We sat in the Gryffindor common room, gathered around the fire. Everyone was probably thinking what would happen if they did lose and feared it. I couldn't count myself in. I couldn't wait for the day I finally died. And although I did so many things that could and should cause it, sadly death never seemed to consider me worthy enough to greet me with his enduring peace.

Harry said something but I was too deep in thought to comprehend what he meant to say. No one of them cared anyways if I didn't. The others seemed to soak up every word he spoke. I would fight for them. Just because I was suicidal didn't mean I wanted them to lose, even though I probably wouldn't be the one to turn things around. I was just a side character. Here to be in the background. Silent. I never paid attention to those meetings anyway.

My head hurt a lot these times. Dreamless sleep potions didn't work for me anymore. Alkohol on the other side did. Lots of it.

"Effy?" I looked up in surprise that someone even remembered my name. "Yes?", I croaked, my voice was sore from the whole ugly crying I did when I was sure I was alone. Harry looked at me, his brows furrowed in concentration. "You will fight alongside Hermione and Lavender" I nodded. "Do you feel alright?" Now I was even more surprised. I took a deep breath and composed myself. I felt a mask of calmness slip over my features. "Sure" Glad that I had still mastered my voice of indifference I sat up straighter.

"Now, we still have a few horcruxes to kill, Hermione and Ron will do that while I will have a talk with Dumbledore's portrait. And the rest of you, please rest some time. I think the battle will be for sure quite exhausting", Harry ended his speech and got up. After he had disappeared through the portrait, our group slowly broke up until it was just Luna Lovegood and me.

"Are you scared?" She looked at me with her typical innocence and for the first time today, I was being honest. "No" I shrugged. "Do you think we will win?" She watched my reaction. Of course I didn't care, not for myself. "We will see", I said without further ado and got up. I knew exactly where I would spend my evening.

Though, what I hadn't considered, was Luna following me. "Where are you going?" Her eyes shone with curiosity. "To the astronomy tower, if you don't mind I would like to be alone for a little while" Taken aback by my underlying rudeness, she nodded hesitantly and turned around hurrying back to the dorms.

As I climbed the stairs I had to take my time due to being constantly exhausted. My head hurt and I had to lean on one of the columns, then slid down until I sat on the ground. Some time had passed since I had begun my sixth year. Dead eaters were everywhere. It had been Harry's and the other's luck that no one of them had already seen them.

I grabbed around for the liquor bottle until I had found it. Not even bothering to lift the disillusion spell, I brought it to my lips. It hurt when the cool liquid went down my throat. I just sat there and reflected about my life. About my family. Surely they wouldn't miss me. They always told me how my brother Nicolas was doing better. How I should be more like him. How I was not worthy. How abnorm I was. They didn't even know how much that hit the target.

My brother had a lucky streak. He passed his classes with flying colors. I could also do quite well but since my parents had always told me how I'd never be as good as him, I didn't even bother to try.

Apart from that, I didn't even have any burdens apart from my self loathing and low self confidence. My smile turned bitter. This just proved how I was indeed abnorm. No normal human would do what I was doing.

I leaned back and looked at the stars, suddenly wishing it would all end now. I couldn't wait for the dark slumber. No more pain.

Physical pain wasn't so hard to endure though. The death eaters had a very different idea of class than previous teachers. Everyone of us had at least once been under the cruciatus curse curse for at least five minutes. While everyone else had been shaken, I wasn't really. For the time being it had hurt but also had felt right. I did deserve all of this. Just not the rest of my fellow students.

I drank on and on until my eyes shut and a welcoming darkness wrapped around me, numbing my senses and letting me forget all for a while.

The next thing I knew was that I heard shouting. Curses and sometimes a loud bang. My head pounded and I opened my eyes slowly. Since I was sitting at the highest point of Hogwarts, near to the balcony railing that separated me from falling to my death, I could see each sides. The dead eaters all dressed in black with one pale figure at their front. That must be Voldemort.

My expression turned sour. Here they were all fighting for their lives while I sat up here lazily watching them from above. And while they wanted to live I couldn't wait to die. Nicholas was probably also down there. Was he cursing me? Was he ashamed that I was up here? Surely he knew of my bad habits. He had always been the one to find me those previous years.

And long ago he had decided that it didn't help to yell at me for my stupidity.

My eyes aimed at the balcony railing. I would just have to get up and walk towards it. Climb over it and I would be done. I would recieve my wish. And it would be quicker too. One particularly loud scream just proved this. I wouldn't be able to help them anyways. As my father, who had no idea of magic, always liked to point out.

When I got up, it felt as if the earth rumbled. I had to hold onto the railing tightly. It helped little. Everything was shaking and only me holding onto the metal  prevented me from being thrown down to them. The rumbling became stronger. Everything around me was vibrating so much that I couldn't focus on anything. It was like with those disco lights that blinked so fast that you see something but can't focus on it.

My strength weakened, my grip loosened. Here I was, close to falling to my death, except this time that there really was the possibility of it, I clung onto life. What an irony.

Though, I wondered, why did no one else notice the shaking and rumbling?

My arms and hands hurt. I couldn't hold onto this anymore. My muscles were growing weak. A particularly hard vibration caused me loosen my grip and I tumbled forwards and over the railing.

A harsh wind stroke my cheek as if greeting me for the last time. My stomach dropped. Why did no one even take notice of this whole rumbling as though an earthquake had struck Hogwarts? It was just so loud! The small spots became sharper. I could tell now that Harry was standing in front of Voldemort,

Lavender and Hermione were fighting Bellatrix and Malfoy went against someone else, I didn't know the name of. The ground became clearer. I could make out all of the different colors of grasses that grew here.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. At least it would be over now.

I hit something. It didn't feel like the ground though. More like a person. The force I hit this person with was strong and all of the air in my lungs was forced out. I struggled to breathe, my eyes were still closed. Everything hurt, I was unable to move. Something in my chest felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly. In the back of my mind I registered that I had moved to bring my knees to my chest. And that I was shaking and hyperventilating.

Did dying feel like this? There was no way I could have fallen off that tower and still be alive, right?

Something hot rolled down my cheek. Tears. I was crying.

Something cool touched my shoulders and turned me on my back. Hands. There was a bit of cussing involved. The voice was smooth and deep. Kind of like a song it took my mind off of my body, at least almost.

My mind felt clouded but it was probably due to the lack of oxygen in my blood since my lungs couldn't get enough air in them.

Said someone pressed down my knees so I was laying there straighter. I was shaking though. Every muscle in my body seemed to be twitching.

Just now I registered the fact, that the battle sounds had stopped.

Had they already won?

The voice above me muttered something. It sounded like a young man. Was it death? He sure had a beautiful voice. And he was ice cold. His touch left a burning sensation everywhere his fingers went.

He moved and cussed again. It sounded like a moan. Had I hurt death by falling face forward onto him? I chuckled inwardly. What an irony my whole life was. Had been.

Another sharp pain went through my whole body. I heard myself cry out.

Then finally the darkness came and engulfed me.

So this was the first chapter.
I hope you like it :)

Hazel