The Beatles, Dont Let Me Down; Pablo's piece.

comment, comment. if you havent re-read ch 12-14, i would reccommend. x

FIFTEEN: WHEN YOUR EYES GET TOO BIG FOR YOUR HEART.

There was this steak in front of me, a chateaubriand ... and a lobster tail slapped over top. It was cute how Jules insisted on ordering for us and that stopped me from telling him that I was really more surf than turf these days.

For some reason, he thought we could eat all this food. He had some bisque, a few sides, I almost immediately dished off half my plate onto his share plate.

He was mindlessly talking about a game he'd seen the night before I think and I wasn't sure what sport it was but he looked so cute.

Did he seem so excited about... basketball? It seemed like basketball.

He was making some motion that looked like a mini free-throw, it had to be basketball. And like the shuffling with his hands could have been dribbling and his lips just looked so soft.

He was stuffing his face, and he looked so carefree.

Calm and happy. Jules didn't use to stuff his face. He was always so worried about soccer and speed and pressures on body image.

He looked so healthy now.

I brought the glass to my lips, still unable to look away from those big green eyes. He was making an explosion motion now, hands brushing imaginary dust off his shoulder.

What the hell was he saying?

I wasn't sure but it was my third glass, I was drunk on him when the waiter made his way back over. Jules was smiling at me so politely now, halting when the server went to fill up his water.

"Thank you."

Glasses of grape juice at the hotel restaurant.

That's how far he'd thought of everything.

The waiter was grabbing a bottle off chill, some more weird non-alcoholic sparking grape juice into our glasses in less than a minute, and Jules was cutting into his steak.

"Dixon was out cause cleats in the calf and Danny ended up rotating to Defender."

We were definitely talking about soccer. He wanted to talk about soccer again, that was surprising.

"What game are we talking about?"

"Uh, the first game of this last season." He nodded. "We played Pepperdine. Coach put me on offense and before that game, I was stuck in defensive because it was my position freshman year." It'd been two years since then, and that was what threw me. And knowing we spent so little of those two years together should've saddened me.

But then we wouldn't have stories like this. If I was there for this, he wouldn't look so excited to tell me right now, sat across from each other in one of the upper restaurants in Chicago.

The waiters were in all-black, ties, and the bar staff were lighting drinks on fire. From the ambiance to the high ceilings, Parisian carved, my eyes were glued to the 30-foot see-through wine cellar in the center of the restaurant.

Jules shrugged.  "I didn't have enough confidence to say I'm good. But Dixon's dehydrated and the ref had a grudge against him so coach put me at midfield." He had so much pride in his eyes now and it was so sexy I almost cried. "I pulled out Blue Nance and scored the first goal in the game and it was a wrap."

"I played center for the next year. Rookie." I knew that was a big deal.

It was silent for a moment, Jules biting his lip like he feared he said too much.

I tried not to seem so in awe when another waiter brought out a full lobster to the table beside us.

"You can play at State."

"I was Division 1." He shook his head like that was it. Maybe it was, I wasn't sure what rules sports had for mental health but it was probably hard as hell to get to that level again. "It's impossible to get back there in the time I have left... And I'm kinda at peace now. I just hate that I burned bridges."

"I wanted to coach after getting my World Cup and now I can maybe play state level and what? Train?"

"You can still coach. You got into UCSB, but you also got into Denver even without athletic." I reminded him, remembering all the letters that had arrived while he was in Cali. "State was begging for you back."

"I'm sure you can reapply at UCSB at some point," he rolled his eyes. He is so sassy. And I'm obsessed with it.

"Even if I wanted to—" my grades are shit. That's what he said every time.

"— someone will listen if you tell your story. You were the rookie to beat, right?"

"Not really—"

"Jules, you're good enough to play D1. You have leadership in your blood." He shrugged, picking at his food. "The self-doubt amidst perfection is more annoying than anything." He blushed.

"I also have abandonment in my blood." He shook his head, and he swallowed down a gulp of wine. Then the conversation was on me again, he was getting really good at that.

"I feel like if I just record you and play it back at times you might actually listen to yourself." He nodded, pointing his fork my way. "You amaze me. Constantly."

"Thank you."

Silence.

"Dixon."

That was it, all I had to say for his look to deadpan. The way he was looking at me... Jules was so bad at lying it was ridiculous. "Tell me about him."

"No." It was so quick.

No? "No?"

"I mean, he's chill."

"No, why, no?"

"I mean like... Why do you wanna know?"

I don't know. "Oh."

"Don't oh." Jules' eyes were wide and alarmed, a nervous laugh tumbled from his lips and I felt myself laughing. As if anything could make me insecure when he'd spent the whole day making sure I felt at ease. The whole day, he'd done nothing but look after me.

"I mean I wasn't gonna oh until you made it oh." I wasn't jealous, something in how frustrated he looked was ego-boosting. "Was it..." good?

"PJ." Fuck.

"It was good?"

"It was in a frat house."

"Sluuuuut." I spoke into my glass, eyeing him over the rim and Jules blushed so hard. He was beet-red, wide-eyed, fuckable. I watched him chew on that lip again, I had half a mind to ask for the fucking bill.

"Ah!"

He squeezed his eyes shut, hands covering up a pretty face.

"Show me a picture."

"Pablo."

No actually, now I really wanted to see it. After the Carlos thing, maybe putting everything on the table was better. "I mean it. I think we should do this." It sounded like a good idea to get it out in the open. "Yeah, we should."

He didn't move for his phone. "You want me to tell you everyone that I've slept with?"

"Well, not now that you've said it like that."

I laughed, Jules seemed confused. "Is this a kink?"

"Huh?"

"Talking about sex with other people, 'cause y-you've done it a few times now."

I gave him my best I don't know what you're talking about look, hoping he wouldn't elaborate. I knew it was weird. It felt weird to ask. It felt weird the first time I asked about Wren but there was something hot about being laid up next to my other half and being able to talk about anything.

No jealousy, It felt like flirting with other people at the bar, I liked that a while ago.

You know, how carefree I was until Nic cheated on me with the (w)hole of Chicago.

I knew Jules was mine. I knew other guys weren't even a thought, I knew California was miles away. Until it wasn't and I wondered how serious he was about Wren staying with him for a week.

I'd never felt like this before, though. I never wanted to hear about exes on dates, I felt like it was tacky. I felt like talking about sex outside of the bedroom was tacky too but maybe that was because I'd never felt so safe. Jules and I were the best we'd ever been.

"Like you asked about Carlos and Wren and now you wanna see pictures of other guys?" Something was hot about knowing he chose me, that there were others but we always circled back.

Jules looked at me then, a softness in his eyes. He was laughing awkwardly. "I'll try it, I just wanna know what I'm trying."

"I just wanna know you're comfortable talking to me about it."

"Okay." He smiled.

I braced myself.

"uh Dixon was this really tall guy on my team, dark skin, he played football off-season... I think he was from... Mississippi? Uh, he was really short tempered... good on the field, not so good in bed, he rushed himself too much, and it was in a frat house... He bottomed."

Jules bit his lip. "I chalked it up to experimenting 'cause he couldn't take dick. We laid together for fifteen minutes and then I left."

"I think I'm really bad with sex when it's not you." He shrugged. "He didn't like me that much afterward." It was quiet like he was realizing it for himself, I wondered what happened after.

"Babe—"

"I called Danny's brother your name in bed." Fuck.

"Danny's brother?"

"Slut." He shrugged.

"Him or you?"

Jules laughed. "Oh, me most definitely."

It was silent for a moment, I watched that chain glimmer through the top button. He played with the stem of his glass.

"I think I used sex to push people away after you. Every time they offered friendship and I offered sex... I think I felt like I had to make it easy to leave. I-I don't think I had any good experiences in Cali."

"We can talk more about this later if you want, baby."

"Uh, I think I should work through it if that's okay?"

"You wanna talk right now?"

"Please."

"Okay."

"I think I wasn't nice. I wasn't really nice to Wren. I regret that. Especially with how good of a friend he's been to me." And now we were talking about Wren again.

"We're not always the same people we are when we're in pain."

"Again. Listen to yourself."

"I don't like that I hurt people. I hurt Calum."

Who the fuck cares? "He kinda deserved it."

"I know what it's like to love someone and be scared." We all do.

"You're too kind to him." He looked unconvinced. My love could see purity anywhere. "He traumatized you."

But he wasn't hearing me and I knew he wouldn't. "I hurt Wren. He says I didn't but I did."

We could talk about that later. I was setting my glass back down and here was the waiter refilling our water and wine. "How much did you pay him to keep refilling with Grape Juice?"

He was thankful for the shift in conversation, I could see it in his eyes, he was getting caught in those thoughts and he needed something to steer him another way.

"I called ahead. Brought the bottle and paid a fee."

"A fee?"

Julian smirked. "Don't worry about it." His foot was brushing mine, brushing up my calf. "And don't blame yourself for things you did in the past with the feelings and information that you had at the time."

"I don't know how you always know what to say."

I've had a lot of practice.

"... I wanted to talk about your show."

"What about it?"

"Well is it gonna be stressful? Do you need extra hands to move things around? Ben and I were talking about it..."

"Yeah." That's so sweet. "I'd really appreciate that."

"Okay." He smiled, soft gaze, plopped more steak into his mouth... talked through his food for a second until he realized... "So, like..."

Chew chew chew. Swallow.

"Do we need to move work that Friday? Ben drives a Tacoma so there's more than enough space in the hatch."

"I still have a few pieces that I'm working on, maybe the last one goes on Saturday but yes, Friday should work."

"Ok."

He didn't say much else until it had been a few seconds and I forgot to show my gratitude. He pouted.

"Can I have a kiss?"

: : :

I was gonna fuck him. That was the takeaway from getting to-go boxes downstairs and leaving them on the table.

I could feel it in the way he stood behind me on the elevator, his arms wrapped around the small of my waist, pressed against me. "You said there were massages."

"Yeah, there are."

"In our room?"

"Exactly."

We'd decided to take a bath shortly after retreating to the room in a lustful stupor.

Almost magnetically, we tore through our room after kissing so gently in the elevator as if we weren't falling apart at the seams.

It felt like autumn.

His lips brushed against mine with purpose. He sucked my bottom lip so gently then he went for the top, eyes on mine. His hands were on my waist.

He pressed our bodies together, and he kissed me. He kissed me like all he could think about was kissing me.

"I'm down. Whatever you wanna try."

"Jules..." his lips were pouty and pretty, and he offered that doe-eyed look. Huh?

And I kissed him again. "I can't even think right now..."

"... Thank you for this, baby." I hadn't said that enough. Rubbing my hands over his shoulders, he sunk into my touch. "You always know what I need. Thank you for taking care of me."

He tucked his body into mine, turning around and going to kick his shoes off, he tugged me along with him, hands firm on my biceps. My arms locked around his shoulders, holding him to my chest.

He seemed to have thought this out, or maybe he was just the most romantic man on the planet because he kissed my arm gently before breaking from my hold.

"I'm gonna go run a bath." Then he was tucking his fingers in his collar and tugging his shirt over his head.

Jules was rubbing my feet, pretty intentionally, deep-tissue massaging me in a bubble bath. His thumb and index dug into the middle of my left foot, pressing out the stress that I didn't even know I had. I tried not to lull back, soft contemporary music played in the background. I was so relaxed, it was hard to pretend I wasn't worn out.

We'd been in silence for a while now, just the company was nice enough.

He kissed my toe, peering up at me through wet lashes, his hair was pushed back to unveil a work of art, and I shivered. I took a mental photo. Big green eyes, freckles scattered over a boyish face, his hair looked almost brown under the dampness, and soaked, fell down his back. Jules had this wide-eyed look, one that made my heart beat out of my chest.

He was kissing my ankle,  over the scar on my calf, running his hand up the inside of my leg.

His eyes asked for permission, I wasn't sure what further interactions he could ask consent for... we were already naked, laying together. It's been months. Months since we last look at each other like this.

I felt for his hand, sinking further in the tub, a silent nod. I pressed his hand to my mouth, kissing his index finger, watching those big eyes blow even wider, and his mouth dropped open.

My foot found all of him, thick and hard against his thigh, my other ankle lay on his shoulder and the bath felt much too small.

His eyes fell low-lidded.

"We should get out, it's getting cold." My voice felt foreign, low, and lustful. It was a whisper at the end and Julian agreed.

He stood, full mass. He grabbed for his towel and my eyes centered between his legs. Hard, at attention, so big and beautiful. Thick legs and a fucking thigh-tat. His pecs were fully defined now, a slight sculpt on his abdomen and just full enough to make my mouth water at the sight.

And I was a fucking goner.

He smirked, stepping out of the tub and drying off, sliding into those fluffy complimentary slippers. Tucking the towel around his waist, he made some joke that I couldn't register and in one swift motion, I was in the air.

Bridal style. I let out a yelp, wrapping my arms around him in shock. He'd grabbed for my towel, tucking it around my body and pressing a wet kiss to my lips. He laughed, it melodic, and pressed a kiss behind my ear.

It felt like champagne, the way he kissed me, like bubbles.

I could see the love in his eyes. "Juju."

"Mhm." I'm weak in my fucking knees.

Spinning on his heels like I was light as a feather, Julian smiled, he bit his lip, and he pressed the softest kiss to my nose. Now he was pressing my body to the bed. He was kissing my neck, at my collarbone, over my throat. He pressed my chin down with his thumb, kissing me so tenderly.

I could feel his fingers on my waist, now they were on my thighs, the towel had fallen, his hands tight around soft skin. I leaned up when he did, chasing the feeling of his lips, he'd hiked my hips up and now I was in his lap.

Now, I could feel him pressed against me, hard and throbbing. Jules pulled back, looked into my eyes, tucked thick arms around me, and held me close.

He pushed a curl from my forehead, awkward and timid. "Is this okay?" And his eyes were so sincere it brought a warmth to my chest.

Nodding, I wrapped my arms back around his neck in silent submission, not nearly embarrassed at how quickly I'd fallen apart in his arms. He pulled my towel off, and tugged it so gently, fingers sliding along the skin of my thighs.

"You're so beautiful."

Is this okay?

He was coaxing me to desperation in seconds.

It's been so long.

His skin tasted the same.

It sunk in under my lips, quivered when exposed, and soothed when kissed. His teeth nipped into my stomach when he'd gotten enough of being the center of attention and Jules was leaning over me.

Soft music and the sound of our suite neighbors going at it were oddly amusing enough to be comforting.

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"I missed you."

"Yeah."

"Yeah?" His brows were furrowed and I tried to figure out where I'd fucked up. I literally can't even think right now.

I couldn't breathe. "I missed you too."

We're not together.

"Was that weird?" He asked after a second too long and I could see him overthinking. We're not together, he told me this last week.

"What?"

Don't get ahead of yourself, I reminded. Jules isn't ready to be wrapped up in everything. It's a lot.

He shrugged. "Saying I missed you when we spent all day together." His hand was splayed across my belly, he wasn't looking at me. "Spending all day together is that weird for you?"

"Jules." I'm a lot.

"We were taking it slow." He nodded. "But we're gonna have sex, right? S-so... I want to at least talk about where we're at tomorrow, okay? We promised we'd do it if anything changed."

"Nothing's changed."

"We're back together."

We're not.

It was silent for a minute, we didn't talk about that yet. Jules frowned, eyes suddenly so watery and I could hear it in his voice. "We're back together, right?" It was gentle and shaky and I'd fucked up so badly.

"We haven't talked about that, Jules."

"Well, yeah, I know." When he looked at me, he swallowed, hard. "Look, it's no pressure—" is he gonna cry? How do I keep hurting you?

How does this keep fucking happening?

"What?"

"You said that out loud."

I- what?

"Do you not want this?"

"No, Jules, that's not-"

"Do you not want me?"

What?

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to... sleep with me or-or-" He was crying now, just a few tears that he swiped away so quickly and he sat up on his knees, I followed suit, tugging the comforter over me. He was standing.

Fuck, my baby was just absolutely gorgeous and — naked and so fucking mine. I grabbed his wrist, I forgot how sensitive he was. He hasn't smoked all day, he's always been anxious.

"I want you. Don't apologize. We can have that conversation in the morning?"

He nodded.

"Okay."

Okay?

"I know you have a reason so we can- we can talk about it in the morning." And he was swallowing again, looking at me with those eyes again. "We could keep going."

"You wanna keep going?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"We don't have to."

"... If you don't want to..."

"Jules, I love you. I'm comfortable." He looked sad.

"It's not about comfort." He reiterated. "Do you want to?"

"I want to."

"I need you, then. Closer." He tugged me in by my collar, I nearly lost my mind. "Talk to me, touch me."

I know him. That's not a problem.

"Is your favorite color still blue?"

He nodded, eyes widened like he thought I would forget.

"Is your favorite movie still absolutely anything with Will Smith?"

"I Am Legend."

Exactly.

"... You have Orion's Belt on the outside of your left thigh, in freckles, you should get it in ink." I was kissing there.

My hand was on that thigh, pressing his shorts up only slightly, a peak of the cute little panda tattoo on his thigh. I remembered when I first discovered that. He'd gotten it after he'd seen the bamboo on my back I was sure.

And I almost cried at the idea. We weren't together and he went through with that.

"You have ink, and you tried to hide it from me." It was cute, how red he got when my hands were on him again. "I see it right here."

"I never mentioned this one. I love it." I kissed the little panda. "You got this one for me."

He nodded.

Tucking his shirt up, the heavy material falls flush against his body. My eyes fixate on the definition in his stomach, the ginger hairs disappearing into boxer shorts and unbuttoned cargos.

I kissed the semicolon on his side, a flushed Jules squirmed under me, a moan ripping through a closed throat.

Something about the way he acted in that elevator, his throat should be open already.

My hands met freckled skin, and a pretty little cleft chin. I held his jaw, kissing him and then behind his ear. That fucking spot. It was a cross.

"Who's been kissing you here?"

"You."

"Only me?"

"Only you, Papi." It was desperate. "I'm yours."

I hurt you. I'm terrified to hurt you again.

"I love you." I reminded. We hadn't said that in a while. He didn't expect it but it burned in my chest and lit my heart on fire. He still looked sad and I didn't know how to fix it.

"I love you too."

Jules frowned again, this time confused. He wiped below soft green, wet eyes. I was buried in him and he was crying now, it broke my heart.

"They're happy tears." He smiled after a second. "I'm alright, I'm just really overwhelmed... sensory overload, we're okay."

I nodded, kissing his chest. In minutes he was bent over, face pressed to the sheets, and moans spilling out of full lips. That look of ecstasy drove me over the edge, as well as the obscene sound of my balls smacking his, it filled the room.

"I can't believe you're fucking me like this."

"Like what baby?" He didn't answer, instead, he reached back and pulled himself apart. Fuck, that sight. More lube, he's moaning out. He's crying again, I can see the tears soaking a pillow, he's drooling, "feels good?"

Please tell me it does.

"Soooo fucking good." He was crying out, it was hearty and full and he was reaching behind, hand on the back of my thigh, nails dug in.

"I love you, Jules."

He's crying harder. My hand's on him now, stroking, coaxing him to climax. "Touch yourself baby."

Heaven.

He's desperate, writhing, I can feel his body tensing up, getting tighter. I'm so fucking close, it's blinding.

"Tell me you love me, baby."

"I'm gonna come." He moans. It's only a short warning cause the second he has a hand around himself he's painting the sheets.

"I love you!" He was crying it out, spilling over, falling into the sheets. I follow, deeper, trying to maintain but it's sloppy and my arms are failing me and it feels so good I'm peaking. "I love you, I love you. Te amo, Papi."

"Te amo."

We fell asleep shortly after, legs all mixed in, arms around one another.

: : :

"You talked to Jules?"

"He came by." He shrugged.

"You're unbelievable, Izzy."

"Was I supposed to ignore him?"

"As much as you could..."  because honestly, what was the point of any kind of conversation? you had no right to talk to him about anything."

"This is what we're doing?"

"What?"

"You're off, you know that?"

"Excuse me?"

"You should go."  He said. It was the first time Izzy seemed done with me. "I'll call you a car. We're clearly not going to have a productive discussion tonight."

"You're meddling in my fucking life and now you want me to leave?"

"I do." "You drove here?"

"Fuck off."

"We're drinking and driving now, Paul?"

"I didn't fucking drive." I did. I drove here because the bar is a mile up the road and I didn't think I could make it home. And Jules was gonna be so fucking mad at me, I couldn't tell him. I told him I was okay.

"We've been doing this for a year. I've been taking care of you for a year." Fuck you. "And you're lying to me?"

"I didn't ask you to fucking take care of me, Izzy." I didn't. I didn't ask for his attentiveness, I didn't ask for him to be there. It's not my fault he couldn't leave. "It's not my fault that you're obsessed with me."

"Whatever."

"Iz..."

"I'm actually kinda over letting you curse me out because you can't keep your shit together."

What the fuck? "I'm cursing you out because you told him that I asked you to stay?"

"You did! You kicked me out of my own place and then begged me to come back." He laughed. "I told him something kinder."

"So because I don't want you, you're playing games with my relationship?"

"You're the one that keeps coming back." He didn't seem to care that I stayed. Instead of forcing me out the door, he was having a seat, like he knew that I wouldn't leave either.

It's been two days since Jules showed up at mine and I promised I was sober. Two fucking days. "I told you to go be with him, Paul, but you come here to show me the ugliest side of yourself? You're drunk when you decide to come to talk to me about this and I'm the one being unfair?"

"If I kiss you right now, I'm the one being unfair?" He asked and that's when I realized how close we were. I didn't feel myself gravitating towards him but all of a sudden I was so close it scared me.

Izzy was sitting me down and his words were still so soft even with the circumstances.

"I've left you alone. I've let you be with him. What else do you want from me?"

"You let me? As opposed to what, making me stay with you?"

"I'm sorry if you felt like I was holding you, hostage." He shrugged. "I'm sorry that I fell in love with you when you made it so fucking easy."

"Izzy."

"We don't mean anything?"

The fact that he could sit next to me and look into my eyes and ask me questions like thisd meant I was fucking up. The fact that I was still here was already betraying Jules, how was I gonna face him? "Two nights ago didn't mean anything?"

"We kissed, simple."

"It wasn't that simple." It wasn't. It was heated and needy and it was so close to being something more when Jules called, asked if I'd be home. I said I had a headache, and left immediately. I'd been drinking since to cope and Izzy thought it was more than a momentary lapse of judgement.

I love Jules.

"That's how I remember it."

"You remember it, is that why you're here?"  Hazel eyes lowered. "He's not fucking you good enough?"

"Izzy."

"You miss me?"

"I'm with Jules."

Of course, I miss you, Izzy. "I love him."

"He doesn't see you."

"He knows how I feel about you and he's forgiven me for it."

"Then why are you here?"

I don't know.

"Why are you here, Paul?"

"Colin's dead?"

His face turned immediately. His breath was shaky, there were tears in his eyes and I'd never seen him look so angry. "Get out."

"Izzy--"

"Now."

: : :

It's not clear who woke up first, but neither man dared to move.

It was silent, only the sound of a bird chirping near the window and the soft slumber of two lovers.

Julian's rosy cheek was pressed to a crisp white hotel pillow, eyes sealed shut, and his chest rose with uneven breaths, only noticeable at such close proximity. Even in sleep, their bodies had entangled, legs atop one another with open mouths pressed to skin.

Body heat trapped between skin and cloth.

Everything they were lay in this bed.

Jules stirred, remembering the state of them, and the hand on his chest had moved slightly, grasping the skin of his shoulder, softly.

Somehow amidst the confusion of the night they'd remained bare to each other. Julian smiled, eyes blinking open seconds after, he was kissing the aforementioned man's head bracing himself for the moment he woke.

Remember that Pablo would pull away, it's in the way he stirs awake and he's already pulling away.

"Hm?" He offered, softly, watching with low lids and nerves. The night had ended better, Paul was adamant about not going to sleep upset so they talked. About everything.

About Izzy, about kissing Izzy. Not about sobriety.

Forgiveness was quick.

And it was quiet this morning but Pablo was pulling away.

He was shifting, and he turned away yawning. Jules watched his tattooed back as it stretched out, he tried not to take it to heart when his love sat up as he bent forward just slightly and the dip of his ass disappeared into boxer briefs, he must've put those on throughout the night cause they fell asleep so quickly after consummation... naked, still conjoined.

Julian noticed the stiffness in posture, he didn't like it. He didn't like it when his lover stood, twisting open the blinds only slightly, sunlight pouring in. Freckled legs tickled against thin sheets and he was kicking them off.

"Oh."

"—Good morning."

"Morning." Jules let it sit in the air for only a second before anxiety prickled at his skin. And he was pinching at his arm, tightening his nails in his fist that way he did. He noticed and he tucked his hands away. "Can we have a minute?" Don't push.

"Yeah."

"Good."

"We talked a lot last night." Paul shrugged. "There wasn't much else to say." He's omitting it on purpose, he's hoping Jules doesn't ask, he knows he has to quit drinking, he cant remember how many days he told Jules its been, it's so easy to catch him in a lie.

Jules doesn't notice.

"Yeah."

But he responded a bit too fast and Paul's brows were knitting together, brown eyes softening. Julian stared up at the ceiling, that blankness washing over him.

"It's weird having serious conversations as soon as we wake up. Want coffee?... or a kiss, maybe."

Jules smiled, leaning over, kissing tattooed skin, up bamboo, through the tufts of curls at the nape of Paul's neck. He nuzzled his nose there just slightly.

"Good morning." It was soft and intentional. His lover was leaning back, sinking into a bare chest, skin tickling where hair rubbed across.

"Missed you."

"Wanna get breakfast?"

"I wanna eat you first." Jules shook his head, pressing a kiss onto a crooked neck.

"We need to talk."

"Is that really necessary?"

"Things were weird last night."

"Yeah, the first time." Paul turned, sitting on the bed under the thick stack of hotel pillows, he pulled a blanket over his lap and tucked his hands in. "Then we talked."

"We need to talk again."

"How many times can we talk about the same thing?"

"A few things have changed... we should talk about them. I know it's a lot, it's scary—"

Sigh.

"—I'm willing to compromise on when we have this conversation but we will be having another conversation."

"Okay." Pablo knew from Jules' tone that if he didn't give in the mood would turn sour. He was nodding. "I'm sorry, go ahead."

"I love you." He started with the obvious. "I know you just felt super open so y-you pulled away last night but I'm not goin' anywhere. And you don't want me to. You're just- you're angry and you're coping."

"And you're mean sometimes and you say things because you're mad and you're trying to push me away. But you can't get rid of me, okay? I-it's only gonna get harder when you're alone." When was he mean? He didn't remember. "We have a lot on our plate and I'm not always gonna be in a good place either but I'm your partner." Jules nodded. "We get through it together."

He didn't say that last night.

"I'm your person, okay? That means anything, all of it, we share it."

"...I do think we need to take it slower. I'm sorry I kidnapped you."

His lover fought a smile. "I live six blocks from here."

"Yeah but I pushed and you said that you were stressed and I should've listened."

"I needed a break, you know me that well."

"I love you."

"I love you back."

"Your show's next week." 9 days. There was only 9 days left before Pablo had to keep his shit together in front of Cleo Lavoie and her colleuges. Mike would surely drop him if he fucked this up. Anxiety prickled over his skin, he itched for the water bottle he'd snuck into his bag under the clothes Jules packed. "We're buckling down. You're using your westerns in your submission, that adds like 4 more pieces."

"They don't fit." I need a fucking drink.

"They fit."

"You'll have more time to focus on your finals." Jules shrugged, he didn't realize the way these thoughts arose, he probably never would. Pablo was wondering if he would be able to grab the bottle without it seeming off. He wondered if Jules would taste the gin on his tongue if he brushed his teeth shortly after.

It's what he's gonna do, he's decided. He's gonna go to brush his teeth and drink. Jules is still smiling but Pablo-Luis' eyes have lowered in shame. "I'm being realistic with you."

He was reassuring, assuming the face his lover was making was fear of failure. "You're gonna be extremely stressed if you don't start thinking ahead. Plus you're selling these pieces anyways. It'll give you more space in the studio."

"Mike would think it's a good idea."

Of course his manager would be on the side of efficiency. Pablo rolled his eyes, standing and stretching.

"I hate those pieces."

"They leave your studio whole."

Silence. Pablo was reaching to dig through the miscellaneous clothes that they'd scattered the night prior and Jules was still talking.

He was lucky, he knew he'd only get a second to pull this off and it had to be smooth. Pablo was reaching for his bag, grabbing the green Gatorade flask out of his bag and putting it on the table.

Jules would be suspicious if he took a sip so quickly. He grabbed a shirt, folded, tossed it over his shoulder.

"I think I was upset and I didn't understand why until Izzy knew something about you that I didn't." Jules was looking down at his hands and Pablo took the second to press the spout to his lips. A floral, elderberry, bitterness washed over him, a warmth in his chest.

He disappeared to the bathroom as Jules continued. And he was able to get a few more sips in, putting the bottle under the sink and his toothbrush in his mouth before Julian hit the corner.

"I think I got scared when you started mentioning other people cause, like, that's new to me. And I think the idea that he's still in your life is scary to me. Thank you for being honest with me about that by the way." He talking about the kiss, but just the sentiment wracks his lover with guilt.

"... It's new to me too."

"Do you wanna be with him?"

"No."

"This is the last time I'm asking 'cause I can forgive you for it now."

Pablo smiled, soft, he brushed the alcohol off his tongue, he spit into the sink and turned his face to see Jules again. His eyes are dialating, Jules doesn't notice. "I felt safe with him."

"Okay."

"He doesn't judge me." About anything. "I never wanted to be with him, I wanted comfort. I missed you." He's not sure how much of it's the truth but he knows it mostly is.

"Okay."

Jules doesn't seem convinced.

Pablo pops up, he's holding a hand out and Jules is shaking it.

"Hola, me llamo Pablo-Luis and I mess up friendship." He smiles. "Often." He spins is lover. "But tu es mi novio, mi corazón. It's you and me."

"You and me." Jules repeated. Love bloomed in his chest, worry sitting on top, he sees the bleariness in his lover's eyes, he assumes its fear. "All of it, everything. The anger and the pain. I'm here, I can take that."

"Okay."

It's sweet. It's what he needs but it doesn't stop Pablo-Luis from disappearing to the bathroom bar when Julian goes to find them coffee. It doesn't stop the shame when his lover finds him in bed again, pretending to need another five minutes so he can sleep off the liquor drawl and low lids.

Doesn't stop him from ending back up at the bar once he's been dropped off home. Jules has assignments and Pablo has an Angel's Envy neat.