Song: Mess Is Mine by Vance Joy

Description: In which Barry has a more emotional reaction to living with Speed Force Nora. AU set between 7x06 and 7x07.

Sooo,  l am almost done with Hiraeth but inspiration jumped me, put a bag over my head, and threw me in the trunk. And I'm well aware I sound like a broken record, but it's coming. Sooner or later. It's coming. There's nothing you can do to stop it! Ha! But yeah, anyway. This was inspired by a post from Twilightsinfern. You'd think I'd get tired of writing cuddles by now but here we are.

...

The room was quiet. So very quiet.

It was consuming. The kind of quiet where you can hear the creak of a floorboard or the low rumble of footsteps from two rooms away. The kind that only comes in the dead of night when the sky is asleep but your thoughts are wide awake, loud and inescapable.

Caitlin sighed sharply from where she sat on her couch, tossing her tablet to the side and rubbing her eyes. It was pointless worrying about it all tonight. There was nothing she could do, no one she could call that would still be awake at the tender hour of—her tired eyes flickered to the clock on the wall—1:30 am.

With the gnawing feeling of balled-up tension still buzzing beneath her skin, Caitlin pulled her legs underneath her and allowed her head to fall back against the couch. She stared up at the ceiling, the quiet chatter of the television drifting in the background as it cast its pale shadows across the white paint above. She had hoped having it on would help, would ease the encompassing silence that seemed to amplify her raging thoughts. It hadn't.

Caitlin drew in another breath and closed her eyes, trying to will the tension from her shoulders. She inhaled slowly, deliberately, making an attempt to quiet her mind enough to allow sleep to creep its way in.

A low knock echoed through the room and Caitlin jolted upright. Her tired thoughts immediately went to the worst of places and she practically leapt to her feet, heart pounding.

It was them.

They had come for her.

Who else would be at her door at this hour?

She looked at the door and then at the hall, wondering if she should wake Frost and tell her to run for it before it was too late. Her thoughts quickly began to spiral, scene after scene playing through her mind in an instant. Just as they seemed they would completely consume her, Caitlin yanked them back from the edge, forcing them down and willing herself into a calm, functional state.

She needed to be rational about this. It could be anybody. It might not even be them. And even if it was, panicking wouldn't do either of them any good. The knock echoed again, somehow fainter this time. Caitlin felt a chill wash over her as her bare feet seemed to involuntarily move closer to the door. With her hands shaking from adrenaline, she reached for the knob and turned, the hinges swinging open with a foreboding finality.

What Caitlin found on the other side was not the police, or a task force, or any phantom there to haunt her waking hours. It wasn't any of those things, it was...Barry.

Caitlin nearly let out an audible sigh of relief, her shoulders relaxing as the tension eased up a bit. However, her eyes took the speedster in and the gears in her head began ticking once more.

His pajama clad form stood shifting in her doorway, looking like he was ready to bolt at any moment. His hair was messy in a way that made her want to fix it and his eyes tired and perhaps a little red-rimmed. Something in her softened, the built up energy in her veins launching her into an all too familiar mindset.

"Barry," she spoke, her voice a gentle cadence, "are you—is everything okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course," he suddenly seemed to scramble for an answer, fingers coming up to scratch the back of his head as his other hand fidgeted at his side. He shrugged in a way that was meant to be casual but only came off as nervous. "You know me, I was just going for a walk, passing through the neighborhood. I thought I'd stop by and make sure you guys were okay. Can't be too careful with all these Forces on the loose."

Caitlin's eyes flickered over him once more, coming to a stop at his feet. "In your slippers?" She inquired, quirking a skeptical eyebrow.

A heavy breathy sigh escaped Barry, and if it hadn't been for the hollow look in his eyes, she might have mistaken it for a laugh.

"Um...okay. The truth is—" he began, but something in him seemed to break. "I'm sorry, I...I—I didn't want to bother Cisco now that he and Kamilla moved in together." Barry finally admitted, a torn expression on his face. "I didn't know who else—where else, to go."

It suddenly hit Caitlin what he was getting at, why he was there in the middle of the night. It wasn't the first time this had happened. She found the words flying past her lips before she could quite think them through, swinging the door open wide. "It's okay. Come on in, I've got pillows and blankets to spare."

Barry opened his mouth like he was going to say something but then closed it, nodding wordlessly and shuffling through the doorway. She locked the door back behind him as he moved inside.

Though an air of heaviness and unease still draped itself over him like a blanket, there was a comfortable familiarity as he moved through her apartment. An ease that had come with the months he had spent helping Cisco take care of the place and water her plants while she was away.

He came to a stop in front of her new painting, glancing between her and the glove that had been ceremoniously taped to it. He wore a confused sort of curiosity.

"Oh, uh, that was Frost. Let's just say she and I are still figuring out how to mesh our different...styles," Caitlin explained with a slight grimace.

Barry cracked a smile at that, and Caitlin suddenly realized how gaunt and exhausted he looked in the low light.

When was the last time he slept?

"We're still adjusting," Caitlin added, moving around to take a seat on the couch in hopes that it would compel him to do the same. It did.

"Trust me, I know what you mean," he spoke so quietly she almost missed it, his shoulder bumping against hers as he sunk down heavily into the cushions.

A silence settled over them, some nonsensical program still buzzing along absently on the TV. Barry didn't speak, he only pressed his lips together in a thin line, a faraway look in his eyes.

"Barry," Caitlin began tentatively, turning slightly towards him, "I know it's probably none of my business—"

"We had a fight." 

He offered up his answer freely to her, the words spilling over in a desperate kind of way. Afterward, he let out a deep and sharp sigh, scrubbing a hand over his pale face.

"Iris and I, we had a fight," he repeated in an almost whisper, sounding unimaginably tired. "Again."

Caitlin nodded, slow and quiet, her demeanor carrying no judgment. It hadn't been the first time and was unlikely to be the last.

There were a lot of things she could have said in that moment, reassurances she had spoken in the past that she could echo now in the present. Yet somehow, she found none of them quite carried the same weight or meaning they had the first time around. In the end, she didn't say anything. She didn't want to push, and yet, somehow she hoped her silence would also give him the space to continue, if he wanted.

He shook his head at himself, a tempest raging within. "I don't know," he said after a moment, heavy gaze fixed on some imaginary spot in the distance. "Maybe...maybe Iris is right. Maybe I should be grateful. For her—the Speed Force, for seeing my mom's face again. For being able to have breakfast with her, to see her sit in the living room and watch TV like it's just a normal Saturday. But I—" he broke off, his words thick and watery.

"I just, I can't—" he tried to let his hands do the speaking for him.

He finally turned to her, tears shining in his eyes as he wore an expression so lost and broken that it seemed as though it was carved upon his very being. "Cait, I can't even look at her without seeing my mom when she—without having that night play through my head."

"I can't do it, I can't. I tried and I don't know what to do anymore, it won't go away and now I'm dreaming about it again," he buried his head in his hands, words coming out fast and jumbled. "Cait, I can't even sleep anymore!"

His composure completely broke after that, voice morphing into sharp, hyperventilating sobs.

Instinctively, Caitlin reached for him. He all but fell onto her shoulder, his chest heaving as he tried to suck in breaths through the barrage of sobs. She pulled her arms around him tightly and held him close, tears of her own clouding her vision as tremors racked his body. He wrapped around her like a mold, fingers clutching the back of her shirt as his larger frame squished her beneath his grip. She didn't mind it in that moment.

"Hey hey, just breathe," she tried to soothe, her hand rubbing his back. "Take a deep breath. In and out." She demonstrated by drawing in a steady inhale of her own. Barry tried to follow along, despite the way his lungs and throat betrayed him.

This lasted for several minutes, his breaths slowly becoming more steady as the emotions and frustrations poured out of him. All the while, his forehead lay pressed against her shoulder, teardrops soaking into the soft fabric of her nightshirt.

"I'm sorry, Barry," Caitlin whispered once the sobs began to calm, tucking her chin over his shoulder. "I—I remember how hard it was even seeing my dad as Icicle, I couldn't even imagine. I'm so sorry," was all the comfort she could offer.

A few moments more and Barry sniffled, leaning back into the couch and slowly pulling away.

"I'm a mess," he mumbled stuffily, trying to wipe the tears away from his puffy and irritated eyes.

"Anybody would be," Caitlin replied, leaning across the couch and retrieving the box of Kleenexes for him.

"Still, I showed up in the middle of the night just to hog your couch and cry all over your shoulder," he took the tissues gratefully, his voice raw and hoarse. "I'm sorry," he apologized, words so thick and heavy that it made Caitlin's chest hurt just a bit.

She shook her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Barry," she squeezed his arm for emphasis. "Our lives, especially now, are messy and complicated and painful. I get it. Believe me, I do. And I want you to know my couch is always open, any time, day or night, for as long as you need it."

A small spectrum of emotions played out across his features, shifting from sad to grateful to something unnameable. Something warm and melancholic all at once. "Thank you, Caitlin," he answered sincerely.

She only shrugged. "It's what friends are for."

She offered him a gentle smile, unable to quite make it reach her eyes. Because, yes, it was what friends were for, but it shouldn't have had to have been.

"Besides," she soon continued, bumping her shoulder lightly into his, "I'd rather you cry here than just anywhere in the neighborhood," there was an almost light and playful inflection behind her words, her impulses briefly getting the better of her as she reached up to smooth over his messy hair. "It's late, you could get robbed you know."

A low huff that was meant to be a laugh escaped him. "I really don't think anyone is gonna wanna rob a sniffling guy in his pajamas with no wallet or phone, Cait."

"You never know, they might want your slippers," she inclined her head towards the blue fluffy masses that were his feet, tiny bunny ears splayed gently over the top.

He smiled at that and shook his head. Really smiled. Caitlin suddenly felt accomplished, like she had achieved something precious and worthwhile.

How often did he really smile these days?

Not enough, as far as she was concerned. She would have to make an effort to change that.

"I'm still sorry I woke you up," Barry added, leaning back a bit into the couch. "It's been a long couple of weeks and you need rest."

Caitlin let out a low sigh, allowing herself to sink in as well. "I appreciate your concern. But it's fine. Really. I wasn't exactly on track for a peaceful night's sleep anyway," she admitted.

Barry's brow furrowed at that and he pivoted his head against the back of the couch to look down at her, his nose still red and irritated from crying.

He looked as though he was about to ask why but Caitlin was already a step ahead, a selfish part of her eager to relieve some of the built-up anxiety within her. She would have to tell him in the morning anyway, she reminded herself. Ten or so hours wasn't going to make much of a difference.

"It's Kramer," she spoke preemptively, pressing her lips together. "She wants to bring Frost in. That's why she came here."

Barry pushed off the back of the couch and leaned forward again, a look of shock washing over him. She watched his expression slowly harden, surprise replaced by determination. He shifted to face her, his leg partially coming up to rest on the cushion.

"Caitlin, I promise you, I won't let that happen," there was an intensity to his words, a will she hadn't truly seen since the days when her powers were just beginning to surface. When she had lost control and he had been willing to barter away his job, all to protect her. "Whatever we have to do—"

"Hey, it'll be okay," she somehow found herself being the one to comfort him, the fear that had previously occupied her veins suddenly turning to steel. Or maybe it was ice. She reached out, her hand resting on his leg, grounding and firm. "I know it looks bad right now. With Frost, the Speed Force, everything that's happened to this city, the other Forces. It's...a lot to take in."

Barry gave a nod at that, letting out a barely audible huff of agreement.

"But we can get through it," she reminded him, tilting her head a bit to catch his gaze. "I know we can. We've gotten through everything else so far, haven't we?"

Barry nodded again, slower this time, letting her words truly seep in.

"Together," he held his hand out in between them. It was both a question and an answer. A promise and a solution.

She smiled gently, and this time it did meet her eyes.

"Together," she vowed, placing her hand in his and squeezing.

They shared a brief moment of silence after that, the weight of their burdens seeming to ease when they bore them together. Barry let their intertwined hands fall between them and they once again canted back, the lack of sleep beginning to catch up with them both.

Barry's gaze drifted to the TV screen for a few moments before naturally falling back to Caitlin.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" He suggested, a faint part of his mind noticing the way the pale light danced across her skin.

She perked up at that.

"Well," she drawled out. "I do have that new series saved to my DVR. What was it, Scarlet Vision? I was supposed to wait and watch it with Cisco but..." she paused, an almost devious smirk finding its way to her lips. "I won't tell if you don't."

A grin broke out across Barry's face and he all but sprang to his feet, a current of tired excitement flowing through him.

"I'll get the popcorn if you get the blankets?"

Caitlin nodded vigorously and pushed off her seat, finding his newfound mood was infectious.

They met back at the living room in under five minutes, Barry surprising her with a twin set of hot cocoa. Together, they settled onto the couch with their warm mugs, nestled comfortably beneath an impressive mound of blankets. The first episode began to play and Caitlin scooted closer, tucking herself into his side as his arm naturally came around to hold her. Barry's embrace was warm and soft, his mere presence seeming to chase away the last bit of tension she still held in her shoulders.

She smiled to herself, realizing that for the first time all day, her thoughts were quiet.

By the time the first episode came to a close, Caitlin realized she could hear soft snoring. She glanced up at Barry, his eyes closed and his face looking truly peaceful for the first time all day.

She looked back at the TV, watching as the couple on-screen sat on their couch together, admiring their wedding rings. She mentally shook her head at herself, gently shooing away the silly thoughts her tired mind had conjured up.

Caitlin laid her head back against Barry's chest, allowing the steady rise and fall to be her lullaby. She closed her eyes, the waves of sleep peacefully carrying her away.

Together.

The word echoed in her mind. She didn't quite understand what that meant for them, not yet, not exactly. But it was a promise, a promise she knew they would both keep, in whatever way they needed to.