[Don't Panic by Years and Years]

FOUR: when you let go of limits.

Tight, curly hair fanned out over my pillow, slim, freckled shoulder peeking out of a white duvet. I tried to close my eyes.

I did, I tried to sleep the night prior but something about our conversation had kept me up, that and finishing a bottle next to Isaiah. I got giggly for a few hours, passed out on the couch but woke with a start around six am.

I hated sleeping alone.

Rilee was more than welcoming, really, I wasn't sure how I stayed mad at her in the first place. She'd stirred for a second, groggy and moved to pull me closer.

And she knew without any words.

She'd tucked herself into my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around my torso. My best friend had always been good at that, when she heard me breathing a little too hard, nights when we shared a room.

YouTube trips where we shared a room, even road trip motels at the beginning before we'd started making any money.  She'd slip into bed beside me and hug me until early morning mourning turned to subtle slumber.

In those moments, Rilee was my best friend, she was the best friend I had.

She'd turned over, onto her other side, manicured hands laced together and wedged underneath her head. Her bun was perched on one side from all the turning she'd done and it was somewhat amusing.

She offered a small, closed mouth smile.

I reciprocated and we sat like that for a minute.

Since my workload had lifted from LightofDay, I'd slept more often than before. Waking up was always easy for me, when I wasn't extremely busy the night before. I realized a lot in those days between sheets with Julian that I was a morning person.

I'd wake up, and my eyes would trace the contours of his face. There was something innocent about him then. He looked so angelic when he slept, so content and it was a welcomed break from the pain he always endured.

That was something he called weird when he'd woken up one day, laughing in my gaze. And in less romantic words, he told me that I sounded like a serial killer.

But there was melody in the way birds chirped in the morning, there was a soft song playing in my head when I saw him, when I woke up and re-realized that I'd be able to wake up to him every day. I brushed my fingertips over his freckled skin, smiling small and wished him good morning.

He'd purse his lips demanding to be kissed and fall back asleep in seconds.

The memory was heartbreaking at times, remembering anything about him normally was but at that moment, it felt calming.  It was fondly, at least, that much I knew. I remembered disguising my admiring because the way he loved was often in nervous jokes, nervous laughing.

The way he loved me sometimes was so hesitant because he hadn't loved himself much and I knew.

Rilee stirred for a second, turning to her back. More light peaked in through my curtains, illuminating her skin, she kept her eyes closed though it was obvious she was awake and I could tell where this was going.

Her voice was softer then, like she knew that she caught me in the middle of a memory. "How long have you been up?"

"Not long."

She hummed, it somewhat methodical. Something about Rilee that drove me up the wall was her calculating nature. She could always read the situation, could always read the people around and it was often scary.

"Can't sleep?"

I nodded.

Landon said it was cause her rising was Pisces, I said it was cause she was absolutely insane.

"I'm sorry." She spoke, it breathy. Remorse clotted in her words as if she had anything to really feel bad about. And I knew her words the day before were with good intent.

I turned to my back, it was only around seven that much was obvious and I felt tired still. I had so much to do, I always did, it would keep me moving.

"You were just trying to help." I laughed a little, trying to lighten my tone. "I've been getting offended really easily."

Her eyes blew wide. "Oh, really?"

"Fuck you." There was still a laugh in my voice, it more genuine this time and Rilee smiled, blinking brown eyes up at me.

Sitting up, I pressed my back against my pillows, sighing. And then I was reaching to play with the ring on my finger, realizing it wasn't there in seconds. It was a habit I'd gained from Julian, something so subtle and I tried not to think of him again.

"I-I kinda flipped out on Izzy last night too." The conversation was heavier now, and I hated that. I hated how easy it was to feel this way. "I haven't been all that kind recently."

And I knew what was coming before she even asked it. Something in me felt guilty for using Abuelita's pain as an excuse, feeling so bad and seeking comfort over something that I wasn't personally going through.

I wasn't the one with cancer.

"How is she?"

It was nervous, the question, it always was. With all of them really, they'd known of her battle since the diagnosis. "Better." And compared to how it was before, her quality of life definitely was better.

Or at least, that was what the doctor said when breast cancer spread to her brain. She didn't want the mastectomy, unmoved on her decision that cancer had taken a lot but it wouldn't take her womanhood.

I tried to tell her that the extra fat on her chest or lack thereof meant nothing in hindsight. She'd laughed at my insistence that she'd still be a woman if it was gone. An alive woman, at that but she said that I wouldn't understand.

And I didn't, I couldn't understand what being a woman was. And I didn't get why it was more important to her to die with breasts than being at my wedding. Maybe I resented her for putting physical beauty above her health, above us.

But I knew that it would shorten her life by years.

She didn't want any more chemo, she'd fought long enough. They agreed that this was best, that her suffering was unnecessary and inhumane.

Better quality of life. That's what they said when she was forced back to the hospital due to intense pain and they'd decided an induced coma was best.

And I would have believed it. I would have but how could I when I knew how adamant she was about her wish to die in her and Abuelito's bed... The woman she was with him.

Even with my mother assuring this was best, we'd all said our goodbyes. She wasn't suffering and she'd go by natural causes, and Pete was still spending weekends on the couch in her hospital room.

It would hit him first, and it would hurt worse than any pain. My words came out heavy and stuttered. But truly, it sounded worse than it was, she welcomed death. My abuelita was strong, she was devoted to her faith. "They-they gave her... a sedative, she's been in a coma f-for two weeks."

We'd prepared a wake so prematurely.

"Paul, I'm so sorry."

"She's not in any pain." And I couldn't breathe. My throat was closed up, my eyes screwed shut and I tried to hold myself together. I didn't want to talk about it.

Rilee got that, instead reaching forward to brush some hair off my forehead and she was gesturing me in. "Come on."

"This is already a bit too intimate."

But still, I settled into outstretched arms, pushing back an anger that I wasn't justified to feel.

: : :

Some gritty song was playing over speakers, bodies pressed against each other. My fingers stayed locked with Rilee's as she dragged me through the crowd. The music was loud, the vibration of the base pulsating through my body, I squeezed by bodies shining under multicolor lights.

Isaiah's smile was actually absolutely beautiful. He was grinning, pushing a tab onto his tongue and he offered me one. More like placed it in my hand, Rilee jittering beside me, I stared down at the pale pink tab, it looked like candy.

"What's this?"

"Molly."

And that didn't sound like a good idea. "I'm good." I didn't remember the last time I'd tried Molly, maybe Cali, I wasn't sure but I knew it always made me way, way too sexual.

And Rilee was plucking the tab from my hand, "I'll take it." It was in her mouth in seconds and Isaiah's face lit up.

Rolling my eyes at their excitement, I laced my fingers in my best friend's. Thankfully, she would be off my case for the night, after a brief conversation about how much she cared about me that morning, she didn't even bat an eyelash when Isaiah asked if we wanted to go out.

And she hadn't said much about anything but she neglected the offer to pregame.

She was smiling over at me all glittery eyelids and glossy lips.

"You look pretty," I'd offered a smile.

She shook her head, teasing now. There was a glint in her eyes and I rolled mine. "Don't flirt with me, it's too intimate."

I feigned shock. "I thought we were platonic life partners."

"Mhm, baby, and don't you forget it." There was a laugh in her throat and she was rocking her hips to some new pop song.

It was still early in the night when we decided to go out, and the bar he worked at was 18 and up until midnight. The music was still light, the dance floor emptying out before our crowd would've shuffled in.

But I missed clubbing. And Isaiah was already a bit drunk when he called our Uber, saying he heard of some speakeasy near downtown.

We'd ended up ditching that idea after arriving, the only people there tech dudes and the indie film crowd. We'd beelined to the club he worked at instead.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks."

"Mkay, Barkeep."

Her eyes were lingering on Iz, long legs striding to the bar. Something in me knew I was playing with fire. "You're drooling."

And my best friend looked over at me, jutting her hip out in a skin tight black dress, an asymmetrical slit exposed her toned stomach, the dress leaving everything else to the imagination and she truly did look stunning.

I hated to admit that I was a bit jealous. She was a pro at being effortlessly sexy and Isaiah couldn't keep his eyes off of her all night but that was what I wanted, wasn't it?

Her hair was down, she never wore it down, maroon curls picked out, a side tucked behind her ear. I'd say she was trying to impress Isaiah but truthfully, she was always so put together.

And she was twining an arm around my neck, pulling me closer.

"You can't blame me for a magnificent magnetic attraction." She rolled her eyes jokingly, twirling my hair around her fingers, she scrunched her button nose then moving to rest her head on my shoulder and I wondered if the Molly was already sinking in.

"And he's a photographer? I would climb him like a tree, Picasso."

I wanted to ask if she'd eaten that day but she always made to sure call me out on my tendency to behave like someone's father. If Jules said it often, Rilee said it more. She told me I needed to start putting myself first.

"I'm sorry, do you like him?" And her eyes were wide, probably taking my silence for something else and she frowned. "I should've asked."

"I don't."

"Are you sure?"

And, although, I appreciated how much she actually cared for my feelings, it was kind of annoying. I wouldn't have said if was okay if it wasn't.

It wasn't like I was in the space to even think of dating again. "He's all yours."

"Oh, baby, I wish."

But the way she was hyping him felt a bit too extreme and I felt myself laughing. "He's really not that cute."

Rilee could see straight through my lies, and she rolled her eyes in response.

"Okay so I know you're like legally blind or whatever, Reese Witherspoon—"

"Shut up."

We were both laughing a little more and it sunk in just how much I missed her. She was giggling, falling into me a bit, she held her finger up as if to tell me to hold on.

"But," and she was still laughing, it intertwined in her words, she pressed her finger to my lips, "but, you can't act like that's not one of the most gorgeous men you've ever seen in your life." And she was pointing in the direction he'd disappeared.

"God took his time and now you live with Adonis."

"So, we're not worried about B anymore?"

She rolled her eyes.

"He's fucking prestigious Emma Watson types and this Brazilian won't go to waste."

I wasn't sure why the dj was playing smooth jams, something so funky but it felt like a decade shift, it felt a lot like the music Isaiah played and I'd never been to this club but he frequented.

He had a round of shots in his large hands, sitting them on the table we'd staked as our territory.

His hips were rocking, so much soul in just that. Isaiah could dance, maybe it was his background in competition or maybe it was just the fact that he could feel the beat but I always enjoyed going dancing with him.

He knew good places, he was cultured and knew how to keep me on my toes and he was so, so carefree. That was something I missed, I missed the spontaneity of being in LightofDay. Being so secluded with the love of my life had made me more passive.

And I didn't have that lust for life that Isaiah had, it was clear.

He looked so good then, so sexy and free and genuinely having a good time, the song had shifted to something more old school.

"Okay guys, what are we drinking to? Hm..." Rilee seemed to ponder that for a second as if it were so important. Isaiah looked up, biting his lip and squinting his eyes in concentration.

"To Brighton..." he offered, nodding when it stuck, "it sucks but I met some cool people."

"Weak." She offered but still she was licking salt off the back of her hand and taking the shot.

I followed suit, it warming my chest and my best friend made a sour face, squeezing a lemon slice past glossy lips. She shook her head after, "I fucking hate Patrón."

Isaiah nodded, "Gets you fucked up though," and I couldn't really relate. I'd been getting fucked up off cheap Tequila since I was 14, I was used to the taste.

My best friend threw her head back though.

"God, I missed Michigan."

Isaiah laughed at that. His curls were cropped a bit, diamond studs glimmering under strobe lights. His sternum tattoo was by deep wine-colored, unbuttoned silk, the red 19 tattooed over his wrist was covered by a watch, 95 on the other showing, rings over tattooed fingers.

And he smelled amazing.

"You missed Michigan?"

"Uh-yes," her eyes blew wide as if his question was stupid. "Dutch rap fucking sucks." And Isaiah was laughing, they seemed to be laughing a lot at what each other had to say. "I spent two months in Amsterdam and almost clawed my fucking ears off."

"Why'd you go?"

"Needed a change." She shrugged. "And my ex moved to Britain so, I figured..."

He was chuckling again, resting his elbow on the table and they were becoming very comfortable for people that hadn't spoken before. "You figured you'd move to The Netherlands?"

"I figured I'd find a sweet little Dutch boy and we'd live in a cottage and I'd start a garden and shit."

Isaiah laughed.

"No, honestly? I just wanted to explore somewhere I've never been."

He nodded and it kind of felt like I was interrupting. "You do a lot of traveling?"

"I go with the wind."

: : :

It started with Tequila shots.

My arms were in the air one second, I'd been tossing back shots and dancing to upbeat music. I was singing along to a song I didn't know that well and I felt so fucking good.

I hadn't felt this good in so long, just rocking my hips to a beat in pure ecstasy. I wasn't a sad drunk, everything felt so blown out of proportion for that exact reason. I could always hold my liquor.

And everything would be going so good until it wasn't. Everything in my life would suddenly feel so much easier to manage, to get through. Jules was good at keeping me on my shit.

Having obligations bigger than me helped in the long run but assignments were overflowing and my life was falling into a never ending cycle of things happening that I couldn't control.

And I didn't want to care anymore.

There was a heavy edm beat pulsing through my body, lights flashing colors and sweaty bodies pressed against mine. I missed bar hopping, we'd changed clubs at around 2am with the fizz at his place died down.

Izzy knew the bouncer, he always seemed to know everyone in Detroit.

Rilee's lips were soft and I was starting to understand why everyone was always so entranced by how much sex appeal she had. Dainty hands curled into my hair, we were making out on the dance floor.

I wasn't sure how it started, or who's idea it was. It wasn't born of attraction, that much was a given but I hadn't been kissed in a while.

And my hands were tugging at an hourglass, I could see why Jules was so attracted to her.

I felt heat in my lungs and my contacts were so dry but her hands were massaging that spot on my scalp and it sent shivers down my spine.

Euphoria brushed over me, eyes probably glazed over and Rilee was shaking her hips to the beat when she tugged away from me. My lips were left wet, a glossy sheen over them, all sticky and strawberry flavored. "Woah."

Isaiah stood starstruck, Rilee's giggling overlapping with mine and I felt so free. My kids stayed low contrasting my best friend's wide eyes; I wasn't sure why she looked so excited but she was bouncing on her toes and it brought a warmth to my chest.

"Oh my God, I fucking love you."

"I fucking love you."

"You smell so good!" The club was so loud, she was yelling, red hair still so windswept and she held onto my arms to keep stable. Her words were so chipper and she gasped. "We haven't done this since Rome."

I wasn't sure if she meant the partying or making out, honestly, our Rome trip felt like a blur.

But that was somehow the funniest thing I'd heard all day and I was laughing through a wide smile, gripping her arms as well.

God, she was so pretty.

"You're so pretty!"

And the bass was so loud, we'd both been screaming, dilated eyes hyper focused on each other and I wanted another shot.

She was grinning now. "Really?" And I was dead serious because my head was nodding vigorously and she was scrunching a button nose. "I love you."

"What the hell is going on?" I didn't even remember Isaiah until he'd spoken up. Hazel eyes were smiling, a confused look on his face and, really, what was it with every single person around me being so fucking attractive?

I was singing a song that I honestly didn't know the words to and Isaiah was rambling about music and EDM's origins and something so insanely minut in the minute and all I could think of was how good he looked.

He was always talking about something, in that moment, I decided I loved it. It kept people entranced and he was actually so fucking hot.

Maybe it was cause I was drunk, I never really knew what was a good idea when my blood alcohol level was reaching intoxication but I was biting my lip, his eyes were on mine and I wanted him on his knees.

"Pablo's a good kisser." That was Rilee, her dainty hand tapping at my chest and my eyes caught onto Isaiah's bare chest.

And, fuck, was he absolutely gorgeous.

"You should kiss him." It was giggly and faint but it felt like a thought of my own.

I wasn't sure how it turned to me kissing Isaiah so quickly. A large arm wrapped it's way around my waist with ease. I could feel the beat in my chest, vibrating through him, Rilee was babbling about lights I was sure, her hip brushing against mine and she was raking manicured nails over my shirt and down my back.

And Isaiah's mouth was wet, his hands pressed my hips into his. He was kissing so intensely. His beard scratched against my chin in such a good way, my fingers twining together at the base of his neck.

I rocked my hips into his, his large hand pressed against my lower back, his rings cooling off warm skin.

A moan ripped its way through my throat, his body suffocating, swallowing mine. I was so fucking lightheaded and he was amazing at this. He was holding the back of my neck with his other hand, keeping me to him. Something about how he kissed scared me.

He was kissing my neck, nosing at the spot that sent shivers up my spine when I tugged away slowly.

Pushing my hips back, I tried to control myself.

I needed to keep my head on, I needed some fucking water. The way he was looking at me felt too much like late wine-drunk nights and I didn't want to fuck him again.

"Don't be shy now." His hand was brushing against my chin, keeping my eyes on his and something about that made me feel so goddamn small.

Rilee clapped her hands loudly, gaining my attention.

"Okay, threesome time." She sang it to a tune, dancing to the beat and a shot glass hung from her fingertips. I wasn't sure when she got it but she was shooting it back without even  and drunk Rilee was dangerous.

"You've had a bit too much to drink, huh?"

Isaiah was grinning now, eyes on the redhead and I was able to pull myself away. My best friend wrapped her arm around my shoulder, tugging me into her side and she was rocking so much, I struggled to keep my balance for a second.

And it was hilarious.

I felt so fucking good.

"It's jus' platonic kisses," she was shrugging. "I kiss all my friends, I'd kiss you if you wanted."

"Only with consent." I pointed out jokingly but her face turned so serious and she nodded. It felt almost like she was looking right into me then.

Her voice was softer for a second, always was, eyes turned a bit somber and she offered a small smile, hand curling gently around my neck.

"Only with consent."

The song changed then, some reggae beat building and Rilee was catching onto it so quickly. "Oh my god, I love this song." Her body bouncing to a more hip hop sound, Isaiah jumping in quickly and they were rapping in each other's faces in seconds.

The bartender looked up when I made my way over, not feeling this beat as much as the last. My shirt was sticking to my skin, hair sweaty and pressed to my forehead, I slid my card onto the bar.

I never wore makeup but the blush Rilee brushed over my cheeks and the highlight made my face feel indescribably heavy, I was sure my skin was now so intensely red and wet. I was sweaty from all the dancing, my mouth was dry.

My chin was pressed into my palm and my heart rate was returning to normal. "Rum and Coke." She nodded, my arms wrapping around myself as I leant on the bar.

It was getting really late by then and I could feel nerves building up replacing previous euphoria. I licked over dry lips, trying to ignore the guy to my left that had made it his mission to stare. He wasn't that memorable, that much was obvious because I hadn't even noticed he was there.

And now that I did, he would make it his mission to get me in his bed. I could feel his eyes raking over my body before he even spoke.

"You're very beautiful."

I offered a smile, a polite "thank you," when the bartender slid over my drink and card. I placed her tip on the table.

And I was ready to make my way back over to the group but they were a bit further than anticipated now. The man beside me was breathing down the side of my neck and I was hot. His body heat was way too close to me.

I licked at my lips, palms starting to sweat and I offered a tight smile.

"Have I seen you before?"

"I don't... I don't think so." He looked about thirty, blonde hair, blue eyes. Generic and burly with a deep Chicago accent and he was asking questions.

"New to town?"

It would've been rude to leave, he hadn't done anything. He didn't say anything wrong, I could be normal and relax for once. I hadn't been out in ages and he was... kind of cute.

And I was drunk, the walk back to my friends felt too far for me to make.

I was too fucking drunk and my breath caught in my throat at the realization. It was so instant and random how uncomfortable I was. I hated how easily I felt unsafe in my own skin, how quickly it was that my mood could shift and the decisions I made felt like they didn't make sense anymore.

And I swallowed past a lump in my throat, eyes burning. I was so angry with myself and it felt sad. I wondered how sad I looked. I wondered how sad Jules was, if his sadness felt different.

If when he was sad, it hurt even more because he didn't know why it was.

There was a lump in my throat, maybe I should call him. "I-I just... I don't go out that much." And I wanted to leave this drink here, I did.

But something in me knew that I'd feel better once I finished it. I'd feel better a bit more light, I'd make my way back over to Rilee and dance with her until we all collectively made the decision to make our way back to the apartment.

And we'd probably put on some music of our own and order food and everything would be okay.

So I was sipping on my drink, reminding myself that I wasn't that helpless kid anymore. I was on alert and I could protect myself... and my friends wouldn't let anything happen to me. Not again.

"You should come out more, I'm sure we could have some fun."

"I have a boyfriend."

He was laughing at that, shrugging like it was funny. "Me too."

And that was even more of a turn off, I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a joke.

Bar guy was asking questions, I wasn't listening until I felt his fingers brush up against my arm.

"You live around here?"

"Yeah." Make sure they know you know the area. "Yeah, I live in the area."

"Why don't we go to yours?"

"I came with someone." Make sure they know someone is looking for you.

His brows raised.

"My-my boyfriend, he works here." And when I went to point in Isaiah's direction, hoping a large man would scare this guy off... his hips were gyrating against Rilee's, some Donna Summer remix playing somehow it had slowed down but the energy stayed up tempo.

It was still so loud and my heart was racing against my own volition. The guy must've picked up on my lack of excuse because he was leaning closer.

"Then why are you sitting next to me?"

"You know, you look young. How old are you?"

My eyes were glazed over, memory shot. The man in front of me was larger, his voice deep, I was sure he was good looking in a drunken haze. He was charming, had to be go get me to sit with him that long.

At least, that's what I told myself. I wouldn't have put myself in the situation if I could tell he wasn't normal.

Because he had to seem normal, right? I wasn't supposed to be able to tell that he was a monster at first glance.

He'd already bought me three drinks by the time the conversation turned creepy.

I kept my head down, eyes on the bar and I was trying to figure out why my vision was so blurry. Every alarm was going off then, my body was screaming at me to be cautious but truthfully, I was already way past my limits when I'd sat down.

I knew that standing wouldn't be the best option.

"Twenty two." That's how old Nic was. He was twenty-two, I was seventeen and something about him cheating on me made so much sense when I remembered that.

I was so sure that I loved him.

I tried not to cry, it still felt fresh, my heart still raced thinking of him and I hated how much finding that girl in his apartment hurt. It felt like my heart was torn out of my chest.

He lied so much, and after he was caught, he still comforted her instead of his boyfriend of a year.

He still went to reassure her that he wanted her when I was packing my shit.

And she was wearing my shirt. She was fucking my man in my fucking bed... in my shirt. All of a sudden the tequila shot in front of me felt like a good idea. No chaser, it burned going down.

I could feel a finger brushing against my arm, sending a shiver up my spine.

"You're lying, Doll." He was leaning closer. I still remembered what he smelled like, I heard his voice in my nightmares. "What are you, 18? It's hot, don't worry."

"'M twenty-two." I asserted, not liking how persistent he was being.

He huffed, almost as if it wasn't satisfying enough for him and I was tripping over my feet when I hopped from the barstool. I tried to keep my balance, offering a tight smile.

"It was-it was nice meeting you."

"Oh you're not going anywhere yet, sweetheart." A sweaty hand was curled around my wrist and he was trying to be charming through clenched teeth. It was obvious how sure he was that he'd get me in his bed.

My breath caught in my throat.

"Don't touch me." I was shaking my head, shaking my wrist. The bartender was barely giving any attention. No one was watching.

He'd leant in, warm breath on my neck and something about that terrified me, he was grabbing at my hips with a tight grip.

"You should come back to mine, we could have some fun."

"I'm good." And the man beside me was smiling as if he didn't believe me. He bit his lip and he was still checking me out. "Really, thanks for the drink."

"I don't bite, beautiful."

"You think you're too good, pretty boy?" Dark eyes were on mine, light hair, pale skin. I remembered that he looked like a normal person. He looked so generic through drunk goggles and I couldn't remember anything past that.

It was like he was a shadow, like a nightmare, like he didn't actually exist.

"I really should be going, my friends are probably looking for me."

And his voice was weirdly sensual. Like he were playing a game. "Don't be a tease now, Doll." Fingers were on my hipbones, caressing the skin there.

I knew then how much I didn't want him to touch me.

But I still couldn't see and maybe it was my eyes being watery because of fear, over contacts and my vision was fucking blurry. His hand were moving to the front of my pants, dipping into the waistband.

"Please don't touch me." I was pulling myself away, tapping the bar, getting the bartender's attention. "Could I-could I have a water?"

Sipping over fresh water, it cooled me going down and I could relax a bit, catch my breath.

The bartender's voice was soft and the man had disappeared.

"You alright?"

"Yeah-yes." I was fine, now. It almost felt like what had happened before didn't actually happen. There was no trace. I nodded and maybe my drunk mind thought I'd imagined it, maybe I thought I was safe. "I-I've gotta go meet my friends."

"Hey." Isaiah was snapping in my vision when he got to me. I wasn't sure what had happened but I was sitting on a barstool and he was shifting vision from me to the bartender. "Hey, Paul, you good?"

My lips were dry and my throat was raw when I sucked in a breath. I could feel tears on my face and I breathed out a shaky sigh. My hands were shaking.

"Yeah." I sucked in another breath. "Yeah, I-I'm fine... uh—"

"You got it?" That was the bartender, her worried eyes fanning over me. She was sliding a water over the bar, Isaiah grabbing it instantly and offering it to me.

I took it in shaking hands. I didn't understand why I felt so weak.

"Yeah- yeah, he's just a bit drunk." Isaiah reassured, brushing wet hair off my forehead. He was holding the bottom of the glass for stability and the concern on his face read differently. "Thanks, KJ."

"I'm okay, Iz."

He was shaking his head though, adamant about my state. "You're pale, you look like you're gonna be sick, come on drink some more." He was pushing it back to my lips. His free hand was grabbing some napkins, wiping sweat from my skin.

And he was always so patient with me, I really appreciated it in these moments.

Until it made me think of how he cleaned himself after sex, how he would try and clean me up as well. How when we showered together that one time, before we sated the lusty promise that was made when we stripped, he washed my body so carefully.

And he'd try to brush his fingers over my scar, he tried to ask about it. He always tried to care for me.

Plump lips were poured, brows furrowed, Isaiah offered a gentle half smile, close-lipped when I placed the glass back on the bar.

And his hands were on my knees, giving me time to say something... anything.

"What-" this felt odd, something about the exchange felt so off, "did I- did I do something?"

I hated how cautious I felt, and it was so obvious to me how much I didn't trust him. He was shaking his head though and maybe I was just too nervous.

"No." And Isaiah went to elaborate at the confused look I gave him. "No, I was just trying to talk to you and you were zoned out." He shrugged and he was moving back to allow me to step down. I did so slowly, testing the waters so I didn't stumbled "KJ said you were like that for like thirty seconds or so..."

His hand was in mine, guiding me as if I needed his help.

"Oh."

"Paul, are you okay?"

I hated that, I hated how worried he was for me, how easily his night turned dull.

"Can you ask Ri if she's ready?"

He was nodding instantly, kind eyes flickering back to KJ- presumably to ask her to keep an eye on me and then he was looking into my eyes again, his hazel ones full of worry.

"You wanna go?"

"Yeah."

"We have to call someone—" that was Rilee, her eyes boring into me. There was such anger in her voice and it was pissing me off. I was struggling to breathe and she was here as if she had something to be mad about.

And Brandon was sitting in front of me on this nasty floor, his eyes trying to catch mine. I felt so fucking broken.

And dirty, and ashamed and no one was speaking but everything felt so fucking loud. My chest hurt, my stomach hurt, this pain entrapped my entire body and I felt so fucking broken.

Rilee was speaking again, whipping out her phone. "I'm calling the fucking cops." And she was dialing the number, halting when my voice came out strong.

"What the fuck are the cops gonna do?"

It was the first thing I remember saying clearly.

"Paul..." Landon was looking at me with so much fucking pity. He was looking at me like I was a goddamn sob story. Everyone was looking at me like they didn't fucking know me and I hated it.

"No." The guy was long gone, there wasn't anything to be done. He didn't fuck me. He didn't get to touch me more than just rutting against me. I was still on my knees where he left me and I felt so fucking broken. "I-I wanna go home."

And my throat was sore from the crying, my heart felt like it was gonna stop beating, my best friends were still looking at me like I was a goddamn stranger.

"Pauly," Brandon's voice was gentle, small. His hand was tentatively grazing my knee and I met his eyes finally."Baby, we have to call the cops..."

He never called me that, he was never this soft but Brandon's voice held a silent plea and I didn't want to hear it.

"I wanna go home, B." Sobs were falling past my split lips, I looked a fucking mess and I was begging him to make it stop. "Please."

My body was shaking and I could barely catch my breath now and my best friend was standing on his knees now, tugging me to his chest. I clutched his body to mine, sobs wracking out and I hated how quickly I broke.

He held me there for a second, I was so goddamn fragile.

"Okay." And I barely heard it but he was kissing my hair now and I didn't know why I felt so okay with him touching me. Days later, that comfort would subside and I would eventually pull away. I wouldn't let him hug me for months after.

"Okay. We're gonna-we're gonna go home."

A/N:

My quarantine hobby is actually procrastinating.

How is everyone coping these days?

Updated: Tues. July 21st, 2020 | Wed. September 2nd

What's one everyday thing that you're grateful for?