19

• Trigger Warning •

The door creaked.

Loud enough to hear.

Faint enough to ignore.

My bedside lamp was turned off.

I was never afraid of the dark. It was the uncertainty of what lies in darkness that suffocates me.

Just like now.

The hallway lights escaped and streamed in our dim room. Probably fitting a hundred girls. I tried so hard to close my eyes, tears began to form, I gripped my pillow so hard to quell the erratic beating of my heart.

I haven't heard footsteps, but I felt them. It felt so vivid I had to shut my eyes close and pinch myself. This is no dream. 

I felt his hands.

Calloused and Big Monstrous ones.

I bit back my lip.

I felt my comforters slowly pulled down.

A sob escaped me.

I was 7.

***

I felt helpless.

I loathed myself and my inability to stand my ground. Those principles I thought I lived by were mere whimpers of strength,  illusion of courage.

I wanted to speak.

I so wanted to be heard.

I spoke, so loud, till I heard the shrills of my inner demons but I wasn't heard.

Mrs. Neme said it was all in my head.

A play of the mind.

She said it was a dream.

I thought so too.

But dreams don't haunt you for the rest of your life.

I was sure this one's not a dream.

Because it did.

It haunts me.

All the time, it did.

And just like what I always do.

I cried.

***

I was only twelve, I never knew what menstruation looks and feels like but I vividly remember the dark red spot tainting my usual gray night gown.

I never knew what to do. I was hyperventilating and  was getting nervous and tense as the clock ticks by. I glanced at the big clock in the middle of our bedroom, ten minutes till the bell rings for supper.

I was heading to the door with my hands covering my behind. I need to see Mrs. Neme. She runs the place, and acts like the mother that all of us were deprived of so surely she knows what to do.

Just when I was heading to the door after waiting for everyone to sit on their seating arrangements at the dining table and after noting that everyone has gone out I sneaked out to speak to her in private.

"You're only attracting attention. Here, borrow my clothes."

I turned to see the girl with brown locks of hair. She's older than me from what I presume from her profile.

"Why is there red--"

She pulled me rather harshly towards the dark nook of the room farthest from the door.

"There's no time to waste. The count off will start soon. " I couldn't really see her face from the darkness that clad us both after she switched the light off.

She gave me her clothes. Without a word she helped me changed into hers and she wore my soiled ones instead.

We heard footsteps coming.

"Now. Don't mention about the blood. " She turned on the lights and opened the door for me.

So I went straight to the hall and ate my dinner. I waited for her but she never came. Then it occurred to me, that lone vacant chair must be hers.

I was half asleep.

But I knew someone's creeping on my duvet. Hands touching, controlled breathing, calculated footsteps... I shot up from bed.

"Dream. Just a dream. "

Then I found my mouth clambered by a cloth. The grip was becoming more aggressive each time. The absence of light makes it impossible to know the person responsible for the attack. I tried to break free but I was losing air.

"Shhhh. You'll get us both in trouble. "

I heard that voice before.

"Here, I snatched clothes from the laundry room. This should do it."

It was the same girl.

"Now. You're bleeding and that's normal. Just don't let Neme know or anyone about this. This comes everytime of the month. I'd give you  spare pads or cup soon. "

So we were friends.

"I'm 08. " I let her braid my hair under the shade of the big acacia tree. I was getting rid of the weeds while she was trimming the plants.

" I'm A. " She wasn't happy about getting a name. I'd be!

"So you're officially a grown up! Since when? I'd love being a grown up. They'd give you names, you go out twice a week and see the world. What a life, A. All I have is 08." I always envy the girls with names.

"It's not all fancy. " Her look seemed more resigned.

"So when are you going to see the world again? Will you bring something for me? "

"Tonight."

"How nice. " When will I be chosen?

"Do you have something sharp with you? " She eyed my dress and tapped furiously around my body.

"What for? " I raised the big rusty scissors I used for cutting.

"I need it to be as invisible as it could be. " She got the garden tool from me and hiked her clothes up. I thought she's hiding it from there but she didn't.

All I saw Instead was blood.

Plenty of them.

Blood spurted from her lower breast.

"Help! "

Mrs. Neme and the girls are coming in a short while as I shouted more than ever but she was stubborn to slap me on my cheeks to gain my attention.

"I'm not sure but. I think I'm not going to be back this time But I promise when I do, I'd get everyone out of here. "

That was it I never heard anything from her.

She was gone.

And I was terrified more than ever.