-Avery-

Two weeks later, I was scrubbing every surface in the condo to make sure it was sanitized and safe for Devin. He was coming home. After his month in the hospital, the doctors said his initial treatment was successful and he was in remission. It was the best news I'd ever heard in my life.

I had celebrated with Devin and was all smiles around him, but the moment I was alone, I began sobbing. I called Sam, who was immediately freaked out upon answering, but I assured her it was good news. I'd been so worried about Devin that I didn't even realize how stressed out I was.

I knew he wasn't out of the woods yet, but at least it felt like we could all relax a little. If everything kept going well, Logan wouldn't have to lose his son in addition to his wife. I wouldn't have to lose the man I'd grown to love.

As I walked through the condo, I mentally ran down the list of things I still needed to do. Everything needed to be perfect. I couldn't miss anything, or being here would have a negative impact on Devin's health. I'd deep cleaned the entire condo, installed grab bars inside and outside of the shower in both bathrooms, and set up the guest bedroom for Devin to stay in when he did his outpatient chemo cycles.

The next thing to focus on would be food. I was going to donate or throw out anything that Devin shouldn't eat, and then I was going to spend the rest of the night planning meals that would be safe for Devin. He was still struggling to eat sometimes due to nausea, so smaller, bland meals would be easier for him to tolerate.

Despite all this, I was excited for Devin to come home. After a few days, the chemo would be out of his system and I could kiss him again. We'd have a little bit of time before his first outpatient cycle started, and I was determined to make the most of that time.

I closed my eyes, imagining what it would be like to kiss him after over a month of not being able to. I could almost feel his lips on mine. I remembered how I loved to keep one hand on his sharp jawline as we kissed while my other hand wandered over his body, over the taut muscles of his abs and around the curve of his ass.

I didn't expect anything sexual to happen. It would be more than enough for me to feel Devin's body against my own - to hug him tightly, curl up together as we slept - and to nuzzle his nose and feel his cheek pressed to mine. I just wanted him close. I wanted physical proof that he was still here, that cancer hadn't taken him from me.

-Devin-

As I rode home in the car with my dad, I was quiet. I knew I should be happy to be going home and happy that I was in remission, but everything wasn't magically better the way I thought it would be. I wasn't done yet.

Over the past couple days, I'd had to come to terms with continuing my chemo. I still had six months left to do at home to make sure the cancer was gone, and even if that was successful, I had another two years of maintenance chemo to make sure the cancer didn't come back. My life wasn't going to be normal for a long time.

"How are you feeling?" my dad asked.

"Fine."

"I thought you'd be more excited about going home."

I sighed. "I am. I'm happy to be out of the hospital, but I wish all of this was over with."

My dad reached over and squeezed my shoulder. "I know. It's tough, but you've done so well."

"That's because of you and Avery."

"Hey, give yourself some credit. If there's one thing I know about you, it's how stubborn you are. You weren't going to let cancer beat you."

I gave him a half-hearted smile. I wished I could will everything back to normal, but it didn't work that way. It would take time, and patience was something I'd never been good at.

When we pulled into the parking garage for my condo, I realized how relieved I was to be home. Everyone at the hospital had been great, but I was ready to be back in my own space and be able to sleep in my bed, and I wanted to take a shower without supervision.

As soon as we walked through the front door, Avery bounded over to me, a huge smile on his face. "Welcome home, Devin!"

I couldn't help but smile back, and I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him as tightly as I could. We weren't in the clear to kiss yet, but hugging was an option. Avery's arms rested lightly on my back, as if he were afraid to touch me.

"I'm not going to break," I said, rolling my eyes as I pulled away from him. "I better get a real hug later."

"You'll get plenty of hugs, but I want to be careful."

"I know Devin's in good hands," my dad chimed in. "This place is the cleanest I've ever seen it."

"Okay, well I'm going to take a shower," I said. "You and Avery can talk about cancer stuff."

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Avery asked.

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I want to start doing things on my own again."

Avery looked anxious and like he wanted to follow me, but he finally turned back to my dad. I escaped down the hallway, wanting nothing more than to wash the ever present smell of the hospital off of me.

As I stood in the bathroom and waited for the water to heat up completely, I was thrilled to finally have a moment alone. In the hospital, doctors and nurses were constantly coming into my room, and either Avery or my dad were there at all times. I hadn't had a moment to just breathe and be by myself.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I had lost almost all of my muscle mass and my arms and chest were slimmed down to the point where I was smaller than I had been in high school. Part of the reason I didn't want Avery to help me in the shower anymore was because I didn't want him to see how much weight I had lost.

My weight wasn't the only change. There was no longer a tan or any sort of glow to my skin. Instead, my skin appeared a pale gray with a yellow undertone. My body hair was completely gone, including my eyebrows and eyelashes. I looked like a walking corpse.

Disgusted, I turned away, not wanting to look at myself anymore. All my life, I'd been proud of my body and the work I put in at the gym. I liked looking good and being able to get any man I wanted. But now, I hated my body. I wanted to climb out of my skin and escape from this nightmare. I wanted the body I used to have instead of being trapped inside this body that didn't feel like mine.

All the doubts I'd started having in the past couple weeks came rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. I didn't understand why Avery was even still here. There was nothing for him to look at. I wasn't hot anymore. I wasn't desirable in any way. Maybe I should just break up with Avery and spare him having to do it. He was too kind to break up with someone with cancer.

After spending twenty minutes in the shower breathing in the steam and letting the hot water beat down on my skin, my frustrations started to ease and I felt a little better. I wasn't going to be happy with my appearance anytime soon, but I decided to be happy about being here with Avery.

"How was your shower?" he asked when I walked back into the living room.

"Good. Much better than the hospital shower."

"What do you want for your first meal at home? I looked up a ton of recipes that are good for nausea."

I was about to tell him I didn't feel like eating, but then I realized that if I ever wanted to look good again, I needed to eat to put on more weight. After all Avery had done for me, I owed it to him to get my body back to what it was before. "Surprise me," I told him. "I care more about spending time with you than what I'm eating for dinner."

Avery smiled softly. "I'll make something that doesn't take long to cook. You go rest on the couch and I'll bring the food to you."

I sat on the couch facing the kitchen and watched Avery as he worked. I don't know how I would have done this without him. He was always cheerful and smiling, never acting like I was a burden or like he'd rather be somewhere else. He'd done so much for me, and I didn't know how I'd ever begin to repay him.

When Avery brought over my food, he was focused on making sure I ate enough and that the food wasn't making me nauseous, but afterwards, he seemed to switch off his caretaker mode and slipped into boyfriend mode. He leaned back into the corner of the couch and held out his arms, smiling at me and drawing me in with his big, blue eyes.

I nestled against him, my back resting on his chest and my hips between his thighs. Usually I was the one who held Avery, but it was nice to be held and feel the warmth of his body around mine.

"I'm happy to be home with you," I told him.

Avery rested his cheek against the top of my head. I hadn't put my hat back on after my shower, so Avery's soft cheek and the heat that emanated from it felt good against my scalp.

"I'm so happy you're home," Avery replied. "And that you're in remission, and that I can cuddle with you like this, and that I can finally kiss you in a few days. I've missed being close to you."

"Same," I said. "Thank you for cleaning and getting the condo ready for me to come home. And for everything else you've done. This would have been so much harder without you."

"All that matters is that you're getting better. I'd do anything for you."

"I know, Saint Avery," I teased him, trying to keep the mood light. "That's why I want you to tell me if you need a break. I can go stay with my dad if you want some space and time alone, or I can send you on a vacation somewhere."

"I don't want space or time alone. I want to be with you," Avery said, wrapping his arms tighter around me.

"If you won't take a break from taking care of me now, then I'm going to take you on a long vacation once this is all over," I promised. "Start thinking about where you want to go."

"Okay," Avery said. "A vacation together sounds like the perfect way to celebrate your recovery."

-

That night, I got into my own bed, sinking down onto the soft sheets that smelled like fresh laundry detergent. I was home. And the best part was Avery getting into the bed beside me. He scooted over until he was right next to me, his eyes gazing into mine. All I wanted to do was close the space between us and kiss him, but I knew it wasn't safe for him yet.

"It's hard not to kiss you," I admitted. "And I want to sleep with my arms around you, but I'm afraid I'll sweat during the night and you'll get chemo residue on you."

"I know," he said. "I want to do those things too. Just remember that in a few days, we can." He reached in between us and put one of his hands in mine. "But until then, I'll be right here."

I smiled. Holding Avery's hand while we slept was the next best thing. We'd still be touching, but it was in a way that was safer for him.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too. Goodnight, Dev."