[Best Friend by Rex County Orange; the waterfall]

TWELVE: when it's all clarity.

Ben wore tube socks. White Nike socks, over tight calves, beaded sweat covered the orangey tones in his skin. Black backpack and basketball shorts on top of compression shorts. He had big brown eyes, and a dimple under the right corner of his lip.

His hair was tightly coiled, sweaty and shining in the sun, his smile was bright and he was scanning the calmness in the trees. Ben was... really fucking cute. All of Jules' friends were.

It was like watching him realize it for himself, I could see it. His eyes fixated on the back of Ben's head when our hike started reaching the hour mark. He didn't mean to, didn't even know he was doing it and I was definitely reading too much into it.

But there was an averted gaze from the back of his head when Ben took a swig of his canteen or that one second where he laughed a little harder than everyone else at some joke.

I'd been with him so long, I knew when he had a crush... he wasn't stranger to falling in love with his friends, either.

I tried not to be jealous.

Ben walked ahead of everyone, Andy and Johnny a step behind and Jules would linger through the group. I'd fall in line with Johnny at some steps during our hike and the slim boy would offer a smile, making small talk.

It was refreshing, really, to be with people that enjoyed this kind of stuff.

Maybe it was Jules' idea to hit the mountains... he'd probably brought that part of L.A. back. I wondered if him and Sullivan did this kind of thing all the time.

Andy's almond eyes were wide, electric almost. A big blue that you could absolutely get lost in.

I watched the way he interacted with his boyfriend, he was touchy, the same way he'd been with Jules that year. He laughed obnoxiously, but his half smile was so awkwardly cute. Andy was such a teen-movie type and I see why Jules still wanted to be his friend past kissing.

Maybe Izzy was right, maybe not everyone fucked their friends. Maybe I needed to relax because we hadn't even gotten to a stopping point yet and I was sure I'd crave a drink soon.

All I knew was if Julian asked me to hike to the moon on a Thursday morning, I would've said yes immediately.

And I had an assignment due on Monday.

But Julian was into it and asked and I said yes, even if I had spent the night over his again and was sure my piece more space. I'd brainstormed line-work again, it juxtaposed the muted tan and mango colors that consumed the canvas. My style was slowly developing into minimalism and I knew that wasn't what Mike pitched when he bigged me up enough to get on Cleo Lavoie's radar.

"Guys, look at that."

Ben's voice was full of awe, and if my calves weren't burning so bad, maybe I would've rushed up the remainder of the mountain the way the other guys did.

And as they ran up, Jules' laugh was insane and I watched in absolute awe. "Whoa—"

"Waterfall!" That was Johnny, stripping off his backpack and grabbing his boyfriend's hand. "Drew c'mon." He was running down to the bank of the water then as I made my way up.

And I watched Andy and him pretty much glide down. Why I went out with a bunch of soccer players was beyond me but here I was.

Jules was leaning onto Ben, the aforementioned boy threw an arm 'round him. And if I wasn't so sure Ben was straight, I would've been seething with jealousy. "You're feeling better now, huh?"

"Yeah."

"See, you just needed some sun." Ben smiled, and he was pushing Jules' hair out of his eyes. I remembered a similar instance he'd had with Giselle, and my heart had confused the affection, tightening in my chest.

Was this how Jules felt when he saw Brandon and I? Cause I might've owed him an apology if it felt this bad.

Trying to ease my way down the dirt path they'd forged, I caught sight of the waterfall.

And Jules was turning to look at me, bottom lip in his mouth. He was giggling when I almost fell, the smile being enough to confuse my feet and I was trying to slow down speed when I started almost sliding down the way they all did before me.

"Woahhh." That was the boys catching me, righting me when I'd gotten to them and Jules' hand was on my waist.

Even when I was safely standing, he didn't move. He just locked eyes with me.

And he pressed our fingers together in offering.

Almost as if the mountain had melted away, we stared at each other and there was a giddiness that resonated in foresty green eyes. Ben eased down now, kicking speed up to a run when he'd gotten on flat ground. And he was throwing his bag down, he was kicking his shoes off and, fully-clothed, cannonballing.

Andy laughed, it loud again and he was scooping Johnny up, tossing him in despite the younger boys' squeal and throwing himself in after.

Jules turned away from me just in time to see it all and he was lacing his fingers in mine, tugging me behind him as he jetted down. Andy was kissing Johnny so gently, his hands pressed to high cheekbones.

It made my heart swell.

Ben was popping up out the water, spitting like a fountain and he was swimming to the waterfall just as we reached them. Michigan did have the most breathtaking waterfalls, I committed it to memory and Jules was just as in awe.

He's tugging his pants down now, under are some deep blue swim trunks. "You brought trunks."

"I've been here a few times." He laughs.

"And you didn't tell me to bring trunks?"

"You can swim in your boxers," he shrugs. He knows how funny the thought is almost, like I wasn't wearing briefs. "it's not like I haven't seen it before."

"Well, yeah but it's-it's different now."

"I won't look." He shrugs.

"I don't mind you looking."

Jules is laughing, that big beautiful bellow and then he's leaning down to grab at his backpack, unzipping, tossing some bright orange swim trunks at me. "Don't start things you can't finish."

I'd kiss you if I could.

"Guys! Isn't this just the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"

"Not even close." Andy answered. His eyes were still on Johnny, smile on his pretty face and I wondered if that's how we had looked before.

Johnny didn't like the attention, or maybe he did because he was rolling big, brown eyes. He was backing up, palms to the water and splashing Andy. "Drew. Stop being such a cheese-ball."

"It's not my fault you're beautiful, Doll."

My heart dropped.

Jules had let go of me by then, was too busy untying his shoes and then tugging his shirt over his head. He took down that bun and shook his hair out, it falling over his shoulders and shining in the light.

I would've reacted, I should've reacted.

But that pet-name was playing over and over in my head now and I couldn't shut it off. I couldn't stop remembering the way he said it, bile rose in my throat. My breath caught on the end of a gasp, arms automatically curling around myself and I shrunk. I tried not to cry, I really tried not to.

And I regretted being there for the first time. Jules was turning back to me.

At the look in my eyes, probably the emptiness... his brows knitted together. And my love was offering a soft smile, he was walking closer, catching my eyes in his.

"Hey." It was soft, so full of confusion and open to conversation and Julian's hand was under my chin when I tried to look away. He was shaking his head, concerned when I tried to step back.  "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

The dismissal must've been offensive. The way he reacted, maybe it felt old at this point but he just shrugged. "Doesn't seem like nothing."

"I'm not- I'm okay, okay? Please." How long did I have to avoid these conversations for him to understand that I just wasn't going to talk about it?

And he was nodding.

He'd caved so quickly, as if he didn't want to ruin the hike and he was stepping back. Thinking for a second, he smiled at me, it held so much support. It aided in calming me down, he was nodding again and he was kissing my forehead.

"Are you enjoying yourself, at least?"

And, I mean, could you say that? "Yeah." It wasn't too bad, I mean I still had goosebumps and my calves were on fire but he just looked so happy I didn't wanna ruin it.

I couldn't help it, my heart was beating 100 miles a minute. I wished he had kissed my lips instead.

"That's good." He nodded. "We can get in the water, it'll make you feel better."

"I'll join you in a sec."

"No..." He backtracked. "No, it's okay, we can- here..." he was dusting off a rock like that was gonna help and I had to stifle a chuckle. He smiled, "sit, we can sit and you can tell me about your exhibit." He seemed so excited for me all of a sudden. "That's soon, right?"

"You don't have to—"

Jules frowned. "I want to."

"I can't wait to see your work in an actual museum, Pabs." Fuck. "Sorry."

It was so hard not to kiss him then.

"It's on the 15?"

"The 25th." Having him there sounded nice in theory, it really did. "But you don't..."

"We're all coming." He interjected and then in a louder voice: "Guys! Picasso's show is on the 25th."

"What show?" Andy.

"The art show?" Ben.

"You have a show?" Johnny's eyes were so wide and he was looking at me. "You're like the real deal."

"It's not, like, anything huge. It's a gallery opening."

Ben laughed. "That sounds pretty huge."

"No, like, really." He laughed and then it seemed to hit him. His mouth dropped open and in the most serious way possible, he pointed at me in accusation. "Picasso!"

It went silent. And then Ben: "That's why Lee calls you that!"

: : :

"Yo, get off your phone." That was Ben.

"It's Johnny."

"You know I love JC, like president of the JC fan-club- like I would lay my life on the line for that lil guy... but boys, this is the first time we're all single at the same time." He was throwing his arms around his two best friends and as if realizing he didn't have enough arms for me, he tried to stretch further. Jules wrapped his arm around me. "It's boys night."

"Johnny's a boy." Andy reminded, crouching from under Ben's hold. The aforementioned boy was shrinking back and then squeezing between me and Jules.

His arm replaced Julian's.

"You know what I mean." And Andy probably didn't, his eyes were fixated on his phone and we'd just left some burger spot, Johnny leaving early cause of band practice, I mean how cute was that? I understood the obsession. Ben didn't. "You're so obsessed with being in a relationship that you don't enjoy the simple pleasures of life."

"What? Like getting Chlamydia in the bathroom at a Paramore concert?"

Oh my-- "Dude, you said you wouldn't talk about that."

"Paramore?" Jules had stopped walking, planted his feet on the sidewalk and he was looking over at his best friend in disbelief.

"Me and all my homies love Paramore."

"It is a universal fact that all black people love Paramore." I'd honestly forgotten Willa was there, she'd met us at the burger joint, apparently debate ran long and she still had a paper to write so we were definitely walking her to her car.

She was ducking under Jules' other arm, between him and Ben and she was smiling over at her brother. "Ain't it Fun? Top tier."

Ben nodded, swinging his arm over his little sister's shoulder and Andy turned around in front of us, walking backwards. Ben nodded. "Misery Business? A fuckin' banger."

"I should be over all the butterfliiiiieessss. But I'm intooo youuu."

Hey baby, even on my worst nights, I'm into you.

"Yeah?" Andy asked, as if he was making sure this was the vibe they were really on. When they nodded, he nodded too. "Yeah, okay." And he was turning his speaker back on, putting it back in his duffle and selecting a song.

Misery Business was playing loudly, and there were eyes on us. I could feel the two bystanders on the street turn. And Jules was blushing, hard.

A few moments passed, Will around over Jules' chest at me and offered a smile. "So, how does it feel to be a big shot?" She asked. "I mean, no joke, you been something for a long time but isn't a show what you been working on for a while?"

"Yeah." And Andy was typing something again, motioning Ben over as their steps kind of synced up and I tried not to sound too humble. Carlos said I did that, so did Izzy... "Yeah, I mean, it doesn't feel real. I'm- I'm nervous about it but- I-I feel... like I'm ready, kinda. Like it's just all happening at once, so."

"Yo, this is dope!" That was Ben, he was turning his phone to us, a picture of me and two other artists in front of the museum. It was candid, we were lain out in the grass, I remembered that moment. I remembered that moment of pure contentment, how me, Carlos and Tanya had found a moment in the chaos to sit and really take in that all our dreams were coming true.

Embarrassment rose, my throat closed, I tried to forget the hours after when we all hit a bar, sobriety a long-lost friend and Carlos' hands had found mine, twined under the table. He looked at me like I'd fallen out of the sky, asking me questions and hanging onto my eyes word.

Minty breath had fanned my nose, his fingertips followed. He had my eyelash on the tip of his finger and I blew it off. I remembered the look in his eyes then and tried to forget the way he'd kissed me.

How it felt.

And this was wrong, thinking of the time I'd spent with him while Jules had his arm around me. I felt awful.

"The page has 12 million followers, you're definitely blowing up after this."

Andy smiled and said the one thing that snapped me back. "Isn't that Carlos?"

And Jules was looking over at me when my brows furrowed. I was questioning Andy. "You know Carlos?"

"Yeah, he -uh- he goes to State." He answered but the way he looked over at Jules said everything. Fuck.

"Why'd you say it like that?" And my eyes had locked with Jules' big green, guilty ones. "You know Carlos?"

He shrugged it off, and when I thought he'd answer, I was met with silence. Silence until everyone else had been wrapped up in their own conversation and I knew I should've been suspicious but truly, all I could feel was fear. It took so long to get him back, I couldn't lose him over this.

: : :

"Jade." The look on Julian's face was mortified. I'd actually never seen him so embarrassed and that was saying a lot.

His tone was aggressive, rightfully so. It was filled with anger, it radiating off of him and lingering between us on this two-seater. His thigh was pressed to mine and really, that was the only thing I could focus on. Sorry Jade.

She raised her hands in defeat, Caspar stumbling back through from the kitchen, arms stacked high and crossed over, holding chips like he'd secured a bounty. He balanced Jade's hydro-flask on his pinky.

And his eyes were wide when we'd all looked over at him. His brows raising, he spoke through the pop-tart in his mouth. "What?"

Jade giggled, standing to help him. She grabbed for the snacks and set them down on the table, plucking off half his poptart and offering him a kiss. They really were the perfect team.

If the conversation wasn't so sour I was sure Jules would be smiling. Still, he looked unhappy, I couldn't help the smile on my face.

"Nothing, Cassie." It was gentle, the way they spoke to each other. I was sure that underneath all of this... Jules was happy for her.

That didn't stop the annoyance in his tone, "It's not nothing."

Really, it was but given the circumstances, his anger was justified. Still, Ben's: "Dude, your sister gets freaky, get over it." wasn't what he needed to hear after realizing that his little sister wasn't exactly the Virgin Mary.

"Okay, what's Will doing, then, Ben."

"Tryna be the frickin' President, I don't know." Andy laughed, nodding in so much agreement. "And I definitely don't care about whatever her and little Paul have going on." Jesus. "She's smart enough to make her own decisions."

"That is literally the most adult thing I have ever heard you say."

And really, I'd known Ben for years now, there was no way that was all he had to say on the matter. "Your little bro gets my sister pregnant and derails her plight to free niggas from shackles for gas? It's a different story." He continued and he was looking dead at me, it was almost like I was the one sleeping with his sister. "Me and you, one-on-one, cage match, Martinez. There's no other way."

"These two? They been together for longer than I've known you." He pointed at Jules, "That's like, what? four years?"

"Almost five." Jade corrected.

"Damn, y'all married, you didn't even wanna look at the other options?" I tried not to laugh. "You saw his depression hair and big teeth and thought, this is it?"

"Dude-" that was Caspar now, his eyes whipping over to meet Ben's and the look on his face said it all.

"We won't apologize for telling the truth." Andy defended at Caspar's accusatory glare. "You do have big teeth." Jade's hands were still up, eyes pointed at Andy and she rolled them when the glare intensified.

"I heard that's not the only thing that's big." Ben offered after a bought of silence and I tried not to burst into laughter at the pride on Caspar's face.

Jade tucked her lips into her mouth.

And Julian definitely hated this conversation. "Can we not?"

"Jules, I'm literally 18."

"You're seventeen." He corrected. And he was right, the year had flown by but it definitely hadn't been a year since her birthday... and the events that occurred that night.

It still played out in my dreams, gave me goosebumps.

I missed the feeling of his skin. My hand was cold without his. I brushed my knuckles against his in wanting.

"You we're fucking at seventeeen." She shrugged.

"I was not."

"Come on... Andy? Paul?" Andy? "You lived with him!"

Andy's eyes blew wide and I tasted jealousy. I tried not to. I really, really tried not to. "Don't put me in this."

"Andy and I have never fucked, how would he know?"

"You did other things."

"How about we stop spreading false narratives before Paul fucks me up?" It was incredulous, the way Andy asked, his eyes darting to mine as if to assure me that he never touched Julian. "We barely even kissed."

It was just a kiss.

Jade was laughing then, like his fright truly did not matter to her and I'd never felt more in sync with his sister than I did right then. "Then stop spreading false narratives about me! Cas and I do. not. fuck."

"Tell the whole world, why don't you?"

She was looking over at her boyfriend then, rolling her eyes and placing a kiss on his cheek. Dropping her weight back into the couch, she curled into his side. "I love you." And Jules was lacing his fingers through mine then.

"You better." Caspar answered back, kissing the top of her head and he whispered something into her ear.

Turning back to the group, he pointed at Andy. "And you."

The boy's eyes blew wide again. "I don't wanna see that look... I literally have to hear about gay shit all the time. The other day, you went on for an hour, an hour about you and Johnny—"

Ben laughed, interjecting. "To be fair, getting caught in the treehouse was funny. Like, comedic gold."

"—so excuse me for being heterosexual and—"

"Virginal?"

Caspar stood. "We're done talking about my sex life—"

"What sex life?"

"We do other stuff—"

"Cas!" That was Jade yanking him down, hand clasped firmly over his mouth.

Andy choked. "Dude!"

"That's his sister!"

"There are other ways to have a sex life without—"

"Paul!"

"Dude!"

"What?" I wasn't sure why I started but mid-way it really started to feel like I needed to get it out. "Who's to say you're not sexually active because you're not actively engaging in penetrative sex?"

I tried to stop myself, at least, I almost wanted to when I saw Jules' unimpressed look. Still, I continued, "That mindset is so heteronormative and it invalidates a whole bunch of lesbians, a-and trans-people from being innately sexual and to say that you're not being sexual because you're not crossing that line? To enforce that idea, th-that patriarchal and quite literally archaic idea, i-it adds a lot of shame where it shouldn't be."

And Rilee had been big about this, about making sure that people with vaginas who liked people with vaginas weren't left out of the conversation. Sexual health was for everyone. "There are plenty of ways to engage in... intimacy without penetrative sex—"

"Oh my god." Jules' head was in his hands now and I watched Jade shoot up from the couch, her boyfriend in tow, Twinkie half-stuffed in his mouth.

"We're leaving!"

In the silence of the front door slamming behind them, Andy burst into laughter. "Paul, what the fuck?"

"They shouldn't be ashamed."

And Jules was looking at me with such an incredulous look, I wondered if I'd grown three heads. "They should! They should feel shame!" He was loud, and really it was so funny, I could've laughed in his face. I swear, I saw smoke coming out of his ears.

I was brushing imaginary dust off his shoulder as if to relieve stress and he'd relaxed into my touch enough. He was leaning back now, head on my shoulder and body pressed to my chest and in this loveseat, we looked like lovers again.

I didn't wanna mention it, didn't want anyone else to just in case he'd decide it was too much so instead, I wrapped an arm around him. "When did Caspar get so bold?"

"No clue." Andy shrugged at my question, the rest of the guys didn't seem to have an answer to that either. "I heard he's taking classes at Washentaw now, probably made him more social."

Jules seemed to shake off the disgust he had cause he was picking up a controller, tossing the other one to Ben who caught it without looking.

"We should go out tonight." That was Andy.

"I'm down. Can we go somewhere with girls this time, though?"

: : :

A few games later, Jules and I were in the kitchen. Ben's continuous cries of victory echoed through the foyer. Julian was making a sandwich, slathering mayo onto both slices of bread before his mustard.

And I tried not to sound too petty when I brought up what I needed to. "Carlos."

He spoke before I could continue. "Don't make it a thing, Pabs."

He was assembling his sandwich, cutting it into triangles, placing one half on another plate with a handful of chips and he was pushing it towards me in offering.

I gave it a second, tried to be calculated when my bones were screaming. I wondered if Carlos knew I knew Jules, but then again, how would he? "I just wanna know how you know him."

And he was avoiding the question, opening his sandwich and placing chips inside. He packed it together before taking a bite and looked over at me. "Is it too much mayo?"

"Jules."

He sighed. "We made out, at Ben's housewarming." And he was shrugging and now it really felt like Carlos knew he was my ex. "Apparently he was Andy's soccer captain in middle school or something. It really isn't a thing."

"Yeah."

"Its not." he laughed, it breathless, nervous. "W-we barely spoke. I-"

"I'm not exactly fit to judge you, Jules."

"I don't want you to think it was something that it wasn't, I-"

"I know Carlos, he's a type. You don't have to explain."

"... How do you know him?"

Stupid. "We're in the showcase together."

"Besides that." Was I that obvious?

"Uh, we were in the same class." And I was taking a bite of my sandwich, chewing slow when his brow raised. A second later, I tried to clean it up. "We were friends, kinda."

"Oh." He smiled. "Thought you were gonna say you dated him."

And I was lying to him, I could feel it, it was my instinct to. Brutal honesty, always, that was what we agreed on. "I hooked up with him." I admitted. "A few weeks ago."

"Oh."

"It was before you came back." He had to know that it wouldn't have happened any other way. "I-I didn't think you would."

"I know." He smiled, it soft. "It's okay." And fuck, I tried to ignore the way his voice shook, just slightly. He shrugged, "At least we both have taste."

"I don't want us to have secrets anymore." I tried to explain but he seemed a little done with the conversation. And he was biting into his sandwich again, wiping the mayo out the corner of his mouth. Definitely too much mayo.

"Me neither." He answered and it was silent again.

We ate in silence, him kicking my feet under the table and when we were finished, he took my plate. He was washing them then, and I tried to avoid admiring him but something in me was remembering fondly those late nights.

Him coming home after a shift to me cooking, he'd place a kiss on my lips and sit on the counter, I'd be almost done. We'd sit down in front of the TV, full-bellies and full-smiles, he'd kiss my forehead.

Jules would only let go of me when the plates on the coffee table started to bother him and he would stand, stepping away only to wash the dishes and return back with a kiss as a reward.

He was trying to catch my eyes now, I wondered how often I'd doze off into daydreams of him. He tilted his head, leant back on the sink and I tried not to fall to my knees when I stood.

Maybe I was inching too close because he was gnawing on his bottom lip now.

"You're really okay if we go to a bar, 'cause, we don't have to." He offered, and he worried too often. "It's just, it's Ben's stupid idea and I haven't told him so--"

"It's okay." And after all this time... I'm still into you.

              "While we're being honest though..." and it sounded too serious, it almost scared me but I was working on trying to trust someone so much again.

               "Okay, yeah, go ahead."

                And as notorious he was for bad timing, I didn't expect his next words.

"I invited Wren to your show, I hope that's okay."

What?

I paused. Wasn't sure if he was trying to make me jealous but confusion bloomed more.

Silence was deafening then and Jules was nibbling at his bottom lip. I laughed, couldn't help it, what even was that?

"... You invited him to Chicago too?"

His eyes blew wide at that question, almost like he didn't think I'd ask. Really, that was the problem, the idea that he'd invite Wren to come to Chicago like it wasn't completely inappropriate. "No. He's just, he's visiting around the same time."

So instead of spending my show with me, you're planning to spend it with Wren?

"He's coming to see you, Jules." He's a tiny little twink that had a taste of my guy and thought he could come steal him away under the guise of being interested in art. Fuck that.

"Not exactly." Jules went to clarify further, maybe it showed on my face. "He's staying with Ben and I for a few days during break."

               "So, he's staying with you."

"Not exactly."

"You just said-"

"He's staying for-for like a day or two." Jules sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second. "His parents live in Rockford, and i-it's not that good for him there, so he was gonna fly in for a week and then if it got bad, I said the door was open."

And you think it's actually gonna pan out that way?

"You're inviting other guys to stay with you." And we weren't exclusive in this little game we'd been playing but there wasn't a chance he didn't predict my jealousy. "Is that for a reason?"

                        "I can't have friends?"

                      "Friends that you fucked... when we broke up?"

                       "You can trust me."

"And he asked if he could come to my show?" He nodded. "And you said yes?"

Jules frowned and so suddenly I forgot my anger. So suddenly, all I wanted was to make him happy. "I didn't think it would be a problem."

You've fucked him. "He's in love with you."

"He's not."

He's delusional. "So he lives in California and is coming all the way to Chicago for my show? Not cause you guys used to date."

Julian's eye roll felt personal. "We didn't used to date."

"Used to hookup."

                  "We're friends." He frowned. "Honest. Wren doesn't, he doesn't like me like that."

                  "So you like him."

                  Jules' look then was so full of confusion, like he wasn't sure where I would get that from. "Papi." And he hadn't called me that in so long, I forgot what it felt like.

Mi Amor.

My Love.

Pabs.

Pablo.

Baby.

Nothing hit me like: "Papi, I'm not trying to upset you..."

                 That, paired with those big, emerald eyes... it made my knees weak. He was holding my hand now, brushing his thumb over my knuckles and he was pulling my hand up to kiss me.

                 "He's one of the few friends I made in Cali, and he's gonna be in town. I thought you could meet him." He explained.

                  "It's nothing more than that." Then he seemed to realize something, looking at me. He softened,  he shook his head then he looked at me with those eyes. A little green gem sparkled behind doe-like lids. "I-I didn't realize how it would sound, but you have nothing to worry about."

                    Geminis were so alluring. They could charm you into absolutely anything.

                    He could suck the wind out of me with just a look. And he was biting his bottom lip before I noticed, looking down at his lap and grabbing for his phone.

"I can tell him no," and he was pulling up Wren's text thread, understanding on his face and how could I be mad at that?

                      "I trust you."

                      He nodded. "But I should've asked you."

                     I'd bring him the moon if he asked. That stare had my heart playing all-brass symphonies behind my chest. "We can talk about it then."

: : :

He kissed me first.

That was something that could've gotten lost in translation when hands were all over the place but he kissed me first. And, fuck, I was glad he did cause if we would've stood next to each other for another minute, I would've broken all my promises.

He tasted like cheap beer.

Like the pilsner that he had swallowed down minutes before this little game we play. He tasted like the two he had before that, the yell he let out at this sports' bar that Benji had dragged us to, the smile when the Celtics hit yet another three.

I was obsessed with the way he smiled, the look he'd given me when he laced his fingers in mine and something that should've sent me into a craving, the taste on his tongue, it only pushed me towards him. A few years prior, Hell, a month prior... I would've pushed him off.

I would've licked my lips, spit soaked and yearning and I would've brushed past him on my way to the bar. Sober me was kinder than I gave him credit for, because when I succumbed to the urge, alcohol would become the most important thing.

Not even Jules could've changed it back then, he probably wouldn't have even tried.

But he had a firm grip on my hips, he had me pressed against the brick wall, my head against some flyer for study lessons, we were in college-town again, and he was kissing me so intensely like he could read my mind. I wished he would never let go.

          Just kissing.

That was something we'd been doing for two months now, lip-locking and dry-humping that led absolutely nowhere.

He would push me off when it got too much, he would wipe the corner of his lips, pressing into that sexy smile of his, he would call me dangerous and spark up.

It was driving me insane.

Julian didn't seem to mind, I was sure he was more interested in the chase. In the wanting, he liked the idea of getting me riled up, the ego boost was more than enough.

And I wanted him so bad.

But he was tilting my head back in some bar, both hands pressed to my chin, caressing my tongue with his, he was cradling the back of my head in both hands. This was too loving for my heart, I knew it, his hands were tugging my hair and it was taking everything in me not to drop to my knees.

"You are so sexy." It was raspy and full of promise— I knew he wouldn't deliver.

We made a pact somewhere around the second time I found myself in his bed again with no pretense— no sex until we knew we could both handle it. Sometimes, I hated how noble he was.

Because he could handle it, that much was sure, he was healing in ways I never really saw before, and it was so beautiful to watch. It was only assumed he was waiting on me and the only way I could prove that I was healing as well, it would be through my sobriety. He wouldn't touch me otherwise; AA meetings and him.

Maybe that wasn't the way to motivate myself but I'd been sober for 30 days. We'd gone out to celebrate, wasn't that weird? Celebrating my sobriety by watching everyone else get drunk?

Jules wasn't though, he sipped slowly on a lite beer, me a Heineken Zero, and he stayed by me while the guys drank.

We were in some games bar, and Julian had looked over at me amid shuffleboard with Benji, he laced fingers with mine after throwing the game.

And there was sex in his eyes.

He was kissing my neck now, hands everywhere, they ended up under my shirt and raking short nails up my back. It was all too much, again. He had kissed me, again.

Again and again and he was staring back at me, watching the way I shook in his embrace. He was licking a fire back into my throat and holding me so tightly, a hand on my lower back, fingers dipping into the back of my pants.

And I was grabbing for his belt.

"Fuck."

He pushed himself off abruptly, it quicker than he'd probably intended and he was backing up again, hands on my chest and big, big, green eyes wide, dilated. He wasn't drunk, that much was obvious, buzzed yeah and I would stop if he asked me to.

But hell, I was hoping he wouldn't.

He looked lost, at least like he didn't know what to say but his hands were still on my hips and he was looking at my lips, some old Maroon 5 song was playing lightly on the speaker.

And it felt like we were where we needed to be.

All I want is just you and me always
Give me affection, I need your perfection
'Cause you feel so good, you make me... stutter

"Just let me suck you off." I laughed, maybe it was courage... or my adolescent crush on Adam Levine, or maybe it was the way he looked so fucked out just from our kiss. I could handle that if he let me.

"W-We're not supposed to be-"

"What?" I tried. "Enjoying each other's company?"

"Touching."

"I won't touch you if you don't want me to." And he knew that, it was obvious in his eye roll. He was smiling small. "But it's okay if you want me to."

There was a grin hidden in his pout and I tried not to kiss it off. He closed his eyes, as if not seeing me would make it better. "I want you to— we just, we just got cool again. I missed you and I-I don't want this to be too much for us."

"I can handle you." That, I knew for a fact. "I can take care of you."

I wanted him so bad, and he deserved it. He deserved to have someone on their knees for him right now, he'd done so well with therapy and everything... and he just looked too fucking good. He deserved it whenever he needed, whenever he wanted.

His beard was growing out, mostly stubbly but it pushed up against his cheekbones and he'd been eating more and more these days, fuck, was that sexy. His body was fuller, arms nearing huge, part of me wanted them wrapped around my neck as he drilled into me.

All of me.

Julian was letting me tug at his belt, somehow he was pressed to the wall now, leaning back and his eyes were glued to me.

He bit his lip, and I was kissing him again, a soft sound emitting from those kiss-bitten lips. I'd gotten his belt loose and my hand was in his pants in seconds. I could feel how heavy it was.

"You deserve to feel good, baby. Let me do that for you."

"Pablo." The way he said my name.

I kissed down his neck, eyes peering up at him, watching the way he breathed, making sure it felt good. Tugging gently, I watched it when his lids went low.

And he was smiling at me in disbelief, he was licking those perfect lips. He was pressing into my hand and I could feel him at full mass.

I sucked a mark onto his chest, the way I'd wanted to all night. The scent of his cologne intoxicated me. His shirt was half-buttoned, a Vivienne Westwood  and perfect body. Diablo— I was close to sinking to my knees when he laced fingers through my hair again.

"You're so sexy." That was all I could get out, and maybe this was the worst place to do this but I couldn't even feel shame.

He was tugging me up to meet his eyes and he was kissing me so aggressively.

He was biting my lip, he was pushing a hand against my chest again and he was walking past me to the sink.

fuck.

Our eyes met through the glass, breathing heavy, and clothes all disheveled. He raked a hand through his hair, his shirt raising and he smiled when he caught he staring. I coughed, and could see the blush before I looked away. My eyes centered on some graffiti and I tried to catch my breath again.

I tried not to be embarrassed at the rejection.

He was turning on the faucet and splashing water into his face, taking his hair out of that bun and I couldn't help but watch it fall over his shoulders. I wanted to touch him.

                 In any way really, I just wanted his hands on me.

                 I fought the urge to brush my fingers over his shoulder, to think of nights spent behind him, hands pressed into his skin, soft and keen and so... pliable. The sounds he made, his voice breaking in half, it wet and full and spilling over, cries pressed into a pillow. I couldn't stop staring at him.

                 Committing to memory, the dream I went searching for at night.

                 And he was so close.

                Sweat shone over exposed forearms. How could he expect me to pay any attention to anything had to say? How, when he was so... perfect?

                 "This isn't a good idea."

It wasn't. "Why not?"

"We're in a greasy club bathroom."

"We came together."

He laughed, it short, and he was pulling out a paper towel, patting it against his skin and then wiping his hands dry. He was shaking his head, looking up at me through that mirror and his eyes were wicked, "I don't wanna stop." It hung in the air, I felt fire.

And my hands were on him again. I was touching his waist, sliding my hands down to his hips, holding him there.

He leant back into me, eyes trained on mine so intensely. "Don't then." I wasn't sure if he felt like he needed permission but I gave it anyways.

The game was over, I wasn't sure I ever really wanted to play in the first place. "You are so beautiful. You have the prettiest eyes." I tried. You're the love of my life. And he was blushing then, I could feel it against my cheek. Gorgeous.

His skin was soft, that woodsy smell still so intoxicating. I tried not to kiss his neck, I really did. His head lulled back onto my shoulder, a soft sigh and he was moaning.

I felt it when his knees buckled and he gripped the sink. "We shouldn't forget where we are."

"I'm with you, where I'd like to be."

"Baby..." Maybe he felt like that was too sentimental or maybe he worried for me. He was turning to look at me and all I saw was concern. "Hooking up is- fuck... it's not a good—" I was kissing his neck now, had been for a few minutes, "we should... we should just wait a while, f-few weeks or so—"

What would be the fun in that? "...Do you want to?"

He was turning around to look at me again and fuck, was that almost the breaking point. "It's not about that, Pabs." It was breathless when my crotch was pressed to his and I just wanted to bend him over this sink. "Pablo."

I wanted him and he was still playing this fucking game. "Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me." It was heavy, it was harsh, Jules loved to be handled that way. "But that?" I yanked him back into me, body pressed against body, sex on sex... he needed to feel what he was doing to me.

I felt like I wouldn't make it if he said it again. He knew what saying my name like that meant. "Calling me that?" And his breathing labored at the way I looked at him, head tilted, daring him to do it again.

"You call me what my mother calls me, and you think that's gonna make me think straight?" I laughed, it heavy. "You're everything I want."

                   "Until I'm too much, again."

                   And he'd gotten so much better at telling me that but I could see him shutting down. Through the joking manner, there was sincerity.  "Not possible."

                   It was silent for a second, he seemed to process it. Then he was kissing me again, arms tossed around my neck so carelessly. He had a penchant for tugging whatever hair he could grab and weakening at the knees. There was always a beat...

                   Always a moment in when he sank into me, when he forgot and he kissed me like it was the last kiss we'd share.

                  I could feel him pressed into me, all of him. I found his throat in seconds, his head lulling in my hands and eyes so bright, so green. He had a dopey smile on his face, and I pressed his chin up so he could see the sincerity in my eyes.

                 "I'm yours. You are it for me, got that?"
"I need you." As if he didn't already know.

"You have me."

"Jules—"

"You have me."

"Say it again."

There was love in his eyes. "Pabs."

"Angel."

"Papi..." it slid off his tongue, warm and sweet like honey.

"I'm yours.
                                             Please."

"Mm-mm." He wanted to play games that I could win. Kissing the bridge of his nose, I stepped back, the look on his face... the white-knuckled grip on the sink. "We should get back."

"You're so unfair."

Kiss. "Ben's looking for us."

: : :

A/N:

thank sabrina carpenter, my ex, and the fact that my birthday is in a week.

Btw I also just read somewhere that the polar ice caps melting are the reason for all of these ancient diseases being released back into society and honestly, it sounds like we're in hell. READ WHILE YOU CAN ANGELS.

On another hand, I've been through three jobs and a break up since my last update, how are you guys?

Updated: Thurs. August 11th, 2022.

What is something that you hope to accomplish by the end of 2022?

Do we have time for another plot line? You don't have to answer this... Tyler is gonna make time. Until next time xx