(055 - I Fucked Up)

A whole lot of emotions in this chapter y'all. Hold your Kleenex 🤧💔.

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𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘
(Hilary Idara Eghosa)

Oh Shit!

My heart was pounding furiously against my ribcage, about to burst out from my chest and my head was spinning in circles until I started feeling so dizzy. I feared I was going to drop to the ground, unconscious, but this wasn't the time to faint. I couldn't even faint.

I was frozen to the ground, rendered completely immobile by Jidenna's sudden outburst.

What the fück does he think he is doing?

Safe for the barely audible curious whispers between my classmates, the silence that plagued the hallway was deafening and aggravating. I could literally hear my heartbeat echoing through the vast space, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me boring holes into every part of my skin.

It made me sick.

All I wanted to do right there and then was walk out of the hallway like Jidenna and everyone weren't there like they didn't exist. The last thing I wanted was to give my classmates the drama they desperately craved. The last thing I wanted was to be the one at the center of it all, again.

But no matter how much I tried to continue walking, I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, my legs having a mind of their own, slowly turned around to face Jidenna...

To face the majority of my classmates standing in the hallway, watching us with utmost curiosity.

I was caught in between.

Jidenna was standing a good distance away from me but not far enough for me to see him, not far enough for me to see every expression that crossed his face, every emotion that crossed his eyes. I could see his fidgety demeanor, his forlorn and depressed expression, and the plea in his eyes as he stared back at me.

"What the fuck, Jidenna,"

I couldn't stop myself from muttering, and due to the quietness of the hallway, my voice was loud enough for everyone to hear.

He started walking towards me – slowly, his hands held up in surrender, as if he was trying to tell me that he meant no harm. It was so ironic when all he has done for the past three months was harm me... hurt me.

"Please... hear me out." He was pleading, begging.

Tears had welled up in his eyes, falling in small beads, and it annoyed me to the core that I couldn't look or walk away from this. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't bring myself to.

It was painful because I wasn't supposed to care. I wasn't supposed to care what was going on in his mind, wasn't supposed to care about whatever he wanted to say to me. All I wanted was for him to put an end to whatever charade this was.

I wanted him to stop all this!

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" I whispered harshly, my tone warning – threatening.

He needs to stop. I need to walk away.

But I couldn't as much as take a step.

"Closure," He answered me.

My heart picked up a faster beat at that word and goosebumps sprouted all over my skin. My hands began to shake so vigorously that I had to clench my fist.

No.

"Jidenna–" I warned- no, pleaded.

"Let me give you closure, Hilary," He begged me, but I shook my head.

I'm not ready.

"S-Stop." My voice was beginning to quiver now, sobs rising in my chest, tears welling up in my eyes. I had to pause my lips because it was quivering too much.

I need Jidenna to stop. I need to walk away from this.

Then why can't I fucking move?

"Please, let me..."

He moved even closer, his hands still held up in surrender like he wanted to keep assuring me that he wasn't going to do anything to hurt me. His gaze filled with so much plea, so much sadness, and desperation that not only kept me still frozen to my spot but also had me automatically tongue-tied.

I should not be affected by this. I shouldn't be getting affected like this. I chanted in my mind, willing my legs to walk away.

Nothing.

"Jidenna–"

I didn't know what more to say, and I couldn't even say more because every word I was trying to will my tongue to mutter, every breath I had in me was knocked right out of me by what he did next... causing me to gasp in utmost shock.

Jidenna Okojie went down on his knees, right there and then... in front of the entire class,

And that definitely sparked up an uproar from the once quiet vicinity.

Everyone started talking at the same time, expressing their shock in one way or another. But I was too shocked to focus on the voices or anything anyone was saying. All I could do was stare down at Jidenna's kneeling frame that was just a few feet away from me, my eyes wide and my mouth agape.

BLOOD OF JESUS!

BLOOD OF JESUS!

BLOOD OF JESUS!

My heart was hammering fiercely against my chest, heaving with so much intensity. My lips were quivering rapidly, my hands were shaking in a frenzy that no amount of clenching of my fist could stop it.

This was the time to muster whatever little courage I had left and run for my dare life, but I swear, I was petrified, stock-still to the group beneath my feet. Jidenna had me trapped in this spot and he wasn't even holding me.

I couldn't move.

Jesus.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? Get up!" I whispered-yelled. My mind wasn't settled enough to know if everyone had stopped talking, but I could feel their eyes on me.

"I'm Apologizing," Jidenna answered me, remaining on his knees. My heart clenched in my chest, and the tears that had been welling up in my eyes began to drop in beads.

I wasn't ready for him to apologize.

"No–" I shook my head.

"Hilary please, it's all I have," He still had his hands held up, letting me know that he was totally and completely at my mercy.

God...

"No–" I repeated, shaking my head vigorously.

"You deserve so much more than just a measly apology from a FUCK UP like me after everything I did to you, but it's all I have. I wish I had so much more to give you, but I-It's all I h-have to g-give,–

All I can say is that I AM SO SORRY..."

His voice trailed off, his words breaking as sobs escapes his lips.

Jidenna was crying.

For the first time ever, I was seeing Jidenna Okojie cry.

Dear God...

"Jidenna, get up!"

He didn't.

"I fucked up," He said, his voice echoing through the hallway, loud enough for everyone and anyone to hear. "I fucked up so bad and I hurt you so terribly,"

I wiped my hands over my face, trying to stop the tears, but they didn't stop. And neither did Jidenna because he continued like he never stopped.

"You didn't deserve any of what I made you go through. You didn't deserve all the pain and heartache I made you go through Hilary. All you did was care about me and I repaid you by breaking your trust, taking our friendship and relationship for granted.–"

Oh, God...

"–I ruined everything because that's what I do. I ruin things and I run away like the stupid coward that I am. A stupid, stupid coward."

I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my eyes like a torrent now.

"You didn't do any wrong, Hilary. You've never done anything wrong. The only mistake you've ever made was caring for a Fück Up like me because God knows, I never deserved it. I still don't deserve it."

My heart broke.

I wasn't supposed to be affected like this. I wasn't meant to be crying like this. But I couldn't help it. No matter how much I tried to focus on everything negative, all I could hear was the plea, the desperation... the utmost genuinity in Jidenna's voice... in his eyes.

He was breaking through my walls and I hated it. I hated it so much.

It's a lie! It's a lie!

And just when I thought all he was going to do was apologize...

"Beauty was right, I cheated on you with her," He dropped the bombshell, eliciting a big outburst from everyone.

Fück!

My eyes widened like saucers.

"Jesus!"

"So, Beauty wasn't chasing clout that day!"

"I said it! I knew there was something off about the way they shut her up."

"Omo! So Jidenna was actually the one that cheated on Hilary, not the other way round!"

"Wickedness!"

"All men are scum! Feminist for life!"

Insults and attacks flew out from corners of the hallway aimed at Jidenna. I, on the other hand, could not stop staring at him, wide-eyed, stupified beyond all comprehension.

For someone that has always cared about his reputation, obsessed with looking absolutely perfect and faultless to the entire school, he was putting everything on the line just by owning up to his truth in front of everyone.

I don't believe it.

I wasn't too shocked by that revelation because I figured it out the night of TK's party. What really shocked me was the fact that many of my classmates didn't know the truth like I did, and here he was telling it unfiltered. He wasn't just apologizing, He was taking Responsibility.

Jidenna Okojie was taking Responsibility! In front of the whole class!

This isn't real. This isn't real! He doesn't mean any of it! I chanted desperately within me, willing myself to believe.

And he wasn't even done, yet.

"I lied and created a false narrative about you to the whole class," He continued, his quivering voice rendering everyone silent. "I twisted the truth and made you take the fall for something you didn't do, instigating everyone against you because I wanted to save my face after you broke up with me.–"

He wasn't just taking Responsibility, He was Clearing my name, in front of the same people he tarnished it with.

It's a lie. It's all one Big Lie! One Big Ploy!

"–And you had every right to break up with me because I was supposed to be there for you after Henry died,–"

Everything in me wanted to combust at that very moment. My head began to buzz sharply, painfully, my hands shaking with so much vigor and frenzy. I could feel my entire body vibrating with the anger that suddenly gushed through me like a tidal wave, almost knocking me off my feet.

Tell me Jidenna didn't just mention my brother's name!

"–I was the reason the both of you were out that night, the reason the accident happened, the reason Henry is dead–"

Everything came flooding back like a torrent, everything that happened from the beginning to the end of that day. Every single memory I've tried my best not to re-live, every single memory I have pushed deep down, repressed behind a red door... all of it came flooding back in a painful wave.

...The honking of the truck...

"Stop–"

My voice came out in a strangled, barely audible whisper. Either Jidenna didn't hear me, or he acted like he didn't because he continued.

...Tires shrieking on the asphalt...

"–What happened that day was not your fault, Hilary. It was mine, it was all mine. Henry's death is all my fault–"

...The car breaking through the barricade...

No...

... Henry's last look at me...

"–I shouldn't have told you to come out. If I didn't, Henry wouldn't have had to–"

My head exploded

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, cutting the rest of whatever Jidenna wanted to say off and plunging the entire hallway into frightful silence.

"Hilary–"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"

I kept screaming, every tiny bit of sanity I have desperately been holding onto since the beginning of the day fading away into nothingness. My heart was pumping and I was out for blood.

Jidenna's blood!

"YOU DON'T GET TO SAY HIS NAME, JIDENNA! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY MY BROTHER'S NAME AFTER EVERYTHING!"

I shrieked at the top of my voice, my screams echoing so far and wide, loud enough to alert anyone and everyone within a five-mile radius, including teachers.

Like hell, I cared!

"I know," Jidenna was on his feet with a start. "I know, Hilary–"

He tried to touch me, and I erupted.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

He veered back, bloodshot eyes staring at me, pleading with me, but that look wasn't working anymore.

Apologize my foot! Closure my foot!

This wasn't an apology. This wasn't closure. This was all a motive. Admitting it in front of the class, owning up to his mistakes, it was all a ploy for him to put me in a spot and force forgiveness out of me.

Never.

NEVER!

At this point, all I could do feel was anger, hatred, betrayal, sadness... deep, harrowing sadness that only seemed to grow deeper and deeper, that kept clawing on my insides, causing the hole in my heart to grow wider and wider. The flux of furiosity that flowed through me only made fresh tears well up in my eyes and I began to cry all over again.

And it was all because of Jidenna, again.

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"

I spat out, not caring about the audience we had or their reactions, not caring about anything. All I wanted to do was hurt him so bad just like he had hurt me. And from the way his shoulders slumped in dejection, the way his face fell with so much sadness, I knew I had hurt him.

But it wasn't enough. God, it wasn't enough!

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR HURTING ME, WHEN I EVER DID WAS CARE ABOUT YOU!"

I picked anything I could grab from my bag and threw it at him, making sure it hit him square in the face.

"Hilary–"

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR RUINING MY LIFE!" I threw something else, and with everything I threw, I moved closer to him.

"Hilary, please–"

I threw another book at him,

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR ALWAYS MAKING ME CRY!"

And another book,

"I HATE YOU SO MUCH BECAUSE I'LL PROBABLY NEVER SWIM AGAIN BECAUSE OF YOU!"

I threw everything at him; books, pen, water bottle... till I finally got to him, lifted my bag, and started hitting him with it.

That elicited an uproar around the hallway, people yelling for me to stop but no one made any attempt to stop me, and neither did Jidenna. He didn't fight back. He allowed me to hit him, crying just like I was.

He was fücking crying!

Who the hell is he to cry!

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,"

That was all he kept muttering as he surrendered to my assault. And I hated that he surrendered.

"FIGHT BACK, YOU COWARD!" I screamed in hysteria, hitting his chest, "FIGHT BACK!"

I Pushed!

I Shoved!

I Challenged!

I wanted him to hurt me like he has always done. I wanted him to cause me pain like he has always done. I needed more reason to hate him more reasons to loathe him.

But all he was doing was apologizing.

"I'm sorry, Hilary," He cried. "Hit me. Please hit me because I deserve it."

And I hit him! I kept hitting him, hoping to get the littlest satisfaction from hurting him physically. But nothing came. Just more of the hallowing feeling that kept digging deeper and deeper into my chest.

It aggravated me to the core and made even more anger fuel my chest. It made me hate him even more that the physical pain I was inflicting on Jidenna did absolutely nothing to take my own pain away!

It made me so LIVID!

"YOU TOOK MY BROTHER AWAY FROM ME!"

I became hysterical, pulling frantically on his shirt, shoving his chest as hard as I could, as painful as I could. I Punched Him. Kicked Him. Slapped Him, wanting nothing more but to inflict pain on him and make him bleed out. I kept slamming the hardest surface of my bag as hard as I could against his face.

It was at this point everyone around started getting worried.

"Someone should please hold Hilary. She's going to kill Jidenna!"

"Jesus Christ! He really hurt her!"

"God, now I'm pitying Hilary o,"

"Jidenna is so wicked!"

"Someone should go and call Kizito o!"

Nothing anyone was saying was of importance to me because all I wanted to do was get to Jidenna, but some of our classmates had begun to stand between us, some holding me back and the other stopping Jidenna from attempting to move closer to me.

The entire hallway was thrown into another round of mania, but this time, with people trying to keep me as far away from Jidenna as possible.

"LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" I screamed, trying to shove anyone holding me down away so that I could lunge at Jidenna and KILL HIM!

"Hilary!"

The very familiar male voice called my name from what felt like a distance. But the next minute, I felt a body right in front of me, strong arms around my waist in a tight grip, actively trying to stop me from getting to Jidenna. I cried, screamed, kicked, and tried to pry whoever's hands were around me.

"LEAVE ME, LET ME KILL HIM!" I was trashing around, shrieking, crying profusely.

"Everybody clear out right now!"

Kizito's voice suddenly filled the atmosphere, thundering out that order. My vision was cloudy, I couldn't see anything going on around me but I felt the multiple bodies around me starting to disperse at the command even though I knew they were still lurking around, every single one leaving my side except He who was struggling to hold me down.

He was the only one standing between me and Jidenna's head!

"LET ME GO!"

I jabbed at him, and he grunted in pain, but still didn't let me go.

"Hey, It's okay. It's okay."

He whispered softly, that deep, soothing voice pleading with me and trying to get me to calm down. I knew that voice. I was supposed to calm down at the sound of that voice. The only voice that could hold me transfixed and spellbound. The only voice that could successfully calm me down.

But I was too much on a roll to listen to that voice right now.

I wanted to KILL Jidenna Okojie for breaking me like this!

"Hilary!"

"Hilary!"

The new voices sounded like Dawn and Semeeha, sipping with so much concern and worry, followed by their frantic steps as they ran towards me.

I couldn't stop trembling, couldn't stop the sobs that escaped my lips, the tears that flowed from my eyes like Niagara falls. Screaming and yelling at Jidenna didn't make me feel any better. If anything, I felt heavier, sicker, sadder... emptier. The hole in my heart only grew wider, deeper, and more agonizing. It became too excruciating to endure.

I just wanted to die!

"What the hell do you think you are doing, Jidenna? What is the matter with you!" It was Kizito that was yelling, and I knew he was talking to Jidenna.

"I was only trying to–" His voice broke, quivering. "I swear, I didn't mean to– I'm so sorry, Hilary. I'm so sorry!"

That was all it took for me to intensify my attempt to break free from his grip. I wanted to leap over everyone's head at that moment to get to Jidenna and rip him into shreds.

I saw Red.

"FUCK YOU, JIDENNA!" I shrieked like a mad woman. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU ROT IN HE–GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, SIMI!–"

While Dawn, Semeeha, and Kizito yelled for Jidenna to keep quiet, I was raving like a beast, trying so hard to break free from Simi's hands around me, hitting his chest, shoving him as hard as I could, struggling to get away from him.

"Hilary, please. Hilary please..." He repeated, keeping his grip around me as tight as possible, trying to stop my hands from hitting his chest.

But I was out of control. I was totally out of control!

"He Killed My Brother!" I screamed in pure and undiluted agony.

"I know... I know," Simi was trying to pacify me but I wasn't hearing it. I didn't want to hear it.

"HE KILLED HENRY!"

Everything came rushing back again, only this time, a lot more dreadful and horrific, playing in my head slowly, dragging every single event of that night out painfully. Excruciatingly.

I was the one that disobeyed my parents and left the house to meet up with Jidenna.

I was the one Henry came after, was the one he was trying to protect.

I was the one in the car with him.

I was the one that survived, instead of him.

Jidenna didn't kill Henry. I did.

I killed Henry.

I KILLED MY BROTHER!

My chest grew tight, contracted, and bile rose in my throat. I stopped fighting against Simi and brought my hand to my chest, clutching it, hoping it would relieve the unbearable pain that was building up from the lack of air in my lungs. Breathing was getting hard. Really hard. As if I'd just run the London Marathon.

I gasped for air.

"Hilary?"

Simi noticed. The worry and fear that spilled from his tone made it evident that he had caught on to what was going on with me, with why I couldn't suddenly catch my breath.

"Shit! SHIT!" He cussed in realization.

I can't breathe!

"What's happening!"

"What's going on?"

"She's having a panic attack!"

"Fück!"

I couldn't focus on whose voice was whose. Not with the way blood pounded in my ears. Not with the way my heart thudded in my chest. Not with the way my hands were shaking uncontrollably, or the way my feet tingled.

Feeling like I was being choked, I clawed on my neck, trying to find the littlest clean air to breathe in.

Nothing. I found nothing.

"Hilary?" I felt his hands holding my face in place, trying to get me to look at him.

But I couldn't. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't. My vision was distorted as if I was looking through a fish-eye lens.

I shattered to the ground like a ceramic vase, and Simi followed me.

"Hey," He lightly tapped my cheeks, trying to keep me conscious, trying to keep me focused on him. His voice was laced with panic, desperation, and horror.

"You have to listen to me, Okay?" He cajoled softly, gently. "You have to breathe. I need you to breathe with me, okay? You can do it, Hilary. Just breathe. Please, just breathe."

Simi began to breathe in and out, trying to cajole me to follow his move, to mimic his action. I tried. I tried so hard.

But my windpipe was clogged up.

"I-I C-Cant." I choked out.

My body felt so weak. I felt so weak.

"Shit!"

"Health Centre! Let's take her to the health Centre!"

"This is all your fault, Jidenna!"

Everybody was talking at the same time, yet everything sounded so faint, so distant. It all sounded like they were fading away, slipping away... like I was slipping away. Tears started trickling down my eyes as I gave up trying to breathe and gave in to suffocation.

"Stay with me, Hilary," I heard his voice faintly as my eyes fluttered close. "Stay with me,"

The last thing I felt was being lifted in Simi's arms before slipping into darkness.

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𝐉𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍𝐍𝐀
(Jidenna Leo Okojie)

"You son of a–!"

A painful slap across the face was what ended that statement.

Fuck!

My head sharply jerked to the side at the hit, a very painful sting filling my face. I had to touch my hand to spot where she slapped me to soothe it and felt it burn under my palm. It hurt... so bad, but the last thing I could do was complain. I dare not complain that she slapped me.

Not when I deserved it and so much worse.

"Semeeha!" Dawn snapped, chiding the dark-skinned girl that had slapped me.

"What!" She snapped back at Dawn, before looking back at me, malice and hatred burning in her gaze as she glared murderously at me. I couldn't even hold her gaze. I had to look away.

"Oh, now you are looking away!" She fired at me, her voice echoing through the empty hallway of the female ward.

"I thought you were a jagaban naw," She mocked. "I thought you ruled the school bah, you had everybody at your beck and call. Fearless Jidenna Okojie!" She mockingly hyped while I looked away in shame. "But now you can't even look me in the eye, Jidenna! You don't have the decency to look me in the eye because you fucking ruined my best friend!"

My heart clenched painfully in my chest, fresh tears stinging my eyes.

Hilary...

I messed things up again. I keep messing things up.

"I-It was not m-my inten-ntion," I hated the way my voice was shaking, hated the way I was quivering. But I couldn't help it.

"Oh, Fück you!" Semeeha immediately called bullshit.

"Semeeha," Dawn called, her voice still chiding. "This is neither the time nor place to scream and show your displeasure about anything. This is a terrible, terrible time!"

"So when is it a good time?" The model countered. "When is it a good time to let this empty-headed piece of horse shit," She jabbed her finger at him, her insults hitting me like bullets, "know that he's a very wicked person and deserves all the pain in the world! Ehn, Dawn? When?"

Semeeha wasted no second firing insults upon insults at me, her choice words directly picked to hurt me to the core. And yes, they were hurtful. Very hurtful. Pricking through my skin and filling my entire body with anguish. But then again, I deserved way worse than what she was dishing out to me.

Like she said, I deserved all the pain in the world for putting Hilary through so much pain all over again.

I should have stopped when she told me to. I should have stopped trying to get an audience with her when she blatantly acted like I didn't exist. I shouldn't have pressured her the way I did. I shouldn't have touched her. Why did I even fücking touch her when I should have known I'd trigger her?

I was the cause of her misfortune, the reason behind her tears, her heartache. I'm the reason she'll never see her brother again. I'm the reason her family will never remain the same... the reason she'll never remain the same.

She's had a mental breakdown in front of the entire class because of me.

She had a panic attack because of me.

She's hospitalized, again, because of me.

I was nothing but a bad omen to Hilary. I was nothing but a curse.

I don't deserve her forgiveness.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen," I whispered, looking at the two girls that used to be my friends, hoping they'd look at me and see that I never meant to hurt Hilary again. But while Dawn remained silent, Semeeha scoffed in disdain, obviously not buying it as I had hoped.

That didn't stop me from continuing.

"All I wanted to do was apologize," I went on. "All I wanted to do was own up to my mistake, to accept it all before her. All I wanted to do was ask for her forgiveness, and give her the closure she deserves. I never meant to do all that in front of the class. I never meant to hurt her again. Believe me, please..." I desperately begged.

I looked between the both of them, badly wanting them to see that I was really sorry, that I never meant for things to escalate this way. But I have ruined my friendship with these girls so bad that they'd never trust anything that comes out of my lips. So I won't be surprised if they didn't believe me.

After all I've done, the pain I have caused, I wouldn't believe me either.

And I was right...

"No one wants to buy your bull crap anymore, Jidenna," Semeeha spoke, the disdain very evident in her voice. "You didn't do any of that for her, you did it for yourself, you selfish prick!–"

"Semeeha," Dawn warned, but the dark-skinned girl ignored her and walked up to me to jab her finger into my chest.

"You don't think about anyone but yourself, Jidenna. You are disgusting!" She spat out ferociously, her words hurting me more than they should. I hung my head, blinking away the tears that started welling up in my eyes.

All I could do was nod in agreement to her insults. I am disgusting.

"I bet you did all of that in front of the class just to seem like the ideal guy that owns up to his bull shit. You were only doing that to save face, Jidenna. News flash fool, no one is buying that act here. No one!" She jabbed her finger sharply into my chest to punctuate her statement before backing away from me.

No one needed to tell me that I had hit a brick wall with her.

Semeeha obviously wasn't buying any of it. I wouldn't put it past her because she has always been hard-core, the first to excommunicate herself from me when everything went down three months ago.

Dawn, on the other hand, had not said anything directly to me since we've been here, except trying to shut down Semeeha's bazooka of insults fired at me. But right now, her eyes were on me, watching me intently though impassively.

I couldn't tell what was going on in her mind, but I really hoped she could see me... see my genuinity. I just wanted them to know that I meant no harm. No harm at all.

"What are you still doing here?"

Kizito's hard voice sliced through my thoughts like a knife. I immediately leaned away from the wall I was resting on, standing upright to look at him.

Simi Jordan was there too, but his gaze was fixated on the floor. I was thankful he wasn't looking at me. I can't begin to imagine the look he had in his eye right now. I don't think I'd be able to stand it.

So I focused on Kizito. Even though his gaze was hard on me, I felt I could handle it since I was already accustomed to him.

"How is she? Is she awake?" I asked him immediately, trying to peek into the ward without moving close to either Kizito or Simi at the doorway, especially after Kizito's face hardened even more.

Semeeha scoffed in disbelief. Dawn remained quiet as usual. Simi was also quiet, but his own quiet was... Scary.

"You have absolutely no right asking me that question, seeing that you are the one that put her there!"

He advanced towards me in large, murderous steps that had me jumping back in fright. If not for Dawn and Semeeha that jumped to his front, I'd have been spotting a black eye.

I quickly clasped my hands in front of me in a pleading gesture, ready to beg for my life.

"Kizito, I swear to God–" I began.

"What the hell was that charade for!" He thundered, cutting the rest of my words off. "In front of the class? After everything that happened in September. Are you serious!" He sounded so incredulous like he couldn't believe I did all that. But the truth remains it wasn't intentional.

It was never intentional.

"Kizito, please. Let me explain–"

He didn't let me.

"What sick, demented game were you trying to play?"

He fired at me, and my heart broke even more, knowing that no matter how much I tried to convince them that I mean to cause that scene, they won't believe me. That's how much I've ruined their trust in me.

"It's no surprise that you are obsessed with having the spotlight on yourself, Jidenna. But why did you have to drag Hilary to the middle of it again? After all the pain, why can't you just let her be!"

"It was not intentional!"

I cried out in frustration, desperate for them to hear me, to listen to me even though they had reasons not to. The tears I've been trying to push down since I got here started dropping from my eyes in beads, but I no longer cared.

"I know I have hurt Hilary so much! I know I have been nothing but the harbinger of pain in her life. I know everything I did, I accept it with everything in me, and I'm going to live the rest of my life regretting it all, but I swear to God, I didn't mean to trap her like that. I didn't mean to put Hilary on that kind of spot, I swear!"

The tears were flowing like a stream now, even complimented with little mucus running down my nose. But I was way past caring.

"I was so caught up and that was my mistake," I continued. "I just needed Hilary to know that I was sorry– that I am sorry. I just wanted to own up before her, accept it all before her, and plead for her forgiveness. I fucked up, guys, and I wanted her to see that I knew I fucked up, and that I have accepted my fück up, and that I. AM. SORRY–"

My words trailed off as embarrassing sobs escapes my lips. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to stop them from being so loud. The silence was not helping matters.

"I-I a-am s-sorr-ry," I whispered, too embarrassed, too ashamed to look either of them in the eye. "And I know my words don't hold any water after everything I've done but from the bottom of my heart, I am. You guys don't owe me any forgiveness, you are not under any obligation to accept me back, but I need you to know that If I could, I would take it all back. Every single thing I did.–

I'm here because I caused all this, and I want her to be okay. There is nothing else I can say except I am sorry. I. AM. SORRY."

The silence that came after that outpour seemed to stretch out for generations. I was too ashamed to look at their faces, to see their reactions, so I kept my head down, silently sobbing, and praying that I find a tiny bit of favor in their eyes.

I wasn't looking for forgiveness, that would be far-fetched. I just needed them to see that everything I said came from my heart, that it all came from a place of regret, humility, and acceptance.

I have taken full responsibility for my actions and owned up to it all. I just hope they see it that way.

But I guess I hoped too soon.

"Leave,"

That was neither Kizito, Semeeha nor Dawn.

It was Simi.

And that was what caused me to look up with a start.

He was still looking down, his gaze steadily on the floor, but the energy that exuded from him was intense enough to know that he was angry–no, furious. The way he kept clenching and unclenching his fist was another dead giveaway that this guy was mad with rage.

"What–"

He looked up and I always fell at the ferocious anger that blazed in his eyes. I swear, I could see literally fire burning in them. The fact that he was looking at me with raw, unadulterated fury and my head was still intact showed how much self-control he was hanging on to at this moment.

Made me wonder how long I had before it finally snapped.

"You have caused Hilary enough pain," His voice was calm, so calm that chills ran down my spine and goosebumps sprouted on my skin. "I'm never going to let that happen again.–

So, I'm going to walk in right now," He nodded at the entrance. "And when I come back out, I don't want to see you anywhere near here. If I do... I am going to do what I stopped Hilary from doing. I'm going to KILL you,"

My breath caught in my throat at that threat– no, Promise. It was a promise Simisola seemed so eager to fulfill.

"Please–"

He walked in, giving no room for me to plead my cause. Kizito followed after, and Semeeha followed behind Kizito, muttering "good riddance to bad rubbish". Only Dawn was left with me, but she still wasn't saying anything even though I could feel her eyes on me.

I nodded slowly, forcing back the fresh tears that were beginning to well up in my eyes from nth time today.

It's over. It's all over.

I turned around to leave.

"I'll let you know when she wakes up," Dawn finally spoke, causing me to pause in my steps and turn back. I looked at her, unable to hide the shock that marred my face while she still stared back at me, impassive.

"Thank you," I whispered my gratitude. She didn't say anything back. She only nodded, and I took that as my cue to leave.

I turned around to walk away again.

"I do believe you," She spoke again, making me stop short again and turn around to look at her again.

"But we are not the ones you should be trying to convince," She finished, this time her expression a little softer. She held my gaze in hers, her eyes holding what looked like pity.

She pitied me.

Same here, Dawn. I pity myself, too.

"I know," I answered, my shoulders falling in dejection.

She was right. They weren't the ones I really needed to convince. But heaven knows after what happened today, I think I've hit a permanent brick wall with Hilary for life.

It's all over.

Dawn nodded, something that resembled a sad smile playing on her lips. It was as if she knew exactly what I was thinking. She knew that trying to convince Hilary was never going to happen. Not after what happened today.

"Take care, Jidenna,"

And with that she walked into the ward, leaving me to deal with my heavy heart all alone.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆

+2348156***67
As if I knew that whole thing with Hilary was a gang up! How can Jidenna be so wicked?!💀💔

+2340701***55
Wickedness is an understatement. Confirm demonic behavior! Not only did he cheat on her, but he was also the reason her brother died! Kai!🙄😑

Isimeme.
You guys are so jobless😒.

+2348136***68
See how this guy just suffered Hilary anyhow! We owe that girl one big apology.

+2340867***33
I still can't wrap my head around the fact that Jidenna did all that☹️. He has always been such a nice person.

+2349158***90
Nice person my ass! I've always known there was something off about him.

+2340763***01
Of course🙄. But you were so quick to listen to him when he started that rumor about Hilary. Be capping duns there. Ass kisser.

+2340936***35
All this plenty plenty talk on top Jidenna and Hilary's case. Omo, the length at which people go to gather attention to themselves. I'm sure all that drama in the hallway was planned. See how extra Hilary was behaving na🙄.

Just passing through tho🚶🏽‍♀️.

Lase✨.
You are very stupid, Tomilola😒.

My phone kept buzzing so much, I had to put it off, pushing it to one side of the floor I was sitting on.

I've been hiding in this old table tennis room in the recreational building since I left the health center. I was here when the closing bell went off a few minutes ago, but I still didn't attempt to leave because I knew some of my classmates were still lurking around school, probably waiting for me to make an appearance at our block so that they'd eat me alive.

I didn't need anyone to tell me that I was now the most hated person in our set.

The class group chat was on fire, with so many people coming up with their different versions of what happened, spicing it up to make it juicier. Insults kept firing at me from every corner, some classmates even entered my DM to let me know how much they hated me, how much of a wicked person I was and how much I deserved everything bad in the world.

Even TK that hasn't been speaking to me and has been selectively scarce since our argument weeks ago was suddenly blowing up my phone with calls, text messages and WhatsApp chats asking me where I was. I haven't seen him throughout today, not even in the perfects meeting, but he must have found out what happened. I didn't need anyone to tell me that he did not agree with it. In fact, this was the kind of thing TK was expressly against.

Social Suicide.

I didn't respond to any of them. I didn't want him or anyone to know where I was till I was certain the school was cleared and it was safe for me to go home.

You are still a Coward! A dark, malicious voice growled in my head and I winced, holding my head in my palm.

Shut up...

You are still running away from your responsibility, still running away from your fuck ups even when you said you are not. It went on, mocking me, deriding me. I groaned as pain filled my head.

Shut Up...

You can't even face your classmates because you can't handle the hate. You can't handle people hating you, Jidenna. You are spineless. You are WEAK! It kept taunting. The pain in my head became even more excruciating.

Get Out.

And all you do is hurt Hilary time and time again because that's what you do. You hurt people that care about you. You hurt people who love you because YOU ARE A PARASITE! It sneered out with so much venom, and I couldn't take it anymore.

"GET OUT!"

I roared, my voice echoing thunderously through the walls of the room and escaping through the windows to run through the entire building, the reverberation of my voice clashing and booming like lightning, thunder, and wind in a raging tempest.

There was absolute silence right after. It felt like peace, but it wasn't peace. Peace doesn't bring more despair, more dreariness, more bleakness, more sadness, more misery. And right now, that's all I felt. That's all I am.

And that's all I've plagued Hilary with.

The voice was right. It was so right.

For the nth time today, I broke down, allowing the tears to flow without any restraint or barrier. I just allowed myself to let it all out, hoping that I'd feel so much better and less heavy. The baggage was too much to bear.

It was all too much.

"Jidenna,"

I looked up with a start, coming face to face with the ebony girl that stood at the door post, looking down at me. I made to stand up, watching her eyes follow my every move till I was standing on my feet, looking right back at her.

You think TK was the only one I didn't want to find me? Nah, he was just number two on the list.

She's number one.

"How did you find me?"

I asked, my voice coming out in a croaked whisper, courtesy of the shouting and all the crying. I picked this spot specially because it was very discreet and not everyone comes to this corner of the recreational building. It has been abandoned for years.

So how did she know I was here?

She shrugged, taking a step into the room.

"I looked everywhere, and this was my last stop," She answered, her voice calm, her tone serene. I exhaled, nodding slowly, looking away from her.

"I told myself that if I didn't find you here, I'll just go home and call you later. But your shout kinda gave you away. Thank God I was the only one here," She added, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips.

Can I thank God for that too? Because standing in her presence, all I could feel was my shame intensifying in ten folds. I can't begin to imagine the kind of disappointment she felt, that after all her talk on closure, I still ended up fücking it up.

She shouldn't be here.

"You should leave," I said. I was still looking away from her so I couldn't see the look on her face. All I heard was a step advancing closer.

She wasn't walking away, she was walking further into the room, towards me.

"Why?" She asked, her voice hushed. I exhaled in frustration.

"Adela, don't make this hard–" I begged.

"Then tell me why you want me to leave,"

She wasn't arguing or being defensive. Her voice was so soft and gentle, it made it so unbearable to stand before her. After everything that went down, after ruining everything again, I bet I've lost every single worth to stand before her.

I was unworthy.

"It's not like I want you to leave," I countered calmly. "It's just best for you if you do,"

"Why?" She asked again, her voice still awfully calm that I lost it.

"BECAUSE I FUCKED UP!" I bellowed.

Adela didn't flinch, she didn't blink. She just stared. And that made this even harder.

"Didn't you see what happened out there?" My hand flew to the side in gesticulation. "I fucked up again, Adela! Hilary had a breakdown in front of the entire class because of me. Hilary is unconscious in the health center because of me! I did it again! I ruined everything again!"

Adela didn't move. She stared on like she couldn't see the gravity of everything I'd been saying. Like she couldn't see all the pain I could cause her just by being around me.

I was going to spell it all out to her. I'm going to let her know how much of a hazard I was to her.

"I ruin things, Adela. It's what I do. It's what I was born to do." I told her. "I am a Walking Disaster. A Parasite. All I do is cause pain and wreak havoc on everyone and everything around me. I cause everyone around me immeasurable pain, just like I did Hilary, just like I did my friends... just like I'm going to do to you, Adela.–

You shouldn't be around me. I'm going hurt you like I did to them, so you should walk out that door while you still have the chance. You should get as far away from me as possible because I'm going hur–"

She was right in front of me within the twinkling of an eye. And the next moment, I felt her petite body pressing against mine and her hands wrapping around my shoulder, cutting the rest of my words off the tip of my tongue. My breath caught my throat like I had been punched in the gut... but in a good way.

No, in an Amazing way.

For the first time, under the most unpleasant of circumstances, She was hugging me.

Adela was hugging me.

"A-Adela," I choked out breathlessly, my hands still hanging on either side of me.

"You are not going to hurt me," She whispered, her breath daintily fanning the skin of my cheeks, fanning my ear.

"You won't hurt me," She added, the certainty in her soft voice like she knew me... even more than I knew myself. Like even with my attempt to get her to stay away, She won't.

I sighed.

"You shouldn't be hugging me, Adela" I breathed out, my hands still settled at my side.

"Well, you should be should be hugging me back," She whispered back, hands still looped around my neck, not willing to let me go.

So, I wrapped my hands around her middle, pulled her closer till her body was totally pressed against mine, no space in between, and hugged her back. And automatically, my heart picked up the beat at an unimaginable speed.

Oh, God...

I literally melted in her embrace, burying my face in the cave of her neck as tranquility washed over me like a wave. I felt her hands creep up the back of my neck, the tip of her fingers trailing up till I could feel them immerse themselves in my hair, easing through my curls in a pleasant twirl.

It was like magic, unknotting the tension in my muscles just by one sweep, the peace I've been craving since the beginning of today... of my life flowing through me slowly.

Holding Adela did that to me.

It felt so good...

"You didn't fück up, Jidenna," Adela spoke after what felt like hours of being cocooned in her arms

"I did, Adela. You know I did," I answered, hiding my face in the hollow of her neck, the shame from earlier washing over me.

"Hey," She whispered, pulling away slightly. "Look at me," She said, trying to look me in the eye.

When she saw that I wasn't really keen on that, she brought her hands to either side of my face and cradled it, lifting it from her shoulder so that I'd have no other choice but to look at her.

But I kept my eyes closed adamantly, ashamed to meet her gaze. Standing this close to her, she'd see how much I have cried, how bloodshot my eyes were. She'd see how much of a mess I was. It made me feel so self-conscious on many levels.

"Open your eyes and look at me, Jidenna," She cajoled, my name rolling off her tongue in a silk voice that was hypnotizing and yielding, causing my eyes to flutter open and meet hers.

They were gentle, delicate. She was looking at me like she could see every depth of me, all the way to the most insecure and vulnerable parts. She wasn't looking at me in a way that made me feel even more insecure. She was looking at me like she was watching something utterly fascinating. Her fingers unconscious trailing the skin of my cheek wasn't helping matters.

I felt so bare. Naked... in a good way.

Does that even make any sense?

"Listen to me," She began, her voice still hushed and gentle, but her tone serious. "You didn't fück things up," She was still very much keen on that and I really wanted to know why she was apparently the only one that thought that way.

"Yes, you might not have done things the right way today... but you and I cannot deny the fact that your heart was– is in the right place," She took her right hand from my face and brought it to rest on my chest, right above the station of my heart.

I sucked in a breath involuntarily.

"You didn't just give Hilary closure, Jidenna, you also cleared her name in front of the entire class,–"

I sighed, wondering why I didn't think of that before. That was a good thing, right?

"–You put your entire reputation on the line today. For the first time, you weren't thinking of what people will say about you at the end, you weren't thinking about the hate you'll get, and you weren't thinking about yourself. You were thinking about Hilary, about your friends.–

You were not selfish, Jidenna. That," She pointed outside the door, towards the class block. "wasn't Selfish. That was brave. You were Brave."

My heart swelled in my chest and I choked on an involuntary sob that escaped my lips as fresh tears began to drop from my eyes. I didn't even bother trying to hide it now. I just let it flow.

They weren't tears of regret. They were tears of relief. Adela's words were the first good thing I'd be hearing about everything that went down today. And the fact that it came from her meant so much more than you could imagine. For the first time today, amid all my mess-ups, I felt like I did something good. One thing good.

And just when I thought she was done, she brought her right hand back to my face and cradled it in her hands again. Then looking at me right in the eye, she said,

"I'm so proud of you, Jidenna,"

The tears automatically increased at that, an embarrassing sob escaping my lips before I could stop them.

"Fück," I cussed, taking one of my hands away from where it wrapped around her waist to shield my face. "I must look a mess. I'm embarrassing myself," I croaked. Adela laughed at that, and the sound of it made an automatic smile spread on my lips.

"You don't have to do that," She took my hand and brought it down from where it was shielding my face so that I was back to looking at her.

"It's just me," She whispered, her thumbs brushing the tears off my skin daintily as she looked right at me. "You can cry all you want. You are safe here,"

God...

I was speechless, transfixed.

Those words meant more than they should have. I tried to look for a more surface meaning to her words but they just kept getting deep. It wasn't just about her words, it was the way she said them, the intricate tone she used. Her last statement played repeatedly in my head, the depth of the words dawning on me gradually.

She didn't mean I was safe here, as in the room. She meant I was safe... with her.

With her.

My heart skipped and I exhaled, shakily.

"Thank you, Adela," I whispered when I finally found my voice, and her lips stretched into a small, but warm and contagious smile.

"I didn't do anything," She shrugged. "You did it all," She said and I smiled.

"And hey. Hilary will be okay," She assured me, promised me. There was something about the way she said it that made me want to believe her. No matter how hard it was, I wanted to believe.

So, I nodded, and she pulled me in for another hug that I gladly accepted, wrapping my hands tight around her middle to have her as close to me as possible.

Adela made me feel at peace with everything that happened today. There was still a tad bit of doubt concerning Hilary and the guys but something deep down kept telling me that it will all get better. It might not be immediately, but eventually, it will.

I wanted to hold on to that hope because Adela was holding on to me. Her arms around me made me feel like a spell was being cast and they were melting every single negative emotion and thoughts away. For the first time in forever, I felt as light as a feather, unburdened, just by being in her arms.

For the first time in forever, I felt at peace... in her arms. And heaven knows, I want to be in her arms for as long as I can, as often as I can.

Just one touch from her, and I was already addicted.

What are you doing to me, Adela?

"Why am I not even surprised?"

The familiar voice coated with disdain filled the room, causing Adela and me to break apart. I sighed, already knowing the person before I even turned around to look at him. He might not have been speaking to me for a while, but like hell, I'll forget the voice of my best friend, especially when he's vexed.

And by the angels, Tekena Tamuno was vexed right now.

𝐀/𝐍

And he just had to ruin that beautiful moment 😒. TK doesn't like beautiful things (in Chichi's voice)🙄.

Omo, this chapter was all shades of emotional🥺. I cried so many times just writing it, especially the scene where Hilary had her mental breakdown. But dare I say it, it was long overdue guys. Hilary needed this trigger to let it all out once and for all.

Jidenna though 😭! Omo, you can't even deny the fact that this boy's heart was in the right place and he was being very genuine with everything. And his genuinity is so pure and beautiful 😩❤️.

And that little moment with Adela, their first hug 😭😩❤️🔥✨. My heart is doing gbim gbim fa. But TK just had to ruin it 😑. Hold your knives in the next chapter sha, it is needed 🔪.

Till next time, you know the drill. Kisses 😘.