[Wren; Rendezvous by Years &Years]

FIVE: when you attempt to forget.

Sleeping with Wren was fun normally, he was fun even if we didn't talk much but since Paul, it didn't feel the same. He was cool to fuck, that wasn't the problem but something about his hands on me made me feel slightly dirty and the fact that he didn't mind absolutely no real conversation was what normally got me... what had me consistently sleeping with him- the fact that I didn't have to work hard because he wasn't anything more than a quick fuck- it was now the reason I felt bad.

I was starting to regret starting this but even then, I couldn't stop calling him. I couldn't think about the severity of cutting ties with Paul when I was fucking someone else. I couldn't think of him at all because thinking about him hurt too much. I thought getting rid of the ring was supposed to help more than it did and... yeah it wasn't a constant reminder anymore, but now the last time I'd seen him was what kept me up at night.

I could still feel his fingertips on my skin, still feel an ache in my chest, the weight of that pain was still heavy and it had been weeks. My heart was broken, worse than it had ever been but for some reason, I was numb more than anything and that had to be the only thing that kept me solid. I had been in my depressive state, this same sadness for too long and I was trying to navigate a way out, even if that meant doing nothing at all. Numb was better than hurt, I was discovering.

My body felt sluggish, maybe it was all the extra hours in the gym these past weeks, I didn't want to give myself time to think, I didn't want time to myself because that only proved to be destructive. I couldn't be alone because that would fuck me up more so I was spending more time on cardio in and out of the gym, I was fucking Wren more often because of it... and spending more time inside him was giving the wrong idea, I was sure.

"You feelin' okay?" Wren's voice was soft, pulling me back and I hadn't realized that my hands were shaking. I hadn't realized that I wasn't okay until he'd asked and he seemed worried, even if he tried to hide it. It was something we didn't acknowledge, that even if we were fucking, if something was off, we noticed... we'd slept together so long that I could tell something was off when he didn't have the same chipper attitude, or when he didn't want prep, I knew there was something happening in his life even if I didn't acknowledge it.

But Wren wasn't like me, even if he didn't like me, he still tried to look out for me. That was weird.

"What?"

His voice was soft when challenged, he wasn't normally like that. Wren never had a problem with repeating himself, especially not when I was almost daring him to, he was a bottom but he was everything but submissive and I kind of liked that about him. He was never afraid to tell me when things were off, but now he was soft-spoken, he was dancing around me like I was fragile and that left a gritty taste in my mouth.

I didn't need someone to look out for me, I could handle myself but everyone around me had been worried and I was starting to think the problem was in me. Even when I wasn't hurting, I was still giving everyone the impression that I was, Danny had lingered back a little longer that morning before going out with his friends, making sure I was good even if he didn't say anything and Jade had called me twice a day now.

But I was fine, I was better than fine, I was doing okay and I didn't think about him anymore, I didn't need to.

So I rolled my eyes when he didn't respond and maybe that counteracted this little shy game we were playing because he'd looked down, releasing me and he was just standing in front of me now. He was in his lacy underwear and we were in his apartment, it had to be the second time I'd been there and almost naked, I felt even more self-conscious than normal. For some reason, we'd been in his living room and not his bedroom and I knew he had a roommate.

Maybe he didn't care but that felt a little odd to me, fucking in his living room, maybe that was because of Paul. Paul made sex meaningful but he never really took it anywhere other than the bed and maybe that was because we were traditional... at least, everything about our relationship was. We never fucked, it was never really spontaneous either but that had a lot to do with his past and my mental health and maybe I liked that everything with Wren was easy.

Everything with Paul was so emotion-driven, so perfect, I needed a bit of chaos to stay sane if that made any sense and I loved him, I did but I was so high-maintenance that he never got the attention he was craving... emotionally or sexually.

And our sex life was so plain compared to Wren.

The boy in front of me had sighed, maybe he'd finally worked up the courage to talk about what was bothering him but I was getting a bit bored with the whole talking thing. I didn't want to talk, not about my feelings so when he started, I knew it wouldn't end well. "I mean, you're normally distant but not this much." I had been quiet but he'd never really mentioned it but fucking someone and not hearing two real words out of them had to be slightly scary.

"Do you wanna talk about something?"

Did I? "No." He wasn't my therapist, I wasn't doing that anymore, maybe I needed to. "I-I'm fine, sorry." But I could handle it. I hadn't been too low, I was fine. I was over Paul, I was.

Maybe if I kept telling myself, it would be true. Maybe I could be over him like that and not have to feel this emptiness in me.

My fingertips were back on his waist then, nudging him closer in hopes he'd be satisfied with my response but still he stuttered. "You can go..." Sighing, I'd let him go fully, him grabbing my hands as I pulled away and he was looking at me in a way that completely contradicted his previous words. I was two seconds form leaving, knowing when I wasn't wanted, it felt like he was trying to get rid of me and honestly, it was probably best I left anyways.

I paused when he looked down, releasing me as if realizing that I wouldn't like it. But I had no intention of pushing him off, I was craving intimacy even if it wasn't good for me, even if I didn't like Wren.

He looked up at me then and I could see the sincerity in his sea-green eyes,"just... don't feel like you have to stay if you're not into it right now." And his words came out a bit slow, as if he were pacing himself so he didn't accidentally say the wrong thing but I appreciated every word. Wren was gentle and he seemed like he was understanding.

And I think that was the first time I'd felt human in a while, the first time I felt validated in so long and it was reassuring. "Thanks." He was as cautious as me and he cared, it was selfish of me to allow it but I didn't care.

"You're not leaving?"

I shook my head even if I had trouble catching my breath because leaving meant being alone again. I needed someone to tell me I wasn't a shitty person and him letting me touch him was comfort enough, he found me attractive and he didn't mind being around me.

He'd nodded short, taking my hands again and placing them on his waist. I felt myself sliding them further down, playing with the hem of his panties and his fingertips twirled strands of my hair and I'd kissed him. Pulling him closer, my hands had cupped his ass, hiking him up and he'd broke away to breathe throwing his head back and exposing more pale skin to keep my mouth busy. Grinding into me, he let out a soft whine and I could feel the metal of his anklet cool on the flushed skin of my lower back.

Wren spoke softly then, his voice broken and almost as soon as he'd asked, I'd sat him on his kitchen counter. "Fuck me on the counter?"

And his roommate was out of town visiting family, we wouldn't be interrupted...Maybe that's why I didn't mind staying.

: : :

It was so hard to tire Wren out that by the time we were done, I found myself more exhausted than he was. I'd been laying in his bed and I like to think that my bones feeling so heavy had everything to do with the fact that I was standing up 80% of the time but even when he wasn't adamant on trying new things, he could go four consecutive rounds without a sweat.

He was standing, stretching his bones when I contemplated burying myself in his bed. "We should fuck here more often," and those words felt too domestic for my taste and I regretted my comfort. Wren must've realized it, backtracking, "not saying your twin bed isn't charming but..."

"Yeah." I could do that, I could fuck here, it seemed easier to my room. He was close to campus and he had his own space, enough that his roommate wouldn't know and if he did, he wouldn't care. So I rolled over, trying to keep myself from falling asleep and leant up on my elbows, nodding. At this time, Wren had sat on the foot of his bed, big t-shirt thrown over his otherwise naked body and I felt a slight pang at the way it fell on him. He'd been playing with his fingers, me only in my boxers and socks and I was starting to feel a bit self-conscious.

Even if I told myself not to think of him, the curly haired boy flashed across my closed lids and I felt my nails digging into my palm, a habit I hadn't really had since I was eighteen.

"What else are you planning on doing today?" His voice was soft as he looked over at me but honestly, everything about Wren was soft.

So I shrugged, sluggishly pulling myself out of his bed and going to throw my shirt back on. "Practice." Rolling the fabric down my body, I watched as he openly stared, biting his lip and he was still horny.

"Oh." Fingertips grazing my abdomen, he bit his lip and as fun as this was, I had things to do that day so I found myself pulling back and he didn't protest. Letting his hand drop, he looked up at me, that teasing smile on his face and it was hard to believe that this is the same face that begged to cum. "Fun."

He had a finger in his mouth, always did and when I went to pull my pants on, his gaze flickered back down to my crotch and I really wanted to fuck him again.

Shaking my head, I realized that I had an essay due that night and practice later that afternoon, I couldn't afford to waste any more time. "Yeah." My skin felt dirty, clammy from all the sex and I'd been preoccupied with making my mental list that I didn't realize just how many questions he was asking... until he kept asking them.

"Well, what time does it end?" He wasn't moving at all and that was my cue to start leaving, he didn't need to get comfortable. I found myself turning back when I'd gotten to his door, going to pull my shoes on.

"Why?" My voice was harsh again and since letting go of Paul, I realized just how much shortness and indifference irritated people. I found myself sighing, tying my shoes and  looking up at Wren, hoping he wasn't seeing how fucked up I was getting. He didn't need to know anything, especially not from asking because he was worried. I was a grown ass man and he didn't need to care for me.

He bit his lip, it already raw from all the biting I'd done myself and he crossed and uncrossed his slim legs as if he were nervous. Wren twined his hands in front of himself, his feet together and he looked so innocent in that moment, I almost felt bad.

"There's this new place on Fairview, I guess they're trying to get more business because they're doing free drinks until eleven." And he smiled, shaking his head when I didn't respond, his eyes were on mine, hope shining in them and saying no at that point almost felt "This isn't me asking you on a date or anything but I think it'd be fun."

Why was he being so nice to me when I didn't even have full conversations with him? Why did he even care? "Why?"

And Wren shrugged, the same smile on his boyish face, his curls were messy and his cheeks were still flushed, freckles popping out. "You look like you need it." And he looked down again, I wondered if he was always this passive after sex and I just never cared enough to wait. "Plus, I'd like to know more about the guy who just fucked me all over my kitchen."

: : :

We were at a gay bar, wasn't sure which one but I know I didn't need my fake ID since Wren knew the guy at the door. I assumed he was pretty active in this scene and that bugged me a bit even if I kept it in the back of my head. He was bringing me places, I'd fucked him for too long that day, and we slept together frequently.

It was loud, that was the first thing that registered when we'd gotten in the club, the wait outside bringing the slight chill you might get on California nights, I was dressed in all black, rips in my knees and a jean jacket the same color over a plain tee. My father always had a touch for classic outfits with a statement watch or a necklace so I found myself with both, a simple chain on my neck and a watch the same color under a cuffed sleeve. Wren had approved of the outfit when he'd picked me up from the dorms, a giddy smile on his face and I was definitely underdressed to be arriving with him.

As awkward as I'd expected it to be, his music taste wasn't as bad as I'd expected, he'd played artists I didn't know but the songs weren't terrible.

Wren struck up a conversation once I was settled and even if it was weird, I was thankful that he would at least try to make it casual.

"You look hot." Was the first thing he'd said, eyes glancing over and catching mine and honestly, I was thankful because I really wasn't sure what to wear and I really wasn't sure how good I looked even as I was already in the car. Our outfits were so different, I felt slightly underdressed.

"Thanks," my voice was cold and I wondered if this is how I always sounded to Wren. This was so weird, "you too."

"You ever been to one?" He'd asked, his eyes on the road, he drove with both hands on the wheel and with his car being so nice, I was sure he wanted to be extra careful... I wasn't sure how rich he was but he lived off campus and drove a Camaro maybe I should've expected it. Wren was nice though, and he had always been a bit flashy so I honestly wasn't all that surprised and I shrugged in answer to his question.

Realizing how rude that was, I nodded. "Danny and I used to go to clubs every once in a while." I'd been to a few clubs which led to a lot of drunken weekends and relationship problems.

But I wasn't thinking about that, I didn't need any reminders of my ex-boyfriend, not when I was going out and supposed to have fun. When Wren mentioned a gay club, I stepped out of my comfort zone because everything that I'd been doing so far wasn't working out that well anyways. I needed change, or at least a change and despite being bisexual and in California, I had never been to a gay club.

Wren laughed. He was smiling amusedly and there was a small giggle that had left his lips. He bit his tongue in that boyish way he often did and shook his head, "you've been to straight clubs," he'd emphasized, "I promise, it's not the same."

He must've seen my face when he looked over then, I was trying to contemplate just how different it could be. It was drinking and dancing and less women. The curly haired boy bit his lip as if in thought, "It's more... free." He shrugged, "I'm free, you know? And I mean I'm flamboyant as fuck but it's not always received well, I like being around people. Well, people like me."

And he talked too much but for the first time, I wasn't annoyed.

"You're gonna like it, trust me."

: : :

I hated dancing, I hated drunk people, I hated the flashing fucking lights and I hated the way Wren hung off my arm, as if I were his or something.

I knew I wanted to get drunk though, so fucking wasted that I couldn't remember my name because all I could feel was Paul's skin on mine. All I could hear were those words over and over and fucking over again. He bought me this jacket for my birthday last year, I was remembering. I could still feel the hole in my nose even when the ring wasn't there and I was starting to think of him.

I love you.

Why the fuck would he say that? He knew I still loved him, even if I didn't say it yet, I knew that he knew. And then he fucking said he loved me when he didn't, he was fucking his roommate, he made me feel like I had a chance.

He was probably fucking him now.

Shaking my head to rid the thought, I tried my best to relax, I could feel my skin going numb at that point, could feel my fist clenching and I didn't want to pierce my palm so I calmed.

Wren's hips were swaying to the beat of some random pop song I didn't know the words to and he was smiling with his eyes closed. He'd done his makeup and dressed a little more revealing than normal -which I wasn't sure was possible- he was wearing this sheer body suit and a pair of tight sea-green shorts that looked weird in the car but under these lights... it made his eyes look even brighter. He was nearly my height in chunky platforms and he looked to be having the time of his life.

His copper curls fell over his forehead, blue glitter covering his lids and connecting over the bridge of his nose and he looked so happy, so free it scared me. Wren was willowy but he had hips for his frame, his body was cute, even if he was a bit small and the way the other men around looked at him kind of made me envious... I didn't have half the confidence he had.

He'd had a shot in his hand, I wasn't sure how much he'd drank already but at the thought, I'd quickly shot it down, Wren wasn't my responsibility.

He was dancing though and there was a guy on him when I'd made my way to the bar, with the way he responded, I knew he was still there. His eyes had snapped over meeting mine and he winked, grinding his hips back into the man behind him, the latter's body wrapping around Wren. The curly haired boy had closed his eyes then, the music turning more sexual and I knew not to completely forget about him, even if I wasn't necessarily with him.

One drink in, I found myself leaning on one of the tables nearby. There was a guy in front of me in a cute little waiter outfit and his ass was the highlight of my night. He'd caught my eye a few times but I didn't approach, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be getting laid... Wren already seemed to have a fuck for the night. If he left, how was I supposed to get home? I mean, we weren't friends, he didn't have any obligation to stay there.

The aforementioned boy offered a shot, placing it down on my table, the glitter from his eyes was now on his fingertips as they danced across the table and he was definitely drunk, or at least, almost there.

"Hi handsome." He was touching me instantly but not normal Wren touches, his hand was on mine, interlocking it with his and I wasn't sure if this was just how he was when he was drunk but I assumed considering he hadn't been alone since the night started.

"Wren."

"You know, if I didn't know you, I'd still try to take you home." He'd joked, smiling and I nodded. I wasn't sure how serious he was but I was anxious of his much he was drinking and how much I was drinking and how many guys he'd already said things like that to that night because I felt so boring. I wasn't having that good a time but I didn't want to kill his night so I nodded.

"You're not dancing?" His eyes were on mine then, a sly smile on his face and he looked as if he were disappointed I wasn't having a good time. Wren was so close to me, I had to grab his hips for support and he threw his arms around my neck. His words had a slight slur to them and he was even more bubbly and bouncy than before. Was this how I looked when Paul and I went out? He was a fucking alcoholic and I couldn't stop putting him in compromising situations.

"What about your car?"

And if I were to like Wren, in any way, it would definitely be his carefree attitude, he was so spontaneous sometimes. He giggled in response, rocking his hips against mine just barely enough for me to feel him.

His eyes were directly on mine. "We'll Uber back, I'll get it in the morning."

"Then why did you drive?"

"Shut up." He'd thrown his head back, licking at his lips and there was a deeper laugh there, Adam's apple bobbing and something in me wondered how he tasted under all that glitter. "Come dance with me."

What the fuck was wrong with me?

He was still moving with the music, his cherry red lips looking bigger than usual and I was sure he was making out with other guys. "Do I look like the dancing type?" I'd shrugged, giving him a brow raise in return and I leaned back to take that shot he'd placed beside me. It was a dark liquor and it burned going down, he'd laughed at the face I made post-drink.

And he was back to talking, "I mean, you look so stiff it's nearly straight," his hands brushed down my chest, playing with the buttons on my jacket and he sighed. Leaning up, he placed a slow kiss on my lips, he tasted like vodka and then I realized we were both drinking and Wren drove. His eyes were on mine again and he'd sucked his bottom lip into his mouth when we pulled away. Pushing my chest back, he giggled, "and that's not a compliment."

But I didn't want to overthink, I didn't want to be the same blank slate I always was. His words were registering or maybe it was the alcohol because being free felt so appealing at that moment, I wanted to feel as free as Wren. "Shut up." I could feel his hands on me, feel every touch and he was kissing my jaw then, pushing my hips into the table and I'd never seen a dominant Wren before.

"A smile," he was giggling again and I could feel his finger on my cheek, "you do have a sense of humor, James Dean." He'd tapped me twice, leaning back. I know he probably wanted to fuck, definitely would've been okay with taking it to the car but I wasn't interested. I came to have a good time, to get this off my mind, we could fuck anytime.

So I nodded, letting him back up a little but keeping my hands on him the best I could to prevent him from stumbling.

"I'm just not used to this." I sighed, wringing my hands together and maybe this was good for me. Maybe stepping out of my comfort zone to a comforting place would help.

Wren ran his hands to my collar, fixing it a bit and pulling me closer, his lower half pressed against me. "I know." With a bite of his lip, he let go, pushing me slightly back and I saw him retreating, he'd turned around before completely disappearing and I tried to take his advice. "Loosen up a bit, you might actually have some fun."

: : :

"Leaving something dirty on me like tattoos" Wren's voice was soft as he sang along to the song playing, his hips in my hands, shaking to the beat.

I'd been dancing, or at least, as much as I could've been while half my blood was alcohol. I had always been self conscious about the way I looked, the way I danced, just the way everyone else would perceive me but it was hard to be self-conscious when there were people like you around. Still, I found myself barely dancing, letting Wren do most of the work when he pushed his hips into mine and this was the first time I wasn't in control of our interaction. Wren danced on me most of the time but he wasn't just sexual, he was laughing, the taste of alcohol on his lips every time he kissed me and he would quickly pull away whenever he'd felt me moving closer. He was a tease, in every way and he knew it.

Do I have to keep you safe and warm tonight? Didn't no one ever teach you wrong from right? I don't wanna be something objectified.

Wren was spinning around, his hands in the air and the song playing was too upbeat for me so I found myself a foot or two away just watching. I wasn't into it as much but I admired him and I could see us being friends if this night had anything to do with it. I had been too focused on the negatives in my life, it so chaotic, maybe I actually needed something like Wren. I needed someone who had more to offer than stress because being here, I had forgotten about everything else.

Soon there was a body on me again but it wasn't Wren even if they were similar in stature. This boy had longer hair that fell to his shoulders in waves and a baby face, his ass was fatter than Wren's and I could feel him grinding back against me.

I tried my best to keep up, especially when he turned to look at me, long lashes fanning his eyes and I was so drunk he looked feminine. I tried my best not to let that affect me, allowed him to push his hips into mine and my hand was on his hip, moving with the beat.

Looking up, I connected eyes with Wren and I watched as he fell back, sinking into a chest behind him and the song had slowed down even if it stayed up-tempo. The man had his hands gripped on Wren's hips, swaying with the beat and I tried to mind my own business. I tried until I could see the dancing getting dirtier and Wren had been dancing back. He was grinding back, smiling even if it didn't seem as genuine and he'd leant his head back on the man's shoulder.

The boy on me had turned around, only enough to pull me down for a kiss and I could feel sticky lipgloss, he tasted like strawberries and there was a man on Wren, close enough that I could still hear their conversation even if I didn't want to.

"Why don't we take this back to my place?" That was all I could hear, even if the music was loud, with all the bodies pressed on me, I was close enough to understand what he was saying. "Free drinks all night if you like." My arms were wrapped around the smaller boy, pulling him into me and I could feel him grinding into me, pulling me close in the cramped space, he was a little bit short than me and not a particularly good kisser but honestly, drunk, I probably wasn't either.

Pulling away, I tried to tune more into Wren, I wasn't sure why but I had a nasty feeling when thinking about this conversation. I tried to connect eyes with him but the boy on me had his lips on my neck, kissing just hard enough to send shivers up my spine but not hard enough to bruise and I could feel myself pushing him off.

That was Wren's cue and I wasn't sure if he would take offer. He was easy but this man was older, this man was also aggressive if his grip had anything to do with it. Wren normally liked that but his lips still fixed a rejection. "No thanks." He was turning around then, looking at the man with his same little innocent smile and he'd wiggled his way to only a small amount of touching.

I didn't want to step in if there wasn't anything wrong so I said nothing at all.

Until I saw hands twining around his slim waist, pulling him back into a chest and I could see the guy leaning down to kiss at his skin, his words muffled but Wren's actions after said enough.

"I'm really not interested." He'd voiced, pushing the guy off gently and stepping back. This felt too much like Paul, too much like his situation and it was starting to piss me off. I wasn't sure where my energy came from but I found myself stepping closer, forgetting the boy I was with. There was an itch on my palm and my skin was sweaty, jacket long since shredded, Wren's keys were in my pocket and that was enough for me to feel safe.

"Oh come on, don't be shy now."

The guy's hand was on Wren's wrist then and I didn't realize just how close they were until I was stepping in front of the smaller man. I knew he wasn't;t interested then, knew that if I didn't step in, I would've regretted it. "He said no." My voice was stern and I really didn't expect to say anything, not when I knew how quickly he gave out but Wren was more than just that person and I should've known. I should've realized it quicker but I didn't and maybe I was angry at myself.

Was I just as bad? "And who are you?"

I could feel delicate fingers wrapping around my balled fist. "Julian-"

But the guy was touching Wren again, he still hadn't let go and I could feel my blood boiling, especially when he was yanked closer and suddenly my hands were pushing at the man's chest. He was shorter than me but just as big but I didn't care, I was moving before it registered. "I'll fuck you up, get off him." My jaw was clenched, knuckles white and I could feel myself seething.

The man had laughed at my anger, throwing his hands up and before I could comprehend it, I was moving closer, my hands were fisted in his shirt and I'd pulled his face close enough to mine I could see the smug look in his eyes. He'd rolled them and I wondered how this wasn't in the slightest intimidating. "Might wanna get your boyfriend, Curly." I wasn't thinking, not straight when there was so much alcohol in my system, all I could think of was Paul.

He'd said no, he was forced, he still blamed himself.

I could remember all the nights after he told me when he would wake me up crying, when I would jump up just to see him sweating and thrashing in bed. I could remember how many times he would wrap himself in my clothes because he said they made him feel safe, how when we went out to eat and there was a bar, he'd hold my hand a little tighter. My jaw was clenching then and I wasn't sure what I was doing but I knew that fighting had never been my strong suit and I didn't care.

Wren's voice was stern then and I could feel him yanking me away and he was surprisingly strong. I'd let go, backing up and my nostrils were still flaring I was sure. "Come on."

I wondered how many guys tried that on him. "Wren, listen-"

"No, you listen. You can't just make a damn scene like that, not here." His words were still slurring, skin now a light pink and he seemed angry now. I wasn't sure why it made me feel so stupid but it did. "I can handle myself." He was so mad and I didn't understand what I'd done wrong, I defended him.

"I didn't say you couldn't."

Wren rolled his eyes then and I wasn't sure if I'd done something to upset him or if this was just how he was when he was drunk and if it was the latter, I fucking hated it. "Really? Cause you didn't let me." He smiled a sardonic closed mouth smile, green eyes on the ground and his arms were wrapped around himself then. "You know how often that happens? I know what I'm doing, Julian, I'm not weak." Looking at me, he softened a bit.

"I was just tryna help."

He shook his head, looking away again and I knew I wasn't gonna get a reasonable answer from him. "I don't need your help."

I don't wanna be something objectified.

A/N:
no flashback because I felt like it would be confusing with the song lyrics also in italics. So julian went to a gay club and my life is back on track. until next time xx

Updated: Sun. April 14th, 2019