I must have gone over it with my sister a million times, from a million different angles.  

Why had he done it?

Did he feel anything for me?

Was it all fake?

Was some of it real?

Was he really not going to use it?

Should I forgive him?

Had I over reacted?

But no matter how many times we discussed it, no matter how many times she played devils advocate, or Eric reminded me that people make mistakes… the result was always the same.

I had never felt more betrayed by a person- ever. And remember, I’m the girl that walked in on her boyfriend getting his kink on in our bed, with the tie I’d given him for Christmas. You would think that something like that would still trump all other forms of betrayal and disappointment for the rest of my life until I took my dying breath, but this, what Chris had done to me, was worse.

Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t coming off the back of Trev’s betrayal, a betrayal that Chris was very aware of.

But my brother in law had a different perspective, the man of logic.

“If he’s deleted it, and he’s not going to use it, it means he knows he made a mistake, and if you really love him, forgive him.”

But could I really believe him- that he’d deleted it and that in 6 months I wouldn’t be seeing my painful story made into a total joke on the silver screen. Maybe he would even get Megan Fox to play Tess, since he found her so fucking good-looking it would seem. But it was hard to think because-

 “Annie, please, please let me in…’ Knock knock.

Knock knock. “Annie, come on, let me just talk to you.”

“Annie, phone my agent, talk to him. I swear I wasn’t going to use it.” Knock knock.

“Annie, I love you….”

It went on all afternoon and I could see that Eric was getting irritated and fed up with having to go to the door and explain to him that ‘No I was not coming out. No I did not want to talk to him.’

I think it was at about 3 AM that morning, while staring at the ceiling surrounded by a pile of snotty tear drenched tissues, that I finally got my first bolt of brilliant, blazing insight. You know the kind of insight that hits you after the fact, in retrospect, the kind of insight you wish you’d had when going into a situation.

It went a little something like this…despite it being a year since Nipple extravaganza, I still hadn’t moved on. In fact, I was completely stuck in a rut. I had absolutely no life, no job prospects, no anything. I had been wallowing in self-pity for a whole year, which was only keeping me firmly stuck in the past. My life was in total limbo, I was still reeling from the shock of it all and still constantly, on a daily basis, feeling the acute sense of betrayal that Trev had inflicted on me. Especially since I had never gotten an actual apology from him, or anything that vaguely resembled one.

Of course this thing with Chris now was only a million times more amplified because of my history. It was like adding fuel to the fire.  My feelings of betrayal and hatred for Trev were mixing in with my feelings for Chris, and what I was left with was a thick, messy pot of boiling, ugly anger.

It was glaringly obvious that I was absolutely not ready for any kind of a relationship at this stage in my life, with anyone. I had not gotten over my last one, it still had a hold over me, still haunted me, and the damage it had caused was still very much part of my daily life.  I would need to shrug that off first before I could think about another relationship.

WOW. Deep shit. Finally those self-help books had come in handy. I was seeing everything so clearly now. I knew what I needed to do, I had to let go of my hatred for Trev and Tess, get back onto the career horse (stop feeling so insecure and scared of the industry that had shunned me), stop living in fear and embarrassment and get a fucking life! And I had to tell Chris all of this.

I needed to tell him that no matter what he did now to try and make up for this, that it would never work between us- not now anyway. I was still too damaged to have a proper, healthy relationship

Was I in love with him? Yes. Absolutely. Even if it had been brief my feelings for him were real. I looked down at my hand and suddenly realized that I was still wearing my fake ring.  It really was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and for a moment there, it had felt real.

But now we needed to get fake divorced.

I wasn’t able to sleep at all that night and forced myself to wait until at least 5:00 AM before walking over to Chris’ place. The sun wasn’t up yet and the crickets were still chirping. A breeze made all the palms rustle and the birds chirp. The sounds combined, creating a unique early morning aria of sorts that was soothing.

It probably took me another 10 minutes or so of standing outside to actually pluck up the courage to knock on his door.

“Annie?” I heard him call from inside and within seconds the door was wide open and a rather disheveled looking Chris was standing in the doorway. He hugged me immediately, and I let him. It felt good; with his arms wrapped around me and his head buried in my neck. I could feel his warm breathe.

“Annie, you came back?” He pulled away from the hug and looked me in the eyes, I could see he’d been crying, I don’t think I’ve ever made a man cry before. I was about to open my mouth and start talking when he stopped me.

“Wait. Sit down. I have this whole speech prepared for you.”

There was no harm in letting him talk I guess, so I sat and waited for the speech. He paced up and down a few times before striking the pose of a man who was about to deliver a sermon.

“I’m a total dick. I totally fucked up. I was stupid and cruel and what I did to you was terrible. I don’t really have an excuse for it other than I was in a desperate place, there was this deadline and nothing was inspiring me. And then you came along. And you were funny, and adorable and your story was interesting… and I guess I just got carried away. But it’s no excuse, I know.”

“Chris.” I held up my hand.

‘Wait. I’m not finished. You know you asked if I’d only suggested that wedding so I could just get more story?”

I nodded. It was one of the most painful realizations of all- how could I forget.

“Well, it’s not true. I thought about it and I actually wanted to get married. Even though it was fake. I wanted to see you coming down the aisle and imagine what it would be like to be with you.”

There was something about his tone and his look- I believed him. My heart did a few summersaults in response, but I knew I had to reel it in.

“So this is what I propose… We start again. Clear the slate. I know it will take you a long time to trust me again, and maybe you will want to punish me, but that’s okay. I can take it. I’ll take anything you throw my way, as long as you come back to me, because I am totally in love with you….”

 “I’m in love with you too Chris-“ I whispered.

I’ve never seen anyone bolt across the floor so quickly and at the speed of light, he was by my side hugging me,

“Wait!” I pushed him away, “That doesn’t mean I want to be with you.” It was so painful to say those words out loud, they had sounded so much easier when said to myself in my head.

Chris pulled away and looked panicked.

“Because I’ve been thinking that, well, I don’t think I'm ready for a relationship just yet. I don’t think I’ve gotten over the last one properly. In fact, I was thinking that maybe I needed to go to therapy or something, because my life is a mess. I live in a gross garden cottage that I can’t afford, and I am working in a job that is totally beneath me- even though I love my boss- and I don’t go out. I don’t see friends anymore. I stay home and sit. I’m stuck. And I need to do something about it, and getting into another relationship when I’m clearly still too fucked up from the previous one, is not the answer.”

I hated the look that came over Chris’ face right now. It was devastation, he looked like I had just punched him in the stomach.

“It’s actually not really about the movie thing anymore Chris. Sure, I’m totally pissed off about it and feel like you betrayed me in the worst way possible- but it’s actually about something so much bigger than that now.”

“Can we not do that together… rebuild your life and get you moved on?” His voice was desperate.

I shook my head, “You know the answer to that. This is something that I need to do on my own. You’re not going to fix me, only I can.’

Chris smiled a weak smile, “Those fucking self-help books huh?”

I smiled back at him, “Yup, finally come in handy.”

“Will you be making gratitude lists and a personal mission statement now?”

“I might. Hell, maybe I’ll write my own one…”

We smiled at each other, even though the moment was so painfully unbearable.

“So there’s nothing I can say or do to get you back then?” He asked.

“I don’t think so.” I felt sorry for him now.

“There’s got to be something Annie. Something?” I could see his mind working overtime, “What if I wrote a movie about how evil Trev and Tess where and used their real names, and cast really ugly actors to play them and then made them die in the end?”

I burst out laughing but shook my head, “No more Trev and Tess. I need to forget that stuff now. Let go of it.”

But his mind continued ticking away, “There’s got to be something I can do, and I'm not going to stop until I find it….’

I sighed loudly and shrugged, “Who knows, maybe one day. But not now.”

“I can wait.” He was moving towards me again and took my hand. “I will wait. I’ve never been in love before, and now I am, so I think that you might be my first, and last chance at it… so I can wait.”

“Chris,” I held his hands tightly, “I can’t tell you what to do, but I can’t make you any promises, so….”

“So you’re telling me to move on then. Forget this ever happened.”   He looked angry now, and I didn’t want us to leave angry at each other.

“I’m not going to forget this… ever. I won’t forget you either.”

“This officially makes no sense. We love each other. Can’t we just try again--”

I pulled away from him now, I needed to get him to understand but then he spoke again.

“Sorry Annie. I actually do understand. I hear what you’re saying and it all makes perfect sense. And you’re right, you do owe it to yourself to rebuild and get better and heal and all that stuff…. It’s just really hard for me to accept. That’s all.”

“I know.” There was a long silence between us, “So I guess this is goodbye.”

And then a wicked smiled flashed across his face, “For now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Annie Anne, I’m going to get you back. Maybe it won’t be tomorrow, maybe it won’t be in six months time even… but mark my words. One day, I’ll make you my real wife.” He winked at me, and I felt my heart beat faster. I held my hands together tightly and felt the ring; I started sliding it off my finger.

“No, keep it. You’re going to need to wear it one day again anyway. So don’t loose it.” He seemed to be looking happier now, and I got the impression that he was formulating some grand plan in his head.

“Chris, Chris, Chris….” I shook my head, “What am I going to do with you?”

He stepped forward, “Right now you’re going to kiss me.” And without warning he took my face between my hands and kissed me. It was so soft and so full of love and care that there was no doubt in my mind that he really did love me.

“So run along now and do your thing. And I believe in you and support you and when you least expect it, I’m coming for you again.”

I laughed, “You make it sound so sinister.”

“Maybe it will be. Maybe I’ll have to come and kidnap you one day and hold you hostage forever.”

I looked up into his eyes, he was so beautiful. I kissed him one last time and started making my way for the door. He called out to me as I was leaving,

“For what it’s worth, I really, really am sorry.”

I smiled, “Thank you.”

‘Now go be great Annie.”

And I walked out.