[Sullivan; Medicated by Kari Faux]

WATTY SEASON, VOTE IT UP AND COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT.

TWELVE: when you give him a chance.

To say I was nervous was a bit of an understatement. I'd never done the whole 'not-being-sure-of-where-you-stand' thing and I really wasn't looking forward to it but I knew I needed to get out of my dorm when Sullivan said to drop a pin of my location and said he'd call me when he got there... that was when uncertainty really set in.

Was I really going to do this? Try to be interested in someone other than Paul, I'd tried it before, tried moving on and it didn't end well, what was the difference now? Maybe the difference was that I was more mad than sad over the situation, I was angry with him and maybe that's what it would take to move in. It was one hang out with Sullivan, he didn't say it was a date and that was for the best.

Still, I found my palms sweating as I bit my lip, trying to waste the next few hours before Sullivan got off. I wasn't really expecting anything except a mutual getting-off but I never fucked overtly attractive men on the regular nor did I really fuck charismatic men anymore. Wren was cute in a weird kind of way and Ernest wasn't all that attractive, neither of them were up to par with Sullivan though.

Sullivan was... rugged but in an intellectual way, that was the best way I could describe him only knowing so little. He was hot, extremely hot and I was still convinced that this was some practical joke that the universe was playing on me and it wouldn't be revealed until it was way too late.

Was I in over my head? Yes, I was, I was definitely not nearly attractive enough for him... I wasn't even in the ballpark. What if this was just a joke? What if he would realize that I was just too desperate and cancelled at the last minute? Or didn't text me at all when he got off?

I tried to pay attention to Calculus, especially once Danny had reentered the room. He smelled like he'd smoked a pound of weed and honestly, I was looking for something to take the edge off.

With a bag of chips in his hand, he threw himself down on his bed, his phone in his other hand. He was playing a video and chewing loudly, eyes wide and staring intently on the screen, the bed he was on creaked. He sunk into it, my eyes darting over to catch his slumped body, he was laughing then.

"Hey."

"Sup?" He'd asked although I was sure it wasn't supposed to be answered. "Have you seen those videos where like-" he paused to shove another handful of chips into his mouth, "where like they- they build these things outta matches." He looked mindblower by the concept and I'd often see him watching science videos in his free time, that was something weird about Danny but I kinda liked it. "And they blow it up, bro, it's so fuckin' cool."

Maybe his whole family was weirdly smart in a way you wouldn't expect, Danny got good enough grades.

"I'ma send you the video." He offered and I knew he'd forget anyways so I shrugged, spinning back around in my chair, I had a pencil in my hand but honestly, I didn't think I'd get much done at this rate. I wasn't interested in my homework, all I was interested in was overthinking my date... was it even a date?

"JD." That was Danny, his voice absentminded, he was almost completely submerged in the ending of the video he was watching when I turned to look at him. He had a finger in the air as if to tell me to wait as he finished out the video and slowly after, he turned his head in my direction.

Wide smile on his face, he sat up to grab at his bag excitedly. "I got these space brownies off Ernie, man, you should try one with me." And he was already a bit fucked so I wasn't sure what exactly it would do for him but I didn't mind the idea.

Smoking with Danny had become a regular thing now. Before, it was normally whenever Ernest came over, we'd hit his dab pen as he rolled a blunt and go for a walk. Weed was legal in California but I still didn't have any interest, my roommate saw it as me being light and stopped offering really... until I'd smoked with him on the beach.

And I liked it, Danny and I had been a weird pair of friends since then, we talked about baggage, I seemed to have a lot of that and he never seemed to mind, or he kept it under wraps. I couldn't help but be nervous that one day, he'd just tell me to shut up, that he didn't really care about anything I said and that he was tired of listening to me.

At least when I was in the moment, I didn't have the capacity to cage self-doubt. When I was high, I could let everything out because my filter didn't exist and I felt so free, it lifted the biggest weight off my chest.

I thought the high wouldn't last that long, thought I would be just coming down by the time Sullivan got there if I barely ate any, so I nodded. Reaching over, I took the half he broke for me, breaking it again and only eating a fourth of a brownie, that couldn't have hit that hard.

"Careful, that butter'll fuck you up." He'd said a little too late, he was laughing then, staring at his ceiling. He'd placed his earbuds in and broke a small piece off his half, shakily placing the rest in his little baggie and I wrapped mine in some leftover foil from a sandwich I'd eaten earlier, throwing it in the back of our mini fridge.

It hadn't hit me until half an hour later and I'd realized I was reading the same sentence over and over again, Danny laughing at something he'd been watching on Netflix.

I wasn't sure what had happened but all of a sudden, I felt completely at ease. There wasn't a single doubt in my mind, there wasn't really anything in my mind. I'd abandoned my textbook in favor of staring at my hands, I could almost feel the blood rushing through my body, could hear it too and I locked my eyes on Danny's bed, there he lay in a fit of laughter.

I wondered how long I was staring at him because he was looking back at me then and he was nearly crying from amusement. "Dude, that shit has you geeked." He'd giggled and I found myself snickering back, even if I didn't have any real idea of what was so funny. Danny was leaning over off his bed, the show still playing in the background and normally, I'd have felt so nervous.

I would've been paranoid that I was so high and I had plans for later but instead, I sat there in my desk chair, staring at raised hands and I felt a sense of complete and utter euphoria. I was happy, I was so fucking happy and giddy and I hadn't felt the stretch of my smile in so long because I was looking into Danny's eyes now through the cracks of my parted fingers and I felt so fucking exhilarated.

I was so high.

He was laughing again, both of us then and when he'd sobered up, he stood with his laptop in hand, balancing on his shaky forearm. With a gleeful laugh that sounded nothing short of careless, he  plopped down in his desk chair scooting towards my desk quickly in one fluid motion.

: : :

Maybe I was convinced that the high would've worn off by the time I got the call from Sullivan and maybe I actually thought it had... but when his voice rang through my phone, I bit my lip and I could still feel the tingle of my skin where my teeth had indented. His voice sounded lively and I could nearly feel it vibrating through my ears and through my skin.

His voice rattled in my brain and he seemed excited and something about that made me feel serene. I was becoming excited at the new possibilities but maybe that was because I was content with the family size bag of chips Danny had both opened and shared with me twenty minutes prior.

I was then sitting in Sullivan's car, smile on my face as he asked what kind of music I was interested in.

"I don't really know how to describe it." I'd responded, not really knowing what to say, I liked mainstream music but I was also still into like early 2000s contemporary rap, alternative hip hop all of that. I liked pop as well, I'd like to say my music taste was fairly versatile.

He laughed, his laugh seemed different, maybe I hadn't paid attention to it when we were both drunk as hell. It was a nice laugh and we were winding down streets, windows down, I was sure that people in other cars could enjoy his laughter much like mine. Sullivan drove a nice car in a nice college town, with a good paying job, and he had goals, big goals. Maybe I needed stability. He seemed stable.

"Try."

His voice was gentler than expected and among other things, it was kind. His beard was shaved down, it stretching across the jaw of a clean face, his almond eyes narrowed as he smiled. Sullivan had a beautiful smile, I could imagine him being a doctor, I wouldn't mind him being mine.

"I used to listen to Odd Future." I tried, feeling bolder than before. "I like that kind of music a lot but I'm also into bands, you know? 80s rock..." The wind was blowing through my hair and I could feel the strands between my fingertips. "I mean, it's not all that good but I don't know I like a lot of stuff."

Sullivan laughed at that, "So you're that kind of gay."

"What kind of gay?" He thought he had me all figured out, he seemed like that before as well, during our first meeting, he'd had a smirk on his face the entire time. He was presumptuous, extremely brazen, and I was sure that he didn't care much but it was undeniably hot.

Maybe it was because I didn't know much about myself, I probably needed to be told about myself as it was. He was the most attractive man, the most conventionally attractive man I'd ever seen in my life, he had tattoos littered up and down his arms, he was wearing a basic tee shirt but it was so fitted I could see the definition in his perfect torso and I was sitting in his car as he told me things I didn't want to admit to myself.

And I was enjoying it, slightly, what the hell was wrong with me?

"You're a student athlete, you like underground music so you probably feel out of place a lot."  He shrugged, "You're not that confident so I feel like you're still coming into yourself, probably came out recently, I don't know... plus, you look straight." Was I that readable? Did I offer that much that a complete and utter stranger knew this much from three small conversations?

"Don't act like you know me."

"Hey, none of that was an insult, it's all pretty hot." And I couldn't say it was but I also was feeling pretty exposed and he was blowing the end of a very long high for me, I was hungry. "I'm sorry."

That was the thing about Sullivan, he stepped out of line sometimes but he always held himself accountable, he lived in his truth and I didn't hate that.

So instead of pulling away again, I asked, "Where are we going?"

He looked around as if he didn't know that himself and that was when I realized that he'd just been driving aimlessly, there was no real direction in where we were going. "Well, we have three hours so..." He trailed off, gripping his steering wheel with only one hand then and the control he had in just that sent chills up my spine. I was horny and he was in shorts that showed off his thighs. "Do you wanna go on a date with me?"

"A date?" I'd been expecting a quickie, that he was finding a place where we wouldn't draw much attention in the middle of the day, or maybe he was heading back to his place but the man seemed completely innocent and without intention.

Only the objective of getting to know me.

"Yeah, a date."

Do you wanna do something? That sounded like fucking, it only seemed right that that was exactly what he meant. "You don't know anything about me."

Sullivan smiled then, making a turn and I realize he was rounding the block for a fourth time, this wasn't like me. I didn't just go on dates, I hadn't been on a date in months and the last one I went on, I'd ended up leaving before it was even over as I got way too wasted way too quickly and it was embarrassing because he didn't engage.

"That's what the date's for." He spoke, his voice having a chuckle in it and he seemed like there was no real conviction in it. I felt in control and it felt good, maybe that was what made Paul feel secure in me, I liked the idea that I could back away if need be. Other guys came on too strong like Wren or had no care like Ernest but Sullivan seemed like the perfect happy medium.

He cared what I wanted but just a little, he wouldn't work too hard to get a date and maybe that was what maturity was, I could only imagine being so self-confident. He wanted a date but he wouldn't push for it because either way he was fine, I only hoped to get to that point and I was slightly envious.

He was so attractive he always thrived in this appearance-based society and he knew it, it was stress-free.

And here I was assuming things about him, being just as presumptuous.

"Look, I know you're hesitant so if you don't want to..."

"I mean, it's not that I don't want to." I liked this, having a choice and not hurting anyone based on my choice, it helped me stay calm. "I want to."

"Then what's wrong?" He'd asked, it holding more weight than needed and I instantly felt my bones tensing up, it felt like a friendly conversation and that question alone set me back on fire. I sat up in the seat, trying to seem nonchalant but I was curling in on myself, something Danny had made sure to tell me not to do before I left.

"Don't do that thing you do." he'd said, straightening out my jean jacket. I was sure I shouldn't have worn it but I always for some reason felt confident in it. I felt like I could take on the world in it, only good moments existed in this tattered oversized jacket.

Picking at my sleeve, I looked at myself in the mirror before fixing up my hair. "What thing?"

"You know... when you don't wanna talk and you get all nervous and shit." He answered, laughing and he was so overly amused at my lack of self-awareness. "You look fine, relax."

"You're so guarded, you know that?" That was Sullivan, his brown eyes flitting over to my face and I tried not to recoil again. I tried to relax, tried to feel more secure in myself, tried to tell myself that I had choices and that he wasn't pushy.

So I tried to be honest. "Look... I-I know that I'm not over my ex." I sighed, trying to gage the look on his face and we were pulling over then, we probably should've pulled over before if I were going to give up on this date before it began.

I bit my lip, "And I don't wanna start anything... with you and then end it out of nowhere." Gulping, I tried not to let out too much, tried to feel more comfortable telling him under the guise that he didn't give a fuck. I picked at my sleeve again and this was the most honest that I had been in a while. "I don't want you to hate me."

Maybe I was still operating with sativa in my bloodstream, I was sure I wouldn't have been this confident on a normal basis.

He stayed silent for a second as he put the car in park. Afterwards, he took his hand off the wheel, placing both his hands on his thighs. He had a way about him that felt curious, and I knew it existed purely, maybe I needed this clean slate. "Honestly? I think you're hot, and it might not turn into anything really, like you said we don't know each other." He answered a question that I didn't realize I was asking.

"I wanna take you out at least once. It doesn't have to be anymore than that if you don't want it to be."

Nodding, I let out a long breath; I had closure now and Sullivan was into me. I'd be stupid to run away again... he wouldn't try again and honestly, I wasn't sure if I would find someone as attractive as him again, who would actually be interested in me. I didn't need to keep pushing away shit because I was hanging onto someone who didn't fucking love me.

Paul didn't fucking love me anymore and I needed to get over him, I needed to stop disregarding a man who seemed so fucking perfect because I was convinced my ex would still try to come crawling back. He was with Isaiah, he was drinking, he didn't care about my feelings and what him telling me he loved me would do to me.

After he so fucking explicitly denied it before.

Pushing the jacket off my shoulders, I pulled it completely off, trying to ignore the protests of my skin. I wanted to stop, to wrap myself back in it, to relive all the memories of him wearing it. He wore this jacket when we'd gotten our piercings, he'd worn this jacket to Vidcon, he'd worn this jacket the last time he'd picked me up from the airport.

He told me he loved me in this jacket.

We just have to... we have to try harder.

Pulling the sleeves off, I sat up, not allowing it to ouch my bare skin again, I felt like I was suffocating now. Scratching at the bare skin of my wrist, I twisted the skin on my ring finger and sighed. "...What do you wanna do?"

: : :

Sullivan had a few spots in Santa Barbara but none he recommended as adamantly as a little burger shack on the beach called Benny's. I'd found myself sitting across from him in a booth, the AC nipping at the exposed skin under my beige short sleeve. "Where are you from?"

He was biting into a burger that he'd recommended but seeing that the meat was onion glazed, I found myself refusing without much fuss. I marked kissing him off a possibility that day and honestly, if I were to not actually fuck him, it seemed only reasonable that I wouldn't kiss him either.

Even though I was sure it wouldn't actually do anything to me, I found that kind of calming.

"Originally, Portland." He answered, wiping his mouth with a napkin, I tried not to pay attention to the way his arm flexed as he sat his elbow on the table.

"Oh what's that like?"

He smiled again and I was starting to realize just how much I liked that smile. "It's cool, I moved to LA a while ago so," His hair was absolutely perfect, that was one thing about him, I mean there were way better qualities but he looked kind of extremely perfect. "I don't really remember anything except there's this annual nude bike ride in the summer?"

And that was funny, he'd been trying to make me laugh all through our little date and somewhat unlike me, I'd been entertaining it. It was going well, at least that's what an outsider would perceive and honestly, I could see why.

A very attractive man sitting across from you making jokes in case you laugh was certainly what I'd call going well and I was laughing.

"What the hell?"

"I know right?" But he was completely serious, hand on his chin and he gazed out the window when he spoke next. "For some reason people in Oregon are like overzealously naked." Peeking over at me, he caught a smile on my face and I didn't think to hide it.

Sullivan was slightly flamboyant but it only spiked in moments where he was deep into a story, that was what I could tell about him so far but he was hard to read.

Paul was an open book, so was everyone else I'd dealt with so far, Sullivan was the only person that I couldn't exactly pinpoint what they were and that was scary. That was enticing but it was also incredibly scary because there was no real way I could tell how this would play out.

But I indulged because the abyss in my stomach had still been unfulfilled and that was still a lingering high, Danny was right, Cannabis butter was fucking me up. "People in Michigan have a strange obsession with drinking in the woods, which I guess isn't as bad but it's more of a hazard. They street race too but..."

"Street race?" He'd asked shoving a few fries in his mouth. He had no hesitancy to eat, that was for sure and it only made me more self concours as I hadn't even finished half of my sandwich. "Have you ever?"

"Do I look like somebody who street races?" Since he could read me so well, I was surprised that he thought I'd ever done anything reckless like that. That was when it really hit, he really didn't know me, he didn't know about my past or my mental shit, he thought I was normal. "I've been to a few, my best friend was really into it in high school."

"Oh? How was high school?"

I could be who I fucking wanted to be without the reality of him already knowing who the fuck I was and that was freeing. "It was... A bunch of people in your business at all times."

Maybe the fact that I had the control over how much he knew made me actually want to open up. "I was... outed my senior year." I could tell him about me because I'd done so before and I wanted to tell him about me because I had the freedom to. "Or, I outed myself." How fucked up was that? That the confidence only existed in moments where he didn't know much? "And then a lot of bad shit happened."

No one had known me in California when I'd gotten there but it took me so fucking long to come to this conclusion. Maybe this was just that momentary epiphany that came with the high, I didn't know but either way, it rang true.

"I'm sorry." He offered and even if it was empty, it was a nice gesture.

Taking another bite, I sat up, "I got it together." Sullivan was cute and he was interested, none of that previous shit mattered, not right now.

"So what do you do, you know besides street racing?"

"I play soccer, that's about it."

He shook his head at that, "That can't be it." And he wasn't prying, he didn't have to, I actually felt comfortable with him. That had to be crazy, it did, it was. Was this how Paul felt with Isaiah? I did all the heavy lifting and Isaiah was reeling the benefits. He was living happily with the love of my life after I'd been through all the trust issues and the lies.

Paul had been able to move on and get a new boyfriend and he could post about him, all the people that knew about us were now so aware of Isaiah so quickly. He trusted Isaiah that fucking much? It took him so long to come out and tell people about me but it was that easy with Isaiah?

It was that easy to get over me? He embarrassed me and then he had the nerve to call me...

To tell me he loved me after starting the drinking all over again?

"I write." And most of my writing was morbid, about lost love and empty promises. It was depressing and hanging onto it was as well, I was sure if I told him it wouldn't end well so I kept it to myself.

This date was going good and I didn't need to mess it up.

"Oh?" He asked then. "What kind of stuff?"

"Anything, really." Shrugging, I picked at the fries on my plate. I write about anything that interesting but maybe that didn't matter, maybe he just wanted to know something about me. "I'm a journalism major so I'm tryna get into that but right now it's mostly poetry and creative writing."

"Like novels?" I nodded again. Unexpectedly, he grinned, finishing off his drink and then he was just leaning there on the table, that cute smirk on his face and there wasn't anything to distract him from watching me eat. He pulled out some gun to chew, offering me a piece and I took that as a sign that he was ready to go. "That's so cool, remind me to ask you to write my dissertation."

"What about you?"

"Well, I'm a CNA." And at my confused look, he elaborated. "I'm a nursing assistant." What I was doing paled in comparison.

"Do you like it?"

But he shrugged and it seemed like he'd shown more interest in my 'career' than he had his own. "It pays the rent," it had to have done more than that, he was doing something important with his life, "but I do see some cool stuff, like the other day this guy came in with a shark tooth wedged in the back of his skull, took three nurses to sedate him."

I tried not to sound like I didn't believe him, I did, but that just sounded like bullshit.

"I also went to Afghanistan." And that was definitely bullshit.

"You're fucking with me."

He let out a laugh then and I found myself laughing too at the simple fact that for a split second that sounded slightly logical.

Leaning in over the table, he locked eyes with me and he was close enough that I could feel minty breath fanning across my nose. And he spoke softly as if it were a secret he was letting me in on. "Of course I am."

He lingered, only leaning back when our waitress stopped by and he sent her a smile as she refilled his glass; I tried to catch my breath. "Being a CNA is literally getting jello for elderly patients and listening to Christina behind the desk complaining about about a seven am call time."

Again, I felt myself laughing. "Both our lives suck."

And he took a sip, eyes swallowing mine and there was a smile on his lips. He was staring at me then, analyzing me and I could tell he was content. "I think mine is sucking a little less these days."

A/N:

been outta town for weeks, finally stopped procrastinating so make sure you vote cause you love me duh.

Updated: Saturday, July 13th.

Favorite television or cinematic pairing? I love Callie and Gael from good trouble.