A sort of disclaimer for intolerant and butt hurt lads.

I recognize the time and effort of the writer and their dedication towards their work. I don't intend to insult or mock their work in any way. I just intend to give an honest review of how I feel and see the book. My review wouldn't be applicable after they've edited their book, so don't be the dumbass that wages a war about my review being stupid. Definitely contains spoilers.

TITLE: Desires for Blood

Author: @_mochashay_

Title and Cover – {4/10}

The title isn't exactly what it should be. It doesn't catch my interest or demand my attention. It is not completely ridiculous but it isn't perfect for the book. I still feel there is a better title for the book somewhere. It can be improved upon.The title can still pass as it seems to have some relevance with the plot, but the cover is at best, shabby.  The cover adds nothing to the story or the reader's experience because there isn't really any creativity involved. It is just a random photo with the title slapped on it. It requires work. I'd suggest being more creative with the title and cover as it does play an integral part in attracting a reader. The book is judged by the cover more often than not.

Blurb/Summary – {1/10}

The blurb presented is inadequate in every aspect and doesn't even fit into any traditional or good format of blurbs.
The summary just consists of a basic one-liner about the idea of the plot and the description of the physical features of the main character, written in the blandest manner. It is not at all written to attract readers and it seems as if no effort was made to write the blurb. The first three lines are warnings which should probably be written at the end of the blurb as they aren't the most inviting for the readers and also because the blurb doesn't talk about anything gruesome, I think they should have been at the end of the blurb.

The next three lines involve the description which are ridden non-existing abbreviations. The writer hasn't even written the full word 'description'. The description doesn't lead to curiosity or intrigue because it hasn't been worked upon properly.

I saw 'new school' written there and it already seemed a bit typical to me. Then, I want to point out, it isn't 'side of view', it is 'point of view'. The fact that the weight and colour of hair were mentioned is astounding.  I feel this is not even eligible to be called a rough draft of the blurb. I request the author to read blurbs and then, make an attempt to provide one. It is an integral part of a book.

Grammar and Vocabulary – {1.5/10}

The story is ridden with grammatical errors from the very first line. The vocabulary used is very basic and both require a lot of work.

Flow and Pace of the Story – {3/10}

Due to the bad grammar, the flow of the story is interrupted a lot. Dialogues are rarely used. it seems the writer doesn't understand the writing style she is writing in most of the times. Since the writing style consists of phrases instead of sentences; the story doesn't have a smooth flow mostly. The pacing is slow in the first chapter and adequate in the second.

Detail/Description – {1/10}

First P.O.V narration wasn't used in the right manner. The description was quite vague or inadequately described. There wasn't any proper description of the features of the characters murdered or the murderer. The emotions hadn't been described in a mature way. The scene lacked description and was mostly consisting of dramatic reasons behind murdering a friend or a lover. The bad grammar made any description present worse. Even, if a feature was described, there was no attempt of making it interesting for the readers.

Overall Story – {3/10}

The story lacks in the plot because it is to be based on childish reasons. It seems like it lacks clarity and is way too dramatic. In addition to that, the grammar and vocabulary are inadequate and there is a lot of room for improvement in character development and cliffhangers. I think the writer needs to focus on making the story more comprehensible by working on characters, maturity and grammar. I also feel the writer needs to read books in the genre of horror or thriller as this book pertains to neither. The writer needs to learn more about writing in first person and needs to work on the cover and title. Mostly, all sectors require work. So, the story is undercooked is one way to describe it.

Cliffhangers – {5/10}

I think the only cliffhanger is the identity of the girl and that acts as a major plot point. There is foreshadowing regarding her identity in a manner. Then, the entire setup is another cliffhanger. However, it hasn't been executed properly.

Originality – {7/10}

The idea is fairly original. It is inspired by certain biblical ideas. I think the book is original mostly and that is one advantage to it. However, the reasons behind a murder are quite clichéd. They are a bit forced as well.

Character Development – {3/10}

The main character has a bizarre mindset and is frankly, quite whiny. I think this is one of the main reasons the book doesn't come across as what it aims to be. Even the victims are caricatures of a false friend and an unfit lover and it seems that the writer was aiming for reliability as they seem to have all the flaws.

Overall Score: 28.5/90

SPECIFIC THINGS

Victim 1: The Junior Friend

 The first sentence of the story is written in broken grammar which is disappointing to see as a reader. It just tells that story hasn't been proofread properly. The very first sentence itself doesn't seem to make any sense. It is horrible grammar with either wrong punctuation or wrong tenses. It could even be considered an incomplete sentence.

The second sentence has an improper structure and has grammatical errors. The story is written in the first P.O.V and hence, doesn't require the 'I asked myself?', because the first P.O.V
represents the thoughts of a person. So, frankly, I don't know what you proofread.

The grammar is utterly nuisance-cal in this novel. That is not an actual word, but, it is apt to describe what I am reading. There is nothing that really adheres to grammar rules in the first five lines. I am sorry but you need to hire an editor for your work or go to workshops or some English grammar classes.

The 'I thought to myself' is so pointless and doesn't belong there. I think you need to learn more about the writing style, before starting to write in it or at the very least read actual books of the genre. I think the grammar has had its own funeral, by this point.
The lines need to be broken down into shorter paragraphs.

Also, are you writing in past or the present, I 'could' or I 'can', you should probably check on that. Shifting tenses in the middle of the story, apart from being grammatically wrong, doesn't make sense and only leads to confusion.

So, I have come to a conclusion, I will not comment on the grammar, sentence structure and vocabulary in the rest of the review.

So, the chapter is about the girl killing another girl who betrayed her time and again. If I am honest, the chapter seemed nothing but a child whining. I don't want to be cruel, but, I felt no maturity in the character's emotions whatsoever. The reasons were childish. But, the chapter wanted me to take her motive seriously and root for her or at least not find it humourous and childish. The chapter wasn't executed in a way that might make it seem even a bit nice. It wasn't a dark plot; it was just a teenager wanting to kill her friend for stupid superficial childish fights.

It could have been explained and described nicely. It could have had some actual meaning to it or be of actual relevance. It could have chosen the theme of a kid with too much power. But, all it actually seemed like was a child murdering another child for 'betrayal' which actually was a stupid teenage rivalry. The book also expects me to feel emotion for this child's whining and take it seriously. So, I am sorry to say that this was neither a dark humoured plot nor anything that made it a good thriller.

It seemed like a kid got bullied and killed a kid and I use the term 'bullying' very loosely here because it seems like the protagonist is a bit delusional and too in her head. I felt the plot was weak and I can't be more honest than that. It honestly just feels too dramatic, and as a result hilarious. But, the book attempts to actually move the reader through this plot, but the book comes off as ridiculous and funny.

Victim 2: My Second Lover

The second chapter is a little less childish and is a little bit more in the direction of a psychopathic 'young girl' murdering people. But, I still feel the characters need to be a bit more mature or the theme has to be more mature. You have to have one of those for it to actually feel thrilling. The story isn't really of the 'horror' or 'thriller' genre. In fact, it has the potential to be of a psychopath murdering people/humour genre.