Three years later

My mind was cramped again. I knew I wasn't paying attention but doesn't know what I'm thinking. Might be the several thoughts of the day Mama died or the thousand ways I could have prevented it. My head was slowly becoming the only place I was accustomed to. It wasn't nice, all the guilty self destructive words. But at least it felt familiar, at least it didn't change.

"Yusrah" Minal called softly

I turned to her snapping out of my thought "Yes"

"let's go? She said in a questioning tone.

I quickly looked around the class and it was empty except for the two of us.

"Let's go" I replied standing up and walking out of the class.

"Yusrah" Minal called out again as we are walking out of the school premises

"Hmm" I answered not really paying attention to her.

"It's been three years" She said in a tone that she thinks is supposed to explain everything

I stopped then turned to her raising a brow "okay?

She dry laughed "What happened to you?

I looked taken aback and glared at her "Excuse me"

"Why are you acting..." She paused "Like this" She motioned her hands up and down

I pressed my lip in a tight line and kept quiet for a few seconds then spoke "Please elaborate your choice of words Minal"

She sighed "This isn't my best friend. Over the years I've watched you change. You've created a shell and retreated into it"

"I've lost a mother Minal" I harshly said

"You're not the first Yusrah" She replied in the same tone then looked apologetic and walked cautiously to me. Almost like she wants to pacify a wounded animal.

"Look, I'm sorry" She touched my arm "I miss our shopping days, sleep over, days we spend talking about unnecessary stuffs or eating unhealthy things. I miss them. Now all you do is come to school and leave immediately, you don't come over and even when I do, we don't do anything but mindlessly watch the TV"

I kept quiet and absorbed her words in. Is this how I've become? Distant? Did the overthinking of what would happen now that my mom is dead retreating me into a shell even when it's been three years and nothing bad happened?

Do I know all of this and still decide on doing nothing against it? Yes.

I turned to her "I'm sorry. It's very hard for me Minal but I'll try" I wanted to add more, maybe explain how I don't know what happened or why I am distant. But there was absolutely no reason to lie about it.

She held out a pinky finger, as childish as it will seem and said "pinky promise"

I locked pinky fingers with her and smiled "pinky promise"

She smiled back and together we walked out of the school.

I got back home and took a quick shower changed into something comfortable and started drifting off to sleep when a maid knocked on the door and came in.

"Madame" she called out to me in the process ending my sleep

I raised my head and regarded her "What?

"Sir asked me to call you"

I nodded and waved her off then reluctantly walked to the closet to get a scarf. After securing it on my head, I walked to my father's side.

The familiar now faint scent of Baba's bakhoor lingers right from the door of his living room. Mama used to light up the bakhoor every evening. After she died, the bakhoor left with her.

I opened it and the AC in there blasted on my face. The TV's light was the only light illuminating the huge room. My father sat on his three seater squinting his eyes at the television.

"Papa you call for me?

He motioned to the lights next to me and I flicked it on. The ombré lights came on and I went to sit next to him.

He sat up right and turned to me with a small smile "How are you?

"I'm good Baba" The lie rolls off my tongue mechanically to anyone that asks.

He nodded and switched his gaze between the television and me. Noticing his discomfort, I asked

"Baba what is it?

He took a deep breath which he concealed as a sigh and turned to me again "I have something to tell you"

I gulped not expecting what to hear. We never sat to talk about Mama's death or how that took a toll on us. I hope that is not the discussion he's aiming at because that is not a discussion I'm having.

"What thing?

"It's been three years since your mother's death" He paused and I hitched my breath

"And we all miss her so much"

I took a deep breath to mask the ache that wanted to erupt as a sob. Hearing him talk about her only deepen the wound.

"My relatives are worried. They are worried you don't have a motherly figure in your life"

I turned to him "And?

"And they're suggesting I remarry"

There was minutes of silence then I said "Do you have anyone in mind?

He was still for a moment "Yes. Your mother's friend has been very helpful through our hard times. You might not notice but she is usually around"

I nodded "Is that what you want?

He looked at me warmly "It's for both of us"

The words were there, they were at the tip of my tongue. I was tempted to say "It's for you, not me. I don't need anyone" but I nodded stiffly and smiled tightly

" May Allah choose Khair for us"

"Ameen" He held my eyes "Thank you princess for understanding "

I smiled at him, switched off the lights and walked out of the parlor.

I left to my room rigidly, and slumped on the bed looking up. So many thoughts push through shouting and wanting to dominate. I closed my eyes briefly and opened them again. My father wants to remarry because I shouldn't be alone, I just hope the decision doesn't end up making us lonely.

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In a span of months, the wedding preparations has started. And it both not being their first marriage it was only daurin aure and Yinin biki that held.

Today, at exactly 2:20pm, the knot wss tied which made the woman officially Baba's wife. At 4:00pm, It was time for conveyance of the bride and some of our aunties went there to get her.

I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about the wedding but I wasn't angry either. I was neutral. Waiting to see where my guts will take me. I was dressed in a very tight purple lace sown into a skirt and blouse that squeezes all the air in my body.

"Yusrah " My aunt called peeping from the door "let's go and welcome your new mother, they are here"

I nodded stiffly and stood up adjusting my veil deciding to ignore her choice of words. Mother? When did a stranger barging into your life earns the title of your mother? It wasn't until that thought did I realize the anger I'm harboring. I'm not okay with my father's marriage, in fact I'm far from it. We didn't need anyone, we were perfect alone. What if this woman comes between us? I've heard countless stories of the step mom making the father hate his daughter or make the daughter's a living hell.

Will that be my story?

I walked into Baba's living room and saw my aunt, Baba and a woman clad in veil. Her relatives had left and now she's awaiting a sermon either from Baba or my aunt.

"Sannu da zuwa amarya. (Welcome, new bride) My aunt says as I sat down

Baba cleared his throat and started

"Firdausi, here is a friend and sister please treat her like one. I can't say much but I hope you'll both be patient with each other"

" And Yusrah, here is a mother that I really hope you'll give a chance to. We have the opportunity to rebuild this family.

I was quiet and then he turned to the woman " Hafsa, here is Firdausi Yusrah's aunt and here is yusrah" she nodded shyly and I stared at her waiting for her to remove the veil, but she didn't.

"Are you shy? I asked and she let out a laugh

"Can we see your face? I added and she nodded then gently removed the veil. She wasn't as beautiful as my mom. But she was okay, since my dad chose her.

"You are beautiful" I started, swallowing the lump in my throat "I wish you both a happy married life" I smiled lightly, gave them one last look and exited the parlor.

I got to my room, brushed my teeth changed into my pj's and said my du'a. Ya Raheem I hope this woman brings goodness into our lives. I can't help but feel unease when I saw her .

Hopefully it's my own thoughts and not my instincts. I gently close my eyes on that note and dozed off.

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