[Jason, Kenan and Andria; Phone Numbers by Dominic Fike]

NINETEEN: when bridges are built.

Jade ignored me for the rest of the ride home, fiddling with the radio to fill a harsh silence and  kept her eyes on the road, never even sparing a breath in my direction.

Despite the slight guilt I felt, she had no real reason to talk to me like that and I wasn't going to dwell too much on her anger because it was misplaced. I didn't know what she was upset about most but I had a feeling there was more baggage to be unloaded and I didn't have the energy then.

I knew my sister though, she'd been holding in whatever hurt she held and it manifested into anger, something was up and it wasn't surface-level.

Still, I rested my head on the window, eyes closed until I felt the car stop, the familiar sound of the engine shutting off had me raising groggy eyelids and she was in the house before I could even take my seatbelt off.

Stalking out of the car, I tried to wipe the sleep from my eyes; I'd been so exhausted and I was just ready to curl up in my bed and close the curtains... maybe for three days.

Wren's voice rang in the back of my head with a promise that I'd made. I had to tell my dad that I ruined my life, that I was failing classes and had probably ruined any chances of still being on the team. I felt guilty for it too, wasting all that time and effort on an education that I fucked up anyways.

I had to tell him at somshee point but it definitely didn't have to be today and it didn't have to be right now. Jason Douglas was sitting on the living room couch when I'd made my way into the house. When he'd seen me, his green eyes lit up, standing to his feet and it was like our argument had never happened.

He'd greeted me softly, opening his arms as he got closer and I dropped my bag in the doorway. He didn't seem to care, shaking me a bit when I didn't respond quickly and he was pulling me close. "I missed you!"

It was always like this with my dad when I didn't see him for a while, he always greeted energetically, like he was so excited to see me. I really had no choice but to reciprocate, as close to the same energy I could, my chest weighed heavy. Wrapping my arms around him. I sunk into his embrace, eyes shut and I may have hugged a little too tight.

"How was your flight?" He'd asked, letting go all too soon and he was grabbing my bag from the doorway, tugging it over beside the couch so I had no other option than to follow. He was sitting down on the couch then, turning the tv off and turning to look at me. I guess I'd been more observant than the last time I'd been there because looking around I could really tell that other people lived here.

In place of the cross in the dining room, there was a painting and I sucked in a breath at the sight of it.

It was some abstract browns with caramel intertwined in between and a mossy green and I hated every inch. I tried to keep the annoyance off my face, instead looking down at my hands as I went to sit. "Fine."

Throw pillows of assorted 'earthy' colors were sitting on the couch, some weird blanket thrown over the arm.

My dad was still smiling, I could hear it in his voice. "Just fine?" And when I simply nodded, he'd tried to make conversation. "This is what? Your second time?"

That was such a weird thing to ask but I knew he was only asking for some kind of verbal response. I met his eyes then, giving him a small flickering, closed-mouth smile, "Yeah, it is." And I felt bad for the fact that he looked so relieved that I'd actually said something to him.

I knew he didn't know what to say anymore so I found myself sighing, rubbing sweaty palms on my knees, I asked, "Where's everyone?"

If he was planning on marrying her, I could at least get to know her a little better. I had to at least meet her son, especially if he was living here. My face must have given me away, I'd tried to be optimistic and it failed, that was sure because my dad was sighing back at me.

He was staring at me now, running a hand over his face and I wasn't sure why I was still expecting to see his wedding ring.

"Um- Kenan's at school, Andria gets off in about an hour."

When I nodded, I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything that would upset him, I'd already upset him enough.

I didn't have to like it and I still felt guilty for disrespecting him before so I kept my mouth shut this time. Even if the marriage seemed like a rash decision and made me inexplicably angry, even if she'd walked in here and changed everything that made it feel like home.

How could he let her take the cross down? Was he that blind? And what even gave her the right to hide someone elses' display of religion.

Maybe he didn't think it was a big deal, maybe he'd renounced long ago. He hadn't gone back to church, that much I was sure of and I knew that his divorce probably put a dent in it, I hadn't been to church except for one time with Paul, Pete, and their parents one easter.

But even if I didn't place as much value on my religion anymore, there was still a dull ache of letting it go. He'd just let it all go.

I'd forgotten just how easily my father could read me because he was staring at the wall when I turned back to him. He was smiling, it reaching his eyes... he was genuinely happy and maybe I was envious. "It's not really my taste but I'm not very good at decorating so..."

At my lack of response, he'd sighed, turning to me as if he were waiting.

"I really do love her, Jules."

I didn't have much to say to that. I was sure he loved her, he wouldn't have proposed if he didn't. I was more concerned about the fact that she might not have loved him... my dad had money and they hadn't dated that long, what if it was just another relationship that he'd regret, that would end in divorce. "Yeah."

He sighed and I could tell my stubborn silence was starting to bother him.

"Look at me?"

He sounded annoyed and it wasn't my intention. I wanted to go to sleep, talk about it later... we had too much to talk about anyways. "M'fine."

"You're not." I was... at the moment. He must have realized that it wasn't like Jade to just leave, he could always tell when something was up and it was annoying. "Jade?" He'd asked, knowing that I knew what he was talking about even if he didn't fully ask and I shook my head.

"She's mad at me right now." Running a hand through my hair, I tried to keep down my temper... over the past few days, my anger had somehow dissipated and it turned into regret. My mind was filled with memories of all the things I'd screwed up in the past few weeks.

My guilt was what kept me sitting there, eyes wavering and I knew I had to at least give him the satisfaction of an answer.

"Why?"

You. "I don't call enough." I shrugged and when he went silent, I realized that it was my time to leave. "I'm actually really tired-"

He'd furrowed his brows as I stood, leaning forward as if to stop me and I was reaching for my bags. "We have to talk about this." His voice sounded nervous, as if he thought the situation would stay unresolved and I found myself forcing a small smile in reassurance.

Turning to look at him, I watched as he sat back in his chair. "Later, okay?" My voice was soft as were his eyes and he'd nodded, me jogging up the stairs and into my room.

: : :

I would only be in Michigan for a week and a half, at least that was what I told myself. I told myself that as I was packing to fly here, told myself that when Jade had lashed out. And I'd definitely told myself that when I'd woken up later that night, trudging down the stairs to what I assumed would be an awkward dinner.

I barely ate that day, it conflicting with the pill I swallowed when I woke up that morning, something to keep me bordered instead of drifting outwards and maybe the medication that I had wasn't working the same as it did before but it kept me afloat.

Still, I told myself that I would be back in California in less than two weeks, even if it weren't true, even if as soon as my dad knew, he would pull me out of college and drive me to some psych ward. Sitting down, my eyes downcast, I licked my lips nervously seeing the two new additions sat around our dining room table.

I tried to hold back how out of place I felt.

Andria was pretty, that much was obvious with dark skin and big curly hair tied down into a low bun, tight curls pulled out to frame high cheekbones. She had kind eyes and a closed-lip smile as I sat down across from her. Her son sat beside me, short-cropped coily-hair and his eyes focused on the food he'd been shoveling in his mouth.

He smiled a toothy grin up at me, eyes bright and I felt bad for even feeling like I would have some opposition to welcoming them in.

It was hard to think of having other people sitting in the places my mother once sat.

"Hi!" The little boy beside me had greeted when I'd peered over the food, apparently, prayer before meals wasn't mandatory anymore.

Despite how reserved I felt, I found myself smiling. He was a cute kid, tomato sauce on his cheek and Andria reached over to hand him a napkin.

I nodded, "Hi, I'm Jules."

"Kenan," he'd answered, looking exasperated when Andria made a comment about his posture and chewing with his mouth closed, I found myself laughing, "mom."

His voice was annoyed, eyes rolling and she gave him a look that felt all too familiar.

"How's college, you're a writing major?" Andria asked and honestly, I didn't expect her to speak directly to me. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, maybe nervous glances but this felt normal -at least the way they seemed so comfortable. They had dinner together every night, this was a family now.

And I didn't know anything about them.

"Yeah, I-um- I wanna be a journalist." She nodded in response, reaching for a plate of garlic bread as I scooped spaghetti onto my own plate.

"Kenan plays soccer too." My dad offered when the conversation started to slow, his eyes flickering over to me and I was grateful for the inclusion.

"He's the goalie." Andria beamed, eyes alight with pride.

The boy in question seemed bashful, "Mom," he groaned as a laugh spewed from her lips in response. I tried to stay positive, ignoring destructive thoughts that fought their way to the surface. I didn't want to think of my mother or how she wouldn't have shown the same support.

Andria was proud and I tried not to seem envious.

Jade still hadn't looked at me, green eyes flitting around and only stopping to glare. One thing my sister was good at was holding a grudge and that alone made sitting there more awkward than it should have been. She smiled over at Andria, sparking up a conversation about a room renovation.

"That's really cool, man." I offered, trying a little harder to get to know him. He seemed to perk up at that. Twirling a fork in my pasta, I listened to Kenan's excited play by play of his last game.

"What position do you play?"

Chewing the food in my mouth, I tried to keep up with his insistent chatter. "I'm a defender... I've played goalie a few times, how long have you been playing?"

"I started last year." He answered, "Mom wouldn't let me play football."

"It's a dangerous sport and you're my baby." Andria threw in, her voice sweet, Kenan's face scrunching in embarrassment. It was so clear how much she loved him. I swallowed a lump in my throat at the realization that she was absolutely nothing like my mother. Maybe that was why my dad loved her.

"I don't like football." I offered with an awkward chuckle. Andria gave a sympathetic smile that felt all too personal, as if she knew things about me when I knew nothing about her. Instantly, I felt myself closing back up, wondering just how much they told her.

"How's college?" She asked as if sensing how uncomfortable that look had made me, if only she know how fucked up college was as well.

College was awful, as awful as it could be. I was completely miserable 2,000 miles away and I hated it. I'm alone, my entire family has moved on. My ex has moved on. My mom hates me, my life is absolute shit and I'm just trying to hold on right now.

I forced a smile then, nodding in order to keep things normal, "It's nice." It was a lie, they could all tell probably and the clinking of forks against the plates were now too loud, it was the only noise in the silence. Andria nodded, as if she didn't have the heart to speak and really, I liked it better that way.

I liked it better when they went silent, not knowing how to interact with me. It really showed just how different I was from everyone else and them acting otherwise was like a slap in the face. Andria didn't know anything about me, not anything substantial. Maybe she knew that everything was so hard, yeah, maybe she knew that my life was crappy but she didn't know how things were before.

She didn't and she wouldn't and we were all sitting here now, her trying to come up with different conversation topics that weren't as heavy. I was staring down at my plate and Jade's eyes were on the side of my face now, glaring holes into my temple.

I'd like to think that my dad couldn't tell something was off, it gave some semblance of hope. Maybe he was pursuing this new family and he was so blinded that he really didn't realize how terrible everything was. I tried to give him that benefit.

"Do you miss Michigan?" That was Andria again, her eyes looking thoughtful yet hesitant.

"Sometimes." Shrugging, I busied myself with eating, hoping that she'd catch the hint that I wasn't necessarily looking for conversation, especially not about how much I missed home when she'd made a home within my home.

Did I miss Michigan? I didn't know but I knew that the bad memories existed in both Michigan and California but my family was here... my support system was here.

Maybe I missed Michigan more than I thought.

Sensing my lack of interest in engaging with Andria, my sister reciprocated with hostility of her own, "You could try a little harder." Jade grumbled pushing the food on her plate around a little aggressively.

"Jade, don't."

The only person in the room that still had a relaxed posture was Kenan, twirling his fork in his spaghetti. He looked so carefree and I was trying not to leave on the spot.

Thankfully, Jade's comment meant that there wouldn't be many questions but now everyone's attention was on me. I wanted to respond, I did, but the lack of effort really shown through then. They knew it, they just didn't have the guts to say it.

But I didn't care.

"What?" Eyes flickering over at my dad, she crossed her arms. I could see Andria tensing, sitting up slightly. Jade kept the annoyance in her tone, looking back at me and I saw the same hostility that was in them earlier that day. "He's not even trying-"

Andria was smiling, it less genuine than the last and she tried to keep the peace. "It's fine." Her voice was understanding, the rest of the dinner playing out even more awkwardly than I'd envisioned.

: : :

Within minutes of dinner ending, Kenan ran up the stairs, abandoning his plate on the table. I could hear the sound of a video game starting up in the guest room, he'd probably paused it on the way down. Grabbing at his plate, I stifled a laugh as I stacked it on top of mine and made my way into the kitchen, Andria carrying the rest.

"I got it." She offered when I went to wash the dishes, soft smile on her face and I felt the need to apologize for how dinner had ended.

Nodding, I tried to smile in return, it was weak. I was exhausted and I wasn't sure if it was from my flight or if it was just my normal setting. Leaving the kitchen, I hurried past my dad on his way in, jogging up the steps and heading to my room.

Jade's door was ajar as I passed, peering in, I'd seen her scrolling on her phone. Knocking lightly on the door to catch her attention, I stepped into the door, glancing around. Her room was clean, it was organized now, definitely more put together than before and I wondered just how much it reflected her.

"Your room looks nice."

"Andria helped." She snorted, not looking up at me and I fought a smile, she was so annoying. "You know if you stopped being an asshole, she'd help you too."

She only called me names when she was trying to seem angrier than she actually was.

Laughing, I went to sit on her bed, looking around. They did a good job placing plants everywhere, the curtains finally matched the carpet, and she had a desk now with large mirror and all her makeup splattered across. This room felt more like it fit this new Jade and I was kind of glad the attitude stayed, I'd miss it too much.

"What do you want?" Her voice was forcibly irritated and I could tell she was still trying to keep up this facade of anger. When I laughed again, she kicked at my back hard enough to push me to stand but not hard enough to hurt and she was sitting up. "Get off."

Moving to sit at the chair by her vanity, I spun around to face her, she couldn't stay mad for long. "What're you doing?" she'd asked.

The blank face she gave me then said it all and I figured I could annoy her enough that she'd drop the act.

"Stop that." She'd voiced, irritation coating it as I spun in her chair again and again.

When I ignored her, she huffed, flipping over to look away and I rolled myself to that side of her bed. And when she turned again, the other. Maybe I found enjoyment in it, the crinkle in her forehead was fairly amusing.

It was quiet for a second, her no longer reacting just when annoying her out of her anger was getting fun. I hadn't done it in years, since coming out, our sibling dynamic had drastically changed. She used to be mean, irritable, used to pick at me over dinner and we'd fight.

We used to argue like this all the time... used to hate each other's guts on purpose and maybe it was a weird thing to celebrate but since coming out, everyone in my life treated me like I was breakable. And maybe she was right, maybe it was because everything had been about me.

Jade was the only one who really stayed constant and thinking about the fact that this attitude she had reminded me so much of before, when everything was normal...

I couldn't help but fall back into the annoying older brother trope.

"Hey! I'm the one that should be angry with you." I pointed out when she flipped around for a third time, only giving me the satisfaction of flipping me off. And even with how mad I probably should've been, I realized that she's always been this mean.

Jade had a tendency of saying things that were sometimes a little too much and that was something I accepted. She could've at least given me the same curtesy.

"Really? You don't have anything better to do?"

But this trip wasn't supposed to start with her being mad and despite how upsetting what she had said was, she was still my little sister. And just as I needed to talk through my problems, I knew she had to as well.

"I do." Shrugging, I offered a peace without apologizing. "But I'd rather hang out with my stupid little sister."

Upon hearing how sappy it was, she groaned. "Ugh." And when I laughed again, I could hear her resolved whine.

"You know you didn't have to be such an asshole." I mocked, repeating what she'd said and I could visibly see her cracking.

I tried not to laugh, tried to sound serious enough but something in the way she tried to keep her face set in stone made me smile. "She probably thinks I hate her."

"You probably do."

Rolling my eyes, I reached out, pushing her hard enough she almost fell off her bed. Upon catching herself before falling, she'd turned to look at me and sat up with a glare. Tightening her ponytail, she sighed heavily before muttering out an apology.

"I can't hear you."

Huffing again, she crossed her arms and threw a tart, "I'm sorry," my way. Shaking her head when I didn't accept it, she continued. "what I said was really nasty and I shouldn't have said any of that."

And she shouldn't have, especially not what she'd said about Paul but I knew there was a reason, that she could still tell I was lingering on him even after I'd seen him before. It was based in worry, everything she said was, worry and a bit of resentment for all the attention I'd taken from her.

Deciding to put her out of her misery, I nodded.

"You were upset... I've said worse."

I thought about past arguments, how after the situation with Calum I'd said some pretty hurtful things to her and I never really apologized. I never apologized for how I handled anger in the moment because I'd always assumed Jade could handle a few harsh words. But she was still my little sister, she shouldn't have had to.

"You're mean when you're sad, Jules." And she'd shrug it off every time, I had to give her the same curtesy.

Smiling softly, I continued, hoping it would be enough. "I'm sorry that I didn't call."

And she was good at letting me talk through the problems, knowing I needed some time to think about what I was saying before I said it. She always had a knack for knowing when and when not to give me space. "You were right." About one thing, at least. "I haven't talked to you.. about anything in a long time."

"Why haven't you?"

"I don't know... You didn't call?" I shrugged, knowing that was the best explanation I had. "That's not on you, I didn't either but- I just- I wasn't in a good place." I hadn't been in a good place in so long, I forgot what it felt like. Being home, this was the first time I'd actually smiled in months, that was enough to keep me slightly exposed.

And it was comforting, Jade's presence somehow always was. She always had my back, even if that meant pushing me forward a few times.

It was quiet for a bit as I tried to recollect my thoughts. Maybe sadness was just giving me a break for an hour or two because it was back, biting me, looming back over me as soon as I thought of it. I tried to find the words, them dancing around behind closed eyelids, tears threatened to push at the rim.

"I'm sick, Jade."

It was the first time in a while that I admitted it to myself... that my problem was serious, that I needed constant treatment or else I would lose it. I'd lost it too often and maybe it was walking back into the place that every issue stemmed from or Wren's constant reassuring texts but I was finally looking at the situation with some clarity.

Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I went to curl my hand around my missing necklace for comfort, hand flattening on my chest when it wasn't there and the realization came harsh like a gritty punch in the stomach.

The warmth of her hand on my wrist helped, the fact that she was here did too and I could tell by the hesitance of her touch, she was wondering how I'd worked myself up so quickly. My mood shift was drastic and I, myself, could barely keep up.

My heart was hammering, I could feel it in my fingertips as I pushed out a shaky sigh. "And it's-it's not gonna go away and I need to learn to deal with that." I tried not to think about the life I left disarrayed back in California. "And I-I-I know that and... and I know it's not an excuse for anything-"

Unexpectedly, I felt a weight crashing into me, my sister's arms wrapping around me. When she got up, I wasn't sure but she was pulling away, arms gripping my hands and yanking up to make me to stand. Hugging me close, she rested her head on my constricted chest.

Maybe she could hear the panic threatened at the edge of each of my words or see how hard I was pushing against it but she was holding me tightly, knowing what I needed. She stayed there, letting me even out my breathing, arms wrapped around her and chin resting on the top of her head.

And she didn't pull away until I did, wiping at her own teary eyes and she was smiling small. It was silent for a little until she'd suggested. "Wanna go to a movie?"

"I thought you wanted to talk."

Nodding, she thought about it for a second, knowing I would want to get out of the house even despite how tired I was. It was only nine and we still had a lot to catch up on. "Bowling?"

: : :

The local bowling alley was pretty much packed at nine on a Friday night but we were able to secure a lane quicker than I thought. Jade went to pick out some snacks as I plugged in the names, picking the ball I wanted.

My phone buzzed, I moved a little too fast.

wren: my fam acc suuuuucks

jules: huh?

"So, how are things with Wren?" That was the question she decided to ask mid-bowl. Rolling my eyes, I concentrated on the task at hand. I kind of expected the prying, she couldn't go two seconds without asking about boys, something that became glassily obvious when Paul and I first broke up.

Maybe me being gay reignited some longing she had for a sister or maybe it was the fact that I'd openly talked to her before but she had gotten the idea that I was completely comfortable letting her know all the gory details of my love life... or lack thereof.

How were things with Wren?

"We're friends." I'd offered, it seemed simple enough. Despite how opposed I was before, he'd now seen me at such a low point in my life that ignoring him just felt cruel. He was a friend, a good one at that and I liked it that way.

"Mhm." Her tone insinuated something more and I didn't blame her, last she heard Wren was only a fuck-buddy minus the buddy, describing him as a friend now seemed like I was watering it down.

We hadn't slept together in at least a month now and he helped me through a panic attack, I think that qualified as a friend.

"Shut up," I threw back, watching the ball roll to the pins, knocking all but three down, "what about Caspar? How's that going?" I'd asked as I waited for my ball to circle back around.

Jade frowned, aggressively ripping off a piece of her pretzel. "He's been acting weird."

She didn't elaborate until I was aiming again, crouching down to approach and bowl. "I don't know, we were hanging out the other day and he was so preoccupied with his phone... He's never on his phone, and I swear he has an Instagram now."

"Caspar?" That seemed a little radical.

"Exactly." Rolling her eyes, she stood, walking over to me and snorting when I still missed one pin. "Mr. Social media is a governmental agenda to desensitize the masses is out here taking selfies."

"Maybe he's trying to be more social."

Shivering, she turned the ball in her hands a few times, hip bumping me out the way before moving to bowl a strike, not even a second's hesitation. "I don't know but it's creeping me out." She'd offered, standing up straight as the ball rolled straight towards the pins.

When all the pins fell over, she fist pumped with her eyes closed as if reveling in a foreseen victory. I smacked my teeth, stifling a smile when she shot finger guns my way, barreling back to her seat to kick her feet back up.

"Will said it's nothing to be worried about, to be honest, so I'm not buggin'."

"Buggin?" That was new.

"Hey, I got new lingo." She giggled, it getting louder and turning into short barks of laughter when I rolled a gutter ball. "You absolutely suck, by the way."

Retreating in resignation, I remembered why I never really bowled in the first place. She was right, I sucked.

wren: my sister had a baby, and my dad just started screaming about pronouns and gay this gay that.

wren: straight men be so worried about dick!

jules: im sorry

Plopping down beside her, I reached over to steal some nachos from a bowl she'd been nursing. Tilting it my way she shrugged at the surprise etched across my face. Pushing them towards me, she stood, skipping over the the aisle, her eyebrows wiggling back at me and she proceeded to kick my ass.

wren: it's ok, he's just jealous xx

wren: how's things w your dad?

: : :

Giving up halfway through the second game, we made our way to the arcade extension of the alley. Jade had a plastic cup full of quarters and a I trailed behind, sipping on a Gatorade. Following behind her, she started up a game of air hockey.

"How is college... really?" Her voice was curious and I briefly considered lying. It's fine was always my automatic answer, it completely false almost every single time. But I had no real reason to keep this from her when I'd already told her enough to counteract any lie I could have told.

"Honestly?" I'd asked, her distracted head nod pushing me to answer. "I think I should've took a gap year."

"Why?"

Shrugging, I answered, "So I could get a handle on things, you know?" Her game was lacking now and I knew she was looking at me. If we made eye contact, I would've brushed it off so I kept my eyes downcast, concentrating enough that she defocused. "Should've gave myself time with everything that happened senior year."

Jade reiterated exactly what Benji had asked before and I was starting to understand how they saw me. Where I saw fragility, they saw resilience and something in that gave me confidence. "So what are you gonna do?"

What am I gonna do? I didn't think I could do two more years in Cali, not when I got this low this fast. The coach probably wouldn't even take me back, Danny probably was happy I'd left because he wouldn't have the lingering suspicion that I'd kill myself in our dorm.

Jade was biting her tongue now, eyes on the board, the pace of the game had slowed and I knew she was giving me time to think it over.

I didn't think I could go back, honestly, not once I told Dad. "I'm think I'm gonna move back home."

I didn't miss the excitement in her voice then, her looking up at me with bright, green eyes glimmering. "Yeah?" At my nod, she smiled, it stretching across her entire face, cheeks still rosy from all the laughing we'd done that night. I missed her more than I thought I did.

A/N:

This was kind of a filler set for some character development because I love character development so much. I also love Kenan.

Prepare yourselves for the next chapter because it will be a whirlwind.

Updated: Wednesday, September 4th.

What is your opinion on soulmates?

(Personally, I think we can have multiple soulmates and they are not all necessarily romantic, your best friend can be your soulmate, maybe your grandma can...)