[i'm so tired by Lauv and Troye Sivan]

VOTE AND COMMENT PLS

SEVENTEEN: when you make amends.

I knew that the first step to leaving peace when I left would be to make amends with those that I had wronged. Maybe I had a determination to be remembered fondly or maybe I just knew it would be cowardly to skip out without getting my affairs in order but I knew that I didn't wanna leave with people still angry at me.

It had been a long drawn out plan in the back of my head when Danny had dragged me to the clinic down the street... which was an Urgent-Care after I profusely alerted him that the only way I'd go was if the school wouldn't be informed.

I sat in the car alongside him, thinking up ways to apologize and I kept quiet at first. I kept quiet as the doctor was checking me out, sure that the bill would come through mail and I put my college mailbox as the recipient, my dad wouldn't get a bill after I killed myself, that would be cruel.

I sat on the examination table, my head swimming from the pill I'd taken and maybe the mood regulation and suppression was amped up by the alcohol because I felt eerily calm.

And I ignored the questions of my well-being and my mental health, staying silent only answering with shrugs and almost-silent one-word answers.

'Do you have a history of depression?'

yes.

'Do you take medication for it?'

yes.

'Is that what you've taken?'

yes.

'Are you at risk?' That one took nearly a second too-long before I shook my head. I didn't need to be put on a suicide watch-list, that wouldn't benefit anyone.

no.

She'd asked Danny to leave then, eyes lingering on a clipboard of all the medical tests they'd done before I'd came into the room and there wasn't much she could do, that much was obvious. She would go on to tell me that I didn't have any alcohol poisoning but mixing it with my meds didn't do me any favors. She'd say to lay off for a while, sleep it off and asked if I had a therapist.

And I nodded, my eyes still hollow, body still shivering underneath baggy clothes, I hadn't eaten in a while and I knew my bones were protruding, my collarbones the most prominent.

Maybe Paul would find me attractive now.

Laughing cynically to myself, I nodded on my way out, sluggishly and I knew that there was no real hiding my depression.

I wore it all over me, the bags under my eyes so intense they made the green in them muddy, I didn't move with energy and I certainly didn't intend on speaking much. I was a living embodiment of all the sadness I'd carried for so long and I was finally okay with it.

That had to be the worst part -that I was just allowing it to overcome me. I sat idly by while it took the steering and I was coming to terms with it, it swallowed me whole and I didn't mind because, honestly, I'd messed up so long being in control of my own life, it was nice to live on autopilot for a while.

It was eerily similar to those days my pills didn't seem to work, those days I'd lay in bed from sunrise to sunset, crying sporadically but mostly staring at the blank wall, hoping the pain in my chest would ease. Hoping depression would let me breathe, if only for a little while.

Briefly memories of Jade sitting beside me and combing through my hair passed through, her fingertips twirling in the strands as she hummed the excerpt of a church song we'd grown up on. Despite faith being an anomaly in our family now -and her only knowing part of the chorus- it brought me comfort, if only a little.

The comfort it brought her would be enough.

I couldn't leave her without a proper goodbye.

So I made a list inside, a list of the apologies I'd dish out and the people I'd see, all the things we'd do to make the last memory perfect. Disappointing them and always carrying that weight would be replaced, I found this realization to be the worst.

That I was so content with my decision that I insisted on arranging these goodbyes so meticulously. I'd say goodbye to my father with a game of soccer outdoors, maybe shedding tears into his shoulder, he'd remind me that I was strong and I'd smile... as if I knew a secret he wouldn't be clued in on.

I'd leave him with some hope, some reminder that I knew he loved me even if I ignored that at times.

I looked awful.

That much was the obvious as I made my way out of the hospital room. Chilly, I pulled my sleeves over trembling hands, shoving the pamphlets I'd been given in the trash.

Honestly, once the questions had been cleared, I'd stopped listening. I wasn't sure where Danny was but my throat was dry and I'd stopped at a water fountain, hoodie pulled over my head,

Tightening the strings, I sighed and shoved my hands into the pocket of my old varsity hoodie.

"Julian?" The sounds of my name would've been alarming on any other day.

It would've put me on edge, anyone I knew seeing me here, looking how I looked but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Sullivan Clemons was in scrubs, chipper smile that reached his eyes and he was holding a stack of papers when he stopped by me.

"Sullivan."

"Hey." If possible, his smile got even bigger. I forced one in reciprocation. "Didn't think I'd see you in my parks." And he sounded nervous although he tried to make it conversational. "What are you doing here?"

What did that have to do with him?

Honestly, I wasn't sure why the universe kept pushing us together. Sullivan was cute, he was new, but he didn't make my heart race. I decided that that meant that I didn't like him at all.

Maybe my expectations were too high.

"You work at the clinic?" And maybe he was a liar too, he'd said he worked at the hospital.

He was shaking his head though, biting his bottom lip. "No, I volunteer. I work at Grady."

Then why are you here? He was questioning me like he had a reason too and something about his energy felt imposing.

He offered up more information that I didn't ask for. "They get really busy on weekends and they're really nice so sometimes I come in and organize, tidy up a bit."

He was like fucking Florence Nightingale.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

And it was silent again, it was awkward. I'd shuffled my socked feet in Nike slides. Sullivan's smile dropped into a half one that I was sure was cute to everyone.

He was cute, he had a nice job, he was a nice person... what was wrong with me? And why was he so fixated on me? His interest felt insincere but he sounded anything but.

"I-uh- had fun the other night."

"Yeah." I did too until I realized that I wanted to kill myself.

"Uh..." He coughed and I briefly wondered if I'd said it aloud. But Sullivan was still smiling, this time apologetically. He'd lifted the stack of papers up slightly. "I've gotta get this paperwork to the doc but call me?"

And I had no intention on doing that but I figured he would get the gist eventually.

"Mhm."

He was stepping back and it felt so nervous it almost put me on edge. He was talking when I went to turn away. "I really- I really liked getting to know you."

I didn't know what to say but "... Yeah."

And then his brows creased. He looked at me then, really looked at me. "Julian, are you—"

"I'll see you later, Sully."

: : :

"What are you thinking?"

Danny's words were soft, small, like he was afraid I'd detonate and I matched his energy with only a widening of my eyes. He'd barely seen it, us briefly paused at an intersection and I found myself shrugging.

Mimicking a shyness that I rarely exuded, I rested my head on the window, knowing I'd have to thank him for trying.

"You always get lost in there," he continued without any provocation, licking over his lips as if he didn't know where he was going with it and I ignored it even if I rolled my eyes fondly.

And it was silent all the way back to our dorm.

Maybe I thought the whole making nice thing would be easy, it had been with Danny but perhaps that had something to do with Danny understanding on some level.

He always seemed to get me even if it were on the most minimal level, I assumed that was the cause of all the concern. Maybe his easy acceptance of my shitty attitude ending abruptly hadn't prepared me enough for Wren. I thought the less I felt for them compared to others would keep the farewells light but he wasn't inclined to speak to me.

And that was definitely all my fault.

It wasn't easy that next Sunday to catch up with Wren. If I didn't know any better about how little he let other people affect him, I'd have thought he was avoiding me. I'd trudged through the week going to classes and skipping out on practices, knowing Danny wouldn't bug me anymore.

I figured if I were to end it all anyway, what was the use with ambitions?

I wouldn't have been welcomed back, that much was obvious, and I didn't care enough to try and get back in the Coach's good graces. I drafted out my plan among picking up all the papers I'd discarded during my tantrum, bypassing my writing for a free-page and I wrote down all the names of the people I'd have to fix things with.

The pages of Paul had burned a hole in my chest but I simply shoved them to the back, knowing I wouldn't be able to get rid of them completely. I crossed out Danny's name knowing that the understanding nature of our subtle glances was enough.

Wren was next and I didn't know how much harder of a task it would be.

"Wren." My voice felt foreign when I'd caught up with him outside of the resource building, he had a binder in his hands, bag slung over his shoulder and seemed to be dressing more androgynous than usual. Stares followed him down the steps only for a second, as if people had suddenly forgotten it was California. "Hey, wait up, Wren!"

My feet were much slower than my voice, following me to meet him up the stairs and upon seeing me, he pulled the shades -that sat perched on top of copper curls- down to cover his sea-green eyes and he'd brushed past me.

"Leave me alone." His voice had no sign of wavering and I would've stopped on any other occasion, would've left because he seemed to have no interest in talking to me and I had to be the one less-interested, any other interaction would leave my dwindling self-esteem wounded.

But this time, I followed. "Will you just listen to me?"

And he kept walking, all-white Birkenstocks slapping the ground and his loose shorts and long shirt-dress were flowing in the wind, his hips moving fluidly and intoxicatingly.

I sighed stopping as he seemed to slow to a normal pace.

"I'm sorry." I called out, his sashay stuttering for a second, but only a second. "For everything." At that, he halted.

Spinning around, his chain glimmered in the sun and he didn't even give me the satisfaction of meeting my eyes, instead he stood with chocolate brown shades that matched weirdly with the lighter fabric on his body, it the color of a washed out coffee-stain. "You know, I-I knew that it was just sex but I thought someone at least liked me for me." His voice was fairly and nonchalant.

I would've thought he didn't care if he did step closer, shoving his binder into the bag and hiking it further up his shoulder. "I just wanted someone who didn't see me as their token gay friend or sex toy, you know?"

As if it were less important, he threw out a repetition of what he'd said the last time we'd seen each other and if the hollowness in my chest hadn't already dragged me to my lowest, I'd have felt bad. "And I thought we could be friends."

"We can." For a little while.

"We can't." If I didn't already feel bad, his laugh made me feel worse. "You don't know how to have friends, Julian. You don't know how to care about anyone but yourself."

I thought of days where Paul would find me in the same state Jade had, he would know what to do though. He'd turn into a caretaker, doing more for me than I probably needed and he'd do anything to get me talk.

One instance in particular, I remembered a certain deepness of the empty I had, it extending to swallow my entire body and he'd slouched down in the mattress beside me, in between me and the wall. He'd smiled softly but I hadn't even cracked a smile. The normal warmth he brought did nothing to soothe the chill that wracked through my body and I'd turned the other way.

He'd sat up then and this low was considerably worse.

With a gentle sigh, he kissed my covered shoulder, it burning through the fabric and I stayed stoic.

"I love you and this will pass." That was seemingly all he could say and it did nothing to sate me but he sat there for hours, humming songs and telling me stories of his childhood, he told me his grandmother's stories when he ran out of his own and he just talked to me. He talked to me about things that didn't matter like what he'd eaten on his lunch break to future plans for us and inside all I could think of was the fact that he'd emphasized us lasting.

He loved me through and through and he never complained. Instead, he'd run me a bath even if I didn't want to move, he'd make me full meals even if I only took two bites.

Paul would sit with me and talk with no response if it awarded him a twitch of my lips and when he'd get that, he'd kiss me all over, small, loving pecks. And he'd whisper sweet reminders of just how much he loved me and just how strong he knew I was.

If you ever feel like this again, call me.

"I don't care about myself."

It left my mouth before I consented to it but it made Wren stop, his brows furrowing, he'd been talking and I had no clue what drag he had in store but he'd paused in his tracks.

"What?"

"I hate myself, Wren." And I must've concluded that letting honestly leave would resonate as a cry for help. Maybe my mind was giving hints, hoping someone cared enough to put the blues together. Maybe I wanted Wren to sound some alarm. "I fucking hate myself and I don't know how to let people in because everyone I've let in isn't in my life anymore."

But I had made up my mind, there wasn't any use in him trying so maybe that was why I told him these things.

"I can't have friends because I depend on people too much and when they're gone..." Trailing off, I watched as Wren crossed his arms.

"What do you want?"

My throat had closed up then, mouth feeling dry and cottony, I found myself gasping out his name. "Wren."

And I wasn't sure what set me off but I knew the look in his eyes. It was the same look they gave me when my panic attacks took over, the same look that said breathe. "You okay?" He'd sat his bag down for a second, stepping closer and I instinctively curled in on myself. We'd been standing in the middle of the grass, the sun beating down and Wren had both his small hands holding my heated cheeks.

His eyes were on mine then, keeping me directed towards him and after a short while, he'd pulled me down to sit with him in the grass. "Hey, take a second, okay?" He spoke, keeping my eyes on his even if I couldn't see him through my tears and he breathed loudly as if wanting me to mimic. "Give yourself time."

When those words registered, they were still under a haze, a fog and I was sobbing now, trying to catch my breath.

I heard myself begging for him to shut up even if I didn't want him to. I wanted all the noise in my head to quiet, wanted everything to just stop, wanting my thoughts to stop this war they had swarming around.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

Not good enough.

"Touch three things, okay?"

I ruined everything.

"Julian," his eyes were still on mine when I tried to listen to him a little more. My body was shaking, sobs escaping my throat and I nearly choked. His voice stayed solid but soft, "you need to ground yourself."

And something about the gentleness reminded me of my worst panic attack- when Paul had found out about me kissing Andy- that night he'd known just what to do and it helped. Wren would help. I found my fingertips on the grass, sliding down to catch tufts of it in my palms and I mumbled out the name. "Grass."

"Good."

Shakily, I reached one hand to his bag, "B-bag."

"Good."

I was crying again, reaching out for him now as if he counted and I decided he did. "You."

"Okay." He nodded, my hand gripping his shirt in my fingers, holding on tightly for dear-life and I'd never been so out of control. "Okay, tell me what you hear."

I tried to concentrate and I felt my head clearing, the sound fluttering around my ears and there were a lot of sounds but among all of them, the most prominent was, "B-birds."

"And?"

"Y-y-you." It was all too much, too much and not enough and he was holding my shoulder now with one hand, the other coming to massage my hand off of his chest, holding it delicately and this was the first time I'd fallen apart in front of him but he'd experienced this before, that much was obvious. "Wren, I cant-"

"You can." He spoke, cutting me off, his voice was like honey, sweet and plump as if it were containing much more than he'd said. He knew so much. "Just take a deep breath for me, one okay? And hold it for a second."

"Now count backwards from ten."

"Nine. Eight... seven..."

I did as told and afterwards we sat like that for a while, him taking both my hands instead of my shoulder and his voice was just as soft when I was back to myself. "Feel better?"

"I'm s-sorry." I spoke, curling in on myself while simultaneously stumbling to get back on my feet, I'd lurched away from him, his eyes gentle and slightly amused in the most-innocent way. He'd stood up gingerly, patiently standing and waiting for me to continue.

I wondered how long we'd sat like that but he'd returned to biting his fingertip and blinking at me with those big eyes. Something about him felt ethereal, as if he were some guardian angel and that felt all too stupid of me so I cowered in on myself again watching as he adjusted the strap on his bag.

And when it was proven that I had nothing more to say, Wren rocked back on his heels and I grimaced at the idea that they were probably dirty from the grass.

"Do you want me to come over?" He spoke first, eyes lingering on mine, there was something about him that felt so trustworthy then and it warmed the hole in my chest.

"Please." It was weak and reserved but he heard it, nodding before following me on the path to my dorm and I kept my head down, trying not to allude to how much I needed him there.

: : :

"I'm actually... a biochemistry major." At first, I was the same amount of reserved I'd been since Danny had found me mid-breakdown. I didn't say much to Wren when we'd gotten to my dorm, instead we sat in silence until he agreed to answer any question I had if he could ask me one.

From that, conversation sparked, short answers turned into full sentences and I wasn't quite sure why he seemed to be the only one who could snap me out of my episode but I said it probably had a lot to do with him knowing what I needed. I had this weird trust in my bones now and I wanted to fight it.

I just didn't have the energy. "You thought I was stupid?"

Although his voice had a hint of teasing, I didn't want him to think I'd thought so lowly of him. I thought a lot of thing about Wren, them not at all, all positive but I never thought he was stupid. "I didn't."

"It's alright," His voice was giggly and I knew he took no offense. "I don't exactly scream: I wanna dissect and decipher chemical reactions in living organisms."

And after that, I thought my next question should've served a better purpose, maybe getting to the bottom of him knowing me like the back of his pale, manicured hand. I sucked in a breath, it taking longer to come out and I knew he felt the shift in mood.

"How did you know how to..."

He'd shrugged for a second, small smile turning bittersweet and then he explained. "My mother got panic attacks after I came out." Maybe he thought letting down some of his walls would coax me to inform him of my shitty life but as usual, he was right.

He furrowed his brows as he tried to explain himself and his past with hand motions. "Um, it was rooted in some fear that I was -like- gonna... get myself hurt or something?" He laughed slightly then almost cynically and I never expected Wren to sound so bitter. "Some bullshit that the therapist made up because she didn't have the heart to say my mother didn't approve."

"I'm sorry." And I meant it. No one had ever truly understood what that was like. I felt for Wren, knew that even despite how amazing my support system was, none of them had gone through it. None of them knew what that type of rejection felt like.

Wren just shrugged. "She was the one who stayed so..." he smiled small.

It ate you from the inside out, knowing that the woman who birthed you couldn't love past her own biases and it stayed with you even when you thought you'd gotten over it. I knew it left a bad taste in Wren's mouth so I thought to ask another question, one less weighted.

"You ever been in love?"

At that, he smiled gratefully but shook his head. "No." When I'd spared him a look of incredulity, he spoke again. "It's not for me, you know?"

"That's not true." Someone would love him or deserve his love at some point, he seemed like he had too much for it to be otherwise. I felt considerably lighter talking to him, way more serene and I wondered if this was the same aura he'd had before and I just didn't slow down enough to bask in it.

Instead of dignifying my look with a responsive one, he just shrugged again. "Love requires... compromise and a lot of it and-and patience..." Shaking his head, he pulled his legs up to hug his knees and I could tell he was closing in on himself, "it's investing yourself so far into someone yet keeping your own values and it's-"

"Beautiful."

"Scary." He'd insisted.

And for some reason, I felt like unloading and I knew it was same to. "I broke up with him first." My voice had cracked but it stayed solid and I figured what was the harm in letting him in a little? I'd told him I had an ex and it was messy, I assumed he'd catch on and he did quite quickly. "I wasn't loving him how I was supposed to, I was-I wasn't taking my medication, I couldn't handle it so I broke up with him."

"...And I slept with someone."

Acknowledging it out loud really made it feel just as bad as it was and I felt the wall I'd put up to block out Paul's hurt, chipping away. Wren was biting his fingertip when I looked over at him and I scooted to sit beside him, back against the wall. "And he was mad?"

"Not about that." He'd given me so many chances. "He took me back and I lied about it and I lied about taking my pills, and- We already had problems with communication and he asked me if I'd been with someone and I lied." I shook my head, rethinking all the pain I'd put him through.

"I don't even know why I did it." My voice was wavering and I knew that it would bring me to tears eventually. "He wouldn't have been mad, I know Paul, he just- he wanted me to be honest and I fucking couldn't." I had to keep up the facade of being perfect for him and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live with myself when he didn't know, it was hell keeping anything from him and I did it to myself.

"I lie so much, about everything and I-I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to let people in and he was the person I-I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with."

"You're not the only one who's messed up, Julian." Wren spoke as if it were revolutionary and when I didn't move, he pushed at my side. "You're just not."

"And I know people say it all the time but it does get better." Somehow, when he said it, it felt more believable. "Everything, all of it, in ten years, are you still gonna feel like this?"

"I love him."

Wren shrugged. "If he can't get over a mistake like that... do you even wanna be with someone like that?" And he was speaking like I wasn't the one who messed up, normally, I'd be angry but it somewhat calmed me. Maybe I needed to stop guilting myself so much.

I didn't speak on that, instead I let my words guide themselves, no real thought behind it, just rambling. "I've been in love for a while now and I've lost a lot because of it but I wouldn't... change anything."

And I wouldn't have, I would never change being in love with him, not for heaven and not for a million lifetimes over. "I-I wouldn't-I wouldn't take it back if I could, if it meant not feeling this loss." Breathing in a sigh, I spoke. "Because I'm stronger than I thought and I know that now... because I had the courage to s-say it out loud, to-to love him out loud and without fault."

And I knew that, "I did that right."

For some reason, I felt the need to assure Wren. "And I know that there's someone out there for you, like that, you know?" He smiled softly when I turned to look at him. Among everything I'd been through, all the hate in me, love somehow made it bearable and having it was really the only reason I'd held on so long.

I spoke again and I didn't know why, Wren seemed to already be convinced but I just had to say it. Maybe I needed to remind myself. "That we're all destined to feel this way at some point because I-I don't see how life could be so cruel, you know?"

"Have you talked to anyone about your panic attacks, Julian?" I didn't realize how much Wren seemed to be looking at me now. He'd been looking at me the same way the entire time we'd been hanging out and I didn't realize it. I didn't realize the worry that was in his eyes until I'd rambled myself into a hole and he was so aware now.

"I-I was diagnosed with depression in senior year of high school."

"When was the last time you talked to someone?" I was crying now, not realizing until tears were rolling down my cheek and Wren was there. He was there watching me fall apart again and these questions only pulled my walls back up but he'd already seen so much.

"You have to talk to someone."

He'd already seen so much and there was no hiding it from him now, he would tell me I need help and he'd leave just like everyone else.

Wiping my face, I tried to ignore what he was saying but it was too late now. He caught me in the act and he was trying to devise a way out without seeming like an asshole.

But instead of saying goodbye, he sat up and he looked closer at me. "Are you going home for break?"

"Yeah." I croaked out, blinking back the rest of my tears and for some reason, I heard sincerity. He stayed put, looking into my eyes with sea-green ones and he had a small, reassuring smile on his face.

"Are you okay until then?"

It took a second but I was nodding and surprisingly, he was pulling me into a hug now. Normally, I'd have pushed him away, made a quip about us not being friends but that would be a lie now. Wren had seen me at my lowest and he stayed, that was friendship if I knew what it was and I hesitated.

Sucking in a breath, I thought about how long it had been since I'd been hugged and I found myself sinking into him. Trying not to smile at the coconut scent that drifted to my nose, I found myself sniffling into his shirt.

"Tell your parents, someone, please." He'd voiced, when he'd pulled away, I could see the plea in his eyes. "Can you tell your parents?"

Maybe it was all he'd done for me so far or maybe it was the innocence in his eyes but I wanted to agree. And I found myself nodding before I could stop it, words stuttering out and tripping over themselves. I wasn't quite sure how true they were.

"I can tell my dad."

And he smiled small, brows still furrowed, Wren still had his hand curled around my waist and he was cuddling in. And that platonic intimacy was somehow enough to get me to agree to anything he'd asked. "Promise me you will?"

"Yeah."

After a beat and we'd been comfortably sitting for a while, his voice had turned shy once more, eyes glancing down and I realized just how much of an ass I was before. He was nervous about being there for too long.  "Do you want me to stay?"

Even if it sounded selfish, his presence was somehow holding me together so I nodded. Biting my bottom lip, I threw an arm around his shoulder, hoping he'd forgive me for everything I'd done.

: : :

November 3rd 2016

"Can I-can I talk to you?" Among eating breakfast, I brought up the subject.

There was this overwhelming feeling of guilt that had washed over me when he'd been so sweet these past weeks. It almost felt stupid to still be hung up on the small detail during our time apart but even through him reminding me that yes, he did love me... I couldn't shake the feeling that I had betrayed him away.

It had been nearly two months now, so long that our breakup didn't seem significant but I knew that if I left for college again and didn't tell him, it would be worse. "Of course."

His beautiful eyes were on me, a playful smile toying on his lips and he sipped his coffee, leaning against the counter beside the pot. He was only in a shirt of mine and some boxer briefs, his perfect ass hanging out the back of them and when he'd turned around to turn off the coffee pot, I almost abandoned my quest.

Almost pulled him to me and took him to the bedroom and that proved even more difficult when he moved to sit on my lap all domestically. Hairy and toned legs crossed over mine, I found myself playing with the little freckles that dotted his thighs. I was so in love with the way he curled into me then, necklace dangling in front of my face.

His ring gleamed in the light as he placed his mug beside my plate on the table and idle fingers twirled my hair as he looked down on me, fondly.

He seemed to be in such a good mood that I almost didn't say anything.

Almost. I had to tell him, there was no reason not to. I had nothing to hide so I had to stop acting like I did. "When you-when you asked if I had... been with anyone. I-uh-I didn't tell you the truth."

"What?"

It was silent for a second, the smile turning into an odd frown on his face, he looked confused  like he couldn't see it being a lie and I almost backed out, almost laughed it off.

Paul had sat up a bit, eyes staring into mine then, his hands went from playing with my hair to laying slack over my shoulder and I shifted a bit.

"When we-" Trying to find the words, I closed my eyes, it much easier if I didn't have to look into his pretty brown eyes. "When we broke up, I didn't tell you but I slept with someone."

Abruptly, I could feel him moving to get off my lap, no words spoken until he was in the seat next to me, arms crossed and lip pouted. That was the 'I'm gonna cry' face he was giving me, I knew it all too well and he hugged himself for security. "And I didn't wanna hurt you so I didn't say anything because I- I thought that it didn't matter-"

I knew telling him would open up a whole new conversation, that's why I held off so long. But looking at him and not telling him these past weeks... being next to him and just lying to his face, it hurt to keep things from him.

But now, he was looking at me as if he couldn't trust me and I couldn't go back.

"Paul..." I was reaching out to him then, fingers barely touching the skin of his wrist when he'd pulled back. Maybe I thought it would make him melt into me but he was sliding back in his chair, it scraping the wood carelessly and my heart broke when a tear rolled down his sun-kissed cheek.

"Please don't touch me." His voice was soft but stern, eyes focused on the table now and I kicked myself internally for ruining the mood so stupidly.

Still, I tried to defend myself, he didn't seem to want to say anything more. "We weren't together, I-I, I wasn't thinking; I was hurt and drunk and stupid and-"

"Who was he?"

No one important, no one I really even remembered. "Some guy, Andy and I went out one night a-and I-he bought me a drink-"

"And you slept with him."  Paul was visibly angry now, looking up to meet my eyes and the tears that brimmed his broke my heart. He breathed in sharply, leaning down to rest his forehead on the table and I could tell he was trying to control himself.

"I know but-"  Cutting myself off when I could hear him crying softly, I tried to explain without sounding like I was making excuses. "I'm sorry-I just, I thought that-"  When I failed to find my words, I shoved my face into my hands, elbows propped on the table. "This is why I didn't tell you."

That wasn't the right thing to say, that much was obvious when he looked at me, his forehead wrinkling and my boyfriend looked so annoyed now, that was dangerous.

"Are you serious?"

"Paul, I was hurt." That wasn't an excuse but I was hoping he'd see where I was coming from.

He didn't.

And he was laughing softly, as if he couldn't believe me, couldn't believe himself for trusting me again. "You don't think I was too?"  When I didn't answer, he sighed. "You broke up with me not the other way around."

When I went to speak, he dismissed it and we both had work soon, I definitely should had brought this up later. How stupid was I? "I don't want to fight right now." He had to go and spend the next four hours hosting a sip n paint at the local rec center, it didn't pay well but he'd been back to youtube recently and the royalty checks were enough to get by while picking up shifts as a barista.

I knew his day would be stressful and I just had to add onto it but I was hoping, he'd take it out on me. I could handle it.

"No, let it out, I'm not leaving with you mad at me." I couldn't wait tables thinking he was deliberating on whether or not to break up with me, that wasn't what I planned on doing.

But Paul had no problem unleashing on me, suddenly, I wished I saved this for later. "I'm gonna be mad regardless of whether we do this now or later, Jules." With a sigh, he listed the problems in our relationship as if I wasn't already aware of them. "You drink your problems away, it's like you don't even care that I'm recovering."

I wanted to cut in then because I did, I definitely cared, I cared so much about his recovery and the past year in college flashed through my mind. I thought of the nights he'd visited that I left and showed up drunk and it wasn't fair to him.

I didn't think it hurt him that much and maybe our communication problems stretched both ways.

But this was my fault and he had no problem cluing me into that, "You decided to drink, you decided to sleep with him and then you decided to lie to me about it."

He was standing before I could get any more words out, placing his mug into the sink and running the water. When he was angry with me, he had developed a habit of tidying up, it calmed him.

"Pablo..." I spoke as he reached for my dishes, scraping them in the trash and I knew this wasn't doing anything.

Sighing, he got to work on the dishes, washing them for a few minutes until he shut the water off, turning around, he caught my gaze and his cheeks were red, flushed like he'd been crying.

"I asked you if anything happened, if you were with anyone else; it didn't matter and you still lied to me." His voice was louder, angrier and I could hear the hurt in it. Wiping at his face, he scratched at his wrist and I could see him trying to pull himself together.

And when he did, he spoke again and it only proved to make me feel worse. "We had sex last night, Jules, we don't use condoms! Wh-what if he had something? What if he was positive?"

I hadn't thought of that, didn't think of the fact that sexual safety and security was something so important in a relationship no matter how monogamous or lack thereof. It mattered, getting tested mattered and I hadn't been tested since we'd both been months prior.

Maybe being in such a privileged position in life, in a stable, monogamous relationship had made me a bit blind. I didn't realize until he'd said it that HIV was still something so prevalent, still something so deadly and I didn't take the proper precautions.

And now he didn't trust me, not when we'd had so many talks about sexual health before.

After a beat of silence, he spoke, stating his question like a fact. "You used protection..." he looked at me then as if he didn't think I could be so stupid. And I'd stopped carrying condoms when Paul and I decided we didn't need them.

That night, I wasn't planning on hooking up with anyone... I didn't bring a condom and when Andy was preoccupied with his boyfriend, I didn't even have the thought to ask him for one. The guy I was with claimed he didn't have one."He said he was clean-"

He laughed then, it bone chilling with spite lingering on the end and he was rolling his eyes as if he was angry at himself for not expecting it."So, you barebacked some random guy you met at a club?"

When I didn't respond, it looked like the anger was subsiding. I watched tears roll down his flushed cheeks, his voice breaking as he wiped them away. "And you didn't think that mattered?" Sucking in a breath, he tried to avert his gaze.

Shit.

We didn't have what was deemed safe-sex. We never slept with other people so condoms seemed a little excessive. It was a closeness and safeness and I knew he felt even worse because I had topped the night before.

My hands were on his hips now, trying to calm him down in the only way I really knew how. Normally gentle touches made him relax but he was too rigid, too angry. "Baby-"

"Get off me."

Realizing that that sense of closeness always left him feeling more loving the next morning, I found myself apologizing."I'm so sorry." He trusted me and I tossed around his health like it didn't matter and I felt so terrible.

I didn't realize I was moving close again until he stepped back, my heart sinking at the coldness.

"I need some space, Jules, I need-"

And I didn't expect it, not the sadness, maybe all of the anger and only some of the pain."Because I slept with someone when we weren't together?"

That pissed him off, more that I really thought it would and he was yelling, "Because you lied to me!"

Almost as if my confusion had scorned him, my boyfriend was so angry then, so mad but he lowered his voice. He never yelled at me, he was always soft-spoken and patient and I never deserved him.

And him biting his lip after his outburst proved it. Taking a second, Paul lent back on the counter, meeting my eyes and he just said, "Again."

Fuck. "Pablo-"

"It's like you don't... trust me anymore." Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he took a breath."Like-like you just can't tell me the truth, like I'm a fucking stranger."

"I'm your boyfriend, Jules." He looked so sad then, so completely vulnerable and it was my fault. It was all my fault and I didn't notice until it was too late. "Do you forget that?"

Maybe I did.

And Paul had sighed, his hands coming up to wipe the few tears that hadn't fallen. His cheeks were flushed, he'd done enough crying for the day, and his hair was all over the place from his frustrated tugging. We'd both looked rough but seeing him just as a mess as I was... it made my heart hurt.

So did his next words and I knew he'd already given up.

"Do you wanna be with me or do you just not wanna be alone?"

It was the second time he'd asked and this time, it was like he already had his answer.

That much was obvious, I could see it in everything and I could especially see it thinking back. I'd never given him security, because I'd broken up with him again, because I ran away from our problems so many times.

And I let him be convinced that I didn't love him anymore. I thought back to the conversation we'd had the night I'd come home, how he never seemed to heal from it.

Gentle fingers tipped over my skin, soft sigh spewing from perfect lips and Paul was saying he was scared that I'd break his heart again. He was always so honest about his feelings, about how terrified he was that I'd leave him again.

And he told me he loved me again, that he wasn't gonna stop.

"Of course I wanna be with you."

I couldn't believe I'd forgotten something so obviously important to him. He'd already voiced how much insecurity he had and I really just... forgot. "I love you so much, okay?"

It was reminding me of all the problems we'd had with long distance and now I was so close to him and I was still fucking up. I kept fucking up.

It was silent, I should have realized sooner. "Pablo, I am so, so sorry." He didn't respond and I could feel the urge to cry inching up and prickling at my tear ducts, my throat closing up and he didn't believe me.

Tucking his hands into mine, I tried to get him to look at me but he simply slipped out of my hold.

"Please just leave me alone, Jules."

He'd clasped his hands together, resting his forehead on them and his body was shaking.

He was trembling, trying to keep himself calm and I didn't expect everything to fall apart so suddenly. It was boiling to the surface, we were fragile, and maybe that was why I waited so long.

Too long. "It-it didn't mean anything, it was-it was a mistake." I hated the silence and he was just shaking. I didn't know what to do."Baby, I'm sorry."

"Please say something." But he wouldn't and it scared me even more because he wasn't even crying when he breathed out a shaky breath.

And he was sniffling, refusing to meet my eyes, I'd never seen him so tired, so fucking heartbroken and it was all my fault. He was shaking his head when I reached for him, backing up and it felt like I'd been punched in the face.

I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do but it felt like the calm before the storm and I could feel him slipping away.

Falling out of love with me again and again and again. "I love you."

The way he reacted to that scared me, he just looked at me for a second. Sad brown eyes and he was biting his lip, I saw the pain before he breathed out a soft sob and then he was looking back down again, gasping like I'd stolen all his air.

And he was crying again, it shocking in the silence, overtaking our quaint little kitchen. Paul was shaking his head, stepping back again, further out of reach and I was sure he'd never forgive me.

His voice was weak as he pushed past me, "It doesn't even feel like you mean it."

: : :

A/N:
Since this chapter was already kinda done, I tweaked it a bit to reupload. I'm still rethinking the plot line as of right now so the hold is pending. I wanna take a little break from updates so they won't be as frequent but I just love WrenxJules friendship so much, I needed it.

Also my birthday is in FIVE days, ya girl is finally a respectable age of 19!

Updated: Thursday, August 15th.

Book recommendations? Could be yours too, let's start a little book club.