23

"You know you can talk to me right?"

"Of course. " I braced myself from the onslaught of awkward questions he's about to ask but he never pushed further other than making myself comfortable. He's given me time to think and I think I've fallen in love with him ten times more.

"Like anything at all."

"Sure thing." I placed my cup of tea and walked away from him and acted to lay down on the bed. Slowly but surely getting ready to put on the brave mask once more.

"Why are you so distant?" He stayed on his spot but his eyes never left me.

"My personality I guess."

"It's not okay to... Act okay even if you're not. "

"Maybe it is. It'll trick your mind off of things." It's 30 minutes past midnight.

"Tell me what's bugging you." He sat beside me.

"No. Tell me what's on your mind." I shared my comforter with him so we're both half under the covers. Our backs against the headboard.

"I have nothing to say. " He began fiddling with my hands. 

"Yes you do. I am no master in the art of therapy or psychological manipulation but I am a master in the art of war... Myself as the Antagonist." I tried to retract my hands but he entwined his hands with mine. His other free hand he played with my hair.

"You've been meaning to have a rant buddy. You're stuck with me. If I were you I'd just let it out." I continued to speak but he continued with his silence too.

"You can't even grow some balls to say what you're feeling towards me." He hit home just like that.

I was about to say something but he beat me to it.

"It's hard. And you're right. I need someone to rant over the things I've been keeping up.  Life's like an empty canvas. Red strokes for love. Blue lines for peace. Yellow specks for happiness.  But then the painter dripped one spot of black that blotch the colorful canvas of life. Problems aged well in time. They go stronger than ever. First day it's just one dark point in an empty white canvas. The next I'd be a quarter big. Next, everything's just tainted in black. All the colors muted in the dark. All you see is black. Nothing more. You can't even make out what was once there before it came. It just... It occluded everything. And there's nothing you can do about it." His words filled the feeling of uncertainty hovering over me. Somewhat I found comfort knowing that someone understands.

But I was selfish.

Selfish enough to keep everything while he's trying each day to make me feel better.

"There's something. You'd get another empty canvas. Life isn't so much restricted into one form. You can begin again. There's no point in looking back and getting all sad to the things you have no control. Pick up the brush and paint again. " I held him like we were some teenage emotionally unstable lunatics. His head rested on my shoulders but he suddenly sit straight and looked at me.

"Then why are you still stuck? I've heard you scream and cry from nightmares every night. I want to help you get it off your chest. It pains me hearing them, what more does it do to you? I thought someday you'd try opening up a bit. I understand, but just know that I'm always here. " He said  ever so softly I thought he's not next to me. He's words dripped from his mouth like lines from nightmare but his face was like a daydream.

He hugged me while I cried.

But silence was more welcoming than words.

When I never said a word other than my hiccups and sniffs he broke the silence.

"Growing up, I was so unsure of myself. I had these doubts. I pretty had no one too. My mother never want me in the first place. It was everything I heard from my parents every fight. Her career had just took off when she had me, a mistake she'd like to call. Med School was tough but she aced it. She's intelligent, hard working, goal-oriented. Well, she felt hollow still. With everything she had,  medals, awards, recognition-- she lacked love. Well, her love came but with it came devastation too. My father left. Funny how strange it is to speak of him as a father but he wasn't even in the first place. I forgive him though. It wasn't easy but I can't lose myself finding answers I know I can't get. "

"But your Mom--"

"The real one left. "

"I didn't know. "

"Because you never asked." Then he nailed that comment.

"I know. I'm sorry. "

" Love, my name's Andrey. We never had the chance to Introduce ourselves to each other. "

"I'm Zoe. "