-Devin-

I hated chemo.

I'd never felt this sick in my life. The nausea was so bad that I couldn't even smell food, and I'd refused anything the nurses tried to get me to eat. I snapped at my dad and picked fights with him over anything I could think of. To his credit, he hadn't tried to strangle me yet. I suppose the threat of me actually dying was enough for him to tolerate my behavior.

I was probably also on edge because I hadn't seen or talked to Avery. Being around him was the best part of any day and I hadn't realized how much I relied on seeing his smile and hearing his voice until now. We hadn't even texted, and it was starting to get to me.

My dad sat in the chair next to my bed, looking tired. Neither of us had gotten much sleep the last two nights or been able to nap during the day. "What can I do to help?" he asked. "Would TV or playing a game take your mind off the nausea? Do you want to give Avery a call?"

I shook my head.

"He can't see you over the phone. It's the perfect way to keep in touch."

"It's not about that," I snapped.

"Then what is it?"

A wave of sadness rolled over me, and I clenched my jaw and looked out the window, facing away from my dad. "Avery doesn't need to deal with this. I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want him to be inconvenienced by me having cancer. Work and his hiking trips or visits to friends shouldn't have to stop because of me. I don't want this to affect his life."

"You don't think worrying about you is going to affect his life? Devin, you can't pretend like nothing's wrong and shield him from the emotional impact. His boyfriend has cancer. That's going to affect him." My dad's voice was hard, and he seemed to catch himself. When he spoke again, he was quieter. "I think it'll help him if he can be here with you and make sure you're well cared for and have his support. Don't push him away."

I turned and looked at my dad. When he put it that way, it made it seem like I was being shitty to Avery, like I was stressing him out more. I took a deep breath and tried to put myself in Avery's shoes. If he was the one with cancer, I'd be absolutely frantic. I'd never want to leave his bedside, and I wouldn't even want to sleep because that would mean I wouldn't be watching him and making sure he was okay.

I knew my dad had a point, but it didn't help me feel any less terrified that Avery was going to decide this was all too much and walk away. Any guy would walk away. If I had dated any other guys before Avery, I knew I would have left if something like this happened. But Avery was different - he was special, and I'd never walk away from him. I also knew I'd loved him for months before he finally told me he loved me back, so I doubted his feelings were as strong as mine. How could I know he wouldn't leave?

-

My dad didn't say anything else about Avery the rest of the day. My nausea got worse later into the evening, to the point where I started vomiting. The nurses brought me a plastic basin that I could keep in my lap, and my dad tried to steady me as I heaved over the basin. I threw up until there was nothing left but bile. My stomach was sore from contracting and I just wanted it all to stop. I felt so awful that I decided I'd rather die.

My stomach contracted again and I brought the basin up to my face, but nothing was coming up anymore. I was so tired, but my body wouldn't let me sleep. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and my head swam. It was all too much.

"Avery," I whispered. I just wanted Avery. I didn't want him to see me like this, but I was quickly losing my resolve. I needed him next to me, his gentle hands on me and his soothing voice in my ear.

"Do you want him here?" my dad asked.

I nodded.

"I'll go get him."

"What do you mean go get him?" I glanced up at my dad.

"He's here. He's been here every moment when he's not at work, and he slept in the family room down the hall both nights."

I sat in my bed, breathing hard as I thought about my dad's words. Avery had been here the whole time? Another wave of nausea hit me the same moment as the guilt did. I'd spent all this time thinking Avery was going to leave me, and Avery had spent all this time just a few hundred feet away.

It didn't take long before Avery entered the room, a worried expression on his face. He was wearing a protective gown and gloves, same as my dad and the nurses, and at the sight of him my eyes welled up with tears. That was the last thing I needed. I didn't want to cry in front of my boyfriend and make this even worse, but something inside of me broke. I couldn't do this alone. I was upset and sick and scared to death and I needed Avery like I needed air. I felt my face crumple as a sob wracked my body.

Avery was immediately by my side, his hand on my back as he stood beside my bed. "I'm here, Devin. I'm here as long as you need me."

"I'm sorry I didn't let you see me before. I hate this," I choked out, before another contraction seized my body and I lunged toward the basin.

Avery steadied me and began rubbing slow circles on my back as I gagged and gasped over the basin. For the next hour, he didn't leave my side except to get a cup of water and a few paper towels. He encouraged me to rinse out my mouth with the water, and he gently dried off my face and wiped the sweat from my forehead. When I wasn't vomiting, he sat on the bed with me, his arms around me as I slumped against him. I knew this had to be boring and gross for him, and there were a million other things he could be doing instead. But he stayed, and I was grateful.

When the nausea finally settled, partly due to a new medication they gave me, the nurse told us Avery would have to leave, since only one person could stay overnight in my room.

I looked at both Avery and my dad, and then asked Avery, "Will you stay?" I didn't think I could deal with this if he wasn't near me.

"Of course."

"Dad, you need a break. Go home and take a shower and sleep in a real bed," I told him, trying to smile.

My dad smiled back. "I'm glad you're coming to your senses and letting your boyfriend be here."

The nurse stepped over to the other side of my bed. "Boyfriend? We'll have to go over the rules."

"Trust me, I'm not in the mood for sex," I muttered.

I could see both Avery and my dad trying not to laugh, and making them feel better made me feel better. The nurse was less amused.

"Avery, right?" she said, turning to him. "You can't sleep in the bed with him. No kissing, and no touching unless you have gloves on. It's not only for Devin's sake, since his immune system is vulnerable right now, but it's for yours as well. Devin has chemotherapy drugs in all his bodily fluids, and if you come into contact with those, they can harm you."

Everyone had been wearing the protective gear around me, but I hadn't thought much about why. "So...I'm poisonous?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

This time, even the nurse couldn't hide her amusement. "If that's how you want to think of it. But the point is, you don't want to harm Avery, so you both need to be careful."

Avery, of course, looked incredibly serious as he listened to the nurse go over a few more things with him. If only she knew that he was the last person the hospital would ever need to worry about, since he was such a stickler for rules.

My dad hugged me and stroked my hair a few times before taking off his gown and gloves. "I'll be back in the morning. Avery, let me know if anything changes."

"I will."

As he headed towards the door, my dad smiled at the nurse. "Devin won't be so combative and difficult now that Avery is here. Your job's about to get a whole lot easier."

She laughed. "I do hope that's true."

-

Avery sat in the bed with me, his arm around me although he was careful not to come into contact with my sweat or get his face too close to mine. I wanted to kiss him, but I would never do anything to harm him, so I settled on resting my head against his chest and listening to his heart beat.

"I'm glad you're here," I murmured.

"Me too. I'm so happy to see you."

"I didn't want you to see me like this."

He ran his fingers through my hair, which felt weird with a glove covering his hand, but his touch was still nice. "It doesn't matter to me if you're sick. I want to be around you."

"Did you really sleep in the family room?"

"I did."

"Doesn't sound too comfortable. Although, I'm not sure the air mattress my dad has in here is much better."

Avery sighed. "I wish I could sleep right here with you. It's starting to hit me how hard this is going to be, not being able to sleep with you or kiss you for a month."

I squeezed my arms tighter around his waist. The only thing worse would be if he left me and I couldn't sleep with him or kiss him ever again.

Before I could respond, the nurse came back in. "It's time for vitals and for you to get some rest. Avery, you're going to have to move to your own bed now."

Avery squeezed my hand before getting out of my bed. "I'm going to walk down the hall to the public bathrooms to brush my teeth."

I watched as he grabbed his bag and left, knowing he was being considerate enough to give me privacy while the nurse checked my vitals and administered more medication.

"Are you okay with having someone around all the time?" the nurse asked. "Some patients get overwhelmed by visitors and want time alone. If that happens, you let us know and we'll kick everyone out."

I shook my head. "I don't want to be alone. One, it's boring, and two, having Avery around helps me feel better."

"He seems like a sweet young man."

"He is. I still don't know how I got him to date a total nightmare like me. My nickname for him is Saint Avery, and his friends call me Devil."

The nurse cracked a smile at that. "Sounds like I don't need to worry about him. You, on the other hand, I'll need to keep an eye on."

I smirked at her, but when she turned to adjust my medication, I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry, but this has all been overwhelming and I don't remember your name. I'm sure you introduced yourself already."

"You can call me Nurse Evelyn."

"Devin and Evelyn. We rhyme."

She turned and smiled at me. "Try to get some sleep. I'll be around for a few more hours before shift change, so just press the button if you need anything."

As she left, Avery came back in and set his bag down by the air mattress. He was wearing pajamas and slippers, but he put a pair of gloves on one more time so he could come over and squeeze my hand. It was going to have to be our new way of saying goodnight.

"I love you," he said, smiling down at me as he held my hand tightly.

"I love you too."

He turned off the lights and laid down on the air mattress, but I could still see him looking at me in the dim light of all the machines by my bed.

"Goodnight, Avery," I whispered.