You may be the
 most cowardly person
 in the world
 until you
 experienced love
 and have something
 to protect more
than yourself.
 That is real
 courage. 

/18/ Love & Courage

[LOUELLA]

I did my best to talk to Lysander last night but to no avail. He's not answering his phone, he's not even responding to my messages. I don't want to upset him more kaya hindi ko muna kaagad sinabi sa kanya 'yung tungkol sa nalaman ko.

That Raven . . . Raven's probably . . .

Kahapon, nakatanggap din ako kaagad ng instruction mula kay Professor Silang na maghanda kaagad sa livestream kinabukasan. Yes, they want to do it immediately. Siguro dahil papalapit na ang pagpasok ng bagong sem, they want to sensationalize the event habang maraming oras ang mga millennials at generation z na paniguradong mangunguna sa pambabatikos.

So, I prepared half-heartedly. I wrote the script and flow of the interview, na noong una'y hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan. Sobrang nahirapan ako magsulat dahil pakiramdam ko'y ako mismo ang magiging sanhi ng gagawin ni Lysander—well, sa totoo lang ako naman talaga ang pinagmulan nito.

I drank too much coffee to stay awake. Nasobrahan nga dahil magdamag akong gising at nag-ooverthink sa napakaraming bagay.

Hindi matanggal-tanggal sa isip ko 'yung larawang nakita ko sa profile ni Arianne. Paulit-ulit ko ring inalala 'yung mga sandaling kasama namin si Raven sa Mt. Itum. She did the ritual of courage successfully, she even received a miracle—it means, she was truthful. Pero marami pa pala akong hindi alam sa kanya kung tutuusin.

I also remembered the time when we reconciled. The memory's still vivid in my mind, and I believe it was genuine. That's why I couldn't accept the possibility that she might be . . .

If Raven's involved in the insurgent organization, then . . . She's also partially responsible for Ellon's death.

And then a painful realization struck me.

Did Raven betray us?

Thank goodness, it's a miracle that I managed to finish the script. There are barely words in it, at least nakalagay na 'yung flow at 'yung question prompts.

At dahil hindi na ako makatulog ay nilabas ko na rin 'yung mga equipment at saka nag-ayos para sa magiging setup namin sa interview.

I arranged my living room into a tiny studio. Tinabi ko muna 'yung malaking sofa at pinagtabi 'yung dalawang solo sofa. May nabili akong backdrop na plain white na nilagay ko sa likuran ng mga sofa, inayos ko rin 'yung mga ilaw, camera, laptop, at setting for the live stream.

It's a simple and small setup but I think it looked professional. I kinda overdid it. Binunton ko lahat sa pag-aayos para hindi ako malunod ng mga iniisip ko.

Halos five AM na ako natapos. Saka lang din ako nakatulog at nagising ng alas dyis ng umaga. Nakalagay sa instruction sa email na one PM kami nakatakdang mag-live.

I immediately checked my phone to see kung nagreply na ba si Lysander pero nadismaya lang ako. Hindi ko pa rin napigilang magmessage ulit sa kanya. Good morning! What time ka punta?

My heart thumped when he quickly replied: I'll be there in eleven.

Dali-dali akong bumangon para mag-ayos. I quickly showered and chose a white blouse and black pants to wear. I also applied light makeup after.

Gusto ko sanang magluto para sa lunch namin but I scrapped the idea when I realized I wanted to impress Lysander. Get your shit together, Louella. Sa huli'y nagpadeliver na lang ako ng pagkain.

Saktong eleven nang tumunog 'yung doorbell. Biglang kumabog 'yung dibdib ko dahil nandiyan na siya.

"Hey," bati namin sa isa't isa nang pagbuksan ko siya ng pinto. His face is more stoic than the usual. He's wearing a black shirt with a black jacket and jeans.

Pinapasok ko siya't saka ko napansin 'yung dala niyang pagkain.

"I cooked this," sabi niya nang ipakita sa'kin 'yung hawak niyang bag.

"Oh." Sana hindi ka na nag-abala pa, gusto ko sana sabihin. Tinanggap ko 'yung dala niya saka pumunta ako ng kitchen. Pasimple kong tinago na lang tinago sa ilalim ng counter 'yung nabili kong pagkain.

"Let's eat then let's discuss the flow of the interview," sabi niya ulit at tumango lang ako.

He's cold. He's not showing any emotions. Mukhang magdamag siyang naghanda para sa araw na 'to.

I want to ask him how he feels but I didn't. I felt it's not my place to ask because . . . I am responsible for this. Biglang bumalik ang mga boses sa isip ko na puno ng paninisi. It's your fault, Louella.

Habang kumakain kami'y hindi ako mapakali sa malamig niyang presensiya.

Lee, what are you thinking? How are you feeling? Are you okay? I know you're not. This is hard for you. You don't have to do it. This is all my fault. I'm sorry.

Imbis na sabihin ko 'yon ay iba ang lumabas sa bibig ko. "Raven is one of them." Natigilan siya nang marinig 'yon. He saw my messages and the attached photo of Raven with Arianne.

We stared for seconds without blinking.

"I . . . I'm not really sure, Lee, pero malakas ang kutob ko nang makita 'yung mga pictures nila. What . . . I really want to say is . . . You don't have to do it; you don't have to apologize—"

"Even if that's true then what about Ellon? If we quit, then his death will be for nothing—worse, they could pin it to us."

Wala ako kaagad nasabi at napanganga lang ako. He's right. Kung totoo man 'yung kutob ko, paano si Ellon?

"But . . . Raven . . . She . . . She probably betrayed us from the beginning."

"It doesn't matter now."

"S-she's your friend—our friend. H-hindi ko lang matanggap kapag naiisip ko na ginawa niya 'yon sa'tin."

"I'm a Vireo. Nobody's befriending me without a hidden agenda. Matagal ko nang iniisip kung bakit ako nilapitan ni Raven noon—you finally gave me the answer last night," he said as if all of it was nothing to him. He's not showing it, but I can feel that he's hurting.

Napapikit ako saglit saka huminga nang malalim. This is unfair to him.

"Lee, you don't have to do it," I said. Pagkatapos kong masulat 'yung script kanina saka ko lang napagtanto na kung tutuusin ay wala siyang responsibilidad na gawin 'yon. Dahil kung ako ang may pinag-ugatan ng lahat ng 'to, ako rin dapat ang tumapos. "You will not appear in the live stream, I'll tell the world what really happened—including Ellon's death. I'll fight them by myself —"

"Shut up, Lou," putol niya sa'kin.

"Wala kang kasalanan, Lee. This happened because of me—"

"Shut up!"

Then I felt damp in my cheeks. I am already crying. But my heart is beating differently. Hindi ko alam kung bunga lang ba 'to ng maraming caffeine dahil sa inom ko kagabi, mabilis man 'yung pintig ng puso ko pero walang bahid ng anumang takot ang puso ko.

"Let me do it, Lee."

Umiling siya.

"It's not fair to you. I can't bear to see you groveling for the sins you didn't commit. I can't let those people feast your misery."

"You're not sure if Raven really is one of them."

Ako naman ang umiling. "I'm certain. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling 'yon. Masakit, sobrang sakit na isipin na isa si Raven sa kanila—pero . . . totoo man o hindi—I already made up my mind just now, I will protect you."

Finally, I made it in his heart. The ice wall around him broke and I saw his vulnerable face, confused.

"W-why?"

I faintly smiled at him. Kusang gumalaw ang kamay ko para hawakan ang kamay niyang nakapatong sa mesa.

"Because I care for you . . . Actually, I might be falling for you." I saw his mouth fall slightly open. "I tried to resist these feelings out of respect for my friend who told me to stay away from you. But deep inside I knew these feelings for you will grow uncontrollably. I long . . . for a moment . . . for us . . . after all this. So, please . . ."

"They will crush you, Louella, if I don't give them what they want." His voice is trembling. "We don't know what they'll do. They might pin the murder to you."

"Then so be it. I don't care what happens to me. Pwede nilang baligtarin ang pangyayari, pwedeng walang maniwala sa'kin, society might chastise me severely, mawala lahat ng pinaghirapan kong career—I don't care. I'm done chasing the wrong things."

"Are you losing your mind?"

"Maybe I am." Bahagya akong natawa sa sarili ko pero kaagad ding naglaho. Dahan-dahan kong sinalubong ang titig niyang halos mamatay sa pag-aalala. "Besides . . . I might not stay here for long."

"What?" Napakunot siya.

"I never reached the ritual of courage in Mt. Itum kaya hindi n'yo nalaman ang totoong dahilan kung bakit . . . Kung bakit obsessed ako sa paghahanap ng Alpas."

Napaisip si Lysander. Mukhang ngayon lang niya napagtanto ang bagay na 'yon. They didn't knew because I never reached last falls for my own initiation.

"I was obsessed to find Alpas because I'm slowly losing the will to live. I badly wanted to find the courage to the point I believed an old man in a mental institution because . . ."

"Lou—"

"I have a terminal disease, Lee." I saw the color drain from his face. "The doctor found the early signs and it's rapidly spreading in my body. I am afraid to fight it by myself that's why I badly wanted a miracle and courage. I really hoped that maybe the Alpas is real and it could heal me. And look where my obsession took us?"

"I . . . I . . . I'm sorry . . ." Umiling ako. Sinikap niyang bumuo ng pangungusap pero nabigo siya.

"That's why, I want you to live your life the way you want it, without fear amidst society's persecution. There's a life ahead of you, Lee, and you deserve to live it well."

Sa isang iglap namalayan ko na lang na nasa gilid ko na siya, hinila niya ko patayo at mahigpit na kinulong sa bisig niya.

"Are you stupid? Do you think after hearing that I'll let you fight them alone?" It felt like I could feel his heartbeat against mine. "It's crazy but I think I have always loved you."