I slowly opened my  eyes trying to adjust to the brightness of the room .

Where am I? what am I doing in a hospital? What happened?

Different thoughts swirl around in my head that it was difficult to find my own voice.

For a minute, things were blank until it all came down. Everything rushed in, the hospital, the cries, the wails, the death.

I thrashed against the bed not really knowing what else to do. Violence and agony at that time seemed like the only option.

"Calm down young lady" A man said calmly walking into the room and smiling at me. Easy for him to say, it isn't his mother that is claimed to be dead.

I narrowed my eyes at him

" You are the same person who lied that my mom is dead right? You lied didn't you? Tell them you lied? Tell them
She's alive and you were just lying. Say it! I shouted to the point of a scratchy throat.

He stepped back and then went out before coming back again but this time with my father and aunt behind him

"Baba" I called out to my dad and he walked and hugged me briefly

"Baba, is it true? Is...she dead" I asked in a strangled voice.

"Princess" He started sitting next to me
"You have to believe in qadr(destiny) and remember every soul shall taste death.
Mama doesn't need your tears, she only need your prayers. Just know that she has always, always loved you"

"Okay" I uttered gently feeling completely and utterly helpless and trying to lock out the voice that is screaming now what? What's next? What will happen? What does the future holds for us?

Instead I kept quiet. I didn't cry or shout and neither am I at peace. My heart was simply numb as I sat still letting every emotion roll off my back and not really feeling it.

"when are we going home? I managed to ask which came out as a whisper

" Now actually, we were waiting  for you to regain consciousness. I will be outside Firdausi you should come out with yusrah" My dad said turning to my aunt.

She nodded "Of course"

"Get ready" he said turning to me and forcing a smile and even when I tried to return one, I couldn't. My father is a strong man and although l want to be strong for us, I can feel every bit of strength slipping away from me. Still, I reached out and squeezed his hands in assurance and with one last look he went out.

"Baby girl let's change you from this hospital cloth" My aunt spoke in a weak voice coming to stand next to the bed.

I nodded and stood up.

After I was done changing, I performed ablution and observed my prayers together with those I missed. My heart aches badly as I silently let out my tears during the sujood.

When I was done, I stood up to leave the room and aunt came in with sandwich and tea.

"Breakfast? She asked looking to the tray in her hands.

I shook my head " No" my voice sounds so croaky.

She grabbed a water bottle and handed it to me "Water?

I took the bottle and finished it in one gulp realizing how dry my throat was and how thirsty I've been.

My last food or liquid was yesterday's breakfast. I didn't eat lunch at school because I was in a hurry to come home and meet my mother.

May your soul rest in peace " I silently  prayed for her.

"Let's go Yusrah" Aunt said taking ahold of my hand

We went out and found Baba with his two brothers and sisters. The women came and hugged me as soon as I walked out of the room.

Aunt murja was the first to pull back as she regarded me "We are so sorry Yusrah, you will definitely overcome it"

"Yes darling, Insha Alla (God willing)" Aunt hauwa added

I smiled at them and look at my father eager to leave this place. "Baba can we go?

He saw the look in my eyes and nodded with a smile. "Of course we can"

"Sorry Yusrah, indeed with every pain comes an ease. May her soul rest in peace" Uncle abdul said as I walk pass him smiling and muttering an "Ameen"

"Ameen" the rest also chorused

Their voices fell behind me as we walked out of the hospital and drove home.

^*^*^*^*^*^

"This girl is a pity"

"She lost her mom"

"She is now an orphan"

"And an only child"

"Ohh poor poor child"

These are the words I kept hearing. Words that people think are a way of showing their sympathy but instead words that sliced through my soul. Words that are not in any way making anything better. I hate the pretentious look some are having and hate the sympathizing mocking look others are giving me. Thankful that it is not them or their children in this situation.

Getting fed up with the energy in the house, I decided to leave and called Minal.

"Hello Yusrah. How are you? I am just on my way—

" I am coming to your house " I said cutting her of.

"Oh okay. I'll be waiting" She replied in an eager tone.

I hanged up the phone and went out to meet aunt. I walked by some women eating fried rice and chicken as if their life depends on it.

Hello, it is a condolence gathering not a dinner!

"Aunt" I called out to her when I spotted her back in the kitchen

She finished talking to someone and turned to me "Yes love what is it?

" I want to go to minal's house"

"I was also coming to suggest that for you. Thought this house might be hard for you stay in. Are you spending the night there?

I shrugged "Maybe"

"if you want I can send your clothes later"

"Okay, I would really need a break from this. Thank you". I replied hugging her sideways

She smiled warmly cupping my cheeks "Take care"

I walked out of the kitchen passing through the groups and groups of people before finally meeting the driver and asking him to take me to Minal's house.

Fifteen minutes later, I was at their door.

"Salamu Alaikum" I salam-ed walking into the house. The familiar scent of bakhoor hit my nose and I smiled at the familiarity.

"Wa alaikumus salam. Yusrah" Minal's mother, Aunt Hauwa appeared from the kitchen and walked over to hug me.

I greeted her and asked her where Minal is.

"I am here" Minal called out standing at the hallway to her room

"Go on, follow her" Aunt hauwa said patting my back with a small smile.

I nodded and walked to Minal's room. We settled on the couch next to her bed and looked at each other.

" soooooo" I dragged

"Sooooo" Minal mimicked me and we laughed

"What are we doing today? She asked as I look around

" I don't know" I replied honestly

The door opened and Aunt Hauwa walked in "Well I know"

She stared at our expected faces, prolonging the silence intentionally then said

"Why don't you two get ready so long I will prepare for you some food and snacks to take along. You both should have a picnic in a park and the driver can wait and watch over you. You can do some shopping as well or branch at cold stone or any ice cream parlor you two will settle for. who like the idea? She finished off smiling

"Me" both me and minal said in an overly enthusiastic tone.

"Alright then" she clapped her hands together "You two get ready"

"Thank you Maami" we said cheerfully

She winked "Anything for my darlings" and walked out

We quickly took our bath and dressed up. My clothes luckily arrived on time and I picked out a black gown. I applied powder,kohl and an a little lipstick.

I took my red veil tying it tightly around, wore red shoes and grabbed a small red bag and I was done.

On the other hand, her royal Highness is taking forever to get ready.

After a lifetime of waiting, she was done and we walked out of the room, collected the picnic basket, thanked Aunt Hauwa and headed out .

I spent the entire day watching the sun, the birds, eating soft and chocolate filled croissants, taking pictures with Minal and even dancing for some minutes. After our picnic we cleared up the place, dropped by the mall for a few dresses and bags and then finally headed back.

We got home and prayed. Then laid out our day to Minal's mom who got so excited that her planned day work out well. We watched movies a little then retreated to bed.

Snuggling in and dragging the quilt to my chin, I went through all that happened for the past two days and how I'm feeling at the moment. It was such a huge contrast to how I felt days before.

The pain didn't fade, it was still there. But now instead of the raging beating it does, it pulses slowly, numbly and somewhere deep within my heart.

Being thankful for that, I said my dua and closed my eyes.