YOU KNOW I HATE TO SAY IT
I TOLD YOU SO

Epilogue: when you need good luck, babe!

JULIAN

It's weird how easy it is.

To be around him.

Of course it's felt like years, until seconds started to feel like days instead.

A little better with time, is all.

It's easier to walk around the house now since I'm on such good terms with him. And it feels like friendship.

It actually does. Like, I can trip over my words and not feel nervous. I feel his eyes but there's no weird tension. I watch him across the room, it's hard but if I want to talk to him, I do.

It's been okay.

He's been okay.

At least he looks okay.

It's been three months. I think he's been sober. He's been talking more and there are no tears.

Ben's closer to him these days than I am, their rooms are close, they both spend time on the sun-deck. Ben spends his days working out, turning half the room into a makeshift gym and Paul paints.

I don't want to avoid the space but it feels like we're too close sometimes. Sometimes we're on top of each other and the house feels much too small for how many feelings I have. We can't lay together and spend all day together, it feels too intimate.

This is the first time I've been able to hit the weight rack, Paul's been out all day, I don't ask why... it's not my responsibility.

I'm racking the bench, sliding under, bench pressing a lighter weight than I've touched in years and it feels heavy.

I feel tired.

But I'm pressing through something around 95lbs... and then 120.

It's getting harder now, I feel my arms shaking. I rack the weight back for a second, sit up when I feel lightheaded and I swallow back a sickness I feel.

When it subsides, I'm back at it, Ben's shuffling into the room again, hopping down the short ledge. His feet nearly flop in slides and socks. And he's drinking from a water bottle, sitting one by my head.

"Need a spot?"

I nod. My eyes are trained on the bar.

"Five more?" He offers, before I can respond he's putting five on each side. "You got it."

"Gimme 8." Ben says. "C'mon."

He aids in sliding the weight off the rack, holds it only slightly before letting me lower to my chest. And push.

I blow out a heavy breath.

"One. Come on, pump. Two."

The encouragement is enough to help me get into a rhythm. It's hard but not impossible and the I shake half the way up the 8th. Ben grabs for the weight, lifting it off me when I start to fail.

"That's your third set?"

I nod, it's weak. I sit up and lean over like my heart's heavy.

I cough.

"Doin' a fourth?"

I want to say yes but I shake my head. Train until failure works more for my morale.

I flex a bit, staring over at my bicep.

Ben grabs for it.

"Solid."

"Thanks."

He nods, smiles a little. Throws me a rag from the stack he keeps on his pull-up set. I wipe my face, shake it through my hair.

He's doing pull-ups now, I try to avoid the sight.

Take a big sip, wipe my mouth. My arms feel weak. I turn when he speaks and it gives me enough cover to watch how his muscle contracts.

"You goin' to Andy's thing tonight?"

"Course." Ben's quick to answer. He asks a question I don't know the answer to fully. It comes out when his chin's over the bar and he's speaking almost like it hurts. "You guys coming too?"

I haven't seen Paul all day but, two days ago, he said yes.

"Yeah." It makes me nervous but I guess tonight's a good test. Should we even be doing this if he's back good? Does Paul need more time before being around alcohol and parties?

"How's that gonna go?" He dead-hangs.

"I don't know." I shrug. I try to stand but it feels too soon. "I don't wanna be controlling. We haven't talked about it."

"Controlling about what? The drinking?"

"Yeah."

"Jules—" he's jumping down now, stretching out.

"Not just that though, the making decisions for us thing too."

Ben sighs, he goes to sit beside me on the bench, his leg's pressed into mine. I try not to buzz but I'm jumpy. I haven't been touched in months and a night out just feels like a bad idea.

"You can't be concerned about that, you know."

"I know."

"Like, it's his shit."

Yeah.

"Worrying too much is how you get yourself caught up and thinking like that's no good for you."

But we're broken up. Even if it doesn't feel like it, he's not my boyfriend and it's not my place to make his space my space. He needs his space and I said I could give it to him.

A little part of me is worried that I'll be too much. Like, if I say too much or do too much he'll move out.

He still has boxes packed and it's been three months.

"Wanna go for a run?"

It sounds like a good idea. I'm starting to smell his cologne again, his face is much too close. I can see the mole on his upper lip, the way it jerks up when he realizes I'm looking.

Living with Ben these past few months have been hard.

And when I remember him and Wren, I remember Wren's insistence that Ben and I could work. He said it on his way out, half-mindedly and maybe he didn't mean it that way.

But he did mention that it would be hot. That Ben's big and good at what he does and it makes my stomach turn.

Warm.

I try to avoid it. It's been hard, because he's so hot and because he knows it too.

And Paul's told me he wants me to date, he doesn't want me to wait around on him. He's not ready, I don't know when he will be or if he will be and the time apart drives me insane.

The run would do me good.

"Yeah."

He nods, stands, grabs for my arm to pull me up and my body collides into his for just a second.

And his chest is hard, tight. I don't want to touch him more but his hands still on me and he pushes me in front of him, his hand glides down my back.

It's friendly and it makes it even harder.

:::

Paul's home by the time we get there, he greets us and Ben speaks for me. I smile, I try not to look at him that way.

I know I'm looking. He looks so good.

His hair is longer than it's ever been, it curls behind his ears. He's in a white tank that his nipple rings poke through, it's ridden up just a bit to see a slit of stomach and these navy cargos and his feet are kicked up on the coffee table.

All his tattoos are on display, map strewn across straight muscle. He's gotten a few new ones, some tiny script on the side of his neck. It's a Bible verse. There's a sun tattooed on his shoulder.

He's been working out with Ben, it shows. His body holds so much lean muscle, it makes my chest hurt.

I find myself sitting beside him before I can tell myself not to.

It feels like I'm in fucking heat.

Watching Ben's sweaty back as the sun beat on us outside, the definition in his calves, him licking his lips when sweat pours down his face and lifting his shirt to wipe his face.

It stayed up half the run, he'd tucked his shirt behind his head at some point and the definition in his abs set me ablaze.

The run was torture, it only did more to ignite me. My body's been hot for weeks and I wonder what it's like to touch him.

I've been thinking it for so long now, seeing the look in his eyes, he holds back but it pushes at the brim and I don't know if I'm fabricating the chemistry.

And being this close to Paul makes me want to kiss him. I want to be near him, I wish we were over this phase cause every second next to him makes me fall further in love.

And Ben's just here, buffering.

We haven't kissed since just friends was set in stone.

And it's driving me insane. It's making me act out in ways I wouldn't have. I would never look at Ben like that, not if it wasn't so obvious he was looking at me too.

And I can't have Paul.

"How was the run?" He asks when I've stared a bit too long. There's this wide-eyed look on his face, I wonder if he feels the tension too.

"It was good." I nod, lick my lip, and his eyes dart there. I have to remind myself to keep rooted to the couch.

"Yeah."

He smells clean, like he's just showered. I know I smell like outside. Ben's walking behind us, smacking my head and it actually helps to knock some sense into me.

"Hey, Paul, you comin' tonight?" He asks.

And Paul leans his head back, he's looking up at Benji who's stopped behind him.

"Yeah, I'll be there." He smiles.

The eye contact they hold is sexy from where I'm sitting. I'm thinking about those brown eyes, how they look clouded in lust. I find myself sighing and looking away while they make small conversation.

I can't listen, but Paul's doing that beautiful giggle and eye-squint combo and the celibacy is hitting harder than it has in weeks.

It's been so easy until now.

"Fuck."

There's eyes on me now... they're amused. Ben's circling the couch and finds himself on his recliner.

His eyes are narrowed at me when I look over and it suddenly feels like he's looking through me.

"You good?"

I nod. Paul's staring at me now and I feel the teasing in his eyes. I know that look, it feels like sex. And I pull a pillow to my chest, slide it down to my stomach. It's smooth, they don't notice but I want his hands on me.

And they're just chopping it up.

"Drew lives in college town still?" Paul asks.

"Nah, the new place is in Long Beach."

"That's close."

"He missed me, you know." Ben jokes. It feels like more of a truth. I can't focus on that as much when his legs are spread like that. They're big and thick and slightly hairy. He has an anime tattoo on his thigh.

It makes my mouth water.

Paul's speaking before I can stare too long and when I trail my eyes back up his body, Ben's looking right at me. The look is empty almost.

I feel myself blush when he looks away and my eyes are back on the pillow.

"I was thinking we take one car." Ben pipes up.

Paul nods so I do too.

"You drinking tonight?" He looks over at me, big brown eyes seem nervous almost and I make it a mission to not leave him alone.

"Not much."

He nods, smiles a little.

"Okay. I'll drive then."

Ben's yelling out a sound of approval, he's leaning forward, t-shirt on his head, body bare from the waist up and I catch Paul's eyes on him.

He's pulling the little box in the middle of the table closer and opening it to pull out a joint he pre-rolled.

I smile. My skin's still buzzing, I know it'll offer some time to relax and the party's not for another few hours.

"I wanna get there at like 9, you know? Before people start piling in." Ben says absentmindedly. "Wanna see the place 'fore its fucked up."

"Definitely." Paul responds.

I choose quiet.

: : :

Seems like everyone's relationship is falling apart these days.

The forty minute drive to Andy's was a little bit more torture. I chose the backseat, to avoid touching Paul. I knew that holding hands on the way there would lead to making out and he wasn't strong enough to build that boundary with us so I constantly had to.

And Ben's just happy he gets to dj.

He played 20 minutes of prime-era Lil Wayne, the other half is his favorites playlist that's chock-full of r&b and a little Ariana Grande.

All the windows of the Tacoma are rolled down and I can feel the excitement of finally driving the truck rolling off of Paul.

He's nearly smiling when I get out to open his door, his hand still locked on the handle and Ben's circling the hatch and grabbing a paper bag with three bottles of Tequila.

The house is maybe 2500 square feet, we park in the back lot, there's only room for maybe two other cars with how big the truck is.

Ben's tapping the hood of his Tacoma and running, taking the steps two at a time with his long legs.

And Paul's pressed to my side. He's holding my hand.

Bumping my shoulder with his as Johnny opens the door and Ben pulls him into a hug.

Then Johnny hugs us, I don't miss that there are tears in his eyes. Andy's always said how emotional he is but this time it's paired with a sour look.

Paul asks if he's okay and he nods, ushering us in behind an excited Ben who's already in the kitchen by the time we pass the threshold.

And there are maybe six people here.

People who I can only assume are college-friends and Johnny's friends.

It's not lost on me that he's only eighteen now. I wonder how much the age difference between them. Andrew's twenty-one.

His smile is bright, it juxtaposes his partner but the smile is infectious when he pulls Johnny to his side, kisses his forehead.

It feels like summer.

"Hey, J, how you been?" He's pulling me in for a hug that wraps all the way around me. He's kissing my head too, and I can't help but notice to look Johnny gives us.

Andy's pulling Paul now.

And Ben's already opening a bottle.

"Good." I reply, a little too late because they're already in conversation and when Andy's back in Ben's orbit, Johnny Casey is lacing his fingers with Paul and pulling him to the living room where three people sit on beanbags.

One guy two girls, I'm sure now that they're his friends.

"How are you, Drew?" I ask.

He beams, likely at the nickname. He's asked us to call him Drew for a while now and Ben won't let it stick.

"I'm great." And I can tell he's already been drinking. "The season's over, no more five-am practice."

"I know you like that." I laugh.

He laughs too and Ben's already taking a shot.

"Is JC okay?" He asks when he's back around us, throws his arm over my shoulder. He passed me a cup, I'm sure it's just tequila lime.

"Yeah, he's good." Andy replies, it's paired with a grimace and he's looking over our heads into the living room.

I'm not sure how true it is.

"Let me give you the tour."

He takes us through a long hallway, around five closed doors to the back room. There's a pinball machine in the doorway.

And then a bachelor-pad.

Three black leather sofas, a huge tv. A pool table sits in the opposing corner. "Mi casa es su casa."

There's a hookah on the table. A bottle of Johnnie Walker and some rocks glasses that sit on a pad next to Cuban cigarillos.

"This shit heat." Ben declares.

He's looking around and I find myself sinking into the couch on the left. Andrew's behind him, showing him around.

It feels like we've grown.

They're by the pool table now. I sip slow and try to avoid staring. Andy's butt looks good in his shorts, the wolf tattoo on his calves is fully settled in and he has a few new ones on the back of his arms.

Ben's racked up the cue ball and pulls a cue off the wall and I'm fingering the blunt he had me roll in the car.

It's all I can think about. I place it on the table to avoid until later and sip at the one drink I'll have tonight.

I don't want to worry about Paul. But there were so many bottles in the kitchen and I'm sure Johnny doesn't know to look out for it.

I keep reminding myself that it's not my place to micromanage him but I want to be by his side.

Andrew calls my name, motions me over and I oblige. My feet drag and I stare up at the pictures on the wall. They're all posters from old movies and my eyes catch The Godfather.

"This place is so nice, Drew."

He smiles, offers thanks. Hands me a stick, smacks my ass as I slide in front of him.

And I watch the look in Ben's eyes.

"J's a pool-shark." He says. Outs me before I've even put stick to table. I know it's to psych me out, he's always been one for competitive flare. I break the mold first.

And Andy suggests doubles. Ben runs to find a partner before the game gets started.

I'm turning to one of my closest friends and he's already looking at me. I press the rim of the solo cup to my lips and Andy pushes his hip a bit closer.

"So, how are you, really?" It's soft, paired with a soft look.

"I should be asking you that."

He doesn't agree, shakes his head and laughs.

"It feels like life's really just starting."

It does. "Because it is."

It's silent.

Then, "Johnny and I are great, you know?"

"Yeah." I do. I see the way they look at each other.

"It's just... the older we get, the more we fight."

He's looking away now, sliding his pool cue across the edge of the table.

"You're fighting? About what?"

He doesn't seem to know the answer, maybe he does but it feels complicated. He doesn't know what to say and then he says, "right now it's about sex."

That word hangs in the air. He's looking at me a way I've only seen on him once and I reel myself back to chalk my cue.

"We haven't..." he continues.

"You haven't? Ever?"

"I mean, we've done everything else."

That's new. They'd been together for almost four years.

"But you haven't." That's actually crazy.

Even crazier when he shakes his head.

"He told me the other day that he thinks he's asexual."

I couldn't foresee that, not with how hot and heavy I'd seen them.

"I just, I feel bad." He bites his lip. "Cause that means that every time we did things, he probably didn't want to. And now it just feels like we can't get past it."

"But you love him."

He scoffs. I can see it in his eyes that he regrets what he'll say next but he has to. "Not enough to never have sex."

"I mean, J. I'm just starting, you know?"

I got that.

"And he's young, you know? He might change his mind but what if he doesn't? I don't want it to end like that."

That was heavy. "You're thinking about ending it?"

He shrugs.

Ben's coming down the hall, I can hear him. Paul follows and he's amused at the enthusiasm.

"I got Paul." He calls out, hand on my love's wrist. I catch his eyes as he bashfully smiles and he's looking down at the table when they round the other side.

Andy's frowning at me before it turns to a smile and he's stepping to the wall to grab a cue, handing it to Paul.

The game starts. We're solids, it feels ironic at this point.

: : :

Paul's hip sway could make a grown man cry.

The way he moves.

I can't help but stare at him as he dances with Johnny, in the middle of the room, bodies on bodies. The party's in full swing and they're right in the thick of it.

He hasn't drank. I've watched him most of the night and he doesn't even turn towards the kitchen.

He joined us for a blunt on the patio out back and ever since then, his mood has felt lifted.

Ben's shoulder hitches mine, he leans into me when the song picks up to some fast paced reggaton and he's leaning up to yell into my ear.

"Having fun?"

It's a loaded question, the liquor makes it feel much heavier than it is. I nod with a laugh and he's throwing back his drink.

"Wanna dance?"

"I don't dance."

He knows that already, I'm not sure why he's asked. He's shrugging and stacks the cups on the table behind us, his on top. He then makes his way to the dancefloor.

He's squeezing between bodies, finding his way to Paul and Johnny and the latter greets him with a beaming smile. Johnny's drunker than most of us at this point and I'm grateful they choose to keep an eye on him.

I don't want to watch but I do, when they press Johnny between them, and they're dancing. Paul's hands are on his waist, steadying him.

The room warms up, like someone's turned the heat on. I watch when the beat breaks down and they're all gyrating in this weird display of haphazard limbs.

They look good. Like connected.

And Ben's pressed his chest to Paul's back. Johnny's in front of my love. JC spins around to face him and I swear they'll kiss.

I almost want them to.

"He looks good."

The voice is beside me, Andy's arm is around me, it hasn't really left. He's been pressed to me since the pool game and part of it feels like he's avoiding his boyfriend.

"Johnny?"

"Ben." Andy says, it's paired with a look into his cup. He doesn't seem too concerned about how it comes across.

"You want Ben?"

He laughs. "Who doesn't?"

Amen.

It's sad though, the look in his eyes.

I shrug. "Johnny looks good."

"I'm fucked." He states. "Want another drink?"

"I'm good."

He nods. "Yeah." I can tell he's nervous now and I bump my shoulder into his to kind of force him out of it.

"Dude, it's okay that you're attracted to Ben."

"It's not okay;" he laughs. "Cause I wanna fuck him."

"Yeah." I don't know what to say but I find myself awkwardly laughing. "Yeah, that's not okay."

Andrew's nodding again. I try to find humor.

"I mean, he does look real fuckable right now, so that's that."

He laughs again. "Shut up." It does good in lightening the mood. He's watching as am I and I know we should end this soon.

"Wanna get some air?"

He nods, swallows back the rest of his drink and stacks the cup in Ben's. "That'd be good."

: : :

"Paul and I fight a lot." I offered.

We'd been laying in the boot of the Tacoma for much too long in too much silence and something about the worried look of his face pushed me to try to relate.

It's always easier to hear you're not alone.

Andrew's been staring at the sky for maybe five minutes now in silence, there's a blanket rolled and tucked behind our heads and he's finally looking over at me when I speak.

"Yeah?"

I nod. I can't remember the last time we weren't always fighting. One thing this new living arrangement brought was more silence. We didn't speak much these days if it wasn't convenient and I wasn't sure if he was trying to give me space or he needed it.

"About everything." Sometimes about absolutely nothing. "It doesn't get easier but it does stop hurting."

We weren't fighting now, I didn't want to hover over him for too long.

That was a fight we had too.

Andy's sighing. His eyes are back on the sky so I follow suit and the stars are out.

"I'm just scared I'm gonna hurt him."

"You can't control that." People get hurt, it's life.

"I flirt." He responds, shakes his head when I roll my eyes, as if he can feel the dismissal. "A lot. I know it bugs him."

"You can't just stop?" It's a rhetorical question but he answers anyways.

"I mean, I try." And with a groan that sounds pained, he turns to look at me. "I'm horny, man. All the time."

The bass is still beating off his house, I can hear partygoers screaming, the outside is welcome solace.

"Don't I know it."

My best friend these past few weeks has been my hand and soon that wouldn't be enough. Thinking about Andrew being celibate for close to four years is almost horrifying.

"And I don't want to blame him for any of it. He still pleases me, you know?" That was a little too much information. "But I know he'd rather not."

That must suck.

"And that kills me." He confirms. "I don't wanna do something that ruins what we have and I feel like I will." I can feel the anxiety pouring off him.

"Does he live here?"

He shakes his head. "He comes over on weekends."

"And you still have Grindr."

It was a statement more than a question, I heard the ding on his phone mid-pool game and Paul and I exchanged a look.

"I deleted it." It's a lie that I let him get away with. "But we broke up a month ago and I thought about it."

"You think about it a lot?"

He nods.

"Maybe you should."

That wasn't the right thing to say cause he's sitting up now, pressing his back to the rear window. He crosses his legs and places his hands in his lap.

And his shoulders slump. "I love him, J."

"Yeah," I remind. I sit up too, instead I choose to face him, "you can be transparent about it."

"I mean, maybe you can figure it out... come to some kind of agreement... You shouldn't hold it in cause if you do, you'll end up doing something you regret." It would be easy now, a huge house in the middle of Long Beach.

I could tell he thought of that, that JC only comes over on the weekends. It bugs him more that I'm right.

"Like cheat." I remind.

I don't want to say more because thinking about Izzy makes me sad. There's so much space between Paul and his old life and for some reason it always feels like he's pushing me away so it won't hurt as much when he moves on.

Andy's looking at me when I fail to meet his eyes. He's got his head tilted, brown eyes pierced and nearly narrowed.

And he's looking back towards the house when there's noise, Paul and Johnny are outside on the deck sharing a cigarette and lost in conversation.

I watch my love, how the white linen button up he threw over blows in the wind. The smile on his face.

Andy catches my smile.

"You guys?" He asks, it's open ended but I know what he means.

"We're friends." I shrug. "It's weird."

The joint behind my ear has travelled to my fingertips and I thumb around in my pocket for a lighter.

"Yeah."

"I think about him a lot." I shrug. I know it's not a secret. "He's always around, it's really hard."

"And Ben? How's living with him now?" He's pulling a lighter from his pocket when I fail to find mine. I stick the joint between my lips and he lights it for me.

I'm still looking at Paul. "It's good. Great, even."

"Even with..." his words hold knowing and I find it funny how I didn't expect it. It's weird, I should've. With all our friends being gay-inclined, of course his bi-curiosity would be a topic of conversation.

Ben and I talked about it enough, of course he's asked Andy for advice too.

"He told you?"

"About Wren, yeah." He laughs, watching me while I inhale.

I pass the joint to him.

"I don't wanna cross that line." It's paired with a head shake, suddenly my hair feels too long. "It's unfair cause we live together, I don't..." want to make it weird.

"I know it'll hurt him so I don't." I shrug.

Andy nearly coughs when he laughs and it catches me off guard. I look back and our boys are back inside, Johnny's pulling the sliding door shut.

"But you want to?"

Of course I do. "Shit, have you seen him?"

"Yeah, I been looking."

He looks over at the house again, he licks his lips and the bad part of my brain tells me to kiss him.

"God, Drew." He passes the joint. "We work out together and it's like, I know there's chemistry and he knows and it's just too weird."

"And..."

"And I can't stop thinking about Paul."

He nods.

It's so true. I literally wake up thinking about him. I avoid the kitchen until I know he's gone. I wait until he's finished in the bathroom to even get up because I know that if I'm near him for too long I'll kiss him.

And I know he doesn't want that.

It would be too easy to fall back into what we know, what's familiar between us and Ben's so new to this, it's exciting.

He's been kissing Paul's forehead recently. He's been bumping his thigh against mine when we sit together. I can't avoid both of my roommates so I choose to pretend like I don't notice.

But he's never been more touchy.

"I think I'm gonna break up with him." Andy states. It makes me sad.

"I think that makes sense." If you can't do it.

"I love him." He reminds, like I'll judge him for it. "A lot."

"I know."

Andrew's looking at me again, this eyes have lowered. There's weed smell in the air and it creates a weird pull between us. And he's looking at my lips, he pulls his knees up, feet flat against the ground and his elbow props up. He pressed a hand to his cheek.

Wipes his hand over his face, looks at me through parted fingers. He looks away and holds that hand to his mouth.

And then he's laughing. "I wanna kiss you."

I can feel it too, my body wants to know how great it would be. We haven't kissed since that one time, I'm sure it would be different now.

It would be hot, heavy cause I haven't touched him in years and I know I'm eager for it.

"So, I should break up with him." He nods. Blows out a sigh when I pass the blunt back over. "Cause I wanna..."

"I just, I think about you a lot..." he states. It almost overwhelms me. There's a fire in my chest now and I can't really speak. If I say what I want it would lead to something wrong.

And he says what I'm thinking, "how different it would be. Do you ever think about that?"

"Not really." I lie. "But I wanna kiss you too."

"Don't tell me that."

His words are a whisper. His lips look so soft, and the mustache is sexy.

So is the way he's looking at me. If that's the way he looks at Johnny, I don't know how he can reject.

"I haven't had sex in, like, four- five months now." I say. I don't know why I say anything.

"Really?" He laughs.

I nod. "I'm not really that interested in it anymore, think I did enough fucking in Cali."

It's more than true. I haven't had as high a libido since California.

"Paul doesn't... we're not doing that so I'm not. I'm not gonna just go fucking around." It still feels like betrayal and "I still care for him."

"I miss him." I say. It's more than true.

"You live together."

"It's torture."

Andrew's amused smirk after that nearly makes me lean forward. I do but instead it's to take the joint from him again. "He's literally the most beautiful man I've ever seen."

"That's Johnny." He sighs. I know it feels like he can't do anything right, I know the feeling all too well. "He is the kindest person I've ever met." I'm sure it's true, I've never seen him be anything but nice. "And he's absolutely gorgeous, you know?"

"Yeah."

"And I want him in ways he can't want me." It's heartbreaking to hear the sadness in his voice. "And I feel like an asshole for not thinking that that's enough."

"You should talk to him about it."

He disagrees. "I don't wanna make him feel bad."

"So, you feel bad instead?"

I can tell it changes something for him when I say it. Maybe it's a selfish thought but I feel it's only more selfish to keep it from him and have these conversations behind his back.

If he loves you, he'll understand. "It won't be easy and it'll take a while maybe, but he does care for you."

It obvious. Andy's looking at me again and there are tears in his eyes.

"Is this no-nut clarity?" He jokes.

"I don't know man, I'm going crazy."

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

: : :

3 Days Later
PAUL

They're dancing. It's cute how Jules stands first, and he grabs Ben's hands, yanks him up and they're dancing. I assume the music's blasting, I can't hear it. The blinds are turned, I feel weird watching but he looks so carefree with Ben. He looks cute.

His body is rocking from side to side, a bounce on his toes, arms shifting up with his weight, it feels nostalgic. He has this infectious laugh, mouth wide open with hysterics. Just pure joy, I find myself smiling. And I haven't looked at Ben for a bit, I barely saw him standing there.

They look happy.

It looks like Jules has said something convincing cause Ben is... biting his bottom lip and doing a little move with his shoulders and Jules is laughing again.

Julian jumps a few times as if in slo-mo, he's dancing along, so contained.

It's beautiful, and he's still staring at Jules. It's like he's seen a gold brick behind a glass case.

He's staring too long cause Jules bumps into his rooted body.

Ben rights him.

Pause.

Ben's kissed him.

I see it through the window.

I swallow hard, and I'm unsure what to make of it.

Ben's kissed him. It's soft and awkward and Jules doesn't seem to understand until he pulls away.

And they're looking at each other then Ben's eyes go down, straight to the floor.

Jules is knocking his shoulder in, and then they're kissing.

For what feels like hours.

And what feels so sickly sweet?

They're holding each other, and Jules decides to kiss him, with dark hands on his chest and stomach and Jules isn't pulling away. He's allowing Ben to touch him, he's leaning into it, deepening it. A blind eye would think they've done it before. That they're so irrevocably in love it looks painful.

He's twining a hand around Ben's waist. He's holding his cheek, he's kissing him like he's kissed me. I feel it.

I don't feel angry. I don't feel jealous.

It feels weirdly sweet. Ben's hands are pressed to his face, skin soft, they're melting together. He's pushing forward into Jules' frame, completely.

Their lips mold together, like a painting.

It's bumbling and awkward and ... hot. The way they're leaning closer to the couch and Jules is standing between his legs as he's leant on the arm, They're kissing.

They look like best friends.

Jules is pulling back before Ben is, and then he's gently prodding migrated hands off the small of his waist with a soft laugh.

A shiver, the way he laughs, like I can hear it, sinks a heat in my chest and sets me alight.

I can't help staring.

They're just staring now. Jules nods, small.

Like they're connected.

Ben says something, quiet, I assume it's apologetic. He's stumbling to sit fully and Jules only smiles.

My key's turning in the lock seconds after. I hope I've given them enough time.

TBC