TW:

-Suicide attempts
-Selfharm
-Meds against will (Mori)
-Breakdown
-Depressive episode

Huge spoliers for Horizon Zero Dawn. 

As always »...« is not my wording, this time it's out of Horizon. 

_____

"And Albatross wanted to play it with us?" Dazai asks, doubt clearly in his voice as his eyes fly over the back cover of the game, taking in the red-haired main character and all other information he can find. Chuuya's younger version is kneeling in front of the TV inserting the game into the PS4 and after that, he grabs the controller to join Dazai on the couch. Real Chuuya had seen so many memories by now it was an endless ocean of missions, going to the arcade, seeing Dazai's nightmares (which seemed to be very repetitive, and Chuuya's no expert but isn't that like...a bad thing?) and so many other moments between their younger versions. He must've watched at least one and a half years of their memories by now.

"Yeah," his younger self says and clicks on the game, which is downloading now. "He insisted on playing it together and forbid me to play it alone."

"But isn't it a one-player game?" It's a fair question. They usually only met up to play competitive games, not to watch the other play.

"Oh please, every mission with you is a one-player game because I beat everyone up while you just laze around!" His younger self-defenses immediately because he wants to play it together. He made a promise to Albatross and apart from that he wanted to spend time with Dazai without losing to the younger teen almost every time. "We can switch when we feel like it or if one of us dies or whatever," he suggests, and Dazai nods absently, lost in thoughts as he stares at the cover he still holds in his hands.

"Chibi won't get to play long then," he mumbles, earning a weak hit from Chuuya as he places the case of the game on the little table in front of the couch. "So, what's it about? Did Albatross tell you why he wanted to play it together?"

"No, he didn't", his younger self says, and it's a lie. Albatross wanted to play this game because the protagonist was similar to Chuuya in a way no one else could be: She struggled with her humanity, not knowing who or what she is. And the older flag member wanted to play that game before Chuuya's sixteenth birthday but his younger self didn't want to play the game with Dazai. The topic was too sensitive and he didn't trust Dazai with it, but after their talk in the car, he knew the younger teen wouldn't make fun of it and Albatross probably knew it all along. Damn, their friend really was the best wingman ever, even after he died he still managed to get them to grow closer. "It's a post-apocalypse world and humanity is back to its primitive roots as hunters and gatherers while machines built by the old civilization roam the world."

"Mhm, sounds interesting," the brunet admits as the game finally starts and they watch the first cut-scene, which shows them the world and the machines. They also introduce the caretaker of a baby as they journey to a village, so the child can get a name. It's clear that the two of them are outcasts from their village and live in isolation. The child, Aloy, is emitted because she has no mother and the villagers are matriarchal, so they treat the child like a plague, a bad omen. The villagers are also very religious in a suffocating way, at least if one asks Dazai and Chuuya. It's believed that the old civilization fell apart because they didn't believe in gods, so visiting the ruins of the old civilizations is forbidden, which is stupid. As Aloy grows older, she accidentally falls into one of the ruins and finds a strange communication device (it's later called 'focus') which helps her to get out of the ruin, so she keeps it. Throughout her life as an outcast, she isn't in contact with any children, which makes her feel lonely. The other children are afraid of her and one of them hates her, so he throws a stone at her, which results in a wound on her forehead. Aloy catches the next stone the asshole kid throws at her, and the first 'flash point' of the game starts. In a flash point, the player can decide how he wants Aloy to react to certain things, she always has three options: she can confront (fist symbol), use her insight (brain symbol) or she can express compassion (heart symbol). For the situation now, the player can either aim for his head, drop the rock or knock the rock out of his hand. For Chuuya it's an easy decision.

"That little fucker is going down!" And his younger version is about to press X to select his choice, but Dazai stops him.

"Do you really think that it's going to make it better? We are already outcasts here, what do you think would happen if we hurt one of their precious sheltered children?" He questions and turns his head towards Chuuya eyebrow risen as he waits for an answer to his stupid logical questions.

"So what?" The older teen scoffs, moving his head to face the other. "You expect me to drop the rock?"

"Of course not, that'd be stupid. The rock is the only way to defend ourselves," he explains, "I think it'd be the best to knock the rock out of his hand. That will show him that we won't take shit, but it will also not cause any problems for us."

"Fine, but for the record: Hitting his stupid face with a rock would be more satisfying." He grumbles as he selects Dazai's option and they continue to play. As of now, they're still in the tutorial part of the game, getting introduced to the game mechanics as they sneak around machines with Aloy's focus and they witness Aloy's training to win a tournament the village held called 'the proving' in which an outcast like her can be part of the village if she succeeds in it. And if she gets the first place, she can ask the elders who and where her mother is. So, there's a training cut-scene in which Aloy gets better and better and grows older. She seems to be somewhat around 20 now and Rost, her caretaker, has one last lesson for her. It's to fight a new machine she never fought before to protect the village. After that, the time for the proving has arrived, so they travel towards the village.

_____

Dazai enjoys watching their younger version play Horizon Zero Dawn. The battles are challenging, the story is interesting, and the concept of a destroyed civilization is simply fascinating. It's a great game. He has fond memories of it and he can't thank Albatross enough that he got to play it with Chuuya. Even from his grave, the older teen is a great friend and an excellent wingman. It's almost ridiculous. He focuses on the screen, trying to determine where they are in the story, and concludes that they are right before the proving. Oh, they are right before that flash point. The cut scene starts and Dazai feels nauseous. Aloy talks with Rost and then asks if she'll see him back home in a few days.

»You will not find me there, Aloy, here...,« Rost says and takes a chain with a teeth-like pendant out of a pocket. »Take this, to...« he seems to try to find the right word »...remember.« He puts the chain in Aloy's hand and she looks down at it.

»Why are you talking like we'll never see each other again?« She asks as she faces Rost once more. The other doesn't answer her. »No...« she mumbles as she realizes what all of this means. »No!« She exclaims as Rost turns to walk away, reaching for him.

»You should be with the tribe,« He tells her, voice low as he tries to stay strong during their farewell, »and I will always be an outcast.« He states and starts to go away but Aloy stops him.

»But I told you I have that figured out!« she tells him, a desperate edge to her voice. »I'll come to you in secret! I'll be the one breaking the law, not you! You don't even have to talk to me.« It hurts. The dialog in general and the knowledge that he never let Chuuya have that talk. Dazai left without a word because he was too afraid.

»This...attachment to me will only hold you back! It's my wish that you embrace the tribe.« Rost emphasizes. »You've lived in isolation long enough.«

»Not until now I didn't,« she says and fear and hurt are clear in her voice as she lowers her eyes to the ground, unable to face Rost for a moment.

»For your sake, I must go where you will never find me. This is goodbye.« And now Rost doesn't face her anymore, probably can't without losing his composure because everything in the way he talks and moves shows how much he hates this. He doesn't want to say goodbye, he just sees no other way. It's for Aloy's sake and it's sincere. Dazai on the other hand... just ran away. He was too scared to face Chuuya.

"He can't just go!" Chuuya's voice rips him out of his thoughts. The grip on the controller is so strong that Dazai can make out the white of his knuckles. "He can't leave us alone!"

"We're going to have the village, though, don't we?" His younger self comments, and Chibi's head snaps in his direction.

"Those assholes hate us! I don't want to be part of that stupid village!" Dazai hears a light cracking sound and concludes that it must come from the controller Chuuya is crushing in his hands.

"But those assholes, as you so kindly put it, have answers to our past," his younger self points out and Chuuya's eyes dart to the side.

"That's true, but why can't we have both?" He asks, looking into Dazai's eyes again. "We had a plan. We would've visited him and he wouldn't break the rules because we'd be the only ones that's talking, so why does he-"

"Because it's the best for us," his younger self interrupts Chuuya's rant before the controller breaks under all the pressure Chuuya puts on him. "He wants us to know about our past and he wants us to never have to live isolated again."

"He doesn't have to go for that!" Chuuya claims and moves the joystick, so the selection hovers over the flash point option 'but I will find you'. "He taught us how to track, we can find him! We don't have to-"

"Chuuya," his voice is calm as he looks at the older teen who's never been good with losing people one way or another. His abandonment issues probably got a lot worse after Dazai left without a word. "I know that we could, but he doesn't want that. Shouldn't we respect that even if it's hard?"

"Respect it?! He has only presented us with a fait accompli! It doesn't seem like he respects our feelings in any way!" The redhead snaps and the brunet sighs.

"Don't you see how hard this decision is for him? He doesn't want to go-"

"Then he shouldn't!"

"-but he has to. It's for our sake, it really is," he says in a firm voice, hoping that Chuuya will finally realize that this farewell is unavoidable. Then he sighs. "We haven't even played for an hour and you're already this attached."

"I'm not attached," the redhead replies snarkily and his younger self rises an eyebrow which earns him a friendly, "fuck off," from Chuuya. Dazai remembers how Chuuya cried when Rost sacrificed his life to save Aloy and how badly Chuuya wanted to revenge a fictional character. Dazai always envied how fast Chuuya can get attached, even if it was an annoying trait because Chuuya always grieved the fallen subordinates. "Okay," he says reluctantly, "what would you select then?"

"Heart," he answers. Chuuya rolls his eyes but selects it and the cut-scene continues.

»I see,« Aloy voices and sounds defeated. »I'm glad to have this then,« she lets Rost know as she moves the hand where the pendant rests in. »It will remind me of you...of everything you did and how you helped prepare me for this day.« Rost looks at the pendant she holds in her hand for a short moment and then meets her eyes again.

»Thank you.«

»Heavier than it looks,« her voice is strained and she is probably trying to hold back tears, »but the court is strong,« she states in a beautiful metaphor. They may be apart, but nothing can break their bond. It's the same for them, isn't it? Chuuya trusts him, he rescued him and Dazai really doesn't deserve it, but he's so glad that their bond is still there.

»May all mother bless you Aloy,« is the last thing Rost says as he turns to leave.

»And you,« Aloy responds quietly, watching Rost back as he moves farther and farther away.

"I hate this." It's funny. If their life was a game as greatly designed as the one they're playing, this moment, this flash point they played, and the way they discussed it would be used as a method to foreshadow Dazai's betrayal. And since their lives aren't some game, Dazai has to marvel at the unintended foreshadowing for what it is: the cruel irony of life. He forced Chuuya into the mafia, a place he never wanted to be in, and then he left. Just like Rost did, well, almost like Rost did. Aloy's caretaker didn't force her into the village. She wanted to claim her heritage. She wanted to reach her goal of finding out who she was ('just like Chuuya', a voice helpfully provides in the back of Dazai's head) and Rost gave her that chance. He didn't stand in her way, didn't snatch that stupid executive seat right under his nose and, most importantly, Rost didn't run away from the farewell. Dazai did. He didn't leave a word behind, only a bomb. It wasn't his first option. Back then, right after the mimic incident, he stumbled to Chuuya's apartment, barging in to tell the other what happened and that they were leaving, but he wasn't there. Chuuya was aboard and Dazai was so weak. He wanted to choose 'heart', but in the end, he had to choose 'fist' because he was so scared. What if Chuuya hadn't reacted the way he wanted to if he chose 'heart' at that flash point in their partnership? For the first time in his life, he had been scared to lose a game.

"I know, Chuuya," his younger self says and Dazai echoes it because in the end he lost the game anyway, didn't he?

_____

Water. Chuuya's underwater. Well, not really, but he hates that he knows why he is underwater and as if on cue he sees a gloved hand break through the surface, reaching right through Chuuya to pull a body up. He follows the movement and surfaces to take in his surroundings. The first thing he sees is his younger self, cursing as he pulls Dazai's body out of the water. His screams scared away a flock of birds sitting on the top of the trees surrounding the lake they were currently in.

"You're supposed to be at work!" And Chuuya knows that his younger self isn't this angry because of the missed day at work. "I'm not doing your shitty paperwork." And what he means by that is that he refuses to let Dazai leave him. He is supposed to stay. He should tease him and win against him in every single game they played. He should just be there.

"You're such a brute," Dazai grumbles, trying to get out of Chuuya's grip but giving up a few seconds later. "It was so nice lying upon the bottom of the lake and you had to destroy it," he complains but his voice isn't as lively as usual. No teasing, no whining as if he had forgotten that his voice is capable of different pitches and intonations. It's so dangerously monotone and Chuuya hates it. Hates what it indicates.

"And you destroyed my patience!" His younger version drags the younger teen out of the lake, water splashing everywhere as he moves through the lake without care, scaring any fish away except for the mackerel. Chuuya just watches them leave, water dripping from their clothes as his younger self scolds Dazai for trying to drown himself. It's just the beginning. It always starts like this.

_____

Dazai was certain that he watched at least one and a half years of their memories by now, or at least the ones he got to see. It still surprises him that Arahabaki lets him see so much right now. But the detective won't complain even though the god could've skipped all of his failed attempts. His younger self was spiraling down in an episode, and Chuuya had a front-row seat. It always starts the same way, so Chuuya was well accomplished with the telltales: His attempts increased and at the same time everything else lessens to the point where he just doesn't react to anything at all. He stops teasing Chuuya. He stops going to the arcade. He stops to eat. He stops to shower. He just stops, and all that remains is an empty shell for an emptier soul. Then he attempts to free the soul and if someone -always Chuuya- prevents him from destroying his body, he snaps and all the hate he has for himself gets pointed at the person trying to help him. He tries to push Chuuya away. With everything he has and since he's got nothing on the other's strength, he uses his words.

"I don't need you," his voice hisses, "no one does," and there's a voice at the back of his head, screaming at him to stop trying to hurt the only person who sticks around through it all. But that's exactly what he's doing with the ugly words that leave his mouth. And Chuuya? He just takes it. He doesn't reply as he takes care of the self-inflicted wounds that decorate his arms. The redhead is on top of him, pressing Dazai's body to the ground because Dazai had snapped, trying to aim the razor blade at Chuuya for disrupting his only way to be free. The older teen easily disarmed him, the blade had made a loud sound as it crashed against the wall of his container, denting the metal slightly. "That's why the sheep betrayed you," he spits. The older teen stops his movements, takes a deep breath, and didn't. say. a word. Which makes it so much worse. Chuuya should scream at him, shouldn't care as much as he did, but the older teen is still focused on his self-proclaimed task to wrap the teen up in bandages with a gentleness his younger self doesn't deserve. Not with what he just said. He didn't even mean it. It was just a lie so Chuuya would stop, so he could finally die in peace, and maybe the redhead knows that. Maybe that's the reason why he doesn't lash out in anger. It doesn't justify his words, it doesn't make them hurt less.

"You done?" The older teen asks, tone unimpressed, as he finished wrapping him up in clean bandages. He looks at Dazai -looks right into his soul- and waits for an answer.

"I would've been done if you didn't stop me!" Is the reply as his younger version tries to push Chuuya off him. The older teen doesn't move an inch, he just lifts an eyebrow and Dazai growls frustrated but stops his movements.

"Mhm, not done," the redhead concludes with a sigh. "Could've just said that." It's so weird how calm the older teen is. Maybe because he is balancing the other's behavior. Maybe he instinctively knows that this indifferent mask is the only thing that is helping him in this situation. Dazai doesn't know and it's not like he can just ask him that. "You're coming with me either way." His younger self shakes his head while he bangs his fists against Chuuya's torso. The older teen just lets him.

"No, no, no! Leave me here!" he screams as he keeps trying once more to push Chuuya off without avail. Fists colliding uncoordinated with the other's chest. He is no match for Chuuya's strength, especially with his lack of nutrition and they both do know it but his younger self doesn't stop trying. "I don't want to be a victim of your pathetic savior complex!" Chuuya sighs and catches the younger teen's fist effortlessly with his hands, forcing them towards the ground to stop his tantrum.

"I won't leave you here to die," Chuuya states, "so you can pick out of three options: You just come along with me, I use force to take you to my places, or -if you make it any harder than it's already been- I numb you down with pills. Your choice." As the older teen voices the last option, Dazai's body stops moving, seemingly trying to melt into the ground, and his eyes get a watery touch.

"No pills, don't numb me down," his younger self begs with a panic edge to his voice. It's weird for Dazai to hear his own voice so broken and close to tears as all the fight left his body. Mori used to numb him down after he overdosed on sleeping pills. He hated it. Everything felt like it was wrapped in cotton and he couldn't move his body, he couldn't even speak and his thoughts spiraled down to a useless gibberish no one could understand. It left him helpless, with no control. He hates not being in control and so he never used pills as a suicide method again. He hates pills and avoids them if he can.

"So, you're coming with me?" And his younger self doesn't seem to register the question because he continues to mumble how he doesn't want any pills, how he doesn't want to be numb. Tears start to leave his eyes and Chuuya stands up to carefully move his hands and arms underneath his younger self to carry him to his apartment. "Calm down," he tries to soothe, "it was an empty threat. As if I would let you close to any sort of pill," He mumbles and his younger self does not know that and he doesn't hear the quiet words as he is too preoccupied with repeating his words like a mantra.

"No pills, don't make me take any pills, please, you can't numb me down," his words slur and he doesn't realize that Chuuya's already carried him out of his container and moved towards the nearest street. It doesn't take him long to reach it, and a black car is already waiting for him to take him to Chuuya's apartment. It's a quiet drive because his younger self has fallen asleep and the older teen just watches him with a worried expression, and Dazai hates it. Chuuya shouldn't worry about him, not after everything he screamed in his face. The car reaches its destination and the redhead carries his sleeping self up to his place. He sits him down to take his shoes off, and then he moves him towards his bedroom. The older teen gently takes off the black coat and his tie (debating for a few seconds if he should undress him further, but decides against it) as he lays him on the bed to cover him with the big fluffy blanket. The room is quiet and Chuuya takes in the picture of Dazai laying in his bed to let out a sigh, already moving to the heater. Chibi's always so worried about his health. After turning up the heater, he quietly leaves the room and rushes into the bathroom, but he doesn't close the door as he pulls out a small see-through plastic container that's tinted orange.

"He will need his pills, Chuuya," the redhead mimics someone -probably Mori- with a scoff and opens the container, "he wants to numb all his feelings, he will ask you for the pills," he continues to ape -definitely Mori- as he lifts the toilet seat and lets every last pill drop into the toilet before he flushes it down. "He didn't seem like he wanted that shit at all," Chuuya mumbles, staring at the now empty container, reading the ingredients to figure out what the pills would've done, but he didn't know enough about it, so he puts the small container back in his pocket and storms out of the room to leave his apartment. Real Dazai follows him as he rushes to the small supermarket, but before he enters, he throws the container in the trash and uses his ability to crush it into a million pieces.

_____

"You should've let me die," is the first thing Dazai says as Chuuya enters the bedroom. He stares at the ceiling lost in thoughts and real Chuuya is glad he can't hear them. Damn, he could've lived without seeing those parts of their memories again. Dazai's attempts were bad enough while they happened, and the executive felt useless next to their younger selves.

"And you should eat," his younger self replies, seemingly unimpressed, but he remembers how he felt back down, how this was eating him up from the inside. He hated it when Dazai lost against his own mind. It hurts to watch him become so monotone and quiet. It was such a sharp cut from his usual annoying and teasing self to this, and Chuuya decided that quiet didn't suit Dazai at all.

"Don't bother to feed the dead." His gaze is still on the ceiling as if he hopes that it will fall down on him if he stares long enough at it, and Chuuya's younger self doesn't know what to do. "It's a waste of time."

"It's not a waste of time if you'd eat what I cooked," the older teen presses, a bit helpless because he doesn't know how to handle this, but he doesn't want to call Mori. The former doctor will just numb the teen down, and Dazai was afraid of that, so there was no way in hell that Chuuya would hand him over to their boss. The younger teen had to eat, though, and Chuuya was not sure what he was supposed to do if he didn't. Tackle him and force it down his throat? "It's crab with fried rice," he says, shaking off his useless thoughts, but he gets no reaction, which creeps him out. Usually, the younger teen would beam at him all happy and content, making a stupid comment about Chuuya being a good dog or maid or whatever and the older teen would be pissed, but goddammit he wished the brunet would tease him like always instead of ignoring him like this with his eyes still locked on the fucking ceiling. A sigh leaves the older teen's mouth as he puts the plate on the nightstand with a bottle of water. "If you want more, just tell me, alright?" There's no answer and the silence is killing his younger self, so he flees the situation, "I'm in the other room, just call if you need me."

Dazai didn't call.

After hours have passed, his younger self is entering the room again with a new dish in his hand, and his heart clenches in on itself as he sees that Dazai hadn't eaten anything. The younger teen didn't even move, still staring at the ceiling like a lifeless doll.

"I made soup," he tries to ignore the pain in his chest as he moves the untouched plate with fried rice to the side to place the bowl with soup on the nightstand. "It's crab and rice again because I thought you'd like that," his younger self can't seem to stop his nervous rambling as the situation is just overwhelming and leaves him helpless. He hates being helpless. What if Dazai doesn't eat? What if he dies? "But if you don't want that, I can, like, cook you something else. Just tell me what you want to eat and then I'll just make it for you and-"

"Leave me alone," the brunet cuts him off, without sparing him a glance, as his eyes are still fixed on the stupid ceiling. Chuuya remembers how he felt his heart sink back then, how it felt like Dazai just slapped him in the face with those three small words.

"Oh, okay," his younger self mumbles as his gaze wanders to the ground, looking at the floor and his own feet. He felt so small back then. And so stupid. Why did he even think Dazai would eat? He tried to end his life, of course, he didn't care for his diet right now. Chuuya is trying his best here and it hurts that he can't reach the younger teen and sure, it's a pathetic selfish feeling because Dazai doesn't owe him anything, especially not gratitude. So his younger self should just get a grip over his dumb emotions and give Dazai some room and time. And he is going to do that, but Dazai is going to eat, for fuck's sake! "I'll leave you alone if you eat," he negotiates in a blunt voice.

"No."

"Well, tough luck 'cause I'm not leaving then, actually," he says and moves towards the bed, "I think I'll keep you company," he declares as lets his back collide with the soft blanket. His shoulder is brushing Dazai's and he knows the other hates this, but it's for his own good. He needs to eat and if the younger teen only does so if Chuuya annoys him, then so be it. He will just talk non-stop until the younger teen can't take it anymore. Easy. "While I was grocery shopping a few days ago, Ane-san called me and asked if I could buy her feminine hygiene products because she ran out of them and I was like 'yeah, sure' thinking it can't be that hard to pick the right thing. I was so wrong. But how the fuck was I supposed to know that there are so many different products? Like there's a huge shelf filled with an endless amount of tampons and pads in all sorts of variations. There are pads with wings or without wings, extra large for the night, super absorbent materials for an extra heavy flow, and so on. Seriously, how do women deal with all this shit? I spent at least ten minutes in front of that stupid shelf picking five products out of the ocean of options to be sure I had at least one that would be to her liking. Then I bought almonds because one of the sheep once told me that they can help to lessen the pain. I also got her Mon Cherié because chocolate makes everything better, and chocolate with alcohol in it triples that effect. Ane-san was pleasantly surprised. She laughed a bit at me for 'panic buying five products' but thanked me and then we watched a movie together. It was so nice and now I know which product she actually uses, so I'll never have to stand ten minutes in front of a stupid shelf," his younger self ends his little story just to start the next one: "I saw Hirotsu with a switch the other day. He was playing Animal Crossing. It was quite adorable, even though he pretended it was your switch and you told him to watch over it. Poor Gramps feels embarrassed about it and thinks I'm stupid enough to not realize that he bought the animal-crossing switch. You know, I think we should befriend him, maybe then he wouldn't be so embarrassed anymore! Oh, we should also buy him 'Harvest Moon' for his birthday. I think he would adore it and—" he stops because Dazai suddenly sits up with a frustrated scream.

"You fucking win!" The younger teen yells while he glares at Chuuya, which is rare. The brunet doesn't get loud like this, but his younger self is so happy that he's not staring at the dumb ceiling anymore, that he doesn't register the change in behavior. The redhead gets up and reaches for the bowl to hand it to Dazai, "just give me the soup and leave," who rips it out of his hands, causing a few drops of the soup to drop on the bed. Neither of them cares as the brunet reluctantly brings the edge of the bowl to his lips. He pierces Chuuya with a last glare before he closes his eyes and hastily slurps up the soup, not bothering to chew on the rice or the crab pieces in it. Stupid mackerel is going to have a stomachache later if he doesn't die from choking on rice first. But Chuuya isn't dumb enough to interrupt the younger teen to scold him, nuh-uh, he's happy that the younger one is finally eating something. Even though he only swallows down each drop of soup in such haste because he wants to be left alone, Chuuya can't help but smile. It's progress. Small progress he was somewhat manipulated into but progress nonetheless. "There," Dazai pushes the now empty bowl in Chuuya's hands, as he wipes his mouth with the sleeves of his shirt, "now leave." Chuuya smiles and nods.

"Wasn't that hard, was it?" He comments because he can't help but feel victorious about accomplishing that Dazai ate. The brunet doesn't say anything, he just lets himself fall on the soft bed to stare at the boring ceiling again. But that's alright. He ate. So Chuuya says nothing as he takes the untouched plate and the empty bowl out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

_____

Chibi is sitting on his couch, clicking through Netflix shows, and ends up selecting nothing as he puts the TV remote down with a sigh. He probably wants to check up on Dazai's younger version but the brunet beats him to it as he opens the bedroom door with the fluffy blanket draped around his body like a cloak and flops down on the couch next to Chuuya. The tiny redhead just watched him like any wrong movement would make him run off like a startled deer. The adorable idiot was even holding his breath for a few seconds.

"What are you planning to watch?" His younger self asks while his eyes scan all the options the TV screen shows off.

"Nothing," the tiny mafioso admits but then his eyes light up and Dazai knows that his younger self thinks that it's cute. "Do you wanna play Horizon?" He leans a bit in Dazai's direction, all excited and happy, so there was no way in hell that the younger teen would reject the other's suggestion. Sometimes, he wonders if Chuuya realizes what power he actually has over him. Then again, after this ability nightmare, he is going to know it all. Dazai wants to get out of here to drown himself in the nearest river because he just can't face Chuuya ever again.

"Yeah," his younger self agrees and thinks for a bit before adding, "but no story?" Chuuya looks surprised, but then smiles at him, understanding Dazai's request without any explanation. His younger self just couldn't concentrate on the story at the moment.

"Sure," he answers, and it's so softly spoken that Dazai just melts like his younger version did back then. "We can just level a bit, hm? Watching me gloriously defeated machines is top-notch entertainment, after all," he brags with a smirk, and takes the remote to switch to the PS4 to start the game.

"The entertainment lies in you losing," his younger self corrects, and real Dazai smiles because the older teen is going to lose a few fights.

"Then you are going to be pretty bored," the feisty little redhead counters as he selects their latest saved progress. The smile on Dazai's face gets softer because his younger self is going to be entertained. Chuuya is going to lose a few fights, but not really since he is deliberately getting killed by machines. How Dazai knows that? Easy: Chuuya is good at the game, especially in combat, not that Dazai will ever tell him that, but the redhead is just amazing when he fights against machines. Dazai plays the game strategically safe, he attacks from a distance, uses his environment, and exploits the weakness of each machine while he sneakily kills them one by one. Chuuya is the exact opposite, he barges into a group of strong and restless machines like he was made for it. The redhead (on the couch and in-game) slaughters every machine that charges at him with such a finesse that Dazai is mesmerized because Chuuya isn't blindly pushing buttons like he does in other games. It seems like he doesn't push anything at all, as if he switched the place with Aloy and fought them all by himself. Maybe the redhead just needs a good story to memorize combinations and not just press buttons without thinking. It's such a sight watching Chibi turn the redhead on screen into a fucking war goddess. Honestly, if they could play against each other in this game, Dazai might lose against him. So, yeah, he knows that the other is losing on purpose. The redhead would never lose to those low-class machines, and the thought that stubborn and prideful Chuuya is letting poor Aloy die only to entertain and pull his younger self out of his thoughts is the sweetest thing on this whole planet.

_____

"Are you sure? You can stay here longer," his younger self says because letting Dazai out of his sight after an attempt was terrifying. They were standing in front of the door already. Dazai gripped the handle, his head turned towards Chuuya with a shit-eating grin on his face. The stupid idiot thought he already overstayed his welcome and was going to make his younger self stop worrying by teasing.

"You're such a good dog for offering your owner to stay," he speaks and his voice is pitched higher as he mock praises the older teen, easily dodging the kick, "but sadly I have important matters to attend."

"I'm not your fucking dog!" The older teen screams and it's really silly how Dazai can play him.

"But I won our bet and-"

"Shut up and leave already!" And Dazai did. He opened the door and stepped outside, and walks down the hallway, but despite the teasing, his younger self will never stop worrying about his suicidal partner. "Dazai!" He yells after him a bit too loud, and the future detective stops in his tracks, head turning, so he can see Chuuya over his shoulder. "I want to play Horizon tomorrow," he starts lowering his voice, so his neighbors won't write a noise complaint, "so you have to be here, you hear me?" Dazai's eye widens for a fraction of a second and he turns his head away, starting to walk to the stairs again. His thoughts are so loud as he tries to keep it cool. He knows exactly what Chuuya is doing and he hates and loves it at the same time. You have to be here is another way of saying stay alive.

"Yeah, whatever," he waves it off as he lifts one of his hands in a lazy farewell gesture, "see you tomorrow." A few seconds pass and the younger teen is turning around a corner. Chuuya knows it's selfish to make the brunet agree to live yet another day, but he's not feeling bad about making the younger teen live from appointment to appointment. He needs those little unsaid promises of staying alive just for a while longer, it keeps him at ease, and at least now he knows that Dazai doesn't hate him for that selfishness. The brunet lived through, so many forced on him 'tomorrows' by now, and Chuuya thinks that Dazai needed that just as much as he did. He is never going to feel ashamed about the little 'tomorrows' his younger self threw around whenever they parted to keep the bandaged freak alive a little longer, day after day.

_____

Dazai was leaning against a building, his phone in one hand and he tried to look indifferent as he stared at the screen, but Chuuya could hear his thoughts. The younger teen was freaking out because he just invited his younger self to join his friends in a karaoke bar.

Me
So?
What do you say?
There's booze too

Slug
Mhm
Booze is nice
R u paying?

Me
Ha!
If you sing better than me I will throw a bone for you and pay your drinks
But that's not going to happen
Chibi can only howl like a doggy after all

Slug
Asshole
But count me in
& get ready to pay for all my drinks

Me
Hehehe
The whiskey is gonna taste better if my dog pays for it :D

Slug
Stop ur stupid jokes and tell me where u @

Me
[you shared your location]

Slug
On my way
5 min tops

Me
Kay

"You're early," said a voice, and Dazai put his phone away to look at the newcomer. Oda and the bureaucrat were slowly closing the distance to stand right next to him. "Wanna head in?"

"Hello to you too Ango," the brunet said and the government guy smiled at him. "We have to wait a bit." His friends looked surprised so he added, "I invited Chuuya." Now the two men looked at each other and then at Dazai.

"Oh? I thought you'd never wanted to introduce us?" Oda teased the youngest of their friend group, which resulted in an adorable pink-eared Dazai. "What made you change your mind?"

"I don't know," was the reply that came a bit too quickly, "I was waiting for you and then I just texted him." He shrugged his shoulders, but it was too tense to have the desired nonchalant effect. The teen was so worried and he didn't understand why he suddenly invited his younger version, but now it was too late to change anything about it. "He is going to be here in like five minutes." And they waited. They didn't have to wait five minutes though because it didn't take Chuuya that long to arrive. He did scare Dazai's friends, though, as he just jumped down in front of them from the rooftop. "Three minutes and 37 seconds," the younger teen stated with his eyes locked on the pocket watch Hirotsu gifted him before he let it fall back into his pocket.

"Mhm, a new record, isn't it?" His younger self sounded so smug and then he seemed to notice the other persons that were present. "Oh, you must be Dazai's friends, right?" He approached them, hand already stretched in their direction, and Oda immediately took it.

"That's right," he said, friendly shaking his hand, "I'm Oda."

"Chuuya," his younger self stated, then he greeted that government asshole before they headed inside. "You know, it's funny," the older teen said when they all were being led by a waitress to their karaoke room. Oda and Chuuya were directly behind her, while Dazai and the government guy were a bit behind them. "I always thought he had some other Oda as a friend."

"What, am I not good enough?" The older redhead joked and Chuuya shook his head.

"No, that's not what I meant. I was just confused because Dazai kept saying 'Odasaku' and I knew that was not your name, you know?" His younger self explained with a smile. "He talks a lot about you." Real Chuuya can almost feel how badly Oda wanted to say that Dazai talked about him too, but he kind of promised the brunet not to make such comments so he held it back.

"Does he now?"

"Don't worry, nothing bad," he reassures before he starts talking about literature and poems because Dazai told him Oda wanted to write, so the older teen used this moment to converse about his favorite works. Real Chuuya was not interested in that talk though, no, he let himself fall back a little so he could understand what Dazai and the government guy were talking about.

"You want to impress him, don't you?" The bureaucrat guessed, voice lowered, and Dazai's ears turned red. "Oh, you do," he sounded somewhat surprised that his guess was right. "Go on and sing then. Lure your prince in the water."

"I'm not a siren," Dazai says in a dry voice, clearly trying to avoid the actual topic. For a few moments, it worked because they arrived at their room and took their seats on the comfortable couch, and because Dazai's friends somehow always were good at being wingmen, the teenagers were sitting beside each other surrounded by the adults. They ordered their drinks and the moment the waitress leaves the room, the bureaucrat puts the microphone in Dazai's hand. The teen just sighs in defeat and selects a song. His voice is nice. It's not perfect and sometimes he doesn't get the notes right but somehow that makes it beautiful. His voice is so rough, full of emotions and so alive, god, Chuuya could listen to him forever. It was a shame when the song ended and Dazai handed him the microphone, the applauding of his friends in the background. "You sure you can sing better?" The brunet teased and his younger self rolls his eyes. He did sing the younger sheep to sleep and they all complimented his voice, so Dazai didn't stand a chance against him.

"Watch me," he says and now he finally knows why Dazai seemed lost in thoughts for a moment because he could hear the thoughts that went through his head. He was thinking about that dream he had where Chuuya kissed him after those words. God, the brunet is so adorable. Dazai takes a seat between his friends on the couch and watches the older teen select a song. Real Chuuya is leaning against a wall and has the perfect view of Dazai's face. He always wondered what expression the teenager wore as he heard him sing for the first time. The first notes of the song start to play, and a few moments pass until Chuuya sings and Dazai's face is priceless. Wha- Why can he sing?! The executive is really glad to not only see Dazai's face (he looks so stunned, mouth gaping, unbandaged eye wide open and fixed on his younger self with awe) but also be able to hear what he thinks. This is so unfair!, and Dazai might be right, though Chuuya can't bring himself to feel guilty in the slightest. He knew the moment they made the bet that Dazai would lose, it was such a refreshing feeling to be the one to best the other. That the brunet was so mesmerized by it was a bonus.

"Maybe you're right," the government guy suddenly says, his voice hushed, so his younger self couldn't hear them, "and you're really no siren but I think Chuuya is." The executive snorted at that. He hated to admit it because he despises the bureaucrat but the remark he made was kinda funny.

"And you're completely under his spell," Oda added teasingly and Chuuya loved the man because Dazai was getting all red-eared from the comment which made him look so cute. But I wanted to woo Chuuya! Oh god, anytime real Chuuya thinks the brunet couldn't get more adorable, the other must prove him wrong. Did the younger teen invite him to impress him? That's so endearing, Chuuya can't get enough of it. "You should compliment the kid as soon as the song ends," and the older redhead is just so fucking smart.

"Whatever," Dazai sulks, still upset that he didn't get to impress the older teen. The two men started to talk with lowered voices while Dazai busy was hyper-focusing on Chuuya's performance and it paid off. Real Chuuya was standing in a scarring accurate memory after all. His younger version finished the song and grinned at the brunet. The two older men roared and applauded him. Oda slapped his hand on Dazai's back, clearly to prompt him to say something, and Dazai did. "You sing good," he admits and since it's Dazai he just has to add, "for a dog." His younger self just laughs.

"Ha, you're just bitter 'cause you have to pay for my drinks!"

"Oh no," he claps his hand against his cheek, voice annoyingly sarcastic, "I'm going to be broke from paying for the two drinks you need to get wasted."

"You asshole!"


_____

Okay, maybe he invited Chuuya intending to woo him with his singing voice. He could sing decently enough for it to be impressive so it was a good idea in his mind. Until it wasn't. How was he supposed to know that the tiny redhead had such a powerful singing voice? Dazai's own voice was nothing against it, honesty Chibi could be the lead vocalist in a band. It sucked that his younger self couldn't impress the tiny slug because he was far too occupied by being absolutely mesmerized by the older teen. He also had to pay for all the drinks Chuuya drank that night. Luckily, the tiny future executive didn't need many drinks to get wasted. What bothered his younger self was that Oda (it was so fucking good to see him, it also hurt a lot), Ango and Chuuya started to exchange stories and Dazai was the idiot in every single one of them. He consoled himself with the fact that they seemed to get along. Right now, real Dazai was sitting in Ango's car like their younger selves. The older male insisted on driving them home so they got into the backseat of the car where Chuuya immediately slung his arms around him in a drunken slumber which amused the older males to the misery of his younger self.

"So, where to?" Ango asked while Oda pulled out his phone ready to type an address into Google Maps to navigate them through the city.

"Ah, you can just let me out at-" his younger self didn't get to finish his destination because Chibi rudely interrupted him.

"Nooooo," he whined, tightening his grip as if he were afraid that the younger teen would leave the car any second. "You don't sleep in that stupid place."

"Excuse you? My place is not stupid," his younger self defended. Sure, it's a container and it lacks the nice warmth Chuuya's apartment has, but he can sleep there just fine. "If it were a person, it would be smarter than you -okay, that isn't hard- but my point still stands!" Chuuya tightens his grip, and his younger self felt the air leave his lungs.

"It's a fuckin' container. You're not sleeping there, you idiot," the tipsy and sleepy Chuuya mumbled against Dazai's chest.

"It's my home, where else should I sleep?" The tiny slug ignored him as he lifted his face from Dazai's chest to look at Ango.

"'You know where the mafia has apartments?" He asked, and Ango nodded. "Great, drive us there."

"No!" His younger self complained. "You drive me home first." Ango and Oda share a look, and then Oda types something into his phone. He reads the address out loud to check it with Chuuya and his younger self felt betrayed by his friends at the moment. "I hate it here," the younger teen states as Chibi lets his head fall against Dazai's chest once more and Ango smiles at him all innocent, while Oda is suggestively wiggling his eyebrows before they drive off into the night.

_____

Chuuya is standing in his old bedroom, looking at the two teenagers that were resting on the bed. Dazai was awake, playing some game on his phone, and Chuuya's younger self was still asleep and also still clinging to Dazai. The brunet could move away but that would certainly wake the older teen and Dazai wouldn't risk that (he also didn't mind the closure at all). The executive sits on the spinning chair by the desk, turning it so he could watch their younger selves, like a creep. What else was he supposed to do while being stuck in Dazai's memories? He didn't have to look at them for long though because his younger self started to wake up. Slowly lifting his head, eyes adjusting to the light that flooded the room and then his brain booted up causing him to let go of Dazai as if he had burned himself.

"What are you doing here?" He questions, looking at the younger teen, who chuckles as he places his phone on the nightstand.

"You don't remember?" He sounded way too smug for this early hour, at least that was what his younger self thought. It was already past 11 am. "Are you a sleep talker?"

"Huh?" The older teen looks confused at his partner, eyebrows pulled together and head slightly tilted. Just like a dog, and fuck that asshole. Honestly, the idiot did this stupid side tilt far more often than Chuuya does, so if anyone is 'like a dog' it's Dazai. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, you kind of forbid me to go home and insisted on taking me to your apartment and Oda and Ango just went with it," the brunet let him know, clearly still upset about the way his friends listened to his younger self instead of him. "You all conspired against me," he whines, as he places his hand over his chest, dramatically clutching the fabric of his shirt at the utter betrayal.

"Since when do you listen to me?" The older teen questions, and it's a good question. As if I could say 'no' when Chuuya wants me to spend the night at his place, was the immediate thought Dazai had. The executive knew what Dazai would say before he opened his mouth. It was obvious what excuse the brunet would use.

"You threaten me," he lies, dramatically laying his hand over his forehand like a fainting woman from a silent movie. "I am no match against a brutal dog." That comment earns him a punch. "Domestic violence!" He cries out and his younger self rolls his eyes, deciding to ignore the comment for his own inner peace.

"Stop the bullshit and spit the truth," he demands and Dazai sighs, dropping his act as he stands up, knowing that Chuuya is too impatient for the artistic pause he makes.

"It's the truth." He lifted his arms to stretch his back and judging by the cracking and weird little noise he just made, it must've been hella satisfying. "You stopped me from going to my container since you were holding me hostage in a death grip." It's adorable how the younger teen tries to hide how happy the 'death grip' made him. Seriously, he had never expected the other to be so happy by something as simple as a hug when they were younger. He will later pinpoint Dazai's reactions to hugs as touch-starved behavior. His younger self isn't probably wrong with that one, he just never considered that someone like the demon prodigy could develop a crush, especially not on him of all people.

"Mhm, that does sound familiar," his younger self admits sheepishly, turning his head away from Dazai. "So, you staying for breakfast?" Dazai covers his mouth with his hand as soon as he starts to laugh. It's so sad that the teen seemed to be appealed by the beautiful sound that he creates. Chuuya will never understand why he hides such a mesmerizing sight.

"More like early lunch," he corrects, pointing at the clock that hangs on the wall. "But yeah, sounds good."

_____

"Where were we exactly?" Dazai asks, eating crab chips while his younger self loads their last save point. Aloy stands in meridian in the palest.

"Eh, good question," the older teen says and opens the menu to look at the main quest in the hopes to find a clue. "Ah! We did beat that asshole who kidnapped Ersa," he remembers, "and I think the sun king wants to talk to us because we saved his life." He closes the menu and pushes the joystick in a direction to make Aloy move to where the sun king is resting. Real Chuuya sits between them on the couch so he can see manage to see the expressions of their younger selves.

"Then talk to him, Chibi," the brunet commands between munching down the chips. His younger self rolls his eyes but does talk to the sun king anyway.

»To say you have my gratitude feels woefully insufficient. You saved my life, you saved Meridian and because of you, there will be justice for Ersa's murder. We can mourn her knowing the truth, without painful uncertainty. It's hard to imagine where we'd be without you,« and while Avad, the sun king, praises Aloy, his younger self turns to Dazai with a smug expression.

"See how easy it is to acknowledge the work I do?" He teases, even though he knows that he wouldn't be in front of the sun king if Dazai didn't do all the boring riddles and annoying quests.

"You only accomplished this because I help you get through the 'boring' parts," Dazai made air quotes, upset that he had to put his chips down for it to have the desired effect. Before Chuuya could say anything, Aloy spoke up.

»Avad, stop, there's something urgent we have to-« and the redhead girl gets interrupted.

»I know, but please just listen for a moment. I want you to stay in Meridian,« at that, his younger self and Dazai exchange a look, both thinking that it's not a good sign that the male wanted Aloy to stay.

»What?« The redhead on screen asked, confused and just as much on the edge as their younger selves were. Dazai didn't reach for his chips again as he stared at the TV. »Why?«

»Well, to start with, you kept the city from going up in flames, you're strong, shrewd -uh- capable,« the sun king starts and he suddenly seems so nervous and the younger teen doesn't like the direction where this conversation is headed. »I could use someone like you at my side.« The three different options that appear on the screen are marking this situation as another flash point in the game.

"Is he seriously flirting?" His younger self asked disgusted, "didn't his warrior girlfriend just die? They were together, right?"

"Mhm, they did fuck," he agrees, his gaze focused on the screen as he reads the different options they have: Like you 'used' Ersa (fist), I'm not a substitute (brain) and I need to go my own way (heart).

"She's like not even an hour dead! Who does he think he is?!" His younger self spits out, the joystick already hovering over the first option.

"Wait," Dazai says, "it's a short circuit reaction, so we shouldn't be too hard on him."

"He flirted with us inappropriately and you think we should be chill about it?" The redhead questioned, confused by Dazai's statement. "You like him, or what?" He scoffs and Dazai tuns towards Chuuya, vaguely pointing one hand in the direction of the screen.

"Look," he starts sounding defensive, "He has money, is handsome, rules the city, and has always listened to what we had to say, well, except for now but he has been kind to us and just lost someone important." There was a lot to unpack there because didn't the first attributes Dazai listed also kinda fitted Mori? Real Chuuya shook his head, he was not driving down that terrible road while being stuck in Dazai's memories. He will ask the detective what the fuck Mori did to him, then there was no denying that something was going on behind Chuuya's back and he desperately hoped it wasn't what his mind concluded. His younger self focused on one specific -and also very important- aspect and ignored everything else.

"You think he's handsome?" Chuuya lowered the controller, looking at Dazai, who nodded and his younger self just asked away: "Are you into dudes?" The question isn't judging or anything, it's out of pure curiosity and the fact that his younger self couldn't quite imagine Dazai being into dudes. The brunet also seemed indifferent to the question, at least on the outside. His mind was running wild, with all thoughts varying from Ahhhhhhhhhhh to Is this a good moment to tell him that I like him? to I have to play it cool. And Dazai decided that he should try to seem nonchalant about it. So the younger teen shrugged without a care in the world.

"It all feels the same when you close your eyes," he said, and immediately regretted it because it sounded way better in his head. Why did I say that? Ahhhh, that was stupid, you idiot! What is he going to think of— His train of thought gets interrupted by Chuuya's younger self.

"That sounds like you don't like it either way..." the older teen mumbled and real Chuuya realized that his comment, didn't only stop Dazai's train of thought, no, it did derail it causing Dazai's mind to turn into a train wreck, and the brunet was desperately trying to save the survivors by coming up with a witty thing to say that would show Chuuya that he totally would kiss a dude and would be fucking happy if that dude turns out to be the cute redhead sitting next to him. "Anyway," his younger self spoke up to get rid of the kinda awkward silence that hung between them while the brunet was trying to recover, "what would you select if not 'fist'?" No, no don't change the topic! Is the panic-filled thought Chuuya gets to hear? I couldn't even ask if you— I fucked up and now the moment is gone... It really shouldn't be that surprising to Chuuya that Dazai overthinks this, but the executive just never thought the younger teen would ever overthink something else besides a mission. Pull yourself together, the teen thought and focused on the screen.

"'Brain' of course," he answers, "we're going to let him down gently while also making it clear that we're never going to be his girlfriend."

"Mhm, you had that conversation a lot, hm?" Dazai looks at him with a risen eyebrow, not getting what the redhead was hinting at. So much for being a genius. "Turning a girl down gently," his younger self explains and then hastily added, "or boy!" Because he didn't want to be a jerk that ignored the talk they just had.

"I guess you could say that," the younger teen agrees, but somehow it didn't sound as bragging as Chuuya remembered. It sounded rather sad and the executive didn't like that one bit.

"God, you're such a womanizer." Dazai's mind is empty and quiet, at least Chuuya doesn't get to hear anything. Did that comment hurt the younger teen? The redhead couldn't tell and he hated it. "Or, well, more like -eh- what's gender-neutral?" he asked himself just to scream the first term he could think of: "Player! Yeah, that's what you are."

"Mhm, if you say so," and holy shit, why didn't his younger self realize that this whole conversation was running Dazai's mood?! The brunet seemed so sad, and his younger self is just so ignorant right now!

"By the way," his younger version voices, "did you do it with a guy?" It's almost hilarious how much Dazai beats himself up over not being able to ask Chuuya something because 'the moment is gone' but Chuuya himself just asks the shit he wants to know shamelessly and without any regard for Dazai's mood. God, he could be such a jerk. Okay, now answer honestly, playing it cool didn't work!

"No," Dazai admits.

"But you, like, wouldn't be opposed to it?" Real Chuuya honestly can't remember why he asked so many questions back then. Dazai was still sad, but he didn't appear to be offended by their talk. The brunet nodded in a silent answer. "So you're-" and now he got interrupted.

"Bisexual," Dazai said because I have to say it, not him, which was a fair point. "Got a problem with that?" Okay, maybe Dazai was annoyed by all the questions or, at the very least, afraid that his crush could have a problem with his sexuality, which was ridiculous (as if Chuuya could ever actually hate the younger teen) but out of Dazai's perception an understandable fear.

"Nope," he said, and then it was silent, apart from the background music from Horizon. It wasn't silent for the real Chuuya though, since he could finally hear Dazai's thoughts again. We talked about it. So...I can ask him too, right? It's amazing that Dazai is so afraid of overstepping whereas Chuuya's younger self just bombarded him with personal questions without a second thought.

"And you?" The future detective breaks the silence that surrounded them, and his younger self looks down at the controller in his hands. He seemed a bit lost.

"I never..." he begins, voice quiet as he shrugged his shoulders helplessly, "I always had other things on my mind than my sexuality."

"That's alright," his younger self was so surprised by the gentle voice that attempted to soothe him (and succeeded) while real Chuuya was so amused by Dazai's excited THAT'S NOT A 'NO' thought. "You gonna select 'brain' now?" His younger self doesn't answer but does what the other suggested.

»It might be worth taking a moment to examine what you just said,« Aloy starts her little speech but his younger self turns to Dazai instead of listening.

"Sorry, if I, like, pressured you into telling me with all the questions." Oh, so his younger self was aware of how annoying he has been. "But thanks for telling me," he speaks over the redhead on screen, and Dazai's unbandaged eye finds his with a look of surprise. "If I ever figure my sexuality out, you're gonna be the first I'll come out to!" Dazai blinked once, twice, and then a big smile stretched his lips so much it must've hurt. His younger self was so glad to see Dazai this happy. He will never tell him, though. He is going to figure it out with eighteen, but when he finally builds up the courage to tell Dazai (and confess his feelings), the younger one was gone.

»By the sun, you do indeed share much with Ersa including a withering eye for foolishness,« Avad sounded through the speakers and their younger versions looked at the screen to focus on the game.

_____

Real Dazai just watched the memory where he came out to Chuuya and it was so lame. Why couldn't he come out more cool? And to make it worse, the tiny redhead just reminded him -unintentionally- of the times he had sex with strangers to gain information. That just sucked. His younger self desperately hoped that Chuuya would be the one boy he sleeps with when the time arrived, but it never did. Whatever they had was over before it started and it was all Dazai's fault.


_____

They just finished a mission and were now walking through a forest until they'd reached a road to call a taxi. Real Chuuya was walking next to the teenagers, and both he and his younger self were eying Dazai. The younger teen was looking up and moving his face around. Chuuya smiled because he knew what the brunet was looking for, while his younger self grew more and more irritated until he couldn't stand it anymore.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asks, eyes narrowed as he continues to gaze at the other teen, who stopped to focus his attention on the leaves above them to sigh.

"I'm trying to see the stars," and now his younger self looks up and immediately realizes that there's no way to even catch a glance of the night sky through the dense canopy of leaves. "As soon as we leave this forest we're closer to the city and then I can't see as many -if any- stars at all."

"That bothers you?" That was a surprise for his younger self. Dazai and Stars? Seemed far-fetched (and absolutely adorable, god, Chuuya can't believe his luck to be able to witness Dazai stargazing once more).

"Of course it does," Dazai looks at him as if the older teen just said that he wanted to wear one of Ace's collars. "Don't you hate the starless nights the city provides?"

"Eh, well, I just fly up, you know?" Chuuya loves the night sky. He always did and on this specific night, he is going to learn that he loves the night sky far more when Dazai is right next to him pointing out all the constellations he sees.

"This is the first time I envy your ability," Dazai whispers and he looks so sad at that moment that his younger self decided to somehow make it happen so that the other teen could see the stars in all their glory. So, he lifted his foot off the ground a bit just to make it collide with the ground hard to catapult him into the air with his ability. He crushed through the branches and the stupid leaves that made Dazai look so gloomy. Real Chuuya smiles as he watches his younger self take off. He knew what his younger self was doing, Dazai on the other hand didn't know it at all. "That was so rude." And Chuuya laughs because, yeah, out of Dazai's point of view it was fucking mean to show off like that. He couldn't predict that he was flying into the sky to search the forest for a big and tall tree, capable of carrying both their weight on a branch above the tree tops and he did find it. His younger self crushes through the leaves next to Dazai, creating a small crater where he landed due to his ability. "You're such a show-off," the younger teen let him know with his arms crossed above his chest, and real Chuuya had to chuckle at the petty behavior.

"Come on, I'll just show off why I launched myself into the sky." He didn't leave any room for arguments because he grabbed Dazai's wrist and just headed in a direction, ignoring the comments and complaints the younger teen made. If the brunet hated it so much, he could've easily freed himself, since his grip wasn't very tight. They walked for a bit until they reached the tree Chuuya scouted while he flew above the trees. It's a gigantic tree. The trunk has a diameter of roughly eleven meters and the tree must be at least 30 meters tall because the height difference between this and the other trees is enormous. "We just climb up this tree and then you can see the stars," his younger self pointed to the tree, even though it wasn't really necessary with how Dazai's eyes were already glued to it.

"Unbelievable," Dazai says in awe, and then he suddenly runs towards the tree, which is quite shocking for his younger self because the brunet never runs without a reason, so seeing him break into full speed is ringing alarm bells causing Chuuya to run after him. "It's a Camphora officinarum," the younger teen explains while he's examining the tree with excitement, which is so amusing. "Those species can get so old and large. This one here has to be at least 600 years old, imagine what it witnessed..." The younger teen is starting to walk around the massive tree trunk, so his voice gets a bit muffled because both Chuuya's just keep standing in front of the tree, "...and their oil is used in the make-up industry. It's supposed to have an anti-aging effect, which is stupid. Like, who wants that? I'm gonna be dead before I get wrinkles anyway. Something is strange about this tree, though," Dazai wonders out loud as he is in Chuuya's sight again, slowly walking to stand next to the older teen once more.

"You mean apart from you being this happy to see a tree without planning to hang yourself on it?" His younger self provides. "Do you even want to see the stars anymore?"

"Of course I do! Chibi is so stupid," Dazai insults and avoids Chuuya's kick a second later. "You don't even realize how rare it is to see such an impressive tree."

"It's a tree, mackerel," the older teen says in a dry tone. Sure, it was a huge ass tree, but he just wanted to let the other see the night sky and not gape at a fucking plant.

"It's a Camphora officinarum," the brunet emphasizes, as if Chuuya was stupid for not being in awe of a dumb tree. "They are deemed to be very spiritual and are usually marked as sacred, so it's really rare to see one without any venerable decoration."

"Are you saying you're afraid there's an evil spirit?" And at that, Dazai laughs and it was so beautiful, that his younger self was really glad for finding this tree (real Chuuya was also very happy).

"Of course not," he answers the question after he calmed down. "It just seems so odd, like we're the first ones to find this tree..." His younger self uses his ability to jump onto the first branch that was just out of their reach.

"How about we be the first ones to climb this tree?" He asks, a playful smile on his face as he squatted down, stretching his hand down to Dazai in a prompting manner. The brunet looks at it and then smiles as he puts his hand into Chuuya's and the older teen pulls the other up. Dazai places his feet against the trunk to help Chuuya lift him off the ground. It doesn't take long until Dazai is standing next to his younger self on the tree branch (it's ridiculous how everything about this tree is fucking huge). The brunet lifts his head to look above them, just to see so many branches they'd have to climb. His face crumbles a bit because he just realized how often they'd have to repeat their little trick. "One down, fifty more to go," his younger self jokes and laughs when Dazai sends him a glare.

_____

"Is it really a good idea to climb a tree with someone who's suicidal?" His younger self asks the Chibi with a grin. He wasn't interested in dying by jumping down somewhere, though he must admit that it must be an amazing feeling to just fall to your death. Not in this life though, no, he will just continue to tease Chuuya to kill some time.

"You frown upon jumping into your death," the tiny mafioso remarks with a grunt as he pulls Dazai up the next tree branch. They've been at this for a while now and they must be close to the top of the tree because the branches are getting thinner. "So how about you talk less and climb more, hm?" His younger self does keep his mouth shut after that as Chuuya flies to the next branch to pull the younger teen up once more. They continue this until Chuuya doesn't move towards the next one to pull Dazai up but sits down. His younger self still stands close to the trunk of the tree as he looks at Chibi, who smiles and wordlessly pets the wood right next to him. His younger self felt so stupid because he kinda forgot why they were climbing this tree. He got a bit distracted by Chuuya's strength and the way the older teen pulled him close so he wouldn't fall to his death. Being so close to the redhead was amazing in itself that his younger version didn't think about stars anymore. Chuuya sitting on the branch so high up in the air, dangling his feet and waiting for Dazai to take a seat next to him with a beautiful smile on his face, was a far prettier sight than the stars. Seriously, why is Chibi so amazing? His younger self carefully slides down, one hand on the trunk and the other on the branch to stabilize himself. He didn't want to fall, not when he could sit next to Chuuya and his younger self finally did sit on the branch but a bit too far away from Chibi for his liking so he is putting his weight on his hands to move his torso in Chuuya's direction very slowly. The tiny redhead chuckles a bit and watched Dazai's careful movements with the amusement of someone who didn't have to worry about falling. "Told you, you could see the stars from up here," Chibi said and he was right, the view they had was amazing. Other branches and their greenery got in their way a bit but that was to be excepted and it didn't interfere with their view. Dazai could even make out the city in the distance. Being this high up, overlooking the forest, and being able to see the stars with Chuuya right by his side could be something right out of a rom-com, and Dazai loves everything about it.

_____

He doesn't remember what he said to make Dazai point at the night sky to explain every single constellation they could see from the tree branch, but he loves it. Seeing Dazai happily point at stars and info-dump him is the most endearing sight there is. Okay, maybe he is romanticizing this moment a bit -fine, you got him- a lot but who could blame him? Dazai speaking about space all bubbly and with such an intensity that it blinds Chuuya just like the sun does is an incredible sight, far more fascinating than the stars at the moment. At least if you ask real Chuuya then his younger version is drinking in the information Dazai shares with him like it's a fine wine.

"You see those dark spots?" He pointed at the moon, and Chuuya nodded, fixing the full moon with his gaze. "Those are solidified lava!" God, Chuuya's heart can't take the overly excited Dazai without melting. The demon prodigy can just act so utterly adorable, it's infuriating. Chuuya is convinced that if his younger self had looked at Dazai instead of the starry sky, he would have fallen so fucking hard for the idiot. His eyes seem so bright and his voice is so joyful and his whole behavior is just so endearing. Anybody would fall in love with him at first glance. His younger self will realize that at eighteen.

"Lava on the moon?" His younger self does turn to the brunet, but he isn't taking in Dazai's cuteness and is instead focusing on getting an answer to his question.

"Yes, you see," the brunet forms a fist with one hand, "the moon was once part of the earth, or rather something collided with the earth, like a grazing shot," Dazai explains while he moves his hands to fit his words. "And the moon then developed from the remains. When the crust formed, it was still volatile inside and when meteorites fell in, they released the lava. After a while, the moon was solid, so that only craters were formed and no more lava flowed. Isn't that amazing?"

"Yeah," his younger self says and turns to look at the moon again like a fucking idiot. As if the stupid moon is a more stunning sight than Dazai is. Damn, he's way too intense about all of this right now. He was glad that his younger version took interest in the astronomy facts the brunet shared with him. The future detective will explain the whole night sky to him and everything he deems interesting enough, and lucky that's a lot because stars are amazing. He taught Chuuya how to find Polaris and how to roughly navigate with the fixed star. God, he misses their walks through the night to look at the stars. This ability makes him feel happy and sad at the same time because it was so nice to be able to witness this time long gone, but it also hurt so much. As soon as he is out of this fucked up ability he will talk to the detective and they are going to sort their shit out and then everything will turn out fine and they go stargazing again.

_____

Chuuya sits on the couch table watching their younger version play Horizon once more. They are almost reaching the end of the game, well, there are still a lot of hours left to play, but they already learned about Project Zero Dawn and the truth behind 'enduring victory'. Earth was threatened by a swarm of intelligent war machines due to a technical malfunction. Ted Faro, the creator of the war machines, asks a great scientist for help, Elisabet Sobeck. Humanity doesn't stand a chance so her plan is Project Zero Dawn. It is a terraforming system, an artificial intelligence named Gaia, which is designed to use its subordinated functions to make the planet habitable again after the so-called 'Faro Plague' kills all life on Earth. To do this, Gaia uses sub-functions that create machines to restore the atmosphere after the war machine plague wiped out all life. At the moment, Chuuya's younger version was holding the controller, slowly moving Aloy through the facility of Zero Dawn, the holograms of the team leaders, the so-called Alphas, explaining their tasks. So Aloy and Sylens, someone who communicates with Aloy via her focus, find the explanation for the machines reigning the earth. They also learn about Eleuthia, a subordinated function of Gaia with the purpose to repopulate the earth with humans once the conditions are stable enough for humanity. God, Chuuya loves the lore of this game series and he can not wait to play the third part as soon as it is published. And he is going to play it with Dazai because everything between them will turn out okay. They'll talk about their unresolved feelings and then they hang out again. Like they used to and maybe also be a bit closer, if Dazai still feels the same. Maybe they even get together? Real Chuuya shakes his head to get rid of his useless thoughts. He shouldn't get lost in all these memories. Dazai left. Without a word. The love the brunet felt for him burned out just like Chuuya's car, and the executive has to deal with the debris that's left behind. Chuuya hears Elisabet and Ted arguing about Gaia in the background and he also hears Gaia showing emotional intelligence in the form of empathy as the artificial intelligence is grieving the inevitable extinction of life, but he can't focus on it. He has been too lost in all the memories, that he forgot how Dazai ended their partnership before it could turn into anything. Did...did Dazai know that Chuuya also had feelings for him and decided that he didn't want him after all? But that feels wrong. Dazai's feelings seemed so strong, so why the wordless goodbye? Oda died. Chuuya knew that that was the reason for leaving. But why did he leave without a word? It didn't make any sense...argh, he's missing something! There's gotta be something he doesn't know, something that will explain everything, and maybe this ability will show it. Yes, he can get the answers to all the questions he had through their memories...

It feels like betraying the fundamental trust they have in their partnership to use the ability to figure this out instead of talking to Dazai, but he's stuck in the memories anyway and there's nothing he can do about it. And Dazai is stuck in his memories too, learning everything Chuuya ever thought about him, which probably includes the poems he wrote...so they're even, right? Like, they are learning all about the embarrassing things they did while crushing hard on each other. The breach of privacy is not their fault, so it's okay. They are both stuck. They don't have a choice, so it's fine...

...right?


»The Alpha Registry Master File,« Aloy's voice rings through Chuuya's head and he turns around to face the TV screen. A cutscene has started to play. The red-haired girl is standing in front of a glowing red hologram of the Master File, that has a cylinder-like shape. She examines it.

»Intact?« Sylens asks immediately, and Chuuya turns his head to watch Dazai. He knows what is going to happen on the screen, he knows what the dialogue will be about, what he doesn't know is what Dazai thinks of it.

»Yeah...« She answers after a few seconds, »...no signs of corruption.«

»Then what are you waiting for? Copy the file!« The male commands her and Aloy starts the copy process.

»With this...« Aloy starts as she watches the file being copied, »I can restore the registry at the hatch inside All-Mother...open it...go inside.«

»And grasp the secrets within,« Sylens supplemented, always focused on the knowledge he can get from the information.

»Where I was born,« she sounds so hopeful as she continues Sylens' input, finally beginning able to access the secret of her birth. »Maybe...maybe who gave birth to me.«

»Who!?« Sylens mocks, »Are you really so naive? There'll be no 'Who' waiting for you there, Aloy.« Chuuya is watching Dazai, whose gaze has shifted to look at his younger self out of the corner of his eyes. Did he know that Aloy's a clone? Is the question swirling in the teen's head. Of course, the brunet already figured out the twist of the story. Probably since the first time that Elisabet was seen. »Whatever birthed you into the world was a WHAT, not a WHO.« Sylens without an ounce of regret for Aloy's feelings.

»You bastard!« The redhead on screen hisses, anger in her voice, but Chuuya isn't interested in her reaction at the moment. He was hyper-focused on it when he was younger, just so he didn't have to look at Dazai, while the scene played. Is that the reason why he wanted to play it with me? Well, yes and no. Albatross wanted it and Chuuya came to agree with their dead friend as he had the talk about Arahabaki in the old car with Dazai. He wants to talk about it. That's why he was so insistent on playing a one-player-game

»Oh no, I had a legitimate birth, it's you, Aloy who are the creation of a MACHINE...but what KIND of machine, and WHY? Why were you created?« Sylens rants on and Dazai opens his mouth, but gets interrupted by a loud noise, eyes moving towards the screen.

»Eclipse!« The enemy group is infiltrating the facility.

»You need to get out of there! What you found is too valuable. YOU'RE too valuable!« Sylens screams into her focus, but she can't escape the explosion. She's about to lose consciousness as the murder of Ross gets into her field of view.

»Still alive? Good...« he mocks. »I have a more suitable death in mind for YOU...child.« And he kicks Aloy in the face, causing her to pass out.

"Did he fucking put his foot on our face?!" Chuuya's younger self screams but the focus of the executive lies on Dazai. The younger teen looks at Chuuya. He's trying to avoid the subject, the brunet concludes, confused by it. Why? And then he starts to analyze the behavior, his eyes travel to the hands of his younger self, which are almost crushing the controller, knuckles white from all the force he puts into the grip. The brown eyes move up his body, taking in the overall tenseness of the muscles, to land on Chuuya's face. The blue eyes of his younger self are seemingly locked to the screen as he convulsively tries to not face the brunet. He doesn't want to acknowledge it just yet, are the thoughts that reach Chuuya, I guess we don't have to talk about it now, so the brunet decided to play along.

"The audacity," he agrees, dropping the topic that was in the air around them and watching as his younger version relaxes, tension leaving his muscles. The cutscene continues, but the eyes of real Chuuya are still glued to Dazai. It's funny because he knows that Dazai is comparing himself to Sylens all the time in his mind since they started playing the game. But he isn't like him at all. Dazai is so human in all his worries and he has so much empathy, otherwise, he would've just forced Chuuya's younger self into admitting that he knew about the twist of the game. He didn't do that, no, he put his agenda on a shelf, patiently waiting for the right time to talk about it.

_____

"You never tried it?" Chuuya's younger self asked the brunet, somewhat surprised. Their younger versions were currently walking beside each other through the night. They had just finished a mission, the black of their clothes hiding the blood of their targets.

"No, did you?"

"Yeah, with the flags," his younger version admits. "I'm surprised Albatross didn't ask you." He did, is Dazai's immediate thought, but he shakes his head, leaving real Chuuya confused. Why should Dazai lie about that? "Huh, weird."

"What's so weird about it?"

"Well, you two were so close and Albatross smoked from time to time, so I just thought he'd do what he always did: Taking a drag from his joint and pointing it in your direction as a silent offer..." Chuuya mumbles, "He really didn't do that?"

"Nope," Dazai pops out the 'p', "maybe he just knew I wouldn't be interested in it."

"You're not?" the future executive stops his movements, causing the younger teen to stop too, head turned in his direction, an eyebrow risen.

"What's so shocking?"

"You..." real Chuuya chuckles as his younger self tries to come up with a way to put 'you just look like a drug addict' into softer words. "You carry a guide to suicide with you, and I know there is shit about mushrooms and stuff in it."

"Is that why you asked if I'd want to get stoned with you?" Dazai asks with amusement in his eyes and a smile on his face as he tries to suppress a laugh.

"Well, yeah?" His younger self starts to move again, and Dazai does the same. They're silent for a while, just walking beside each other, slowly making their way to Chuuya's apartment.

"I don't like dragging on cigarettes and stuff," the brunet quietly admitted, while shrugging his shoulders. "I tried it once, I just don't like the feeling...Odasaku was also very pissed at me for trying to attempt to smoke one of his cigarettes."

"So you don't smoke because of him?" Dazai just nods. He also told me weed is not good for my mental state. Huh. Well, Dazai did have a breakdown when they had their little weed session...but why did Dazai agree to it then? "And what if you don't have to actively smoke?" The brunet can't suppress his laughter this time and shakes his head. "Don't laugh, idiot!"

"It's just so funny how you try to get me to smoke," he explains, laughter still present in his voice. "Does none of your friends want to share a joint with you?" He mocks and dodges the little kick to his leg.

"They do!" His younger self screams, "I just thought your stupid brain could use a fucking break." And that's only half the truth. Look, Chuuya is not proud of it, but his motive behind persuading Dazai into smoking pot was simply one of childish revenge. The redhead had suspected that the brunet had a lot of embarrassing photos of his drunk self, which turned out to be true: The former mafioso probably still has the stupid picture where his drunk self hugs a plant. And since Dazai's tolerance for alcohol was so high, his younger self thought that weed might loosen the brunet up enough to do embarrassing shit. It worked somewhat. At first, he giggled a lot and it was so cute seeing Dazai all happy and babbling nonsense, but his mood made a 180, causing him to cry and Chuuya felt so fucking guilty for it. "Just try it once, alright? If you don't like to actively smoke, then we could shotgun, you know?"

An imagined scenario flashed in front of Dazai's eyes: Their younger selves so close to each other, smoke flowing between their open mouths, their lips inches apart from touching, and What if high-me does something stupid like kissing Chuuya? Dazai shakes his head to get rid of his thoughts and real Chuuya snickers.

"Gross," he interrupts Chuuya, who makes a 'tsk' sound, "I don't wanna shotgun with Chibi."

"We could hot-box in my car," he requests, ignoring Dazai's comment, because his younger self wanted to get embarrassing pictures of Dazai. "Ah, but it's new..." he grumbled, and then he had an idea. He excitingly grips Dazai's arm: "I can bake you brownies!" And Dazai's thoughts come to a full stop, just to double their speed a second later, happy thoughts about the cake Chuuya made for him and the fact that Chuuya wants to spend time with him so much, that he bakes. How am I supposed to say no to that?

"Fine, if you want to get high with me so badly," Dazai surrenders with a sigh, trying to make it look like he is doing the older teen a huge favor. Dazai is so happy behind all of his indifferent behavior. Sorry, Odasaku, young Dazai thinks, but how bad can it be? Real Chuuya can answer that for him: real bad. "But only if you bake brownies!"

"Deal!" Chuuya's younger self agrees immediately. The only reason why the older teen was so excited was the thought of being able to witness a high Dazai and the possibility of embarrassing pictures and videos. Real Chuuya finds that fucking hilarious because he took exactly one picture that evening and the only embarrassing part about it is, that it's his favorite, carefully hidden away so Dazai will never find it.

It's still in a folder on his laptop to this day.

_____

Dazai's sitting on the floor, half facing their younger selves and half facing the TV screen. He wonders how much time passed already outside this ability because he saw almost two years of memories now. Did the others realize that something went wrong? What did the old man do to them? Were they captured? He won't know that until he's out of the ability.

He hates not knowing stuff.

He sighs as his gaze moves to his younger self, who's controlling Aloy's movements for once. Chuuya usually played most of the time, not that Dazai has anything against it. The older teen is amazing at the game, and real Chuuya probably knows that by now. Ugh. He hates this ability. Maybe, if he's lucky enough, the captor will kill him, before Chibi can talk to him about this experience. He was always alright with Chuuya not knowing anything about his feelings, having him close when they were younger was good enough, and now, well, seeing Chuuya from a distance was enough.

...

When did he start lying to himself like that? And since when were his lies this shitty?

It almost killed him when he left the mafia and he's not talking about his inability to take care of himself, no, he missed the older teen so fucking much it hurt. Heartbreak is a painful way to die. Your soul crumbles, and yet your body keeps you alive. It's stupid and the worst thing is that he did it to himself. He left Chuuya and all they could've been behind. Because he was scared. And now Chuuya is going to learn all about his stupid unrequited feelings and his crippling fear and he will do what he always does: worry. So, he should come up with a good lie before Chuuya forces a talk on him. Or he could just drown in a river? Yeah, that's a good solution too.

He turns his head to face the TV screen, right in time to see Aloy walk into the cradle facility that lies within the mountain, finally revealing the secret of her birth. Not that it was much of a secret, the game hinted at it pretty hard early on. At least Dazai felt like it did, but it's still satisfying to witness Aloy putting the puzzle pieces together and it was a big puzzle. After she obtained the Alpha registry, she was captured and tossed into an arena to die in a fight against a machine. Dazai remembered that he had to play that scene at first because Aloy didn't have her weapons so she couldn't kill the machine, which was 'boring' in Chuuya's eyes. So Dazai used the charged attacks of the machine to regain Aloy's weapons, handing the controller over to Chuuya immediately, who happily slaughtered the machine. A smile appears on the detective's face, even while playing a one-player game, they're a good team. After Chuuya had destroyed the machine, new ones were already attacking and before he could do anything, Sylens bomb his way into the arena, saving Aloy and meeting her for the first time from face to face. He always felt like he was the Sylens in Chuuya's life, always 'needlessly cruel' and yes, Sylens somewhat apologized for the harsh words he said when Aloy copied the Alpha registry, but it didn't erase all his misdeeds. Just like nothing Dazai'll do can bring back Chuuya's memories. His eyes wander to Chuuya's wrist, catching sight of the small blackened scar at the base of his right wrist. Is he aware of how he got it? Did Mori tell him?

Dazai hates that can't answer those questions. He should tell Chuuya before he ends his life. Maybe reveal it in a suicide note. Yeah. That's a good idea.

He lets his gaze glaze at the TV again. Aloy is inside the facility and a hologram of Gaia explains how there was a signal from an unidentified sender, that activated Hades, the self-destruction subordinated function that's needed in case Gaia needed to restart her terraforming project. Gaia initiated her death to save the earth from Hades and she cloned Dr. Elisabet Sobeck, her creator, to ensure that the terraforming system could be re-activated. But Hades corrupted the system with a virus and so all the subordinated functions fled their destruction, which also led to major malfunctions. After Gaia info-dumped on Aloy that she is the clone of Elisabet, the artificial intelligence explained her plan to destroy Hades and save the earth. It was a huge cutscene and Dazai was looking at the screen for the first time because back when they played the game his eyes were glued to Chuuya's reaction to the reveal. And his body was tense, his gaze fixated on the screen, clearly avoiding eye contact, just like the first time a cutscene hinted at Aloy being a clone.

»So...« Sylens starts, »you're even more extraordinary than I thought.« Aloy is having a breakdown, which is understandable, her hands are shaking as she puts them on the table in front of her, stretching her arms out, gaze unfocused and directed at the ground.

»I never had a mother.«

»What are you talking about? You had TWO, a dead woman and a machine,« Sylens doesn't give her a break, and Dazai asks himself if he ever let Chuuya catch a break between all the shenanigans and their teasing and their mafia life.

»I'm not a person. I'm an instrument...« she mutters and as she does Chuuya's body is shivering a bit, the controller in his hand shakes slightly, »...manufactured by a machine....« she continues, »...born in destruction...and fire.« She is so overwhelmed with all of this, feeling like her whole identity is a scam.

»To quench the flames and heal the world,« Sylens adds, and then his tone gets nasty, »how tragic to learn you're a person of towering importance. It seems you have a destiny to fulfill,« he reminds her, needlessly cruel, showing that his half-hearted earlier remorse meant nothing. He's such a huge piece of shit, and Dazai can so relate to that. He's like Sylens. »So when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, go to the Bitter Climb. I'll be waiting above in Gaia Prime's ruins.« And with that the cutscene ends, but Chuuya doesn't move the redhead on screen, he just waits. A few seconds pass.

"Did you know?" Dazai's younger self breaks the silence. He knows that the other will understand what he means by it. He's asking if he knew the twist of the game before they started it. He sees the way Chuuya's muscles tighten up some more, before his body slumps against the couch, the controller slipping out of his hands, creating a dull sound as it lands on the cushion of the couch.

"Yeah," he answers, after a while. His gaze still not meeting Dazai's. "I didn't expect it to hit this hard though," his voice is quiet as if he didn't want Dazai to hear his admission. He also maybe wanted to hide how his voice quivered.

"Do you...," his younger self carefully starts, feeling like walking on eggshells, "wanna talk about it?"

"Albatross gifted it to me with fifteen," the older teen avoided his question, "like a few days after the party," there's only one party he'd refer to as the party and Dazai sees them dancing on the car again in his mind and his younger self lets Chuuya talk without interrupting him. "I was confused because I don't play one-player games, but then Albatross started to explain to me why he wanted to play the game with me. I was intrigued. A red-haired protagonist who struggles with her identity and wants to know her origin? I had to play that, but then Albatross told me, that you should play it with us and I didn't like the idea and I didn't for a long, long time until we were hiding out the storm in the car and you- you just-" Chuuya struggles to put it in words, so he turns to face the brunet instead, a teary gleam in his eyes as he whispers, "you know?"

"Yeah, I know," his younger self reassures with a knowing smile. Their bond and Chuuya's trust grew stronger that day.

"Albatross knew it, right?"

"Huh?"

"He knew how you'd react, didn't he?" Chuuya questions the water in his eyes almost flowing over the rims of his eyes now. Dazai helplessly looks at Chuuya.

"Maybe," the brunet answers to at least say something, while shrugging his shoulders, not knowing how to make the older teen feel better again.

"I should've just played it with both of you back then," his voice gets teary, and Dazai panics. He's so fucking bad at trying to cheer someone up. "It's my fault that we can't do that anymore, if it wasn't for me they-" he stops, unable to say it.

"It is not your fault." That's a fact, there's no need for survivor's guilt. Verlaine killed his friends. His friends decided to fight for him. "I warned them, you know?" And that got Chuuya's attention. "I texted Albatross to leave the bar, to flee the situation. He texted back that they've got it covered and that I should just focus on saving you." Chuuya a single tear falls from the rim of Chuuya's eye, silently making its way over his cheek. "It's not your fault. Verlaine attacked them and they chose to fight for you." The only sound is Chuuya's sniffing and heavy breathing. It takes a few moments until all the pieces of information sink in. And then Chuuya breaks.

"It is my fault," he screams, tears falling from his face as he jumps to his feet in a hectic movement. He's facing Dazai's younger self, who couldn't suppress the way his body flinched upon hearing Chuuya being so loud and hysterical. It hurt so much to see the older teen so lost and full of pain. "Don't fucking lie to me! If it wasn't for my existence, they'd still be alive, so don't you fucking dare to pretend it isn't my fault!" Dazai is still sitting on the couch so he has to look up a bit, to meet the other's eyes.

"It's not your fault," he states again as calm as he can manage, because staying calm is the only thing helping when you face a furious and at the moment emotionally unstable person.

"It fucking is!" Chuuya yells again and shuts his eyes, causing more tears to stream down his face. "I'm just a stupid code of stupid numbers for all we know!" his words get interrupted by terrible sobs, which makes it even more painful to watch because Dazai never knew how to calm down anyone. He's usually the one who riles them up after all. So he doesn't know how to react. Don't people hug when they're sad? But Chuuya seems too angry for that, and there's nothing else Dazai's younger self can think of. "I'm nothing more than a stupid instrument, just like Aloy!" His right arm points at the TV screen, right at Aloy, and the detective can't help but notice the irony of it. He's pointing at Aloy with the arm that has proof of his humanity on the base of the wrist. "The facility that created me wanted me as a weapon, the sheep used me as a weapon, and now the Boss of the fucking Mafia uses me as a weapon!" He spits out, voice breaking. "That's all I ever am and because of that I cause so much destruction and death, so don't you fucking dare to say it's not my fault. Seriously, say it one more fucking time and you will regret it," he threatens and it's so impressive how Chuuya can still be intimidating while in the mid of a breakdown with tears endlessly leaving his eyes and if anyone else would be sitting in front of Chuuya, they'd leave it at that. They might apologize and they might back down, giving Chuuya all the space he clearly needed right now. But Chuuya was sitting in front of Dazai's younger self. And the younger teen is not backing down, not when the topic is this important, not when the one person who's always so confident spills so much self-hating bullshit. Real Dazai watches as his younger self slowly stands up from the couch, turning around to face Chuuya and making use of those five centimeters he got on him to stare the older teen down. They're dangerously close to each other now, and his younger version seems perfectly calm and indifferent about it, but he was so fucking scared back then. Talking to Chuuya back then felt like he was poking a dragon with the horns of its dead child: a clear suicide attempt.

"You can threaten me all you want," he exclaims, not knowing where the hell he took all the strength from to keep his voice from quivering. "You can scream at me and kick me and punch me to death, but that won't change the fact that it's not your fault. And I repeat it as often as I want to because it's the fucking truth, so listen to me: It's not your fault." Dazai's younger self excepted anything back then as he mentally prepared himself for a punch, a kick, a scream, being tackled to the ground, or all of the above in that order. He wasn't preprepared to see more tears leaving Chuuya's eyes. The older teen sobbed and then he let his head collide with Dazai's chest, his whole body slumming against the taller teen as sobs shook his body and his tears created a fast-growing wet spot on Dazai's shirt. "Eh," was the response his genius mind came up with to comment on Chuuya's action. His younger self was so overwhelmed. That's probably one of those situations where you hug, and so Dazai gently moved his arms around Chuuya's body. One hand is being buried in wavy red hair, carefully massaging the sculpt while the other hand is soothingly rubbing circles over his back, because that's what people do, right? "It's not your fault," he says again, and feels Chuuya's arms around his torso, locking him into place with a tight grip as he tries to regulate his breathing once more. They just stand there and Dazai doesn't know how long they hugged like that and he can't remember how often he whispered assuring little it's-not-your-fault's into Chuuya's hair until the older teen moves away. He immediately turns his face away from Dazai and stares at Aloy, who's still standing in the cradle facility. Dazai follows his gaze. "I don't see an instrument," Chuuya's eyes briefly dart to Dazai's face and realize that his gaze is on the redhead on screen. "I see a strong-minded, insanely stubborn redhead who's more humane than any other person in this world." It's easy to project what he wants to say to Chuuya on Aloy and he thought that Chuuya would get it.

"Yeah, Aloy's great. I was a bit mean to her, wasn't I?" Chuuya agrees with an awkward laugh, his voice so rough from screaming and crying. Dazai's younger self wasn't sure if the older teen knew that he wasn't talking about Aloy. The brunet closed his eyes for a second, preparing himself so he can be brave and make sure that the older teen knew he was talking about him.

"The redhead on screen is badass too, yeah," the brunet turns his head to Chuuya a soft smile on his face, even though he's so nervous on the inside, "but I was talking about the stubborn redhead right next to me." It took him so much to say that, but it was so worth it because Chuuya deserved to hear it with his puffy red eyes, his tear streaks, and his flushed face. He opened his mouth, just to close it right away, as if the slug turned into the mackerel and Dazai's younger self chuckled a bit, "didn't except that either, hm?"

"Are you serious?" And the question is so carefully spoken, as if Chuuya was afraid to shatter the atmosphere around them with unfortunate emphasis. His puffy blue eyes try to search for an answer in brown ones.

"I'd never lie to you about this," a fact at this point, one he had proven already and he will never stop backing up his words with actions. "You're not a weapon in my eyes. Sure, your gravity tricks come in handy, but I couldn't care less about that. With or without your ability: you're human, and one day I'll find the evidence to prove it to you." The eyes of the detective fall onto the small scar on Chuuya's wrist again. He can not die without making sure that Chuuya knows his origin. The dark scar is proof of his humanity because the clones don't have that scar. And the way the older teen has gotten that scar is just so Chuuya it's almost unbelievable. Dazai was researching it as soon as he became an executive, but he only figured it out after leaving the mafia. Chuuya got into a fight in elementary school and defeated a former student that was four years older than him because of course he did. The reason for it was also so Chuuya-like: The older boy insulted his parents. It's funny that he always had anger issues, but it's also adorable, at least in Dazai's eyes. The fire in Chuuya's eyes is just so beautiful, he can't help but to tease him from time to time.

"You sound so sure about it," Chuuya laughs a bit and it's more out of nervousness than anything else and it sounds so hoarse.

"Of course," and now there's a glint in Dazai's eyes and he smirked, "there's no way a clone could be as annoying as you are," he half-teases and earns himself a weak punch in his side. "Ow!" He whines, clearly pretending to be hurt and he sees the small smile Chuuya tried to hide behind his annoyed eye roll.

"Asshole," he insults, but it is too softly spoken to be taken seriously.

"Mhm, apropos, Sylens was a huge asshole too, so how about we go to the Prime ruin and punch him?" He points at the controller Chuuya abandoned on the couch. "But we can also just save the game and watch your stupid rom-coms if you'd prefer that." It's his way of asking if the older teen feels alright enough to play, or if he needs a break to process what happened on screen.

"Ha, I don't need a break, you idiot!" the older teen barked, seeing right through Dazai's disguised message, and grabs the controller to move Aloy through the facility. Real Dazai chuckles a bit because the older teen will take a break soon. The reveal of Rost's backstory just broke him again, tears streaming down his face once more. Dazai loves it. Chuuya's not afraid to show emotion. The detective kinda wishes he also had the strength to be more open. Chuuya's voice rips him out of his thoughts. "I don't think that Sylens is an asshole," he says quietly, the eyes of their younger selves glued to the screen. His younger self tenses up, and back then he couldn't tell if Chuuya meant Sylens or if he was using him as a placeholder for Dazai. But now, that he was able to see Chuuya's face and the way his cheeks were a bit flushed, he had an answer to that question. It's good to know that Chuuya didn't see him as an asshole when they were younger. His point of view certainly changed after Dazai left the mafia. Dazai's younger self didn't comment on Chibi's statement, their somewhat awkward silence was interrupted by the next cutscene and the memory fades away.

_____

Author's notes

Dazai really said: You'll be obsessed with all my forest experties!
And Chuuya said: Absolutly not; but please keep being this adorable about it

Dear Evan Hansen with skk would be cool now that I think about it, but they would be extremly ooc *looks at this fanfiction* ha, nothing out of the ordinay for me I guess, so maybe I write a small treebros au some day lol

Also the "It all feels the same when you close your eyes" bit is inspired by the line "It all tastes the same, when you close your eyes" of the song "VROOM VROOM" by Mickey Darling. I love a lot of his songs and I think some really fit skk. If you want to check him out, be aware that he sings about sexual stuff and other themes like suicude for example. 

Chuuya and Aloy would be best buddies if they were to meet and here are some reasons why:

•They both struggle with their identity
•They're both powerhouses
•They are both kept from their origin
•They are both strong af
•They are also hella hot
•They both have redhair-
•They both jump into danger/are ready to fight

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.