Unbeknownst to me, I must have fallen asleep at some point because...

 "Hey," Someone touched me on the arm, "Hey, You've been asleep for a while. In the sun. "

 I jumped. Shocked by the voice that was suddenly next to me; an American voice. I rubbed my eyes and looked up, coming face-to-face with Bradley Cooper.

I had to be dreaming.

 "Thought I would wake you, you're getting really burnt." Mr. Cooper spoke again.

If dreams had hidden meanings, what did this mean?  Or if Freud was right and you really are everyone in your dreams, what did a male version of me as Bradley Cooper, standing on the beach mean? Curious.

But whatever the deeper meaning and symbolic relevance, I decided to go with it, after all, it's seldom you come face to face with such male perfection, even if it is only in the deep recesses of your overactive imagination. I smiled up at him. God he was gorgeous.

My vision looked at me oddly, "Um... Are you okay? I think maybe you've had too much sun or something?"

Suddenly I started getting this strange feeling. Very strange. This was starting to feel less and less like a dream. Was Bradley Cooper really standing next to me on the beach? I squinted my eyes in an attempt to block out the glare that was partially silhouetting him. And as the blinding light lessoned and his facial features came into proper focus, I noticed the beard, the scruffy dark blonde hair and those greyish streaks...

It was Laptop guy. Instant disappointment set in. And then he spoke again, in a very broad American twang; it's strange how you hear American accents in movies and TV shows and barely notice them, but when taken out of context, like on a faraway island beach, they're suddenly very noticeable.  

"I think you need to get out of the sun."

I was still slightly disorientated and not a hundred percent sure what he was trying to say to me. The confusion must have shown on my face, because suddenly he was leaning in close, looking at me with the kind of concern you might have if you saw someone mixing paisley and pinstripes. He spoke again. This time his words were slow and deliberate.

"The...   Sun.....HOT....too....long....in...it."

Why was he speaking like Yoda?

"How long have I been here?" I looked around and noticed that the sun had shifted its position in the sky and I then, I became aware of an intense stinging sensation on my face and body.

 "Long enough," He said.

I tried to move, but winced, "Ouch." I glanced down at my various appendages and could see they had turned a lobster-esque color.

"Shit."

"Yip, " He said, "Like I said."

"I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep."

He stuck out an accusing finger and pointed straight ahead at my empty coconut cocktail, "Those things are deadly. I had one yesterday and walked around in a daze. Bit liberal with the Rum if you ask me."

I nodded and when I did, noticed that my head felt heavy. Laptop guy continued to stand there casting a much needed shadow across me as I set about gathering my things and shoving them into my bag, but as I swung my feet over the side of the lounger and onto the sand... Familiar pain.

I immediately recoiled. Like touching a frying pan that had been left on the stove overnight.

"Crap that's hot."

"Don't you have sandals?'

I shook my head, "I forgot to bring them."

"Well," he said quite seriously, "I could throw you over my shoulder?"

"Huh?" I looked up at Laptop guy and scrutinized his face for the tell tale signs of jest- there were none. So I waited a moment or two for the... "Just joking!" to come, but it didn't.

"You're not being serious?"

"Well, what other options do you have?"

"No! I'm not letting you fling me over your shoulder. That's just... weird."

"Fine," He said, looking totally un phased before shrugging his shoulders and walking away. "Good luck!" I heard him chuckle just as he was disappeared out of sight.

Smarmy shit!

What a thing to say. "Good Luck!"

 "Good Luck!" is more appropriate when someone is about to write an exam or take their drivers license test. Not someone who's about to burn the soles of their feet to a cinder. That's just sarcastic.

 Oh, I'm about to stick my hand in a blender... "Good Luck!"

Oh, I'm about to fall face first off a very high cliff... "Good Luck!"

Oh, I'm about to have my toes burnt off by a wayward fireball... "Good Luck!"

Now I didn't care if he looked like the love child of Bradley Cooper and Ian Somerhalder - he was just a big sarcastic prick.

This sudden surge of anger gave me the boost of adrenalin I needed to counteract my slightly woozy, wobbly feeling- no doubt from over exposure to UV rays and Rum. My room was only a few meters away, but the sand felt like it had been baking on the surface of Mercury. I was going to have to muster up the courage to make a quick dash and hope that I reached the other side without scalding blisters and boils.

And so I ran.

You know what it's like... you're on the treadmill, or the steeper and you're watching the countdown clock. You swore blind that you'd do twenty minutes of exercise, but as the timer reaches the last minute, the last 30 seconds, it feels impossible to carry on. Each step becomes painful, as if your entire body is weighted down by 100 Kg's of concrete. That's how it felt. The closer I got to my room the worse it got. And the last few steps were completely unbearable.

Finally I reached my room, flung open the door and ran for the bathtub, the cool water couldn't have come soon enough and I felt instant relief.

But not so relieved when I looked in the mirror.

Red is not my color. I avoid it at all costs and in all forms; lipstick, dresses, accessories and sometimes I even avoid standing next to people dressed in red, or Stop Street signs. It really doesn't gel with my red hair and freckles.

So when I looked in the mirror and realized I was red from head to toe, I was very unhappy.

Worst of all, was the sunglass burn on my face. Big white stripes down the side of my face where my straps had been and large white circles around my eyes. I now wished I hadn't worn my oversized Prada Baroque sunglasses- which I now deeply regretted had dodged the eBay cut.

I looked positively freakish. Hey, just throw me into one of those shows next to the Bearded Woman and the fire eating dragon man, I would have fitted right in. I tisked loudly at my stupidity and realized that my lips also felt burnt. There goes the possibility of a Scuba Instructor, or any kind of instructor/ or any member of the male species for that matter. Not that I was expecting any such holiday dalliance.

Luckily I'd brought a bottle of Moisturizing After Sun Cream, which I applied very liberally. But my skin was so hot and dry that it seemed to suck the cream up like a thirsty camel. About 10 layers later, the stinging started to dissipate, and my thoughts went back to Laptop Guy.

 One thought really;

Why were good-looking guys always such a-holes. Take Trev for example. Good looking and good at cheating. I'd definitely developed a general mistrust of men. I now suspected most- if not all- of cheating, and most- if not all- of being monstrous pigs. I'd become sensitive, cautious and suspicious.

If a guy held the door open for me, I was sure he was just trying to sneak a peek at my ass as I walked in front of him.

If a man let me go in front of him in a cue- the same thing applied.

If a man tried to pay for anything- I suspected him of solicitation.

If a man said he was running late- out drinking with the guys and flirting with chicks.

Going out to buy milk- banging his secretary.

Playing Golf with his friends- clubbing baby seals.

I'd often thought back to all of Trev's late nights, conferences away, out of town fund raisers and other such things that I never went to because, "Shame, you'd be bored to death babe. Not your cup of tea."

We'd lead such separate lives for the last six months of our relationship. The signs were all there- staring me straight in the face, but I'd missed them, or maybe ignored them.  

I thought about one evening in particular. It had been a "Not my cup of tea" function which I'd had to attend. Trev was being promoted and his boss had thrown a little shindig. It had been one of the most painful evenings of my life. From the moment I arrived, it felt as though everyone in the room was whispering and staring. At the time I'd written it off to jealously; I was carrying the latest- not yet in the shops - Chloe bag and was wearing a rather fabulous dress by a new up and coming South African designer that was so cutting edge. But looking back now, they were staring because they all knew.

"Shame, there she is. I wonder if she knows about Trev and Tess?"

"Oh my God I can't believe he brought her. With Tess right there?"

How many of our mutual friends had known, or at least suspected and not bothered to tell me? His best friend Tony and I had had been out shopping together for Trev's birthday. Had he known? Had he chosen not to tell me as I pawed happily over presents for Trev's 30th?

I was on the merry-go-round once again; Speculating. Imagining. Wondering why? How? When? Round and around in circles, until I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I forced myself to climb off it and then forced myself to get dressed and ready for dinner. But before showing my face in public, one very important thing needed to be done.

Revlon, Max Cover Foundation Plus.

Place Foundation on sponge liberally.

Dab onto skin.

Blend using upward strokes.

Apply lose powder liberally.

And hopefully hide the redness.

When I finally got there, the bar was amazing. It was actually built- like an island- in the middle of the pool. It was surrounded by water, except for a little bridge one had to walk over to get there- I would hate to walk that bridge after a few drinks though. On one side you could actually swim all the way up to the bar and sit in seats that rose up out of the water, giving you the opportunity to sip drinks while half submerged.  Definitely something to put on the "To Do" list.

Something that was definitely NOT on the to do list though, was bumping into Laptop guy. And there he was. Sitting front and center at the bar. Still with his fingers hovering over the computer keys. I turned and tried to slink away but...

"Hey" I heard the American twang behind me.