-Devin-

Two months had passed since I left the hospital and I was a third of the way through my at home chemo. I knew I should be grateful that I'd survived and was doing well, but I felt stuck. I wasn't putting on any weight and my hair hadn't shown any signs of growing back. I felt worse than ever about my appearance and the separation between Avery and I whenever I did a chemo cycle. I only had a week until my next one started, and I dreaded the sad expression on Avery's face when I'd have to say goodnight to him and sleep in the guest room alone.

I was a disappointment to him. And right now, instead of trying to spend time with him, I was hiding in our bedroom. I'd told Avery I was tired and wanted to nap, but I was sitting on the edge of the bed and aimlessly scrolling on my phone, not actually reading any of the words on the screen.

I heard the bedroom door start to creak open and looked up. Avery was standing there, trying to open the door quietly.

"Oh hey, you're awake," he said, smiling. "You wanna join me in the shower?"

Washing Avery's hair and running my hands over his body was one of my favorite things to do. I missed our showers together, and I knew it had been a while since I'd been in the shower with him. I craved the steam and the slide of our bodies together, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't let Avery see me like this. He'd be disgusted.

"No, you go ahead," I replied.

"Are you sure?" He stepped closer. "Come on, I'll rub your shoulders like you always do for me."

"I said no," I snapped.

Avery took a step back. "Okay."

I turned towards the wall and put my head in my hands. I thought Avery had walked away, so I let tears drip silently down my face.

But Avery was still there, and I felt the dip in the mattress as he sat down next to me. "What's going on?"

I just shook my head. Avery reached out and began to rub my lower back. He didn't say anything else, and I decided now was as good a time as any.

"I know we haven't been together long," I began. "I know this is a lot. No one expects to get into a new relationship and then have to deal with cancer. I know I'm not attractive anymore. You don't have to stay and pretend. I know you're going to leave eventually."

Avery was quiet for a long time. When I finally looked over at him, I was startled to see tears streaming down his face.

"I don't want that," Avery said. "To leave," he clarified. "I wasn't planning on it." His chin trembled and he tried to smile, but his lips twisted. "I just want you."

I started shaking my head back and forth in short jerks. "No, no you don't. Not this. No one wants this."

"Devin -"

"I'm trying to spare you. I'm giving you an out. You can walk away right now. Tell everyone I broke up with you."

"I'm not leaving."

My heart shattered. I didn't want to hope. I didn't want to believe Avery would actually stay. My breaths started coming faster, and I felt Avery's hands on me, gently guiding me back onto the bed. He held me close, his arms wrapping me in a protective hold. He was crying too, and I clung to him as if he were a lifesaver.

It must have been hours that we lay there, and I think I had drifted off to sleep at some point. Avery was running his hand over my head the same way he used to when I had hair.

"I'm going to get up," he murmured. "I still want to take a shower."

He kissed me on the forehead and rolled out of bed. He hadn't asked me again to join him, and I knew he wouldn't push me. Fear of his reaction made my heart beat faster, but I got up and followed him. I wanted to stand in the shower with him. I wanted to be with my boyfriend.

Avery looked surprised when he turned around and noticed me.

"I want to join you, if that's still okay."

A soft smile played upon his face. "Of course that's okay."

He began undressing, and I did too, my hands shaking with nerves. I didn't want to meet his eyes. But then he was there, standing in front of me and reaching for me. He pressed our bodies together and kissed me, soft and slow. His lips trailed down my jaw and neck until he was kissing my chest.

His eyes found mine, and he smiled again. When he moved to turn on the shower, I had to bite my lip to stifle a sob. Avery was hard. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his body. It had to be a mistake.

My feelings must have shown on my face, because Avery stepped close again and pressed himself against me. "You're always going to have this effect on me," he murmured, punctuating the sentence with a roll of his hips into mine.

A smile made its way onto my face even though my lips were trembling. "I can't return the favor," I whispered. "There hasn't been much going on down there in months."

Avery's hands stroked up and down my back. "I'm not expecting anything. We're just taking a shower."

I felt a stab of confidence as we got in, and I reached for him once we were under the water. I was going to make him feel good even if I couldn't enjoy it too. He deserved at least that much.

"Devin," he murmured, as my hand wrapped around him. "You don't have to."

"I want to."

Avery moaned and melted into me. He was relaxed at first, but it didn't take long until his fingers were gripping my hips as he thrust into my hand. Even though my own body wasn't reacting, simply watching Avery come undone was more than enough for me. In this moment, it was all I needed.

-

I took a long nap after our shower, and when I woke up, I thought I was dreaming. I pushed my hips into the mattress and then froze. I was hard. I looked down and blinked, not believing it.

"Avery!" I shouted.

He came running into the bedroom, his eyes wide. "What? Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm okay. Sorry to scare you. But I - look - it's -"

Avery's eyes traveled down my body and I saw the moment realization struck him. He didn't waste a second climbing onto the bed and taking me into his mouth.

"Avery," I moaned. "Wait."

He pulled off. "Am I hurting you?"

"No. But I want, I mean, if you're up for it -"

He grinned and dug in one of the drawers in the nightstand for the lube. He had his clothes off and the cap flipped open faster than I thought possible, but then stopped. "Is it okay to do this? I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't hurt me."

He was still hesitant, but he must have made up his mind, because he quickly prepped himself. I sat up, but he guided me back down. "I don't want you getting worn out."

He straddled my hips and then sank down, moaning as he did. My hands glided up his chest and then came back down to grip his hips.

"You still okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "Better than okay."

As he rode me slowly, I never broke eye contact with him. "I love you," I breathed. "It's so good. You're so good."

He leaned down to kiss me. "I love you too."

He was perfect. Maybe he was just afraid of hurting me, but the tenderness that he showed was exactly what I wanted. It was everything I needed. I was scared and tired and my nerves were raw from trying to fight to survive. Fight to live so I wouldn't have to hurt Avery or my dad. Fight for my relationship with Avery to survive. I felt the tears building and I squeezed my eyes shut.

Avery slowed. "Dev?"

"Don't stop," I whispered. "Just love me. Don't stop." A tear made its way from the corner of my eye and traced a slow trail down my temple.

Avery kept going, gentle as ever, and I felt him kiss my forehead. "I love you," Avery murmured. He kissed my cheeks and the tip of my nose and my jaw, and I clung tighter to him. I wasn't sure if I was capable of finishing, but when I opened my eyes and looked into his beautiful blue eyes, that was what pushed me over the edge.

Afterwards, we lay there with his head on my chest. This was as close as I'd felt to normal in a long time, and I didn't want the moment to end. I felt so tired and weak that I could barely keep my eyes open, but I wasn't going to let Avery know that. I lazily trailed my fingers up and down his back. "I guess I just needed a little encouragement," I said. "You know, with the shower."

"Maybe. If it happens, it happens. But it's not something I want you to focus on right now. Your health is the priority."

"I know, but I want to give this to you once in a while."

Avery turned his head and kissed my chest. "You're sweet. But I can take care of myself until you're feeling better."

I knew it wasn't his intention, but I felt worse after hearing that. I didn't want to think of Avery jerking off alone because I couldn't do anything for him most of the time. My looks and sex were two things I'd never doubted, and I knew on some level that Avery was drawn to me because of those two things. Now that I couldn't offer either of them, I still didn't understand why he wanted to stick around.

"I hate that you have to take care of yourself," I said quietly. "That's my job."

Avery sat up. "It's not your job right now. Your job is to get better."

"Does it bother you?" I asked. "I don't even look the same anymore."

He stared at me, as if he were studying my face. Then he reached out and lightly brushed his fingers over my nose. "Have I ever told you how much I love the freckles on the bridge of your nose?"

Confused, I shook my head.

"It's something I noticed at camp, and I thought they were cute. I looked at them a lot when you were sleeping, and I still look at them now. They haven't changed." He cradled one side of my face with his hand, gently stroking the skin on my cheek. "And those pretty hazel eyes have always reminded me of the forest. You're still the same Devin I fell in love with."

He leaned forward and kissed me, his lips barely touching mine. "Maybe I was initially attracted to you because you're hot, but I love you because of who you are. You've made mistakes, but you learned from them and tried to make things right. You're always surprising me, and you're so sweet to put me and your dad first and worry about us when it's you and your health that should come first. And even when you're being difficult, when you're saying things to get a rise out of people or refusing to do what you're supposed to, I still love you. You and all your perfect imperfections."

It was with these words that I finally believed him. No one else had ever seen anything worthwhile in me from the start and loved me exactly the way I was.

Avery wasn't going anywhere. He was mine to keep, and I was going to keep him forever.