[Paul; Congratulations by Mac Miller ft Bilal]

THREE: when you catch up.

With my surprise arrival, Jade had gotten the whole gang back together.

At least, she'd gotten those who were close enough to come and even with the subtraction of Benji, it almost felt okay. She made me get into the car as soon as possible and told me to go to the pizza joint, her voice way too energetic for the occasion.

My life hadn't felt so teen movie in a while so I found myself smiling, this place only held good memories. Michigan wasn't amazing, Brighton was where most of my pain had started but this little pizza joint wasn't all that bad. And it was great, pulling into the parking lot and watching Caspar fumble out of the car, bright smile on his face and he looked so much older, so much more put together.

Maybe when they'd gotten clean, they did it together but he looked happier, he looked so much more full-of-life when he'd hugged me, backing away to twine an arm around my sister and kiss her forehead. Next was Will and Pete, a blush on his cheeks, I was sure they'd been on him the entire ride and even if seeing him had made my throat close up, I was happy. He'd hugged me too, pulling me close and after coming out, he had been my first real friend, he was the first person who'd shown me any compassion. I couldn't let what Paul and I went through dictate Pete and I's friendship.

Andy and Johnny were next, it almost felt a bit surreal to see them together as they were barely public when I'd left. Before, their relationship consisted of gentle touches and private make-outs... it consisted of Andy claiming that there was too big of an age gap, of him not wanting to go for something he wanted because he was sure it would blow up in his face. Now, he had his fingers intertwined with brown ones, a smile on his face as the curly haired boy had greeted me, Johnathan Casey was older and he was Andrew Baker's boyfriend of a year now.

It felt so freeing to be here with them, so good and I hadn't felt that sane in a while. I hadn't felt so happy in so long, it was strange, like we'd gone back in time, like nothing had changed even though so many things, so many things were just different now.

But happiness never lasted for me, that tustve been why I wasn't that surprised when Jade had pulled me away, her mouth in a straight line. "Please don't get mad at me." Her eyes were on mine and I wasn't quite sure what she was referring to. Not when she'd said it and not even when we'd all decided to go in. I didn't see him until she'd navigated us to a table and the only one who hadn't looked uncomfortable was his brother. Paul's smile was small and he was twirling a straw in his water, eyes widening when he'd seen me. And then he stood.

: : :

My hands had started to shake a minute into sitting down and after everyone except had said their hellos. My stomach was churning with that same feeling I'd gotten every time I so much was thought of him but with him actually here, my heart had caught in my throat. It didn't feel real, none of it did not even as I stood again. The conversation that had ensued abruptly ended, everyone looking at me and I found myself curling my fingers around Jade's wrist and yanking her away. The look in Paul's eyes told me that he could tell how uncomfortable I was and he wasn't the least surprised. I was going to cry, I could feel my own body shaking and this time, I couldn't contain it, I couldn't push it away, I was crying then. We'd exited through the front door, pausing at the side, no one around and I couldn't get Paul off my mind.

He'd grown so much, not just mentally but physically. Paul's entire body was more defined. He'd been working out a bit recently, I could tell, and his hair was shorter than the last time I'd seen him. I wasn't sure when he'd started wearing more fitted clothing but not-so shockingly, it did him good. He looked amazing, he always did and just seeing him there in a fitted short-sleeve that he filled out so nicely, my chest ached. His map tattoo had now extended up his arm and disappeared into the fabric of his white-tee, I wondered if it connected over his shoulder-blade into the bamboo tattoo like he'd wanted before.

Or if he'd gotten that tattoo removed because it felt too reminiscent. I wondered if at some parts of the night, he could almost feel my fingers gliding across it, like I'd always find myself when we'd reunited on breaks.

"Why's he here?" My words were rushed, even if they were quiet. I didn't think I could handle being in the same room as him, not yet, but somehow I was supposed to be over nearly two years in only five months. I didn't think I could get over Paul, not ever, and he was just sitting there with that soft smile on his face as if it wasn't awkward the last time we'd seen each other.

I broke his heart and he still wanted to see me.

Jade looked guilty, only slightly though, she'd known what she was doing. Jade knew that I wouldn't be able to see him and she knew that she really shouldn't have invited him because now it was awkward. "Because he wanted to come?" That sounded like a lie, why would Paul have wanted to come? He was so upset at seeing me that he'd literally run away from brunch on Christmas Eve. "Honestly, I didn't think he'd show, he didn't respond to my text."

"Why would you invite him?" All I could think about when I saw him was the breakup: him crying as he ended things, promising that this was for the best. But how was it for the best when my heart still hadn't stopped hurting? Taking a shaky breath, I tried not to recall it again.

Jade didn't stop to take into consideration just how much this hurt, was this some sort of revenge for something I'd done to her? Was she trying to hurt me? Every logical thought had fled my mind and I was stuck in my revolving door of self-pity and pain, "because he misses you." She'd spoken up and that sounded like bullshit. At my eye roll, my sister had smacked her teeth, that action exposed the fresh frenulum piercing under her top lip, "and you miss him."

My sister was seventeen now and since turning seventeen only two days prior to my arrival, she'd surely been acting more mature. That and she'd been giving me unsolicited advice on my relationships as if her being the same age I was when I met Paul suddenly meant something. I wanted to acknowledge that just because her and Caspar were better didn't mean that she could fix this. She thought understood everything about us.

But she didn't, she didn't know anything about us and it was annoying me that she didn't seem to care. Then I wondered if I even wanted her to understand because the simple fact that I couldn't even look at the guy I was in love with was too embarrassingly depressing. Maybe the fact that we'd both had issues was the real breaking point, maybe normal relationships could withstand trauma and Paul and I just weren't strong enough.

That had me rethinking everything and Jade was putting me through more introspection than any therapist I'd ever had.

"What the hell, Jade?" My voice had raised at her a bit then and I felt slightly bad at the way she went on the defense. My outburst had caught her by surprise, her face dropping into a scowl, lips downturned curtly.

She wasn't giving up though, her stance squaring and eyes narrowing. "You came back to see him," she insisted, arms crossed to mimic mine.

"I came back for you."

I wasn't sure why her saying these things made me feel so exposed. I didn't come back for Paul, I came back for my sister but I knew something about her words were true, "you can't tell me that not one part of you was hoping to see Paul." She was right, I knew she was, it just pissed me off how right she was and how I couldn't even lie to myself. I was a mess without him and even if I'd come to terms with it, I knew that I intended on seeing him at some point during this trip. "You've been broken up for months now and you're not even talking to anyone. You miss him."

Even with my chest constricting and my heart pounding a million miles a minute, I still wanted to see him. "You don't know anything."

"I know that you still love him." She was right. "I know that meaningless sex does nothing because at the end of the day, you're still alone." I'd been preparing to shut her out, my words were lingering on the tip of my tongue, something spiteful enough to sting when her eyes dropped from mine.

My sister was staring at the floor, bottom lip in her mouth and her voice was so vulnerable, I regretted things I hadn't even said. She looked ready to cry and that was when I realized how much what I did affected those around me. Jade had seen me at my lowest and she didn't know what to do about it but she'd done something. She'd went out of her way to do something to help me and I was being a dick to her. "I'm scared of what happens to you when you're alone."

"Jay..."

At the way my tone softened, she looked back up, not making eye contact with me. Quickly, she wiped her eye, catching the tear that barely grazed her freckled cheekbone. "I shouldn't have invited him; I keep overstepping." She was shaking her head then and I knew she was blaming herself again, she'd been doing it for the past few days when something I said was a bit too confrontational. Who I was now was harder for her to adjust to.

She lingered in the doorway almost as if she didn't want to leave me alone and that dug a hole deeper in my chest than any emotion I'd been feeling that day. She cared so much about me and I was hurting her again. "I'll tell him to leave if you want me to."

I wasn't okay and she saw that, she had to deal with that and she'd been constantly living in a different fear than I had. I was depressed but I wasn't helpless, she couldn't do anything to help me more than she was. And I was showing her that everything she'd been doing for me was in vain: all the check-up calls, all the midnight FaceTimes when she couldn't sleep, the constant reminders that she was there for me... Jade cared about me.

And I only cared about myself not thinking about how fucked up I was for refusing to see him after everything... If it would put Jade at ease, I'd see him. I could handle it, I could.

I'd taken some time to myself, building up the confidence to face him again and when I did, I'd simply sat back down. My friends, maybe wanting to give us some space, they hadn't stopped their conversation but Will'd eyes had flitted to mine for the first few seconds before I nodded. They'd gotten up to order, Andy's hand clamping on my shoulder in silent reassurance and I could feel mine under the table, trembling.

We sat there for a few seconds, awkward silence encasing us but I had so much I wanted to say.

"Hi." That was the most I could push out without stuttering. I knew that this was hard for both of us, it had to be but he wanted to see me, he went out of his way to see me... that meant something.

"Hi" His voice was soft and he'd smiled awkwardly, rubbing his hands together and that was what somehow calmed me.  He was equally as nervous as I was and it was kind of reassuring. "I didn't really think you'd talk to me." But that made my heart hurt even if it were true, I wasn't inclined to talk to him, not at first, but that had a lot to do with a fear of rejection.

"Why'd you come?"

"What?" He looked confused at that, squinting his eyes as if it wasn't a normal question to ask, as if it wasn't valid. The last time I'd seen him, it was less than friendly and Paul didn't even seem like he remembered. He was always good at letting things go, not holding grudges. With a shrug, he smiled ever so slightly, dimples indenting. "Because I missed you."

: : :

An only slightly-awkward early-dinner had led to Jade leaving with the car, she'd suggested I'd ride with Paul ten minutes after saying she was dropping Caspar off and she had yet to return. My sister had planned everything out, maybe this was formulating in her brain for a long while now but she was doing everything in her power to push me to talk about it.

Luckily, it didn't feel as bad as when I'd entered, not at all actually and when we'd gotten into his Jeep, a conversation about college had started, even if it was lighthearted. I had to consistently remind myself not to divulge too much but this wasn't heavy, not at all actually so maybe that was why when he'd offered to show me his new place, I'd taken him up on the offer.

He lived only a half hour from the pizza joint and living in Brighton for most of my life, I'd been pretty used to that time frame in a car so I didn't mind much. But he'd driven back there to see me, he'd went out of his way because he wanted to see me and just that thought made my heart warm.

Entering his building, we'd gotten into the elevator and even then, we kept a safe distance. I could see him, I could talk to him, but I wasn't so interested in touching him because I knew once I started, I wouldn't stop. We'd made it to his floor in an elevator ride that felt way too long for comfort and I found myself watching him out of the corner of my eye, his too focused on his phone. He'd smiled then, maybe he'd seen me looking but either way, I shot my gaze downward, staring at my shoes for the remainder of the ride.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Those were his first words when he'd entered his apartment behind me, shrugging off the jean jacket he'd recently pulled on and I found myself shaking my head as I sat down gingerly. His apartment was more minimalist than expected, the furniture a deep gray but his carpet a textured white as well as his barstools. There were plants everywhere and pictures on the walls, canvases hung up all around, the effects of someone else living here. The art wasn't all his.

"It's... nice." that was all I could say, thumbing my way through a few books littered across his dining table and there were a few sheets of music scattered around, messy handwriting sprawled across. I could tell from the way it was written that it most definitely wasn't his and for some reason, it felt more sophisticated. He felt older in that sense, Lanny had never used sheet music, all of his songs were written in his journal with little notes beside it, this music was actually composed.

His house felt so weird, everything was different, everything.

"Thank you." But he'd sat down, a bottle of diet green tea in his hand and maybe that helped. "So, you're a lit major now?" He'd asked, calling back to a conversation we'd had earlier that night once the awkward tension had dissipated. "How'd that happen?" Honestly, I wasn't sure what pushed me to write, maybe it was the countless days in therapy where I had to write out my feelings, maybe it helped me cope.

"Um, I started writing when we..." broke up. I'd motioned between us and he'd nodded, unreadable look in his eyes. "It helped, I don't know, letting everything out... and then I started poetry but that turned into stories."

And he'd nodded, opening his bottle only to close it again, he did it a few times, maybe he was as nervous as I was. "You wanna be an author?"

"Maybe a sports' journalist."

A smile had spread across his face then. "I can see that." Finally, he'd taken a sip of his drink, only a small one and eighth after, he'd sat it down on the table as if he only drank it to seem occupied. Paul nodded again.

Turning towards me slightly, he'd paused as if he were trying to find the right words. And then he rubbed his hands on his thighs, biting his lip with a soft smile. "This is gonna sound stupid but I- uh- I watch the college soccer matches." My heart had sped, the idea of him even thinking about it let alone going out of his way to watch, even if it wasn't much... that made my heart quicken in my chest. "I'm proud of you, Jules."

I'm proud of you.

All I could think about was when I'd made MVP, and my graduation, and when I'd gotten into school. He'd supported me, he always did and he loved me.

He always did.

"T-thank you." My words were barely there but a warm feeling had settled in my chest. I felt more loved than I had in months, I felt like I was floating again. He was looking at me and for some reason, it felt the same and even if it were for a split second, Paul and I were us again.

He'd felt the shift too, maybe he'd relaxed a bit because his words were a whisper too and his eyes were boring into mine, brown pools deep and I'd been drowning. "You're gonna be great, I know it."

I didn't know who made the first move, I'd like to say it was mutual because the next thing I'd felt were his lips on mine. I was in his lap and I'd been kissing him. I nearly forgot the feeling of his lips, how soft they were and maybe topping in all the sex I had recently was why he felt so much more dominant but I liked it.

My life had been so messy for so long and maybe the idea that he was in control was relaxing but I loved it. I loved how he gripped my hips, pulling me towards him firmly but then he'd lingered only moving with the motion of my hips and letting me work with him even if he were in control. Paul always held me that way, like I'd break under pressure, even if I didn't deserve it.

His skin was soft around me, my fingertips had grazed the skin under his shirt that had risen, the warmth encasing me. My own skin buzzed with the feeling, my head cloudy and I'd been kissing his neck when he spoke again, voice broken. "Julian..."

Instantly, I was on edge, the sound alerting me because Paul never was vocally hesitant like that unless he meant it. Even if I hadn't slept with him in so long, I still knew how to. I knew what the jagged sound of his voice meant. "Do you..." I'd backed up a bit but with him still holding me, it was impossible for me to move completely. I was hot everywhere and he was still pressing against me, our previous grinding making my voice hoarse and I hadn't intended on it being so obvious, "d-do you wanna stop?"

"No."

: : :

Paul was pretty good at a lot of things but the thing he never failed at knocking my breath away with... was the way we fucked.

Yeah, it was sensual, it was loving and heart warming and I could feel an emotional connection -at least, before- but it was also hot. Paul had different ways of fucking, there was the loving, caring sex and then sometimes he'd move harder, sometimes he'd suck marks onto my thighs mid-blowjob, sometimes onto my collarbone as he drilled into me. It was euphoria all the same.

I hadn't touched Paul in so long, I'd forgotten the feeling of his skin. I'd forgotten how the hairs on the back of my neck would stand up as soon as he brushed his fingertips there. He did this thing that drove me insane, he'd hesitate before pulling me in to kiss him, he'd move too slow and then all at once, he'd speed up, maybe it was his own reassurance, maybe in those moments he'd remembered that I loved him.

I hadn't had sex with Paul in so long that the first time I had the chance to, we'd both been moving too fast, I didn't have the chance to savor the moment because I couldn't think of anything except the way he gripped my hips or the way his hair fell into his eyes as he leaned over me...

Or the way he threw his head back when I was riding him. He'd grown more muscle since the last time I'd seen him and some slight stubble was splattered across his jawline. He had more tattoos than when I left, his left shoulder and pectoral an extension of his map and the bars in his nipples were now silver hoops. He'd grown, a lot in the past year and a half, he was twenty-one now and the way he fucked was more mature, more dominant. He was more sure of himself like the grown men I'd slept with, but he still had that boyish charm.

Unlike them, he could get me to that place where the only thing on my mind was him. He had me in a haze whenever I locked eyes with him and fuck.

"You feel so fucking good, Angel." His voice was deep, a groan into my skin and I clutched the back of his thigh. My lower back ached, it almost sedative and I bit down into the pillow to keep my moans at bay.

I could feel him everywhere, "God-" my throat was hoarse, legs nearly limp, but it still felt so good. My heart was racing, Paul's legs spread over mine, bracketing me down and the way he moved then, quick, animalistic... my cheek was pressed into the bed, eyes fighting to stay open, mouth gaped and I was so lightheaded, it didn't feel real.

"Slow... sl-slow, fuck, baby- Pablo!" I was sure I was crying then, sensitivity taking over... the ache of him drilling into me and my body rubbing up against his bed, I felt hot everywhere.

And I was out of my fucking mind, he always dragged me there. My heart was racing and I loved it. Paul seemed a little nervous at my yelling, I'd always been kind of vocal. I offered a sigh that turned into a laugh as reassurance.

And he listened almost instantly, sinking down into me, pressing kisses all over my body as if an apology.

"Sorry." It was accompanied by a soft laugh, breathless, his fingers dipped into my shoulder blades and trailed down to my back, massaging out the soreness there.

"Don't be."

And quickly, I fell calm, slack against the bed. My eyes were closed, a kiss was pressed to my cheek so sweetly.

"Forgot how big you are for a second there."

Paul was smiling, I could feel it when he kissed my neck, dragging his lips upwards and he was kissing the shell of my ear.

I felt him stilling deeper, my hand reaching behind me to splay across his chest. He pushed in teasingly then, hand curled around mine, the noise I let out embarrassing and he was pressing a gentle kiss to my fingertips again.

"Ready?"

"Yes."

His words held a laugh when I pressed my body back into his. "You sure?" My hand was curled around his thigh then, starting the motion myself, he huffed out a heavy unexpected groan.

"Fuck. Relax for me." He was always so smooth, hand sliding up and down my spine, it briefly reminded me of such intense intimacy. I hated how safe I felt. "Feel good, baby?"

"Mhm."

My hand was against the sheets, Paul slotting his fingers between mine and he was fucking me again, slower this time, avoiding a spot that made my legs shake.

"I missed this," he'd spoken, lips gliding across my shoulder blade as he blanketed his body with mine. His actions had been so animalistic, we'd been going at it for almost an hour and my own voice had been too hoarse. The fact that I could feel him in my chest, his words sinking into my skin where he kissed and they'd been so raw, so soft I almost missed it.

Sex with Paul was always intimate, it was always him being gentle with me and even when he was pounding into me, he'd say little sentiments. I miss you, I love you, you're my life. Paul was as charismatic as he was attractive and he knew how to love me.

I could feel him kissing down my spine then, stilling in me as he held my hips down right at the curve of my ass. He'd slowed down then, pulling me back to meet his hard thrusts each time, as if he was trying to prove something.

And when he hit that spot in me, my back had arched, he'd held me there. Every stroke after that, I could feel wracking through my body, his lips on the back of my neck and Paul was starting to feel the build up in his own body, his teeth had grazed my ear, strokes becoming sloppy. "Shit, Paul." I could feel the sweat sitting on my own body as well as his chest slicked and pressed against my back. My voice was weak, it shaky as well as my legs as I'd felt my fourth orgasm creeping up in me that night.

He was the only man I could feel this with, the only man I felt comfortable bottoming for and I tried. I tried to fuck other men, I tried to be submissive in bed but I just couldn't... he was the only one who had the ability to make my head swim in pleasure, my bones buzzing underneath my skin. The only man who could make me feel like this.

"You look so good. You feel- fuck-" His groan as he pulled out had my body screaming for his touch again as he prolonged the last one. Flipping me over onto my back, he'd smiled as soon as he came into view and I could see old Paul in his eyes. I could feel him easing back into me, eyes on mine and his hand had come up to brush the hair off my forehead. Every time he touched me, he'd make me feel so special, so important and so loved it was almost scary. This is how he'd love me. "I wanna see you."

If possible, my heartbeat sped. The urge to close my eyes wasn't strong enough though, I couldn't help but think that this was some dream I would wake up from once I so much as blinked. There was no way this was him and he missed me and he was saying all these sweet things...

"You're beautiful, Jules..." his voice was breathless, eyes unfocused as he gasped, sitting with his knees bent under him and still inside me, he'd hiked my hips up on his thighs. He paused, and then he was just looking at me. "God, you're so beautiful."

With each word, I could feel him setting a steady pace, his hips smacking the backs of my thighs slower than before but just as hard and my body jolted with each thrust.

"Fuck," I'd whispered out, my voice too fucked to make much noise and Paul had wrapped my legs around him, pushing his head into my neck and rolling his hips into mine. I'd sworn when he wrapped his hands around me to pull my body up into him; I was in his lap then, his lips on my shoulder and I could feel him kissing the skin there.

Each thrust, he'd hit my prostate then, his lips kissing down my chest and with every jerk of my body, a curse had spilled from my lips until I could feel his hand tugging at me, coaxing me through my final climax of the night.

And when my legs had stopped shaking, I felt Paul still, a groan escaping and I was almost too tired out to hear but I'd caught onto it.

I love you.

We didn't say much after that, memories entrapping me and just being this close to him was dangerous. His arms were wrapped around me and I could feel him calming, we just laid there for a bit, his presence sinking in. He was here and his words played in my head on repeat.

: : :

Paul was... romantic.

Even despite the fact that I'd consistently told him he didn't have to do too much to impress me, he'd always go out of his way to make things special. Our first anniversary, I couldn't visit due to mandatory practices and he'd spent a month working ahead in his classes so he could take the week and spend it with me in California.

Not only that, he splurged on a hotel room near my campus so I could spend the week with him and still make my classes during the day. On one particular day, he'd made dinner with some recipe he found on Pinterest, that was when I'd found out that Paul wasn't very good at cooking. He was exceptional with Spanish food but when it came to making full meals, he'd been a little lost and it felt like I was falling in love all over again when I'd seen the flour on his face and a pout. He was embarrassed and I was over the moon.

We'd ended up taking out from a breakfast bar near the hotel and afterwards, spent the night watching movies.

"God, I love you." His lips were barely moving, his voice nearly gone with the words and I watched as a look of wonderment had passed through his eyes. Mid-movie, I noticed how out of it he'd been. His eyes were blown wide but he wasn't staring at the screen and he wasn't interacting or laughing at the funny parts.

At some point, I'd turned only to lock eyes with him and I smiled. His smile had lagged a little, eyes glossed over and he was looking at me as if he couldn't believe I'd been there.

"Baby?"

And then, almost as if my voice had shocked him out of a trance, he'd been crying. "I love you, Julian."

"I love you too." That was all I could say when fear had made itself present in his eyes.

But I understood because sometimes I'd look at him and become so overwhelmed with the feeling vibrating through my body, my bones would feel light and the heartbeat thrumming in my chest would quicken. Sometimes, when he kissed me, my knees would fall weak and I'd sink into him, almost as if he was the only thing keeping me grounded.

Loving Paul and being loved by Paul would never get old and I'd never tire.

He was sitting up then, scooting over a little to reach onto the bedside table and into his camera bag. He'd been filming little moments like this, just for us and I was sure that he was just planning on taking another picture. That is, until he spoke. "I- uh- I got you something."

"I told you I didn't want a gift, you already spent too much coming here."

"I know." He was smiling, pulling a small box out of the bag and my brows furrowed at the way he frowned, almost nervously. "I got it before I planned the trip. I actually got it when I got your necklace."

My fingers curled around the nameplate on my neck and it filled me with joy, just the feeling of it underneath my fingertips. "What?"

"I wanted to give it to you then but we got into that fight and the break had just ended and I didn't think it'd be a good idea but I know now..."

He'd handed me the box then and I'd ran my fingers over the velvet exterior. Deep down, I was nervous, a proposal lingering in my head and his next words didn't make it any better. "I wanna marry you one day."

"Paul..." I was happy, so happy but the thought of marriage terrified me. I'm not ready, I was only eighteen and I was going to college, we both were.

He must've read the fear on my face because he'd looked down before chuckling softly, "not yet." He'd grabbed my hand in his then, interlacing our fingers as I flipped the box open, a small band with a single diamond shining up at me. "But just know... one day, I'm gonna turn this into an engagement ring."

And I let myself believe it. We were healthiest then, we were happiest then and at that point, I really could see a future with Paul.

"Happy anniversary, Angel."

: : :

The bamboo was still there. Fingertips pressed to his skin, I traced the same path I'd known by heart, my hand dipped into the small of his back, tracing a thin line into a stem.

His back was more defined, the mole on his shoulder blade now sat on defined muscle, his tan skin stretched over and just the sight gave me goosebumps. He was so attractive in clothes but naked...

Paul was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen in my life, even when he wasn't really trying. His arms were crossed under his head, eyes closed as he breathed softly; he was still awake if the hitch of his breath had anything to say about it. I tried not to think, not to put it into perspective and just stay blissed out, he was here.

He's here.

And that meant something, it did, it had to. With the corners of my mouth quirking up, I watched as he stirred a little, eyes fluttering open when my fingertips had made it to the new ink across the back of his waist.

"Morning." His voice was groggy, brown eyes half-lidded and he had a slight smile inching its way up his face. The man beside me had taken his time to blink his eyes open even further, my heart stuttering as a pair of pretty brown eyes looked up at me.

Everything about him had aged, everything about him had changed and was so new but his eyes... his eyes were the same, his eyes were so bright and full-of-life and caring and so they reminded me of everything good I ever had. And here he was smiling at me with the same eyes that held so much sadness the last time I'd seen him.

I was thinking now, everything flashing through my mind at once and the serenity had subsided, heartache taking it's place. How I'd allowed myself to forget everything was beyond me but now it was rushing back with a vengeance.

I'd spent the night with him.

"You have a boyfriend?"

I wasn't sure why I asked but once it was out, it lingered in the air, thick and clogging my throat. The words were leaving my mouth almost as soon as I remembered all the pictures, all the videos, my heart had sank at the way his body tensed slightly, almost instantly. We'd been having a moment, a moment where it seemed like he too had forgotten about everything bad between us and I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut.

Paul's eyes didn't meet mine then, they'd flickered down, nearly closed and he barely turned his head in my direction but touching him after had felt all too intimate. "No." It felt weird now, almost as if I wasn't supposed to be there and then it hit me... I wasn't.

Removing myself from him, I backed up. I'd forgotten how different everything was now, almost forgotten how everything ended and that was dangerous. Falling back into the good and allowing myself to forget what I did was damaging, it wasn't okay because in those moments, I forgot who we were now. We were different, everything was different, convincing myself otherwise was a recipe for disaster. It felt too perfect, Paul being this close, it overwhelmed me and I was trying to hold on before I sank back into that hate. "I mean, I had a thing- have a thing- but we're casual." At that, I sat up.

Trying not to be disappointed at his response, I kept my composure, I didn't have the right to be mad. I knew he was seeing Isaiah but for some reason, I let myself believe that this meant something to him, that Paul and I couldn't just have meaningless sex. "Casual?" The word felt weird in my mouth when I thought of him. I wasn't good at casual relationships but at least, I knew how to keep distance, Paul wasn't like that. Pablo Martinez was the sweetest, most caring, loving and relationship-orientated person I'd ever known.

Even with all he told me of his past, all the people he slept with, Paul was loving. He was the type of man who'd make you feel like the only one he had eyes for, he just wasn't a casual person when he was sober but maybe the few months had changed him, maybe I did.

"I'm not seeing anyone, Jules, not exclusively." But he was lying now, right through his perfect teeth and I'd picked at an open wound, I fucked him knowing that I wasn't strong enough to deal with the repercussions. I slept with Paul and now all the feelings were surfacing again, the ones I buried and his, "You know I'm not like that," broke my heart again because he was lying. Maybe they weren't dating but they had something and it definitely wasn't just sex.

He was seeing someone, and not just someone, he was seeing Isaiah. Isaiah was a fucking backdoor our entire relationship, Paul was waiting to break up with me just so he could call Isaiah.

Maybe he didn't know I knew, maybe he didn't want to hurt me but the fact that he would deny it right to my face was making me regret everything.

It was silent for a second, his fingers toying with the oversized shirt he'd thrown on in the awkward air and I'd busied myself by pulling my boxers up my legs, hiding shaky fingertips in my waistband. His voice was soft. "Are you?" He's coughed after asking, clarifying it almost immediately as if I didn't know him enough to understand. "Seeing anyone, I mean."

I shook my head at that, my voice failing me and I tried to focus myself as I could feel my heartbeat quickening. Paul didn't notice, I'd gotten good at masking my panic behind a grimace. We had been so distant, it was hard to pick up tells but I knew he was calm and just that alone helped me.

Just his presence made me feel serene.

"Do you like them?" His voice was soft and he'd followed my lead to sit up. Brown eyes were trying to find mine and I found myself staring back at him, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stop.

"What?"

His fingertip was tapping my neck and it made me feel like shit just thinking about the way Paul was sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. "Whoever gave you this." He looked down at his hands instantly after, playing with his sleeves now and the words were bold but his eyes were hesitant almost as if he didn't know if he were allowed to say them. He wasn't sure of himself, that was something that surfaced a lot during the end of our relationship, Paul was becoming insecure at that point.

That lingered; he used to be able to look me in the eye even when we fought. I could still feel the warmth of his skin on mine.

"No." Trying to keep myself from falling into this weird thing, I shook my head. "No, he's just a friend." Could I even call Wren that if every time we were done, I withdrew from reality?

Was that even any of Paul's business? Why did he need to know any of this? Did he care?

"Cali?"

"Yeah."

It was silent and he'd been playing with the hem of his shirt again, "You still wear it?" His smile was soft when he'd brushed a finger over his opposite ring finger. I wasn't sure what he was getting at, he'd taken his off. I remembered the day he did too, when I'd been getting so used to checking up on him after the breakup... it was a series of pictures of him with Isaiah's arm wrapped around him, the latter laughing and Paul had looked so happy.

He was holding a drink in his right hand, I wasn't sure when Paul had started drinking again but Isaiah was a bartender now, that couldn't have been good for him. His ring finger was bare and I'd failed an Anatomy test after that, all the memory space in my brain being overcrowded with flashes of those pictures. I'd ended up spending the rest of the testing time trying to remember if he'd been wearing his ring in all those other pictures, if he'd been drinking before that.

He looked good though, as much as I worried about him, he didn't look like he'd been on a bender. Paul was a grown man, I had to remind myself, he knew what his limits were.

"Yeah."

He'd laughed then, even if it sounded a bit pained and I found myself looking down again. "Little weird in bed, isn't it?" His eyes weren't on me when I'd looked up. He wasn't even looking in my direction, his gaze was on the bed again and I wrung my hands together for lack of better movement. I needed to keep busy before they started shaking, before I started overthinking and before I fell into this same deep, dark, depressing hole.

"I miss you too y'know?" He'd spoken again when I didn't answer, how was I supposed to answer?

"You think I look different?" He'd laughed then, calling back to another thing I'd said in between fucking. Another thing about new Paul was how much his stamina increased, he was an animal in bed now and it made me slightly jealous knowing that he was sleeping with other people.

Shaking his head,I could feel his hand on my thigh again. He was biting this lips then and all I wanted was to see him in between my legs for the fourth time. "Jules, look at you, you look... soccer's doing you good, huh?"

And it was a simple statement but the way he said it felt more sexual, the teasing hand on my thigh only amped up the pressure and I knew that if we started again, it would only confuse me more.

But I didn't care.

"Shut up." He was pushing his fingertips towards the inside of my thigh again, caressing that same spot he always knew worked. He knew me, he did, and when he smiled, I was more than sure that he was aware of what he was doing.

But his next words hit too close, they made me shiver and I was still wearing his ring. But he wasn't, he didn't have my ring on, he didn't have my necklace on, this was purely sexual to him and I wasn't there yet. Or, at least, it being purely sexual in nature put me at ease more than it being more than that and his, "I'm serious, you're gorgeous," was a bit too sweet.

A bit too much.

"Don't say things like that, Paul." Screwing my eyes shut, I tried to remind myself what this was: sex, this was sex. This wasn't dating, this wasn't love, this was being attracted to each other and sleeping together. I was sleeping with Paul, I wasn't with Paul.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you.

"We just slept together."

His eyes were confused, the entire look on his face was and I wasn't sure how he didn't understand. Paul was a lover, I knew that, but he should've known me well enough to understand that just that could have me falling all over again.

"Th-there's fucking and then there's intimacy, okay?" I could sleep with Paul, I could do it and I would be able to handle how it fucked me up later but sleeping with Paul in a more emotional manner, being with him more than just physically, that was too deep. "Don't be intimate with me if you don't mean it."

"I've never just fucked you, Jules," he was looking me in my eyes again, staring right at me in that calculative Paul way and I was getting angry. Maybe it was the lack of medication, maybe it was my emotions building up but I was fully upset and I wasn't sure how to handle it, "you know that."

I couldn't show him, I couldn't be visibly mad and I knew it so all I did was shrug.

And then acknowledged the guy that was all over his feed nowadays. "Isaiah."

He furrowed his brows as if the statement wasn't valid. He and Isaiah were a thing, at least of some sort, and denying it wasn't going to change that. It took him months to even post a picture with me. No matter how much Paul liked to say he was out and say he didn't care what people thought, the hate would get to him, he wasn't very good at practicing what he preached but I loved that about him. I loved that he tried to be strong even when we both knew that he was fragile; Paul was selfless and he was caring to everyone but himself but he was also emotional, he was also insecure.

The fact that he allowed pictures of him and Isaiah kissing to be public not even three months into whatever they were doing didn't sound right. They had to be engaged in some way before, this wasn't new.

Because if it was, that meant in some way, he was more invested in Isaiah and I didn't want to believe that, I couldn't.

"Isaiah? We hook up occasionally but it's nothing serious." Bullshit.

"You kept his number."

"I didn't." Bullshit.

I wanted to cry, "How else did you end up with him?" I'd asked, it wasn't adding up, none of it was. "Were you- were you talking to him when we were together?" I had to tell myself that Paul wasn't a cheater but was that cheating? Was having a foot out the door cheating if you weren't sleeping with that person? If you weren't kissing that person?

He looked offended and I struggled to believe him. "Jules, we go to the same school, okay?" And his voice was harsh even if mine had stayed level, he was agitated at my accusations and I wanted nothing more than to leave. "Not that I have to explain myself to you but I was looking for a roommate and he was looking for a room off-campus."

And it just so happened to be him?

I couldn't ask that though, I'd been pushing it by being upset, we weren't together. "You fuck him, recently?" That doesn't matter.

"Yeah."

But I couldn't stop, maybe I wanted him to tell me that he'd slept with Isaiah the day before, maybe I wanted him to admit to cheating because that would've made me feel less guilty... even if it hurt. "Like..."

And Paul was laughing, annoyance on his face, I knew he was still angry. "Does it matter?"

"What happened to being a one man kind of guy?"

But he shook his head, pulling completely away from me, at some point during this argument, he'd ended up a distance away and him being so close yet so far, hurt. Him being right next to me yet feeling so distant was my fucking fault and I shouldn't have brought any of this up. "I could say the same for you." And he was gritting his teeth, almost as if he hadn't intended on that slipping but he'd said it and now it was stuck in my head. "Sorry, that was uncalled for."

It was on repeat, a continuous loop and all I could see were his tear-soaked cheeks and him packing my bags. All I could see was the fight before the end and the way he plead for me to talk to him, just talk to him.

Then when he'd given up, the shift in his eyes as he promised he'd bring my bags over eventually, he wanted me to leave. Just- just go home...

please.

"I deserved it." I did, I ruined everything, I broke up with him, I slept with someone else, I lied about it, I lied about everything.

"No you didn't-"

But he was always giving me the benefit of the doubt, he always let me do whatever the fuck I wanted because I had problems, he skidded around his own feelings as a way to keep sane. I can't keep doing this, I feel like I'm going insane. "I wasn't in a good place, we both know that but being in a bad place doesn't justify hurting you to the extent that I did."

"We weren't together."

"That doesn't fucking matter." I broke his heart and all I had to say to it was more self-pity, I was so out of myself that I let it hurt him and I didn't show any compassion until he'd quit.

"We broke up, Jules." And we got back together, and I lied to you about it. "And you slept with someone, you're allowed to." But you didn't, you respected me, and if you had slept with someone, you would've told me. Paul was good; he was a good person, he was a good boyfriend.

"I'm really sorry."

He was so perfect that even as I was taking blame for my own mistakes, he was trying to console me and we'd gotten closer over the course of my freaking out. He'd been closer to me and I could feel the skin of my knee rubbing against his, we'd only been in boxers and it felt like senior year all over again. "You remember when I found out you kissed Andy?"

I nodded, knowing that words would fail me.

"I forgave you, right after it happened. I forgave you right as I was pulling away from your house." He smiled then, hand in mine and I could see it falter as he looked down. He watched as he played with the ring on my finger and I knew he was reminiscing. "You broke my heart and I forgave it, I always do." Voice cracking towards the end, he looked up at me and there were tears in his eyes again, he was letting them fall but his smile stayed and I felt an ache in my chest. "We've both grown since then."

I wanted to speak but I wasn't sure what to say, thankfully footsteps had echoed through his house and Paul wiped at his eyes almost embarrassingly. With a sigh, he sat up straight, sliding a little back and the voice following made my eyes widen.

"Paul?" At the sound of Isaiah's voice, my blood ran cold. I could feel my body warming up again despite the shivers and I knew I was flushed. There was a weight on my chest and I was starting to feel a bit nauseous.

"I-I-I should go."

Almost instantly, Paul had moved closer, trying to catch my blurry eyes and I hadn't been that terrified in a while. I wasn't even sure why I felt scared but it was almost like I was about to dive off Mount Everest with a mouth dry as the Sahara. I was shaking. "Jules."

"It's f-fine." Yanking myself away, I backed up, scrambling off of his bed. And then I was stumbling around, trying to pull my clothes on yet also calm down because it almost felt like my heart was gonna explode."I'm just g-gonna get my stuff and, and I-I'll-"

"Julian, come on."

My legs were shaking and I tried to breathe through the pain that was already emanating from standing too quickly. My lower back was sore, legs wobbly and muscles tight. I tried not to show how weak I was, trying to walk out of there were some dignity.

Isaiah was tall.

That was the first thing I'd noticed when I'd seen him for the second time, he was taller than me and in stature, he was bigger. His skin was perfect and smooth, the caramel color stretching across muscled arms and tattoos peeked out from underneath a tight-white tee. He was gorgeous all hazel eyes and curly hair and I was just Jules.

And he hadn't met my eyes first, his body had slightly collided with me on his way into Paul's room and I briefly wondered how often he did that. Just walked in, was that what they did? They fucked frequently, it was a regular thing and I could feel my heartbeat speeding up again, racing my blood through each vein, adrenaline pumping.

I had to get the fuck out of there.

A/N:

college is so fun but also so much work but there are swings in my lecture hall so Im kinda okay. gonna update you guys more later but I have another class at 5pm so I'm taking a nap, byeee.

Updated: Tuesday, January 15th.