooking, cleaning, and working on problems I'm not the wises bunch.

I often get scolded or chased by an angry mom because of my stupidity. And considering that my mom's a half Filipino, we know shit goes down. Especially since she swears in a language that usually ends with puta and uses her slippers sometimes instead of our clothes' hangers.

Too caught up in my own world, I didn't notice that we were halfway throughout the maze. See what I mean? If I could sell my stupidity and un-wiseness I would be a billionaire.

I thought oh hell and pocketed my phone since it'd be useless if I start taking notes on directions right now.

A little few minutes of me and Blake walking, I began to notice that we were in fact close to the outside. I could really tell why people don't go in here anymore. The bushes were past me and Blake's height which is speaking a lot of volumes since I'm 5'6.

People in this school also weren't informed that there's a beautiful cherry blossom tree in the middle of their long forgotten maze since let's be honest cherry blossom trees are a hit these days. I don't know what would happen if a student would find out about this and spread the word.

One thing I know though that most of them would use it as a spot to take selfies and pictures then post it on snapchat or twitter since that's what all teens these days do.

It's kinda sad though. For example I watched a video not a long time ago where a girl was being harassed by two boys. Many people saw it but not even one stood up to help. The boys were noticeably making the young girl uncomfortable yet people just stared and eavesdropped. Even the girl who was recording the incident kept saying how the victim shouldn't have worn a dress if she was going out and how hot the boys who were harassing the girl were. Her friend also said how she would die to be in the victims shoes right now.

I understand that not all girls would take these situations the same way the victim did. Some of us have experience or are normally put into this things and don't even care since they pretty much do it on a daily basis but we also need to respect the innocent ones.

Like, people especially girls can dress however they want. We don't judge or harass boys who walk around shirtless. Nothing is wrong with what we wear. The problem is how boys act and deliver themselves towards the opposite gender. I mean it's okay to be flirty and joke around but before you make the next move, you need to ask for consent or see that both parties are enjoying each other's company and actions. Sure boys and girls often do......things that I will not mention because my mind is already 69% polluted but I just want people to stop acting like horny bastards were sex is treated like something important as much as food is and start acting more human.

I always worried about my mental state.

I kept ranting on and on and on in my head without going back to reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie where I catch myself mouthing words and doing facial expressions that actors do.

Maybe I am crazy.

It get's to the point where I can't seem to drag myself out of my mind and into reality. Only a strong action or reflex done by another person can trigger something in me and bring me back to the physical world.

Which is why I bumped into Blakes back. Nice.

Great. Absolutely fricking great.

I automatically took a step back and rubbed my nose muttering "Sorry."

Blake turned around and stared at me. His amusement was shining through his green orbs. I comforted myself saying at least I made him smile.

"To be honest I never expected that to happen seeing that I'm pretty hard not to miss and not to mention the fact that I was just a few feet ahead of you." Well, technically he's right. He really is hard not to miss.

You know that feeling where you want to say something but you don't want to make it awkward or you simple have no words to come out of your mouth no matter how much you force them?

Yeah that's my current scenario. I couldn't think of anything else to say and I also don't wanna say goodbye because this may be the only chance I get to personally talk to him.

A hand waved in front of my face.

"H-huh?" I raised my eyebrows.

"You keep zoning out." He copied my action and raised his right eyebrow. His hands were again at the pocket of his jeans tucked firmly.

Since I don't want to think too hard and fall at the bottom of my subconscious, I opt to do the first thing that popped on my mind. I smiled a full blown smile where you could see my food friendly teeth. Then I realized how silly I must look so the full blown smile became an awkward one. I didn't trust my mouth to say anything

The five minute bell rung signalling us that class will be starting and we should probably hurry up before we get our asses kicked to detention.

I looked up and gulped when I saw him looking at me with one of 'those' smiles.
By 'those' smiles I mean to say his smiles that are just full genuine-ism-ish. They're just too nice and angelic for my eyes to bear.

He looks like an angel and I look like an ogre.

Great match.

"I guess we have to go now." He bit his bottom lip and looked anywhere but me. Is it just me and my ego or does he seem nervous? Probably my ego.

He must've noticed me staring because just us our eyes met and he quickly turned away rubbing his neck. I noticed his cheeks turn a shade of pink.

Is he blushing?

Why is he blushing.

Is that even a blush.

Maybe it's just the wind.

I dug my hands in the pocket of my hoody and swung on the ball of my feet. "Alright, I guess this is b-"

"Don't." He interjected.

"Huh?" I asked bewildered.

"Don't say goodbye." He said more like demanded which I think he took notice of too since his eyes widened. He quickly took out his hands from his pockets and made gestures using his hand. "What I mean to say was don't you think it's a little too early to say goodbye? Um, I mean don't you want us to cross paths again?" I noticed his voice reached an octave higher when he made it to the end of the sentence.

I was speechless for a couple of seconds but thankfully I was able to open my mouth and compose myself. "Um yeah sure. Haha. Yeah. Of course I want us to meet up again. You know just the two of us. Talking. Or playing. Whatever floats your boat." I guess we're both weird dorks.

His eyebrows raised when I reached the middle part of my sentence but quickly morphed into a small smile.

"Okay. That's, cool."

"So um, see you soon?" I whispered, not saying goodbye since I got the idea of what he babbled about.

"Yeah. Soon." He stared at me a little longer than what I expected but hey I'm not complaining since I can close my eyes tonight and think of his oh so gorgeous eyes.

Gross Nevaeh. Gross. But you're still gonna do it so I'll let you be.

"One more thing though." I peeked through my lashes. His mouth lifted up a little bit and although his dimples weren't fully on display, I can clearly see the indent. He licked his lips and stared at me intensely while walking backwards, his bagpack hiked on one shoulder.

"You're still blushing."

"GET OUT!!!" A booming voice startled me while I was trying hard to trace something using my phone and a blank plain white paper. Frick. I muttered profanities as I grabbed my eraser from my bag and started fixing my messed up masterpiece.

I looked up at the commotion and found Ms. Yezett shouting and pushing two people out of the library door. Yes, I'm at the library since I still had to do my project with River.

I am also proud to say that I have achieved an accomplishment. I didn't embarrass myself or got lost or possibly get kidnapped because of my clumsiness on the way here. I did however though, met Ms. Yezett. She was a pretty petite lady I met a while ago since I bumped right into her when she was carrying books......

Okay I did something embarrassing but I said ON the way to the library. I didn't say In the library. Whatever, I'm still congratulating myself whether I did something worth congratulating or not.

The Ms. Yezett I met and the Ms. Yezett I'm seeing now are two different people. With dark skin and and blonde poofy hair, Ms. Yezett really stood out amongst a crowd of people. It wasn't her skin color or hair that made her unique since come on, being black or an afro doesn't change or define who you are. It was her eyes. Half of an eye is colored a striking grey while the other half was amber.

She was tall. Like tall. As in 6 feet tall so it's hard not to get intimidated by her. Her big, doe, one of a kind eyes may scare you if looked upon a different perspective. Her sharp yet thin nose was paired with her bow shaped lip covered in red lipstick. She looks young like in her early twenties but I don't wanna judge a book by its cover. Whatever her age is, I can assure one thing. She has a good taste in fashion. She wore grey plaid pants that hugged her legs paired with a graphic tee tucked in and with a cropped blazer with the same pattern as her pants placed over her shirt. She had tan wedges on and her hair was tied up in a bun leaving a few strands completing the look.

I heard someone whistle beside me. "Are you turning gay on me sweetcheeks?" I turned around and glared at River. He smirked as he sat down and dragged out a chair from under the table, sitting beside me.

"Asshole." I nodded my head towards him setting aside the fact that I got lost in my lalaland whilst staring at Ms. Yezett's butt. Talk about awkward.

"Someone's in a bad mood." He raised his eyebrow.

"You're here that's why." I cleaned up my things and took out our supposedly project.

"So, are we going to establish the fact that you were eyeing the librarians butt?"

"Why do you always find a way to annoy me?" I asked him exasperatedly.

"Because you always find a way to amuse me." He smirked.

I rolled my eyes and tried finding our project. I couldn't find it.

Huh, that's weird.

That's when it hit me.

"We don't have a project. Miss Jones just paired us and now I feel like a monkey who just lost his ability to climb." I banged my head on the table.

My sentence doesn't even make sense.

"Yes we have a project. You just didn't listen carefully, probably too busy thinking of me." I raised my head from the table and glared at him.

"Yeah I've been thinking of ways on how to kill you. Let's just get this done so that we can go home." I grumbled and took out an extra notebook that I always have on my bag incase of any emergencies.

"Now what is the project all about again?" I asked while fiddling with my pencil.

"Alright let's get down to business. The beautiful, sweet, kind and c-"

"Just get to the point shithead." I glared at him. I barely knew the guy and here I was calling him names. It didn't affect my conscience though. All the good manners taught to me always seem to find a way to fly out of the window every time I talk to this guy.

I just have a good feeling about him -not that I will ever tell him that - but It's like I know him or something. And that's the problem, I don't even know him that well.

"Feisty aren't we?" He smirked. I want to punch him in the face just to get that smirk out.

I gave him my deadliest glare. He raised his arms in surrender. "Alright. Jeez I was gonna tell you but you interrupted me. Now as I was saying, Ms. Jones wanted us to write a 2-3 minute jingle about the topics we discussed this week."

"But it's math." I pointed out.

"Exactly. Wow your brain does work. Maybe you should stare at butts often. It brings out the intellectual side of you." He leaned up close and wiggled his eyebrows. I pushed his head away.

Cocky buttfaced asshole.

As I wrote down a lyric that I miraculously formed in my mind within a minute, a sudden thought dawned on me.

I didn't tell Blake my name.