Dedicated to: Angel Arpal

Chapter 13: Wife

When I haven't met Seiji Matsumoto, I never dreamed of being pregnant. Me? Sidra Everleigh Rosilla, the beautiful, famous, and one of the top 100 sexiest women in the world will choose to ruin her figure just to have a baby?

I've been in love with my beautiful body, how people praised me and admired me with every detail I have. Ni minsan ay hindi ko rin naisip na magkaroon ng pamilya at lalong magbigay ng sampung anak sa isang lalaki.

I'm too independent and it never crossed my mind that my life would be extra happy and special because of a man. Akala ko dati'y magiging masaya na ako sa mayroon ako, but after I've met Seiji Matsumoto, everything that I planned, my goals, and even my dreams turned upside down.

Ganoon naman siguro talaga kapag nagmahal ka na, handa mong iwan ang lahat at talikuran ang bagay na alam mong makakapagpasaya sa 'yo.

I couldn't ask for more, but him.

I don't know if I'm still loving him in the right way, but I could say that I am happy loving him. But how about Seiji? Is he happy loving me?

Hindi niya ba naisip at napansin man lang na sa loob ng pagmamahalan namin dalawa ay ako na lang ang lubos na nagsasakripisyo?

I almost want to give him everything, I want to offer him all that I have, but here he was, always hesitant, always faltering and conflicted. Bakit parang habang tumatagal ay mas lalo akong natatakot sa mga itinatago niya sa akin?

"Would you like to try a pregnancy test?" tanong sa akin ni Tanya.

Kanina pang umalis si Akio, sinabi ko sa kanya na mas mabuting bigyan niya na lang ng pansin ang negosyo niya kaysa sa akin.

I've been his silly little cousin, simula bata pa lang ako ay inaalagaan na ako ni Akio at nagsisimula na akong mahiya sa kanya dahil kahit hanggang ngayong may asawa na ako ay siya pa rin ang naaabala ko.

I laughed at my thought. Am I slowly maturing?

Dati'y kaunting problema ko lamang ay gusto ko nang tawagan si Akio at bigyan ako ng kasagutan. But now I'm starting to feel ashamed not just to Akio but to myself.

I've been too dependent on him. And he's not even willing to stop me! Akio's my biggest spoiler.

Umiling ako sa tanong sa akin ni Tanya. Natatakot ako sa resulta, paano nga kung buntis nga ako? Would Seiji be happy? Ano ang magiging reaksyon niya kung ang usapang anak pa lang ay kinatatakutan niya?

I don't want to make our child sad with the fact that the father is not as happy as am I.

"How could he!" sigaw ko.

Kapwa na lang napabuntong hininga sina Tanya at August. Kailan ba ako nagpunta sa dalawang kaibigan ko na masaya ang gusto kong ikuwento tungkol kay Seiji? I am always here crying out loud all of my frustrations for Seiji.

"Ano ba ang problema ng hapon na iyon? Can't he see how understandable am I to him? Hindi niya ba alam na kahit punung-puno ako ng katanungang sa kanya ay pinili ko pa rin magpakasal sa kanya? Can't he understand the sanctity of marrigae? It's not just the love from the start but the full trust until the end."

Halos sabunutan ko na ang sarili ko.

Paano pa kami tatagal ni Seiji kung sa simula pa lang ay ganito na kami? Where's my softie bebe who's always willing to tell what I wanted to know?

"You know how I wanted to talk to him about everything, pero siya itong laging umiiwas at nangangako na bigyan ko siya ng tamanag oras. I just realized that I only knew Seiji on that island. Kilala ko lang ang Seiji na nasa isla at bebe na nakasama ko roon. I fell in love with him in that situation, but I never knew half of him. Ang dami niyang sekreto at natatakot ako."

Hindi makapagsalita ang mga kaibigan ko sa sinabi ko. Because I was right, masyado kong minadali ang lahat. I wasn't just in love with Seiji, but also with the idea about love. Sa kabila ng taong hindi kami nagkasama, I shouldn't have grabbed him like a hungry amazon and forced him into this marriage. Hindi ko man lang inisip ang mga taong nangyari nang hindi kami magkasama.

I should have realized that something did happen within those years. But should I blame myself for desperately pulling him into me? Seiji's the most genuine man who has ever shown me admiration. At sa taong hindi kami magkasama, sobra akong natakot na hindi na ako muling makahanap ng katulad niya.

A man that will never see me as a trophy.

"I will stay here. I will contact Seiji that I'll stay here," mahinang sabi ko. Kapwa tumango sina Tanya at August.

When I stayed inside Tanya's room, pinili ko na lamang tumahimik at tumulala sa may labas ng bintana. A very unusual way for me to express my emotion, kung sa ibang pagkakataon ay punung-puno na ng tissue sa sahig at ilang masasama nang salita ang lumalabas sa bibig ko para kay Seiji, pero ng mga oras na iyon, ramdam na ramdam ko na ang panghihina ko.

Tanya and August respected my decision. Hinayaan nila akong mag-isa at dinadalhan lang nila ko ng pagkain. When they tried to talk to me and I didn't respond, all they did was nod and close the door.

Ganoon lang sitwasyon ko hanggang sa pagdilim. I kept glancing at the table with the pregnancy test kit and outside the window. When I saw the familiar car of the unbothered Seiji Matsumoto, I immediately stood up, grabbed the pregnancy test kit, and went inside the washroom.

Nangangatal pa ang kamay ko habang tinatanggal iyon sa lagayan. As I proceeded with the instruction, I heard the commotion outside. Of course, my friends would not allow Seiji to go inside, lalo na't alam nilang siya ang dahilan kung bakit emosyunal ako, but my friends also knew me that Seiji's only the person who can make me feel better as well.

He's both my strength and weakness.

Nanatili akong nakaupo habang dinadala sa harapan ko ang pregnancy test, I bit my lower lip when I saw the result. I got up and quickly fixed myself. Itinapon ko na ang pregnancy kit sa basurahan bago ako humarap sa salamain.

I immediately collected myself with my head up high. I tied my hair into a bun, and showed my usual fierce look. Ilang taon na ako sa industriya ng showbiz at ilang beses kong sinabi sa sarili na magiging madali lang ito.

I am Sidra Everleigh Rosilla, I am the famous and talented actress before I fell in love with Seiji. Kung hindi pa rin siya handang sabihin sa akin ang lahat sa mga oras na ito, hindi niya na magugustuhan pa ang susunod kong sasabihin.

I opened the door and pressed the sweetest smile on my lips.

"Ibu. . ."

"Bebe!" I greeted him with my usual cheerful tone.

"We're very sorry, Eve—" I waved my hand in dismissal to stop Tanya.

"Can we have privacy?"

Sabay tumango sina Tanya at August sa sinabi ko.

"I am sorry, Ibu. Can we go home?"

Bago pa ako sumagot sa kanya, mabilis akong tumakbo at yumakap sa kanya. My arms looped around his nape, and I kissed him deeply that he couldn't breathe. Kapwa kami humihingal nang kumalas ako ng halik sa kanya.

At napahawak siya sa labi niya. His lips were bleeding. I bit him on purpose.

"Ibu. . ."

"Let's have a cool off, Seiji."

"Cool off?" ulit niya.

"Yes."

"But we're married. There's no—"

"Fine! Let's have an annulment. Ayoko na."

He blinked twice. He tried to come near me, but he stopped in midway. Nanatili lang siyang nakatitig sa akin.

"Why it's too easy for you to bring this up?"

I huffed. Gusto kong humawak ng kahit anong bagay na puwedeng ibato sa kanya. How dare him! How dare him! Sa tingin niya ba'y hindi iyon magmumula sa akin kung hindi na ako napuno sa kanya?

When I was alone in this room, I just realized that everything wasn't just Seiji's mistake. Kung tutuusin ay ako naman talaga ang nagsimula nang lahat. I should have moved on after those years, dapat ay hindi ko na siya hinabol. I shouldn't have made that damn book to get his fucking attention!

Nagtuluan na ang mga luha ko.

"Ayoko na, Seiji. . ." ilang beses akong umiling sa kanya.

"Ibu, I am only asking for time. I am doing this all for you."

"For me? Seiji, I want to know everything from you. Natatakot ako na paghihintay ko, huli na pala ang lahat. What's with this Kobayashi? With your family? And everything happened on the fucking cruise ship! You shouldn't have agreed to marry me if you're going to keep me in the dark. You're not treating me as your wife, Seiji. . ."

"Ibu. . ."

Nang sandaling muli siyang humakbang at may mga kamay na gusto kong abutin, ako naman ang humakbang paatras.

"Don't touch me."

"Ibu, please. . ."

Mabilis kong pinahid ang luha ko bago ko muling pinagkrus ang mga braso ko. Hindi lang mga mata ko ang nagsisimulang mag-init, maging ang lalamunan ko'y nagsisimula nang sumakit.

I've been crying in front of the camera in my whole life, I never tried suppressing my tears, and I never thought that I would do it, not for the sake of show but in front of my husband.

Nang sandaling makilala ko si Seiji, hindi man lang pumasok sa isip ko na darating ang araw na sobra akong masasaktan dahil sa kanya. For me, he was too good to be true. He's my innocent angel who brought white fluffy feathers around me. Everything around him means calmness and happiness, but happened now?

All I can see were darkness behind him.

At natatakot ako na iyong liwanag na una kong nakita sa paligid niya nang mga panahong halos mawalan na ako ng pag-asa'y unti-unting malusaw. That I was just fell in love with the illusion that happened inside that island. Na ang Seiji na minahal ko ay hanggang doon lang sa isla na iyon, that part of him that I'd never see again.

"I never planned to get married, Ibu. . . I want to live the rest of my life alone. But I forgot all of those when I met you on that island. You were not part of the plan, bebe. . ."

Mas lalo akong humagulhol sa sinabi niya. I knew it from the start. Ilang beses niya na akong pinagtabuyan noon pero ako ang nagpumilit na lumapit sa kanya. And now that's everything is getting more complicated, pareho na kaming nahihirapan.

I should have realized earlier that our life outside that island is very different. Hindi lang kami ang tao rito, napakarami niyang responsibilidad at sekreto na hindi niya kayang sabihin sa akin.

At alam kong nahihirapan siya sa mga responsibilidad niya dahil sa mga kagustuhan ko. Kyohei Matsumoto warned myself before, at ito ang nakuha ko sa pagpupumilit.

"Let's end this, Seiji. Tama na ang pagpapahirap natin sa isa't isa."

"Ibu. . ."

"I just realized that my career is more important. You know? I just received an international invitation! They wanted me to play a huge role in this series that will air worldwide. . ."

"Be-be. . ."

"Seiji. Let's end this. And there's not much difference, right? I may be famous, pero walang nakakaalam na naging Matsumoto pala ako. It's fine. Everything will be over. Pinapalaya na kita."

"Sidra."

Nagtungo na ako sa may pintuan at mas nilakihan ko ang pagkakabukas ng pintuan.

"I need to take a rest, Seiji. Maaga pa ako bukas."

Huminga nang malalim si Seiji at napatingala siya sa kisame nang ilang segundo. At nang sandaling muli niyang sinalubong ang mga mata ko, hindi ko na mabasa ang emosyon niya.

At walang salita niya akong iniwan sa loob ng kuwarto.

Napasalampak na lang ako sa sahig at napahagulhol sa ginawa ko.

***

I thought everything would end just like that, but early in the morning, Tanya and August woke me up, they quickly pulled me in front of the television.

"He announced it nationwide."

Seiji Matsumoto in his unusual business suit, perfectly combed hair, intimidating posture, and confident communication skills that made the host drool over him.

"Are you single, Mr. Matsumoto?"

He chuckled hiding his small beautiful eyes. At rinig ang tilian ng mga nanunuod ng live sa studio. I bit my lower lip.

Saan siya natuto ng ganyan?

"I have a bebe," he raised his right hand with our wedding ring.

Suminghap ang host sa ginawang iyon ni Seiji. He chuckled again.

"Oh, my gosh," sabay na usal nina Tanya at August.

"We're still in our honeymoon stage."

"Who is this lucky woman?"

And then, Seiji Matsumoto fixed his suit like it was usual for him to do that in front of an interview, his adam's apple moved a bit, and his eyes got smaller as if he was directly looking at me.

"Sidra."

"Y-you mean. . . the sexiest woman of showbiz?"

And then Seiji gave his first killer smile in front of the camera. "Sidra Everleigh Rosilla-Matsumoto. Who else?"