I felt torn. (Again!)

I’d make a promise to myself that nothing was going to happen between us. My brain was saying no, but my body was screaming yes. (Aren’t those the lyrics to an R&B song? If not, they should be.)

This vacillating was getting exhausting, and quite frankly, I was starting to feel like an idiot. It was immature, to say the least. But since ‘Nipple Gate’, it had felt like that grown up part of me that had relationships and sex had been missing in action, leaving behind this insecure Annie. 

But right now it was time to suck it up, be an adult, make a decision and stick to it.

No sex with Chris! No sex with Chris!

The shower finally came to an end and I found myself feeling extremely relieved.

“So, I’ll take the couch tonight and you can take the bed?” I heard Chris start brushing his teeth, and I was struck by how intimate this all was.

The bedtime routine.

Washing, brushing and climbing into your pajamas. This is something you’re meant to do with your partner, not a stranger.

“I can take the couch, it’s very comfortable.” I said.

“I wouldn’t be a gentleman if I let you sleep on the couch Annie. Take the bed.”

The point was that I didn’t want to sleep in the bed. His bed, with his scent lingering on the pillows. But I really didn’t want to explain all that to him either, so I accepted graciously.

I climbed into the bed cautiously, soon discovering that is was in fact the biggest, softest bed I’d ever been in, and yes, the smell of Chris lingered. The earthy sandalwood from his perfume, combining with the smell of sweet shampoo, and soap.

Chris climbed onto the couch and turned the lights off. We lay in darkness for a while, and I was acutely aware of him breathing, shuffling and moving his pillows around.

“Are you comfortable on the couch?”

“Yes. Very.”

There was a pause.

“If I'd said ‘no’, would you have offered me the other side of the bed?” I could hear the twinkle in his voice and I smiled. Here we go again- sexual innuendos and loaded witty banter.

“Maybe” My voice teased him.

“Shit! I should have said I was uncomfortable!”

“Oh well, your loss.” I was smiling like an idiot and was glad for the cover of darkness.

Chris chuckled, “Maybe it’s actually your loss!”

“And how do you figure that?”

“I’ve been told my spooning abilities are pretty good.”

Now it was my turn to chuckle, “Good night Chris.”

“Night Annie.”

I closed my eyes and must have fallen asleep quickly; the bed was warm, the smells were pleasant and having Chris in the room felt comfortable.

I’m not sure how long I’d slept for when I was woken up by the sounds of tying.

I opened my sleepy eyes and looked up to find Chris slouched over his computer. The usual menagerie surrounded him, his ipad and a few coffee cups, a Coke and a chocolate. It was as if he had built himself a little nest.

“Hey.” My voice still had that deep sleepy husk to it.

Chris turned around fast, as if he’d received the fright of his life and slammed the computer shut.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” He got up immediately, putting his computer away in his laptop bag with a loud zip.

“It’s okay.” I smiled at him, “I’m glad it’s going well.”

“What is?”

“Your movie- it looks like it’s going well.”

A halfhearted smile tugged at the corners of his lips, “Thanks. Go back to sleep Annie.”

“Sure”

And I did.

***

The sound of a message on my phone woke me the next morning. It was from my sister, Sophie was better and they would be arriving tomorrow morning. I had barely thought about them since arriving and getting swept up in the crazy whirlwind that had bought me to Chris’ bed. I shuddered to think what she was going to say to all this- playing fake fiancé with T squared next-door.

 “Coffee honey.” The rich smell of coffee wafted past me and made my mouth water.

I looked up and smiled at my thoughtful, handsome, sexy fake fiancé. Sometimes the world is a cruel place.

“Thanks love.” I said playing along, although truthfully it felt good saying that.

“So what do you want to do today?”

I sipped the dark, rich, warm coffee and the caffeine instantly went to work on my sleepy body and brain.

“Actually, I wouldn’t mind escaping this resort. Getting away from our neighbors.”

“Why don’t we go on one of those boat ride tours around the island?” Chris offered while getting up and digging through the drawer for a pamphlet.

He threw it on the bed and I started paging through. It boasted pictures of boats afloat on crystal waters, coral reefs complete with rainbow fish, leaping dolphins and the white sands of a small island beach. I didn’t need anymore convincing, the pictures spoke pretty loudly and clearly.

“Sounds perfect.”

Half an hour later we were in one of those luxury speedboats with comfortable seating and thankfully a canopy for shade, because the temperature outside at 10: 00 in the morning was scorching. As the powerful engines fired to life, the boat lurched forward so hard that I almost lost my balance. I grabbed onto a railing and held on for dear life as we flew across the calm waters, whipping then into a white frothy frenzy as we went. The beach and resort started getting further away as the sea beneath us got darker and deeper. After about five minutes the engines finally cut out.

“This is where the dolphins pass.” The driver turned to us and pointed out across the water.

A few other boats had also started gathering; equally eager to see the dolphins. We all sat in silence, the only sounds were those of the waves lapping against the sides of the various boats, until someone from another boat shouted, “Over there.”

Gray, almost silver fins that glinted as they caught the light appeared from all sides, rising and falling back into the water. They surrounded us and the sea suddenly looked alive. Every now and then a dolphin would jump out of the water in all its sleek, silver-gray glory. They were the most elegant creatures I'd ever seen.  

They were also curious; some ventured right up to the side of the boat, so close at times, that if I’d reached out I would have touched them. The engines started up again and we sped off, the dolphins seemed to take this as a challenge and started racing the boats, jumping and soaring out the water. They were so agile, the way they maneuvered in and out of the boats.

 “Do you know that dolphins give each other names,” Chris said shouting over the sound of the high-speed engines.

“Really?”

“Yes, they develop their own individual whistles that effectively act as their own names.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that?”

“So if you were a dolphin I might call you—“

And then he did it. The silliest dolphin impression I’ve ever heard. He opened his mouth and a high-pitched squeaking noise came out. I burst out laughing and tried to out do him with another; equally ridiculous and maybe even higher pitched noise. And so the great dolphin whistle-off began, until we realized that the boat had stopped and the driver was looking back at us with a concerned expression, as if he hadn’t been informed that he was taking the residence of a mental asylum out for an excursion. When Chris and I finally noticed the terrified squint he was giving us, we couldn’t contain the eruption of laughter that followed. We guffawed until it hurt.

I felt like I could be completely silly with Chris. Totally free, without fear of judgment or ridicule. He was the first person who’d made me laugh like this...

Crap!

There was no denying it any longer, I was officially starting to develop feelings for my fake fiancé. Feelings that I knew would never be reciprocated. As he'd said; all the girls he’d dated thought that they would finally be the one to change him, make him fall in love-

But they never did, and it always ended in heartbreak. I needed to snap out of this. 

“So what’s next?” My tone sounded prickly and businesslike and I could see that Chris looked slightly taken aback by the jarring change in my demeanor.

“Um…” He looked around, “I think we’re going snorkeling in the coral reef now.”

“Sounds good.” I said curtly before we both sat in silence and looked out over the sea. This inner turmoil I was experiencing was driving me crazy. Vacillating between wanting Chris and knowing I couldn’t have him. This was very dangerous game we were playing here, and I was probably going to end up as the injured one.

Now…I’ve seen some beautiful things in my life. I’ve been to fashion week and seen some of the most spectacular outfits; draped over skinny gorgeous flawless models, waft down the runway. I have held (and broken) a pair of priceless Louboutins, I have been lucky enough to slip my wallet into the latest Louis and I have seen the new Dior Spring/ Summer collection. But nothing prepared me for the reef.

The coral came in every shape and color imaginable. The pink and orange bits that swayed like miniature palm trees in the water were by far the most spectacular. Large green bulbous looking things drew the attention of a school of bright yellow fish. Small and feisty, they nibbled on the coral and darted around it at light speed. They were particularly small, but the reef was teaming with some substantially larger sea creatures of all shapes, colors and sizes. Blue and yellow fish with bright red lips swam up to my goggles curiously.  A luminous green fish, with a pink painted face also came to investigate, while the rest busied themselves with eating and swimming. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a large movement and turned to see a giant sea turtle gliding through the water. Chris stuck out his hand and stroked the shell as it went by.

We spent a good hour down there, popping up for oxygen and going back down. The world below felt mystical, magical and so full of life and color that I didn’t want to leave. But finally the sheer exhaustion of treading water and swimming up and down got too much and we both climbed back on the boat.  

I collapsed on the bench taking my flippers and goggles off and looked across at Chris who was flipping through a camera. I’d been so wrapped up in my own magical world down there, that I’d hardly noticed he was taking pictures. I got up and sat next to him. He’d taken some amazing ones; a shy black and yellow eel peeping out from underneath a rock, a large blue fish feeding in the swaying arms of an orange anemone and…

“Hey, that’s my bum.” I grabbed the camera away from him and started looking for the delete button.

“I was trying to take a picture of a fish.”

I scrutinized the photo, there was absolutely no evidence of an aquatic life form, “Oh… and were is this so called fish?”

“Here.” Chris pointed to the edge of the frame where I could just make out a tiny yellow tail disappearing.

I turned and eyed him suspiciously, “Mmmm, I think you were just taking a photo of my bum.”

“And, so what if I was.” He said with that dashing grin that lit up his ridiculously blue eyes.

(Internal sighing)

I zoomed in on the photo, “Well, it’s not exactly very flattening. It’s not a good angle.”

“I think it’s a great angle,” he said snatching the camera away from me and holding it up.

“I think you should delete it.”

“Why, are you scared I might put it on Facebook and tag you?”

“I don’t know what you will do with it,” I pulled the camera away again and located the delete button. The picture disappeared and Chris feigned a loud sigh of devastating disappointment. I tried to put on my best bossy face and glared at him.

“But seriously,” He said again, his tone more sober this time, “I really was just trying to get the fish. The fact that your bum was in the way was just a bonus.” Cue boyish grin that melts my heart again.  

And then, flying in the face of my previous decision, I found myself smiling back at him like a giddy girl with a crush. Trying to resist Chris was clearly a useless exercise. Resistance was officially futile. 

“ I'm having a really good day Chris."

 “Me too,”

And then...I just hugged him.  

It was a little awkward at first, until I felt his big arms wrapping themselves around me. He pulled me even closer. It felt so good being this close to him and I put my head on his chest and closed my eyes. Chris responded by holding me tighter and rested his chin on the top of my head.

As I held onto him and pressed the side of my face into his chest even harder, I was hit by a thought. A bad thought. 

I was in serious trouble here.

I was falling in love