GUYS, NEXT CHAPTERS ARE SO PLANNED OUT THAT THE UPDATE WILL BE ASAP. ALSO ENTERED THE WATTYS AGAIN SO PLEASE BE SURE TO VOTE AND COMMENT x

[Danny; Erase by Omar Apollo]

SEVEN: when you learn communication.

Lecture classes were the only things keeping me from spending all my time, off the field, in bed. My head was throbbing, post a weekend spent vomiting, it was triggered from a hangover and only furthered by taking meds that didn't work with my system and I spent half my time over the toilet, sick. I briefly thought of not taking any medication, that had to be better than this feeling but I wasn't trying to land myself in a depressive hole with no one to pull me out and honestly, I didn't think I'd recover if that happened.

With a mint flavor still settling in my mouth, I could taste the lingering of the mouthwash I carried on me to class. My stomach was empty and my head was starting to hurt with the lack of food but even the sight of the dining hall that morning had made me nauseous. I was so burnt out.

"Verbal barriers, implications in cross-cultural communication come from assumptions indicative of greater fluency in one language verses the other and cognitive strains can be influenced by multiple languages." I was supposed to be taking notes possibly, I think the terms and concepts they were discussing the last class were supposed to be on the final but I simply didn't have the energy and I was lucky that another guy on my team was in this class, he always recorded the lectures and I wasn't even sure why I'd shown up.

Because you're not going to understand if you try to revise on your own.

The idea was simple but the discourse wasn't and I wasn't sure how to participate in the class when the just wasn't room for stupid questions. it was a basic concept and even if I kind of got it then, I knew it wasn't going to be easy to remember later and I found myself attempting to jot down key words.

My ending average GPA in high school really made for below-average test scores, I never did test well and college only emphasized all the issues I had in learning. "First language speakers often modify aspects of their speech, you see in some instances it has the ability to remove redundancy of content but could be perceived as patronizing. That is only preceded by, is it possible to modify speech, or is it passable? In these instances, the second-language speaker may pretend to understand in order to avoid embarrassment or appear competent..."

The class was so immersed in exactly what was being said and for some reason, I always felt two class periods behind. The terms I was copying from a class I'd missed were almost foreign to me. I tried to relate them to something in my life and maybe I found trouble in that was the fact that the only non-native English speakers I'd known were the Martinez-Jones family. It wasn't that hard to grasp, it was basic knowledge but the "we must realize that language accommodation can have a positive effect but not always," fell on deaf ears because I was too busy trying to catch up.

I was not even halfway done when another assignment was dropped on top of the pile. "Turn to page 378, this is the reading for the night and a quiz will be available online until the weekend is out. Don't forget to submit your essays and a hard copy is due on Monday before class." I had completely forgotten about that paper, I had two more, the reading, the quiz, a makeup quiz for a class I'd been skipping for three weeks now, and practice. "I urge you to think of the communicative relationships in your life, what if they had a cultural barrier as well? We understand on a surface level, take advantage of that."

By that time, it was eleven-thirty, the class had ended and I couldn't stop thinking about the rest of the things I had to do before the night was out. I had one more class that day at three and then practice at five, that meant I could finish at like nine and work on my essays until about three in the morning, my first class wasn't until eleven the next day.

Mid packing up, I avoided looking at my lack of notes, other people had full pages. "Uh, Julian?" I knew it was coming, honestly, I'd missed class so much I was sure the professor would start to be annoyed at least. Professor Scott was the most lenient professor I'd had so far and I think it had something to do with his class being so early in the morning but he never minded when I was late and he gave extensions despite his class size. He was maybe in his early thirties and he had a nice body so I assumed he'd played sports before teaching, his smile was bright.

"Yes?" I'd answered, grabbing my bag and stepping down the levels to where we was standing. I could tell this would be about my recent missing assignments and I was fully prepared to excuse it. If he had me standing here all day, when would I have time to work?

But he was a good professor, as much as I hated to admit and it kind of made me feel bad for disregarding his class so much but I had a lot going on.

"it would do you some good to come to one of my extra help sessions."

"I'll take that into consideration." I wouldn't.

My grades weren't the best, they hadn't been for a while and I knew that. Information was just so hard to retain and in between practices and hating myself, I hadn't had time to study as much as I'd have liked. Danny had taken the course before me, I could refresh on his notes, the dude I sat next to added me to a study group chat weeks before, maybe I could unmute it.

I had options, I kept telling myself, all through the walk to the other side of the campus for my next class, I'd eat in the dining hall before the medication I took that morning started to fuck me up on an empty stomach, then I could work for a few hours. You got this.

About halfway through my walk, I could feel a presence behind me, almost as if they were trailing. I knew it was Wren from the way he walked, close by and I didn't like it, I never did. This was what he'd do every so often when he knew he overstepped his boundaries. It had been a few days since we'd spoken and I could tell the lack of attention was annoying him.

As if I gave him attention in the first place. "John's out all day," he was beside me then, aligning his steps with mine and there was a chipper-ness about him that I hadn't expected, but that was Wren. "Something about his family, he probably won't be home until late." He was smiling at me, leaning in and bumping my shoulder as we walked.

"So?"

"So, I was thinking that you could come over." Twirling to walk in front of me, Wren bites his lip, almost as if the past weekend hadn't happened and I wondered if I were overanalyzing again. "And you're still mad at me."

"I'm not mad." I wasn't. I was confused and I had too much going on that I wasn't even in the position to think about sleeping with Wren again.

But he didn't get it. Pushing past him gently, I went to walk a little faster. "You're ignoring me more than usual and I didn't think that was possible, new record." He had a laugh in his voice as he caught back up and I didn't have the energy to keep trying to avoid him by them. He didn't care how distant I was, Wren was always persistent, like a fucking roach. Didn't he have a fucking class?

This is why we don't hang out.

And I felt his hand on my wrist then, it hesitant but it stopped me in my tracks. If I kept ignoring him, he's keep bothering me and I just didn't have the time. "I'm not... used to men standing up for me, makes me feel weak when I know I'm not." His voice was soft and he was looking down at the clunky Filas on his feet, he was nearly tall enough to be eye-level now yet he still felt so small in a big shirt that engulfed his little body. And he was remorseful. "But I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have drank so much and gotten so angry about it."

I should've fought back or I shouldn't have drank so much or I shouldn't have been a fucking tease.

Trying not to say too much, I nodded and I didn't know what Wren had been through or anything about him really so I couldn't have a say on how he reacted. I told him I wanted casual, being mad at him for not letting me stand up for him... that was stupid. He reacted within the guidelines of our causal relationship, I wasn't his boyfriend and I wasn't his friend. He didn't want me to care about him and I didn't have the right to fight that.

"Okay?" His voice was still soft but there was a smile in it then and it made me feel better. "So can we just stop being weird and you get back to breaking my back like usual?" There was Wren again and I was grateful for less weight in the conversation. "I haven't been fucked in too long."

"Not today." I held my previous words as true and this time he hadn't fought on it because there was a small promise for another time.

"Tomorrow, then?" Rolling my eyes, I brushed past him again and he hadn't followed.

: : :

February 13th 2016

"Baby." Paul's voice was soft, it disrupting me from my reading. I had a paper due on Feminism and female sexuality to do and I didn't even partially align with any femininity. My professor would grade my paper especially hard, me being one of the most masculine people in the class, as weird as it was. I was a student athlete taking a course on sexuality and femininity and it was one of the smaller courses offered, I had to do good.

And Paul had been on the other side for hours now, we were approaching eleven pm and I was still writing. I'd already been seven pages in so I could understand his frustration.

"Yes?"

Still he remained gentle and pouty. "Pay attention to me." And when I looked back to my phone, I could see doe-like eyes and a small smile. He nodded when we made eye contact and I smiled back.

"I've paid attention to you."

He laughed then and I could feel the warmth in my chest. "How far are you?"

And he was talking about my paper, I would finish soon. "Almost done."  Putting finishing touches, I looked up to see him not looking at me. He had a pencil in his hand then and his hand was moving in ways consistent of a sketch. "I only have 200 words left, hold on."

"I'll draw you until then, hold still."

: : :

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Visiting Michigan mid-school-year had to have been the worst decision of my fucking life. I had a five page research paper due on immunological memory and instead of actually researching it, I had been falling into bed with my ex-boyfriend. Trying to finish a whole paper by midnight wouldn't have been as hard as it sounded... if I knew the material. And if I knew the material I wouldn't have been cramming to get it all in before practice.

Something I hated about myself academically had to be my lack of ability to retain... absolutely anything. It was so difficult to remember things especially if I hadn't had a long period of time to mull it over. I was trying to recite things while teaching them to myself and I had practice to get to. Textbooks weren't even supposed to be in the locker room, I was supposed to be changing but I'd rushed to get there early so I could revise.

It was silent but not for long and I could feel the time creeping up, I had less than minutes left to spare and I still could barely say immunological memory yet remember what it was and all the details were escaping me. A hoard of footsteps sounded from past the door and in a second, I'd heard it open, voices loud, Danny's the loudest.

I would have spend the next four hours trying to retain the little I'd read and think about my thesis.

"JD!" That was Danny, his gym bag slung over his shoulder as he walked up to me. I was still trying to siphon as much as I could out of my book, teeth gritting at the idea that I would be jogging in less than five minutes, Coach was adamant about punctuality.

"Hey." My nose was still buried in the pages, Danny's hand pushing down on my shoulder and he was smiling when I'd finally looked up, realizing that I wasn't going to remember any of what I'd read if I wasn't in my own space. I wasn't a collaborative learner, I'd never been. I needed diagrams and one-on-one help, not textbooks and noise.

"You good?" He'd asked, probably confused when I didn't move to change, he already had his shirt off and was going to take off his chain as well. Carelessly, he'd thrown his outfit in the locker, ripping his pants off and replacing them with shorts. He'd put on a t-shirt and started to pull on his socks, stepping up on the bench I'd been sitting on.

I closed my book, going to set it in my bag and nodded. I was okay, I was a little behind but I'd be fine and I didn't need an extra help session, I'd tried those before for a lot of classes and they only reiterated what was said in class, office hours were merely a formality.

Danny was lacing up his cleats the next time he spoke and it had something to do with me making sure I wasn't in the room that night. He was having a girl over and I was grateful for the warning, the year before, he always forgot to tell me and I'd walk in on him having sex. He'd been leaving then, reminding me that I still needed to change and I stood then.

I have so much shit to do.

Yanking my shirt off, I replaced it with my practice jersey and my shorts with athletic ones. I'd quickly pulled my cleats on, throwing my things in my locker and running out the locker room in record time.

Somewhere between warmups, I felt bile rising in my throat. Danny and I were paired up and he was kicking the ball for me to catch. At one kick, I'd held the ball a little longer, trying to knock the lightheaded feeling. I tried to make it to the outskirts before vomiting.

I hated the feeling, no matter how often it happened but almost as quickly as it did, it was over. I'd drank some water, Danny offered me chewing gum and we were back to drills.

: : :

February 14, 2016

"You look good."

Dressed up Paul was on the other side of the phone, he'd been wearing a suit that day after leaving a presentation and he'd sent me a picture that morning. I was thankful he'd listened when I said to keep it on when he called. I rarely saw him dressed up but it felt like something our of the next ten to twenty years, the day we'd be saying I do or some cheesy thing like that. I decided that I liked seeing him in it.

A ring was on his finger, I'd mailed it in a week before and I was just happy that he'd gotten it, knowing that he'd wanted one since he'd given me mine. "Thank you."  He had a smile on his flushed face and he wasn't used to wearing suits. "You do too."

I laughed. "I'm in sweats, Paul."

"Okay?" He'd laughed as well, defending his statement as he undid his tie, he'd propped his phone up on his dresser and I could see his whole body then. He'd unbuttoned a few buttons and I watched as his chest was exposed in increments. "I fell in love with you in a varsity jacket, I think I can handle sweats." He looked so good and I only wished to be there, moving closer to the camera, he stuck his tongue out like a child.

"Turn around." There was a teasing way in how he went to play with the waistband on his pants and when he obliged, I could see how nicely they fit. God, I missed him. "You don't like my varsity jacket?"

He laughed then, shaking his ass jokingly and turning around as if what I'd said wasn't what he wanted to hear. I could see him reaching forward to pick up his phone and he'd thrown himself on his bed."The color scheme wasn't cute." He was laying down now, and I watched as he grabbed the teddy bear I'd bought him the valentine's day before and seemingly went to prop his phone up on it. "Plus you always wore sneakers and straight-leg jeans, it felt way too straight for comfort." He was still trying to figure it out, I could tell from the way the view kept sliding and I watched my nameplate dangle from his neck.

"Hey!"

"I love you."  His voice was sickly-sweet, a laugh in it until he'd pouted again. Groaning, he got closer to the phone. "Hold on, let me call you from my laptop." And he'd hung up only for my laptop to ring again.

It was more intimate then, the view bigger and I decided I liked this more than on the phone. He looked so good.

"Hi." I spoke again, pretending like we hadn't had the conversation prior and Paul smiled.

"Hi."

"My roommate's out."

"I'm sick of phone sex."

And I was too, the idea of being close to him but not being able to touch him, being sexual without being able to kiss him."I know, baby." But watching him get off and knowing he was thinking about me was something out of fantasies, I was growing used to the longing feeling, even if it did cost me so many wet dreams I felt like a pubescent teenager again. "But think about how good it was last time I came."

Sex was always great when I visited, all the pent up aggression had Paul ready to go for hours. I could feel myself getting harder at the memories, the fact that the morning after, I could barely sit for breakfast. "Both ways."

And he'd laughed at that, it was still weird to have phone sex, even if just the smallest amount and it was always good to lighten the mood first, Paul favored intimacy over sexual urges and I loved that about him, I did. "Okay lit major."

"I love you."

He bit his lip then, smiling and I could see the love in his eyes. "I love you too, now take off your shirt."

A/N:

Just a filler, just a filler, but I'm three chapters ahead now and I'm trying this new thing where I plan out the whole story, hopefully it works.

I also entered this story into the Watttttttys! So the updates will be more frequent as long as you vote and comment.

Updated: Wednesday, June 5th.