ITS ALMOST 2019 SO THAT COUNTS, RIGHT?

[Julian; Waves by Normani and 6lack]

TWO: when you revisit your roots.

Michigan was exactly how I left it but somehow it didn't feel the same.

Everything just felt empty, like a light had blown out and no one had the care to replace it. He hadn't gone far, only a few towns over and I was still afraid to run into him. It'd been way too awkward our last encounter that even stepping foot into Brighton felt overly nostalgic and all too real. Being so far away, it was easy to subside the guilt and push away the hurt but the minute I'd gotten off the plane, I felt that same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My dad had met me at the airport, he wasn't in his work attire and his clothing was more casual than I'd expected. So many things had changed and with the distance, it felt somewhat drastic; I hadn't been home since Christmas and his beard had grown out as did his hair. I'd never seen my dad without a haircut, not since I was little and it was slightly weird to see that it curled at the ends.

That he looked so much younger and full of life.

In sweatpants and a t-shirt at noon, he'd wrapped his arms around me, them feeling firmer than I last remembered. He'd been working out and I was sure it had everything to do with his new girlfriend.

Since the divorce, he hadn't done much in the realm of finding someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved. My father had wasted so much of his own time caring about me that he didn't date much not even once my mother had moved on to some man in her congregation. Four months prior, he'd started to date this woman named Andria and I hadn't seen his smile that bright since my parents' last anniversary before my coming out. He was in love and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

But I knew I was supposed to be happy for him, I knew a part of me was, and I knew that when he held me a little longer, it was mostly for me. "Hey." He'd finally spoken when he pulled away, his voice chipper and smile bright. "I missed you." There was something so different about him then, something much calmer and a self-resentment had surfaced before being quickly and adamantly pushed away.

The thought that he'd been happier since my departure had lingered, still.

"I missed you too, Dad." My words weren't as soft as before, I'd gotten better at faking contentment, he didn't understand just how sincere that was. I missed him like hell, I was so lonely and I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if he hadn't been able to pick me up from the airport.

I didn't like to acknowledge that though, how close I was to a breakdown at all times. At least once a day, I'd feel my throat close up and I hadn't really cried in a while, I was sure that him not being there would hurt more than it should've. I felt so much safer in Michigan now, being someplace else really made me appreciate the serenity of a small town. California was so big and so busy and there was always something going on around me. "How's college, city boy?"

I didn't have much to say about it, not since the stress had been eating me alive. He didn't need to know that though, that classes were bad and my mental health was worse, that the only thing I was good at just so happened to be riddled with dozens of other amazing soccer mvps picked from their own alma maters across the country and so on.

He didn't need to know that I was struggling immensely and I didn't feel the need to tell him, not now, not when he was looking at me like this.

So I shrugged, plastering a smile on my face, only telling him bits and pieces about assignments I'd done okay on, games I'd played in. He looked proud, just like he had since I'd walked across the stage and if that was the only consistent thing in my life besides this ache in my chest... I intended to hold on.

: : :

Benji, going into the military fresh out of high school had actively reached out at the beginning- well, the end. When Paul and I were going through our mess, I'd disconnected myself from everything but even before that, I'd retreated into myself. I didn't call much, not to my friends and not to my family, the only calls I really answered were Jade's and Paul's and not so much the latter.

It had been way too long so when I saw Will looking even more like her older brother everyday, I'd been stuck. Her smile was strong though, she'd been excited as her and Jade ran to my side, I wasn't sure when they'd gotten close.

I didn't talk to Ben but I missed him, I really did. Everything was just so pointless in my hometown, it reminded me of losing everything, losing all my important relationships due to my lack of willingness to try... I didn't have anyone anymore and it was my fault. I'd lost the love of my life and that guilt was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced.

"Julian!" My sister's voice had knocked me out of it, her jumping into my arms almost as quickly as I heard. Thankfully, I'd been able to catch her, her arms wrapped around my neck and she'd been smiling as well. It was around four and I'd come to pick her up, to surprise her and I'd been the one surprised myself.

She'd changed a bit, I'd seen her the Christmas before but seeing her in person was different, so different. She was taller than before, that much I could tell, she'd been level with my shoulder before, all 5'3 of teenage angst. Now, the top of her head was a little above my chin and her eyes were a brighter emerald with a newfound spark.

Her hair was no longer black with green highlights- her grunge phase had ended sometime between school breaks. The only locks had been replaced with brown hair with dark roots and a caramel color intertwined in the strands. Her old leather jacket was now a dark denim and she had a piercing in her cartilage.

I'd gotten good at pretending I was fine, even when she was a physical embodiment of how much I'd been missing back home, my smile was strong as Will linked arms with me once Jade was back on her feet. "Hey!"

The two had led me back to my father's car, chattering along about something I wasn't too interested in. Will had changed too, hers more drastic due to the time apart, but she was still the same amount of touchy and I appreciated it. I appreciated the fact that they were friends too, maybe mutual love of Caspar had brought them together.

I wasn't very in tune with the conversation, not until we were standing in front of my dad's car. By then, Will and Jade has been so immersed in their own world, they probably didn't notice that what they were talking about wasn't any of my business.

My sister had raised an eyebrow tilting her head as if to challenge something Will had said, "Pete?" Her words were questioning but her tone was anything but and for some reason, I forgot that Will and Pete were ever a thing.., maybe I'd been so self-centered as to think that their family's involvement in my life in any way started and ended with me and Paul.

"I'm not dating him."

"Oh please, you took his virginity," Jade was laughing at the face the other girl had pulled, her nose scrunched. I was sure I was blushing then, the idea of Pete hooking up with anyone was weird to me. Pete was like a little brother in a way, but not really at all, mostly that had to do with how much I could see myself in him. He was probably different now, maybe grew more into himself... everyone else had changed, why couldn't he? "He's obsessed with you."

"Jade!" Will's voice had raised two octaves, her hand darting out to swat my sister's bare arm and she'd hiked her bag further up her shoulder. "I have to get home but I'll come by later?" It took a second for me to realize that she was talking to me, maybe it was the thought that her being close to Jade would distance us. That was irrational, I knew it and I was happy to have Will still in my life in some way but the thought that she would rather he friends with my sister daunted me. "I really missed you."

But that was stupid, I had to remind myself. I constantly had to remind myself of those kinds of things, little reassurances every so often. "I missed you too, little Ben." I'd pulled her under my arm then, hugging her body to mine and she sunk into my frame.

"Ugh." With a smile, she pulled away, pecking my cheek as she stood on her toes and I found myself blushing at the sentiment. "You should call him, he asks about you, like, all the time. He said" puffing out her chest a bit, she lowered her voice to imitate her older brother "LA think he don't gotta answer no one's calls round here no more."

That made me laugh, I could see Benji ranting about my lack of communication, he would stick his chest out and cross his arms in order to seem intimidating, I was sure. He'd try to frown, narrowing his eyes at me as if he were disappointed but in a few seconds, he'd crack a smile through a serious facade. And then we'd laugh.

"Santa Barbra." I smiled, knowing he didn't care much and Will rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, Cali-boy." With a shove of my chest, she'd backed up, stepping up on the curb and Jade had ripped the keys from my fingertips, twirling them on hers before unlocking the car and getting in. "They get Julian Douglas on the west coast now but don't forget us, okay?"

I can't. I could never forget them.

"Can I even call him in the army?"

She nodded, placing her hand to her forehead in a mock salute. "Cadet Morris is in advanced training now." When she'd laughed enough at her own actions, she'd turned, Will was always one for theatrics. "Lives in Texas, I'll send you the number."

And when I was settled in the car, I'd heard a text notification, a contact under the name G.I. Joe flashed across the screen.

"I didn't really think you'd be back until Christmas." Jade's voice was soft as I hooked my phone up to the aux, playing whatever I'd last listened to and my playlist on shuffle. She was toying with the necklace around her neck and her green eyes were on me.

And I understood that, I barely visited, it was already too hard to motivate myself to get up everyday let alone go through the necessary steps to travel and keep my classes in order. Maybe I told myself that though, maybe I didn't want to admit that coming back here scared me. Running into Paul scared me, seeing everyone doing better once I was gone scared me. "I wasn't going to miss your birthday, you know that."

She'd turned seventeen a few days prior and her voice when I called had been so excited but she was hesitant. Later, my dad has informed me of how she'd told his girlfriend that she thought I was going to surprise her since I'd missed her last birthday. A plane ticket was available for the next day and I'd jumped on it, not planning ahead for the two days I'd stay before I had to go back.

But the stress of missing a class or two was worth the reaction, it was worth seeing Jade so happy.

"Thank you."

I'd nodded, trying not to think of the Chem lecture I was missing. "How's school?"

And unexpectedly, she was beaming, I'd never seen Jade excited about school and I didn't think I'd see the day. "I aced my math test today. Um... It's been pretty good."

"And Chris?"

"You know his name isn't Chris."

With a smile toying on my lips, I'd mocked confusion. "Clayton?"

"Shut up." She was laughing, punching my shoulder but not nearly full-force and she'd answered without correction knowing I wouldn't care much anyways. "He's great. You know, he's working at the Coke Factory on Wilkinson's and picks me up on Fridays."

Caspar had been taking extra courses online to graduate early and get a full time job and help support his family. With his degree coming towards the end of this semester, he'd had his life in order and I was happy for him.

"He's treating you right?"

Jade scoffed then and she knew what I was insinuating before id even asked. "We haven't had sex." Rolling her eyes, she pouted a bit and it made me gag inside just acknowledging that my sister had a sex life. "He cares about me enough and he wants to stay abstinent until marriage."

"Marriage?"

I didn't realize how serious they were until then, I didn't think they'd last another year but with the way Jade was speaking of him, they'd been planning. They were talking about marriage, about forever. "Right." It didn't even seem like it had fully sunk in for her yet, the thought of being with someone so completely and I understood it. She had the same look in her eye, same wistful stare that I had when I realized I had fallen too hard to recover and I only hoped that she wouldn't face the same fate.

"You love him?" I didn't even have to ask, I could see it in the way she smiled.

But maybe I was trying to see if she'd admitted it to herself. She nodded almost instantly, almost as if there were no question on her love for Caspar and I trusted it. "I can't imagine not being with him, it's crazy." I understood that, I did especially realizing that they'd been together for over three years sans their on and off break, she'd never known love without him.

"Well, he's a good influence." Never thought I'd say that about Caspar.

She'd been blushing then and even with how girly Jade had gotten, she still wasn't one to stay on this topic for too long. "Shut up." Eyes alight with a new teasing, she gave me a smirk. "So, how's college? Meet any cuties?" We weren't going to talk about this.

"Not really."

"Okay," she snorted and when I'd glanced over, her fingertips were dancing across the screen of my phone. I didn't know how she knew my password but she did and she was going through my phone before I could even protest. My sister was scrolling through, stifling a smile and that made me slightly self conscious.

"Jade!" She was laughing then and my self confidence had plummeted, was she going through text messages? Photos? My Grindr account that I hadn't used in months? "Give me that." I was reaching for my phone then, not really trying but hoping that she'd take pity.

She didnt.

"Chill out before you crash the car, I am not tryna die before I hit 18." Swatting my hand away, she scrolled slower, her lips pursed as if she were dissecting everything and then she stopped.  "Who is he?"

And instead of reaching for my phone, I peered over thinking it was a drunken picture of me and Danny -half my camera roll was, there wasn't anything else in my life to document- but instead a curly haired boy appeared on my screen. He'd been smiling in the picture, one of the ones he'd taken in my phone and I didn't care enough to delete, it was during a study session with him and another guy I'd had a class with and I was in the back of the picture, not paying attention.

Normally, I'd let Wren do what he wanted as long as it didn't make me look bad, it was too much to fight him on every little thing. A picture wasn't that serious but he was in yet another big shirt, his skinny body engulfed and his eyes looked more hazel that day; my head was spinning.

"His name's Wren."

She'd smirked at that, as if I were dishing out my life story by just acknowledging him. "Oo?"

"He's clingy."

"Well, why do you like him?" And that almost made me laugh, did anyone really like anyone in college? I had priorities and Wren had other priorities and neither one of us ranked high enough on either of those lists: we fucked, that was it. But Jade didn't really get that.

"Honestly?"

She nodded and I thought what was the harm in correcting it? At least then she wouldn't be on my case about it all day.

"I don't."

She looked at me then, really looked at me as if she were confused. With furrowed brows, it felt like my sister was trying to pick me apart bit by bit, as if my answer wasn't enough. "You have pictures of every guy you don't like?"

"What?"

She was scrolling through my social media then, I rarely did use it but I often saved pictures from night outs. How was it that she knew all my passwords? "Damn." And when I'd looked over, she'd been going through my folders in my pictures, her eyes blown wide. Instantly, I'd snatched my phone.

"Don't look at that," half of them were naked pictures of Wren and the other half were my poor attempt at being sexy, she definitely didn't need to see any of that. "seriously, stop."

She didn't say anything else about it, must've been deterred by my obvious discomfort. "If you don't like him, why are you talking to him?"

"Because boys are idiots."

I'd gotten post notifications... The only person I put post notifications on for was Paul, unsure of why I tortured myself so much.

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Jade's voice was soft afterwards, she didn't seem to care much about what we were talking about before. She wasn't skidding her fingers across the face of my phone anymore, she'd looked up at me then, eyes careful. "Do you miss him?"

It was almost as if she heard my heart drop, I was hoping she wasn't paying attention to the way I'd caught the picture in my peripheral at a stop light. Later that night, I'd spent a hour scrolling through comments, hoping that I'd be strong enough to unfollow him.

I never was.

"Wren?" I'd asked, my voice was calm and cool. Jade didn't take the bait though, she wouldn't and I should've been used to it.

Her eyes had met mine then and the red light felt too long, it felt like we'd been sitting there for ages and I kept my eyes ahead. "Paul." She wanted to talk about it, she always did, maybe that was what kept me from coming back... that and the constant inquires about my health. She worried too much, worried too often, and there were way too many questions I wanted to leave unanswered for all of our sakes.

But she wouldn't let up and if I didn't answer this quickly, we'd be beating around the same bush for the next two days. I simply shrugged before nodding, of course I missed him. It was impossible to think I didn't, he was the first person I'd ever loved and he left me because I couldn't get my shit together. I'd driven him away and I still had the nerve to feel sorry for myself.

She sighed. "You know Will and Pete have their thing and if it's any consolation, Paul can't look at me without asking how you are."

It felt like a lie, something to keep me sane because Jade had the feeling that I'd lose it.

I wasn't sure why that left a nasty taste in my mouth, probably because I somewhat felt cornered. Our break up wasn't nasty, I don't think it was intended to be or could be but maybe I'd have felt better if it was. Maybe I would have appreciated Paul being angry with me because the disappointment he held hurt more somehow. I'd given up and he left me, I lied to him and he left me, I pushed him away and he... left.

And he still cared about me? No way.

"You still see him?" My words were empty but I was hoping it wasn't true even when I knew it was. They'd been so close, they'd all known each other and became friends; I never really took into consideration how fucked up it would be for everyone to cut communication if Paul and I were to split. Felt almost like distancing an extended family, like a divorce even if we were never even engaged. The promise ring itched on my finger, I didn't have the nerve to take it off, I never did.

Jade was still eying me carefully but she'd shrugged as well, reiterating what I already knew was true. "I've been to his place a few times; Pete has a key and it kinda feels like we're family at this point."

"It's weird."

So fucking weird. All of it was, every single thing.

"Yeah." She must've been thinking about it as well and suddenly, I felt like she was exacting some weird revenge for me befriending Caspar years back. My throat was closing up then and I tried to push away any negative thoughts like that. I had to remind myself that she wasn't like that that and no one was out to get me. "I'm sorry, he's your ex and it's not okay-"

It's not okay, it's not okay, it's not-

She was feeling bad and it was my fault so I tried to subside my own feelings. Selflessness was something that came with self-loathing and self-deprecation, all of that came rushing back full-force in sophomore year. "...Paul and I were t-together for a while, our- our families are close. It's not my place to-"

"Pull over."

"What?" We were in the middle of driving and Jade had this look in her eyes when I'd met them. She was focused on my hands, trembling on the wheel. Sucking in a breath, I flexed my fingers a bit, relaxing back into my body and it was then I realized my heart was hammering away at my chest.

"Pull over."

It was a normal sensation, maybe I'd gotten too used to it but everything in my stance was screaming, everything. All my nerves were heightened and when I'd finally retreated from the autopilot in my head, we were on the side of the road and my eyes were unfocused.

"Hey." Jade's voice was soft, her green eyes meeting mine and she was leaning over the center console. My sister had a hand placed overtop of mine, I still hadn't let go of the gear shift, my body frozen into place and I'd blinked a few times. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." I could have killed us.

I was so unaware of my own body, so lost in my head that I wasn't paying attention to the road. I wasn't paying attention to anything around me and I'd become a danger to others and myself. "Does that happen a lot?" Fuck.

"No."

She still didn't let up and maybe she'd caught wind of how zoned out I'd been. "You've been on a new medication?" No. "Right? You're seeing a therapist?"

I'd been lying to them for months, it was my same old meds since I'd stopped therapy. I didn't switch over and I needed to. SSRIs weren't good for me anymore, not since my depression had gotten worse, but I just didn't have the time to incorporate therapy back into my life and I couldn't get new meds without a doctor's stamp of approval. Refilling the same old shit was the closest thing I'd get to a temporary fix, these stopped me from falling completely but they never stopped the panic.

"Of course I am." I couldn't tell Jade that though, not when she'd just seen me fall into an almost full-blown attack. "St-stop worrying, 'M fine."

But she was still shaken up and I felt awful for it. "I'm gonna drive the rest of the way." I didn't move, not an inch because moving too quickly would've sent me to my knees dry-heaving and upchucking the protein bar I had on the plane. I hadn't eaten much that day, maybe that was the reason I was so lightheaded. "That's not a question."

: : :

The remainder of the car ride home was more tense than I'd have liked it to be. With Jade on edge, I found myself on edge and we'd both been a bit too much for each other; the air was thick. I could barely peel my eyes away from the road, knowing that if I did, I'd meet green irises... I'd settled for her burning holes into my cheek.

With how much no one at college knew my problems, I underestimated how well my family knew me, how often they paid attention and maybe that was another reason for me not returning since my last departure. It was easy for Jade to notice something was off, especially when she'd pulled into the driveway and lingered a bit before leaving me alone. She didn't know what to say so she said nothing at all and for that, I was grateful.

But instead of locking myself up in my room, I settled for sitting in the living room, my body stiff against the couch and I'd picked at a pillow that seemed all too new. My dad's girlfriend had not only changed his style but there were remnants of her everywhere and I didn't know how to react: my mother's crosses were no longer hanging and in place of them sat artwork that felt a little too minimalistic for my father's taste.

There were taupe colored pillows sitting on our dining room seats and a plant in the corner, she'd done some renovating and I wondered how serious they were.

"Julian?"

He was still smiling when I'd met his eyes then, that same happiness he'd had before and despite how out of place I felt, I didn't wan to ruin that. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

Instead of talking to him, instead of speaking out about my confusion, I found myself nodding, "Yeah dad." He was happy and I wasn't going to step in the way with nonsense questions. Paul's picture from earlier had passed through my mind, I'd clicked on the notification after much deliberation when Jade had left me in the car and that was definitely a mistake. "Just a little jet-lagged is all."

Why was I so fixated on him? Why wouldn't I let myself recover?

Jason Douglas didn't have the answers to that, he couldn't bring me any peace, not in that way. "How's California?" So we fell into small talk, my father looking so serene, so full of life and I indulged hoping that would appease him.

"It's nice." I'd told him, "Lots of people, you know?"

"Yeah, Andria used to live in LA, she said it's like a movie, there's a beach on every turn." And when he talked about her, if possible, his eyes lit up even more. His smile got wider, lips stretching so far it probably hurt and he'd bit his lip before looking down at his hands, almost bashful. He was in love.

"Andria."

And at my lifeless tone, he'd looked up instantly, eyes guarded again and he almost looked guilty. He went to console me, "J-"

"I want you to be happy, Dad." I did, everything in me wanted that for him, I wanted him to be in love and I wanted him to have someone to love him in that way. He deserved it and I wasn't going to get in the way, not again. "She makes you happy, don't worry about me." He'd been so patient with me, so accommodating, he'd turned his whole life upside down when I was going through Hell and he thought I was better now.

I was okay, he needed to focus on himself, to live life for him again.

"I'm sure you'll love her once you get to know her."

Of course I would, he loved her and he'd been so scarce with his love since Loraine. There was no way the woman he loved now wouldn't be amazing. "I know I will." I just hoped she felt the same. "She can put up with you."

: : :

It was later that night, before dinner, and even if I'd mostly said it to get my father off my back, I was jet-lagged. I hadn't been able to sleep after dinner, my body feeling weak even despite the fact that every time I laid down, I couldn't fall asleep. I felt drained, so impossibly drained for some reason and I knew it was the proximity between Paul and I. I could've driven there, I could've gotten into my dad's car at that moment, asked Jade for the address and been at Paul's place that night. Something in me wanted to see him, needed to.

But I was afraid, I was a coward, I was in love with someone who probably never wanted to see me again and the just the thought of him refusing to speak to me had me paralyzed. I'd laid back on my bed, the room nearly the same as the last time I'd been there and Paul's nameplate necklace was sitting on my dresser where Jade had last thrown it that Christmas Eve.

I'd been panicking, my body shaking almost as if I were subconsciously trying to make sense of my heart racing as much as it was and his necklace had felt too small then. I was crying, pacing my room and every time I replayed it, I saw him with tears in his eyes. He'd been rushing away almost as soon as I sat down, almost as soon as he'd made eye contact with me and his smile was shaky.

"He's just stressed right now, big project," his mother had excused, lying to save face and his father had snorted, an elbow catching him in the rib. My dad had tried to meet my eyes but I'd found myself in the bathroom on my knees with everything I'd eaten that day in the toilet. I was hyperventilating, my hands shaky as I went to clean the vomit off my face and when I'd called and Uber and excused myself, I'd rushed home.

I wasn't taking my meds, not in a few days and Jade had found me crying, the broken chain laying on the floor beside me.

She'd probably gotten it fixed because the links were connected again, it was in perfect condition and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

I'd sunk further into my bed, reveling in the small comfort. Everything had changed, people had changed, I had changed but my room hadn't. My bed was the same and somehow that calmed me.

My sister's voice was soft when she'd knocked on my open door, her knuckles lightly rapping on it and I'd pulled my lingering eyes away from the jewelry. She'd been offering a peace offering almost as if we'd been arguing all day. "Zombies?" The game was between her manicured fingers, eyes on mine and small smile barely there. Her voice was optimistic but her stance was anything but, she didn't know that I wasn't mad at her at all.

"Sure."

We hadn't even gotten past ten kills when she'd spoken up, legs crossed underneath her on my bed and I was too focused on my tv to acknowledge when she'd started to fidget. It was almost two in the morning and she was lagging on a game she would normally be dominating in. "I'm sorry."

Trying not to think about it, I dismissed it. "It's not your fault." And it wasn't, she didn't need to feel bad for anything because feeling bad about it wouldn't do anything.

"I shouldn't have brought Paul up."

"I should be over it."

And I was building a barrier in the kitchen of the yacht that had been overrun with zombies when she'd paused the game. She was looking at me then like she was sick of my shit and I somewhat understood it. "You love him, Jules."

But I wasn't going to respond to that because I knew that didn't change anything. Admitting that I still loved him would do more harm than good because she wouldn't let it go after that and then it'd be Christmas Eve all over again and I didn't know if I could handle that a second time.

"You were going through a lot. You know, it affects people in different ways." And she was trying to absolve me of what. id done, she was on my side and I didn't know why that infuriated me. "If you just talk to him-"

It was my fucking fault. "I treated him like that because I was stupid not because of my depression. That's my fault, I'm not gonna act like it's not."

I broke his heart, I lied to him, I fucked him up and ignoring that would be selfish. Blaming my depression for messes I made fully conscious of the repercussions was another reason he'd left me and I understood it. Paul left me because I wasn't solid enough for him anymore and he knew he deserved better and I was the one that had pushed him away.

He hated me now and he had every reason to.

But despite that, Jade still tried because when she fucked up, it was forgiven. She'd done some shitty things to Caspar and he had the heart to forgive her, I wasn't going to ask Paul to do the same though, that wasn't who he was."I cheated on Cas and it was the worst thing I could've done to him but he forgave me."

"I promised him I would always try and then I didn't, I stopped caring. I broke his heart because I'm bad at keeping my shit together; I fucked up."

"Jules-"

The way he looked at me... "He didn't look at me the same after a while, next thing I knew was we were over and I was sleeping with other people and I didn't answer his calls and... and he has a boyfriend now." I had to get over it, Danny was right. If I wasn't going to do anything about it, I had to let him go.

"Are you taking your meds?"

She was worried about me, I knew she was, days after Paul had broken up with me, I'd stopped taking my antidepressants. Everything had spiraled when he didn't want to see me and I'd had my first bad breakdown, I'd blanked. Jade had to fill me in on my depressive words later, she had to recall how I'd spoken my suicidal thoughts in front of her. That mostly was the reason that she was so protective now, she'd never seen me that low and I knew that it was stuck in her head now.

"I've already told you, yes."

Still, she hadn't unpaused the game and I felt cornered again, I felt boxed in and I didn't know how to get out because the regret was surfacing again, the guilt was slowly eating me alive. "You haven't..."

"Tried to kill myself?" And I wouldn't. I hadn't and I wouldn't, I wasn't going to get that low, I wasn't going to kill myself over a guy that didn't love me anymore.

She'd sighed then, obviously upset by my words and I would've felt bad if I cared enough. Her care was turning suffocating by then and I understood that she was worried but I was already frustrated enough. "Don't act like that." With a frown, she unpaused the game even if the leftover words lingered in the air.

She spoke softly then, words barely there and it was almost timid. "I'm worried." Slicing the throat of some zombie that she'd been locked with, she barely celebrated.

"I'm fine, I haven't hurt myself, I never even have the desire to." I felt the need to clarify, knowing that even if she'd be angry that I didn't talk about it, she didn't need to be scared. I wasn't going to hurt myself, not over a boy.

It wasn't going to get that bad; I wouldn't let myself fall that low.

"What happens on your low days?"

"Sex."

And she didn't judge me, she just simply gave a curt nod. "With Wren." It did make me feel bad but I refused to let the guilt eat at me. I used Wren to help my self esteem, to distract me, but it wasn't like he didn't know what he was getting into.

So I sighed, the round ending with a victory, Jade throwing her arms up with a smile and I knew that no matter what, no matter how I fucked up... she had my back.

A/N:

FILLERS ARE SO ANNOYING, I HAVE LIKE THREE CHAPTERS ALREADY DONE THAT I COULDN'T POST BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE THIS FILLER CHAPTER DONE.

Happy almost new year guys.

Updated: Monday, December 31st.