Having a routine makes life easier. Even if that routine includes things that hurt. Even if that routine includes Cas.

     October is coming to a close and I haven't told Cas why I had left, why I'd lied about leaving. About any of it. We hadn't revisited our past since I'd told him I'd visited once. We're still talking, but most of its about our lives now.

     Ashley presses the matter every week. I walk in and it's be the first question out of her. I feel good about where I am with Cas. I'm ready to break the spell just yet.

     Halloween falls on a Thursday this year. I've made a tradition of decorating Weston's, leaving bowls of candy out on the tables, and changing the icing on the cupcakes to green and orange. Tasha decides we're doing Marvel costumes this year in honor of the release of Avengers: Endgame. She dresses up as Black Widow and I choose Bucky, which is a nod and not a very safe one since Cas works the overnight today and I'm liable to run into him this afternoon.

     But he doesn't show up after all. I wait for him while I clean up for the night, even though I know he's working. That's a new thing. This feeling of constantly waiting for him.

     There aren't any trick or treaters out when I finally make it home and the bowl of candy I left on my stoop is empty. I change into sweats before walking the dogs. We take a long walk, to clear my mind and burn off some of their energy.

     I return to Cas, who's sitting on the front stairs waiting. Charlie and Delta nearly break their collars, and necks, running up to him. Charlie's in his face, licking him as Cas tries to hold him back. He's smiling now, like really smiling, as he laughs and tries to hug Delta and Charlie at the same time.

     "God, they're huge," he says as he gets up. "Huge."

     He follows me inside and is further hounded by them when I take them off the leash. I head into the kitchen and get myself a glass of water, knowing where this is going but also not entirely sure. He could be here to talk. Now would be an opportune time to bring up the rest of our history. Finish ripping off that bandaid. Ashley said choose somewhere neutral to have that conversation. My house does not feel neutral.

     "I thought you were working overnight," I say leaning against the island as I look at him, practically rolling on the floor with the dogs.

     He sits up on an elbow. "I switched with a coworker who wanted to do trick-or-treating with their kids."

     I nod. "Do you want something to drink?"

     "No, I'm okay."

     "Should we go upstairs?" I ask.

     "Please."

     I let Cas go upstairs first, setting the gate up at the bottom so the dogs don't follow us. When I get to the top, Cas is waiting. The rules have become muddled now. Sometimes kissing is okay. Tonight is one of those nights, apparently.

     He steps into my space, leans upwards slowly with parted lips so that he more like kisses into my mouth. I grasp the back of his neck, pulling him into me. He loses balance, careens into my chest that I nearly go down, too. We don't stop kissing through it, that's how I know its about to be good. By how quickly it turns to desperation.

     Cas's hands are under my shirt and he's playing with my nipple rings, sending sparks of pleasure up my chest. I reach between us for the hem of my shirt, pulling away long enough to yank it over my head. He dips his head, kissing down my chest, till he's flicking his tongue along the metal. I pull him back up to me, kissing him deeply, coaxing his tongue into my mouth so I can suck on it. Cas whimpers, guiding a hand between us, so he can tug on the waistband of my sweats.

     But I pull away first, holding him back as he tries to move. It's always fast with him. I slow it down, slide my hands along the hem of his sweatshirt. He must have went home after work and changed. I take the sweater off, yanking it over his head. There's a teeshirt underneath. I take that off, too. I sink to my knees as I move for Cas's trackies, pulling them down with me. He's not wearing underwear. These are the unexpected things he does now that hit me deep and low.

     I place my hand on the back of his thigh, holding him steady as I kiss from one hip to the other. The bones jut outwards, greeting my tongue. Cas is unsteady so I reach up, take his hand and place it on my shoulder. When I look up, his eyes are squeezed shut.

     "Look at me," I say before I sink the head of his cock into my mouth. He does, always so willing to take direction. He's gone stiff, knees locked, but he doesn't look away. Maintains eye contact while I take the full length of him into my mouth.

     His lips part as he makes these soft noises, little gaspy moans like I'm punching them out of him. I ease off of him slowly, tipping my head back a bit so when I go in again I can take him deeper, till I feel him in my throat. I tease him like this until he's a trembling mess, until his grip on my shoulder has his nails digging into my skin. Then I take his hand, move it to the back of my head, holding his hip with my other hand so I can start a steady pace, urging him to fuck into my mouth.

     "Fuck, Dres, fuck fuck fuck," he says and he's finally broken eye contact, his head falling backwards. His fingers weave through my hair, clenching at the root as he moves. I'm moaning around the length of him, the sound muffled and mixed with the wet heat of it. Cas starts to jerk my head back as he cums, but I reach around, gripping his ass and holding him to me so that he spills down my throat and I swallow every last drop of it.

     Cas is spent, leaning over so that most of his weight is pressing into my shoulders. "Fuck," he whispers, voice raspy.

     I want to leave it like that, with just the memory of me on his skin, but then he drops to his knees in front of me, noses at my jawline till he's kissing upwards into my mouth, reaching for my face so he can hold me there.

     "Oh," he says pulling away as he falls back onto his ass. "The floor is not comfortable. How are your knees not destroyed right now." I stopped being able to feel my knees what feels like hours ago now. They may not even still be attached to my body anymore.

     He inches backwards till he hits the end of the bed and then pulls himself up onto it. He's flushed all down his chest, looks like a vision as he sprawls out against the bed. He's a masterpiece. I stay where I am, unable to look away.

     He turns over, suddenly, as he says, "I left the prepwork for you."

      I stifle a laugh as I get up, my knees cracking as I do. I walk over to the nightstand, getting the lube and a condom. I climb into bed, straddling Cas's thighs as I dispense the liquid onto my a few fingers. I drag my hand down his ass slowly and he presses back into my palm. I drag this part out, too, wanting it to last. Enjoying the way Cas begs for me as he clutches a pillow into his face, how he takes my fingers with ease, opens up to me like no time has passed at all.

     I crawl up his body, kissing the dimples above his ass first, then the small of his back, kissing along his spine, and up it, till I'm at the back of his neck. I push his hair away as I suck at the soft spot under his earlobe. He whimpers, tipping his head, baring his neck to me. I keep sucking till the skin is cherried and Cas is pressing back into the circle of my arms, his body hot and humming. He turns over, his shoulder coming up into my chest so he's on his side, tilting upwards so he can catch my mouth. I press a hand to his cheek, smoothing my thumb over his jaw and the light facial hair that's grown in.

     He shifts, shoving backwards while he presses me against the bed, moving us till he's able to climb into my lap. I look up at him, at the biting figure of him, awe-struck by how he's glowing, how good he looks destroyed. I'm wrought with how much I'm feeling.

     Cas reaches over and grabs the condom sitting on the edge of the bed. We haven't fucked like this, with him facing me, with eye contact and foreplay that has set every nerve in my body on fire. I'm aching with need. I have to close my eyes against it.

     With my eyes shut, I'm more in tune with my body. I'm aware of Cas's legs on the outside of mine and the strength in his thighs as he presses against me for leverage. I can feel him sitting up, rolling the condom on. Am aware of how his fingers linger on my skin before they move up my chest. His palms sink into my pecs. I'm holding very still, waiting for him, and when he doesn't move, I open my eyes to his.

     He's waiting for this, gaze peering down at me. His shoulders are hunched forward, delicate muscles pressing through the skin. He sinks down slowly so that it burns. I'm feeling my way up and into Cas. His mouth parts with no sound and he picks up his rhythm. I move my hands to tops of his thighs, soothing over the skin but otherwise not moving, letting Cas ride it out.

     He comes down unexpectedly, sprawling his body across my chest so that all he can do is rock slowly as he kisses me. We come together like this, passing sound between our mouths. Sex isn't intimacy. Sex is just sex. This, here, though, is intimacy.