I'm sick.

     That has to be explanation for everything. I'm depraved, really.

     After the night's events, I can't imagine showing up to my gym or facing Jack. Jack was right. When Cas and I had dated, the sex was new but even more new for Cas and so we did it everywhere and all the time. But never that public. Never that debauched.

     I suppose I should't be all that surprised when Jack shows up at my door after I cancel on him. He holds up a brown bag. "I come bearing breakfast," he says so I have to let him in.

     Jack is dressed like a weekend dad. He's made it a thing. Like dad off-duty style. Dark jeans cuffed at his ankles, a flannel over a beige crew neck, and boots, which I point to so he begrudgingly slips out of them. Old Jack would've shown up to my place at this hour, sunglasses on to shield his hangover, in as much leather as he could possibly wear.

     He comes into the kitchen once he's parted ways with his boots and sets the bag on the bar, hopping up on a stool. "D'you want coffee or juice?" I ask as I open the fridge and pull out the bottle of grapefruit juice I'd picked up. There's a farmer's market just a few blocks down from here that I frequent. Ms. Vivvie, as she likes to be called, makes a variety of squeezed and pressed juices. She insisted I have the grapefruit, saying it would ward off bad news.

     "Coffee, yes, please," Jack says with a nod. I set the juice down before turning to fill the French press. "So what's up?" he asks as I grab a mug. "Also, here's your bland ass breakfast."

     "It's not bland," I gripe as I wait for the electric kettle to boil.

     "It's blasphemy is what it is," Jack responds. "Bagels are supposed to have the greasiest meat, cheesiest cheese, heartiest egg patty on it and you've got some weird egg white, spinach, turkey combo."

     "I sincerely hope Jasmine decides what the kids eat," I respond lightly.

     "Atlas is barely on solids, actually, but she loves a cheese doodle. Glad to know some things do prevail in the gene pool."

    I walk around the bar taking a seat as I pass Jack his coffee. For all his crap diet, he does take his coffee the way he should — black. "Alright but really, pulled a muscle? What kind of BS is that?"

     I grimace like the reminder has triggered some pain. "I did pull something."

     Jack rolls his eyes. "So what? The kid show up here last night or something?"

      I busy myself with the bagel, taking an over-exaggerated bite.

     "I'm just gonna keep guessing," he says with a shrug. "You guys fucked. You told him you love him. You proposed. He proposed. You're adopting a child."

     Sighing, I tell him, "We hooked up in the sauna at the gym."

      "No!" Jack grunts. "Thats our sauna. Come on, man. I nap in there."

     "I didn't even — why is he even a member there? You know, that was my place. Like he's everywhere but the gym was my place where I could go to get him out of my head."

     Jack nods and then shrugs his shoulders. "Okay, so we'll switch gyms?"

     "I don't want to switch gyms."

     "This is a very simple, easy solution to your problem."

     "It's my gym. I was there first. He should have to switch gyms."

     "Well he's clearly not going to do that when his whole vendetta is getting under your skin."

     I stop eating to glare at Jack. "Cas doesn't have a vendetta."

     "Uh, he really does, and it's clearly working. Are you even going to be ready for your opening night?"

     My expression tightens. "Yes. He's not getting in the way of that. He's not even going to be there."

     "What did Ashley say?"

     "I'm not telling you what Ashley said. That's between Ashley and I."

     "She's not happy, is she?"

     I balk. "She's not my wife, she's my therapist, so she doesn't have to be happy." I sigh, scrubbing my face. "Why is everyone so against Cas?"

     Jack takes a moment before he says, "It's not that we're against Cas. We're just rooting for Dres."

     "So then wouldn't you be rooting for him, too?"

     "I don't know. You tell me?"

     I make a face like it's unclear what Jack means, even though I have an idea.

     Jack looks at me seriously. "What's the goal? What's the end game here?"

     "I don't know. I have no idea."

     "Well, maybe you should get some idea before you guys continue desecrating this whole damn town. I mean, our sauna! That is our sauna, Dres. I'm actually really offended. But also kinda jealous. All I have is married people sex now."

     "And what's that? Covers on, lights off?"

     Jack makes a face. "That's how I've always done it."

     As a thank you for the breakfast and vent session, I offer to watch the kids for the evening so Jack can go do something with Jasmine. My exact words are, "Go take your girl to the sauna." But I'm pretty sure they're settling for dinner and a movie.

     By six thirty Atlas and Theodore are asleep. And sometime after that I'm nearly asleep myself, dozing on the couch, when there's a notification on my phone that the Ring's picked up movement outside my door. Groggily, I reach over and check the camera on the app.

     Cas is at my door.

     It looks like he hasn't decided if he's meant to be there or not, shifting anxiously and looking around. I hesitate for a moment, glancing over at the portable crib where Atlas is soundly asleep. Theo's upstairs in my bed so he likely won't hear the doorbell but the sound will definitely wake her. I hop up quickly, rushing for the door. I open it partially, just enough to be mostly visible, like the wood will block any sound.

     Cas jumps, surprised that I beat him to the door. "Hey," I say quickly. "What are you doing here?" I glance back over my shoulder, wondering if I'm talking too loudly. Atlas has been fussy all day. Her being asleep is a reprieve I'm unwilling to ruin.

     Cas's eyebrows are furrowed. I make a face, trying to reiterate my question. "Oh," Cas says softly. "Oh wow. You totally have someone here right now. I shouldn't have — wow, okay, uhm. I'm just gonna."

     My eyebrows shoot up on my face. "Wait, no Cas," I whisper back sharply.

     Cas throws up his hands. "It's totally fine. Don't even worry about it. I shouldn't have just shown up. That was super presumptuous and I will not make that mistake—."

     I glance back over my shoulder one last time before I step outside, shutting the door behind me. "There's a baby inside," I say.

     "What?"

     "A baby."

     "You have a kid?"

     "What? No. Please think about what you just said."

     Cas shrugs. "Crazier things have happened."

     "It's Jacks."

     For the briefest moment, Cas's expression opens. He's no longer the angry, bitter boy he's been hosting for the last few weeks. He pulls it together, quickly, though, returns to a very stoic expression as he asks, "Can I meet him?"

     "Them," I correct.

      "Them?"

     I nod my head. "Atlas and Theo. They're sleeping, but you can come in."

      I don't wait to see if he will, opening the door and stepping back inside. He follows me into the living room and then breaks off to walk up to the crib and peer inside. "Oh, aww," he whispers and he's smiling at Atlas. "How old is she?" He looks up at me.

     "Two," I say. "Theo's upstairs. He's four."

     Cas chuckles lowly. "Jack. A dad. Good for him."

     I start to say to Cas "Remember when" but then I remember that's not what we're doing. I don't get to reminisce with him. I don't get to yearn for a past I destroyed. Still, my brain is stuck there, on a six flags trip with Jack and him that led to Jack having to buy some kid ice cream and a litany of other treats to get him to stop crying after he flipped his tube in the lazy river.

     Cas looks over at me, meeting my gaze like he's thinking about that day, too.

     His expression changes suddenly and he looks around, sort of frantic. His eyebrows are pinched. "Where are Delta and Charlie?" His voice is louder, but not at risk to wake Atlas.

     "They're outside," I answer just as quickly. "They're fine. You can go see them...if you want."

     Cas shakes his head, moving away from the crib. "I should go, actually."

     I lead Cas to the door. He steps outside but then turns to me unexpectedly. He's frowning, avoiding my gaze when he asks, "When did you know that you were going to"—he hesitates—"fake enlist, I guess, or whatever you want to call it? And don't lie. I'll know and honestly, I think we're beyond that now."

     "Sometime in June," I tell him. "But I knew that I was going to do something even before your graduation. Maybe late April."

     Cas's eyebrows spread the plane of his forehead. "So that whole summer was basically a lie."

     I shake my head. "None of it was a lie."

     "All of it was a lie," Cas responds, seething.

     I glance back at Atlas. Still asleep. "We can't have this conversation right now," I say lowering my voice.

     "It's fine. I got the answer I needed."

     He's already down the stairs as I step outside, closing the door behind me. "Cas, I didn't do it to hurt you. I had — I had reasons. Okay, and I'm sorry—."

     "No," Cas screeches. "No, don't. There is nothing you can say that will change what you did and I don't want your explanations or your apologies. I mean it. I won't come around if that's the shit you're going to pull."

     "Okay," I say because what else can I say.