"I am remembering you with each breath I inhale, while I try to forget you with each breath I exhale."

~r.z.~ 

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When Shaurya was wheeled into the private room, his first thought was that someone must have died and he was attending their funeral. Every surface was filled with vases of flowers and large bouquets hung from the roof, as he could not smell anything, he presumed it to be a result of the grogginess, till the nurse informed him that all the arrangements were of artificial silk as real flowers were not allowed. Shaurya smiled, the arrangements were definitely not by the women of his family, which meant it could be organised by only one person and he so wanted to see her.

He was made to settle in before the family members were allowed to troop inside, all of whom milled around him as they tried to make out how well he was. Shaurya felt a joy in his heart seeing his family around him and though he seemed a trifled surprised at some faces, still continued to seek for her. He saw Aabha, gave her a brief smile and turning back to his mother inquired, "Mom, Where is Nisha?"

There was stunned silence as none knew what to make out of Shaurya's question, and it turned to shock when he repeated his question. When Aabha heard Nisha's name, she staggered, uncaring of the fact that her nails were digging into Ishaani's skin, unable to make any sense of what Shaurya had asked and felt absolutely numb. Before anyone could recover and say a word, she stumbled out of the room, unconcerned of what anyone would think; she knew that she just had to leave before she collapsed.

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It was a little later, that a thoughtful Dr Bhattacharya faced them. He looked at the faces of those sitting before him, Vardhan and Pratap, Shaurya's uncle and father respectively, both sat with an air of worry that was palpable, despite their impassive faces; Reyansh, who was visibility agitated and Aabha, who seemed too stunned to react. He felt sympathy for the brave young woman who would now be grappling with the fact that the man she loved and who loved her, no longer appeared to remember her. She was, undoubtedly, the biggest victim of the surgery.

Clearing his throat, he said, "We would have to run some more tests, but what seems to have happened is that he appears to have forgotten some part of his life, the period and extent of which we would be able to determine after running the requisite tests.

Now as to your next question, as how that is possible, I am not sure myself, I am hazarding a guess here and it would be confirmed by additional tests. The brain is a very complicated organ, it could be that during the clipping surgery, a small artery that leads to the hippocampus, that part of the brain where memories are stored, could have been frayed or damaged. As a result of such damage, there are two scenarios; the part where the memories are stored itself has been damaged in which situation he might never recover those memories, but if only the nerves which assist in the retrieval have been damaged, the brain could self-heal to pick an alternate pathway for such retrieval. Only time can tell, though, in the immediate scenario, it would be preferable if we do not present him with conflicting truths but gently ease him into the facts."

Aabha was too stupefied to even think straight, the only thing that seemed to echo in her mind was the expectation in Shaurya's question, "Where is Nisha?" 

She remembered how they had discussed all the options and the doctor had convinced them there was no possibility of a memory loss, where Shaurya would wake up forgetting them all; she could recall Dr Bhattacharya's exact words, 'the aneurysm is in the frontal lobe and this part of the brain is involved in motor function, problem-solving, spontaneity, memory, language, initiation, judgement, impulse control, social behaviour and sexual activity. The memory function is limited to integrating the longer non-tasking based memories stored across the brain. The part of the brain responsible for a person's memory is the limbic system, set deep inside medial temporal lobe and there is no way the proposed surgery would affect that area.'

She sat with her eyes closed, still trying to process what Dr Bhattacharya had said, it appeared that even science was no match for the determined fates, who seemed relentless when it came to ensuring that she could never be happy in love.

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Later that evening, at the Rathore Mansion, where both the families were gathered, Dr Bhattacharya's initial prognosis was conveyed to all present. The euphoria at the success of Shaurya's surgery immediately faded to melancholy as the implications of the situation sank in.

In the silence that followed, Aabha could hear the unspoken request; she knew what she should do, nobody had to ask her. She simply declared her decision; as everyone was aware her application for pursuing her doctorate had been accepted and she had been admitted but had sought permission to delay her joining for the course, in view of Shaurya's surgery. She informed them that she had already spoken to the Head of the Department earlier in the day and had informed the Institution that she would be starting from the very next week itself. Shaurya was a priority for her; if her presence was a possible hurdle to his recovery, this would be the best solution.

Without waiting for any response she left the room and their house.

Her announcement was not well received by her family as her Dadi launched into a tirade as to how her granddaughter's life would be destroyed if Shaurya never recovered his memories of her. She raised the questions that none wanted to address, 'How long did they expect Aabha to wait for Shaurya? And what did everyone plan to do with Ishaani and Reyansh, would their wedding also be deferred till such time Shaurya recovered his memories? And would even Reyansh'srelationship with Ishani be kept a secret?'

These uncomfortable questions had the Rathores squirming and even Vardhan was silent, acknowledging both the pertinence of her questions and his helplessness in not having any answers. Matters only got worse when both Ishaani and Reyansh declared that they would not get married till Aabha and Shaurya did. Things reached an impasse and Gautam Bansal walked out with his entire family.

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"Why are you pretending that all is right with you? And how do you think you can pretend to be fine in front of us when we know how devastated you must be?"

Aabha shook her head, unable to speak and refute them when her mother continued, "So you are trying to say that you do not care that Shaurya has forgotten about you and he only remembers Nisha?"

Aabha sat in silence, looking at the shambles that her room was in; 'much like my life,' she thought. Her suitcase lay open on the bed with her clothes haphazardly thrown in; her books lay scattered as she was unable to decide which ones to take and which to leave behind. She had been trying to pack her stuff ever since she had come back from Shaurya's house but could not summon the bare minimum focus it needed. And when her family returned, their faces of dismay, ire and anger reflecting her own inner feelings, she had struggled to put on a smiling face.

But then she realised that she was not fooling anyone and it was a very defeated Aabha who looked up at Mahua and answered, "No, Maa, it is not like that, I am miserable about Shaurya not remembering me. And it hurts, hurts more than I can tell. I love him, Maa, I cannot even express how much and...but then maybe we are not destined to be together, maybe it was fated that we could be together only for few months and not forever as we believed. See the irony of the situation, Maa, he remembers Nisha who left him and has forgotten me, who has been by his side all these days."

But before Mahua could say a word, Gautam patted Aabha on her head and said tenderly, "You should not give fate so much credit, and never think that you are not destined to be together. Life does give second chances, if it were not so, do you think your mother and I could be together after so many years?"

She replied with a teary smile, "Maybe you are right, I will not give up hope so soon, but for now, let me go, I cannot stay here without being able to meet him and if what you say is right and he does remember soon, he would also get angry that I lost a year. So it would be in everyone's best interests that I go. Please, Baba, please let me go."

Gautam and Mahua looked at their daughter, the one they knew who was putting on a brave face for them but was breaking inside and realised that letting her go was the only way she could piece herself together. As Gautam held her in his arms, he felt helpless at not being able to do anything for her, while it was a very silent Mahua who nodded their agreement.

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Aabha had made the decision to stay away on the spur of the moment, she hated herself at that moment, she had always believed that love did not exist and suspected that destiny would never allow her that happiness. But when she had fallen in love with Shaurya, she had fallen in love with his idea and beliefs also. She knew that he loved her, so she had felt that his beliefs about love must also be true. And now she realised that destiny is greater than belief and that fate is stronger than dreams and that hope is the cruellest of all. Her love for Shaurya had given her hope; of love, laughter and a happily ever after. But life had proved that she was right, love stories were only meant for fairy tales, not for someone like her. She knew she should have never trusted fate.

When she went to meet the Rathores for one last time, Vardhan asked her, "Why are you doing this, Aabha? There really is no need for you to go away. You do love Shaurya and I never thought you would be one to accept defeat so easily."

"Bade Papa, I can fight circumstances, not my fate. And as Shuarya believes, the bonds of the heart cannot be forced. Moreover, whether I stay or not, it does not change the fact the Shaurya has forgotten me and that my constant presence could be difficult for his recovery. I do not have much of a choice, do I?"

Vardhan nodded his asset, his grim expression indicating his reluctance acceptance of her words.

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Aabha walked slowly along the hospital corridor, her mind numb and heart in turmoil. She knew that she should leave without seeing him, it would only intensify the hurt and pain she felt, hurt that he remembered his ex-girlfriend and the agony at being forgotten by him. But she could not resist, she wanted to see him one last time before she walked out of his life.

She quietly pushed the door open, hoping he would be asleep; he was not. He seemed to be staring at the wall in front of him and seeing him had all memories of them come to fore. She stood hesitant, wondering what his reaction would be and whether it was right on her part to confuse him, after all she was leaving because everyone was afraid she could be an inexplicable complication in his life. But now it was too late, he had caught sight of her and she just hoped that there would be no adverse reactions from him.

He glanced at her with an enquiring look and she fumbled, "I am Shivani's friend, I am sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to say something...." and unable to stop herself, blurted "Do you know the difference between infinity, forever and eternity?"

Shaurya was a trifle bewildered, both at the stranger, who professed to be his sister's friend but he had no recall of the same, and the strangeness of the question, though he did not hesitate with the answer, "they are all time spans, infinity is unlimited amount of time, forever means lasting for a limitless time and eternity is unending time. But I guess they would mean different things to different people. Why do you ask?"

Aabha felt her eyes mist and she replied, "You answered it a little differently, the first time, but it does not matter anymore for I have now realised the difference myself." 

And stepping out into the corridor, she closed the door firmly behind her. She sank into one of the visitors' chairs and removing the engagement ring that Shaurya had so lovingly placed on her finger, strung both his and her rings on that mouli and wore around her neck, hidden from the world but close to her heart. It did not matter what life held for her, she would always love him. Wiping her tears, she twisted her hair into a tighter bun, rammed a few pins in harshly and walked out of the hospital doors, into an unknown future.

She did not glance back even once, there was nothing to bind her, without Shaurya, her familiar life held nothing for her. And Shaurya was not to be blamed; he did love her to infinity, only his infinity had ended when he lost his memories. As long as she breathed, she would carry the memories of their love. She would love him forever and hoped that someday, he would remember her. 

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She had kept her hopes alive till a very dejected Dadi, who had the unenviable task of telling her the truth, to let her know that the doctors were convinced that Shaurya's chances of remembering were nil to non-existent. Aabha had broken down that night, till then for six months, she alone knew how much it hurt not being able to see him, not being able to talk to him; it was only a hope that he might remember that had kept her going.

The next morning, it was a very bleary-eyed and tear strained stranger who looked back at Aabha from her mirror, the dark circles intensifying the paleness of her face, a stranger who jolted her to reality. She removed the mouli from her neck and stared the rings; they were a tangible memory of days that would never return. She removed her ring, slipped it on her right hand and knotting the mouli with Shaurya's ring in it, slipped it over her neck. His ring felt heavy around her neck and as she flexed her fingers, she knew that her ring would be a tad uncomfortable when she would write. The weight and discomfort would now serve as a reminder that she should never trust fate.

She looked at the mirror and made a silent vow to herself. Now that she knew that there was no hope of having Shaurya back in her life, she would never go home, she could never go back to the city which now appeared to mock her, everything about it would a painful reminder of him. Life without him seemed to be an eternal night with no end in sight, she still loved him but she would bury that love deep, so deep that with time she could stop loving him.

I had originally planned this update to be in two parts, but then is seemed irrational and I really could not get a correct break point. So here it was in one shot, do let me know your views, especially about Aabha's reaction and decision.

love,
Nyna