7th February

I have a mother fucker to hunt down and murder. His name is Kane and he's trying to fuck a mother.

The mother I want.

He can't have her.

I sound like a caveman but he's not good enough for Gabrielle.

I don't know him, but he's not good enough for her.

No one's good enough for her. Especially not some fucker that plays Fortnite and sends her messages that consist of abbreviations only.

I might do something drastic to ensure she doesn't go over there tonight. Super drastic.

I wonder if I can do something that'll land me in hospital but not for a long period of time. Just a good six hours in the ER.

It's Thursday night, Lydia is at her grandmother's, spending some time with her before the three of us head off to California for the weekend tomorrow night. It's a good thing Dallas's birthday didn't fall on a game weekend.

Holly is over here, her and Gabrielle decided to have a casual drink and a chat while Matt is looking after the kids at home.

He wanted me to go over and see him but I'm being a nosy asshole and listening in on the progress of this Kane situation since I refuse to just come out and ask Gabrielle herself.

Holly and Gabs sit next to each other on the sofa, heads together while they look at Gabby's phone screen. I'm at the breakfast bar pretending to work on my laptop while I listen to their conversation. I'm at a new low.

"Just go," Holly suggests. "You don't have Lydia tonight. He's free. Just go and hook up. It'd be fun."

Gabby makes a hum of hesitation. "I'm not really feeling it. He's a little. . . ick."

Thank fuck.

"Who cares," Holly encourages and I'm glad she can't see me because I'm fuming. "Just go and hook up. The less conversation, the better. I'm living vicariously through you."

"You don't even have sex, what are you on about?"

"Yeah, but you do."

Gabrielle scoffs and it's so hard not to turn around and look at her. Any chance I get to drink in her features and I take it like I'm a man starved. "I used to. It's been a while."

"That's my point."

I'm about to throw that woman out of my house if she keeps telling Gabrielle to go and see this Kane bastard. The first person she sleeps with after Josh should not be someone who asks if she's available by sending a message that says Upto?

I send a quick text to Matt.

Call your wife and tell her to come home.

Why?

She's trying to get Gabrielle to go and see Kane.

Matt knows how I'm feeling about Gabrielle. It took him about two seconds to figure out when we went for lunch on Sunday. He's known me long enough to see the look I was giving her when she was talking about giving her number to someone else. I'm sure Holly would've figured it out too if she wasn't so wrapped up in playing matchmaker.

He texts back while I'm doing my best to rein in the urge to throw a fucking fit.

Just tell Gabrielle you're jealous and you don't want her to go.

I stare at my phone screen. Is he fucking serious?

That's the worst fucking advice another person has ever given someone. Besides, I'm not jealous. I'm just worried about her.

Yeah, sure, Nathan.

I drop my phone on the counter in front of me. He's no help.

"You could get a little drunk before you go?" Holly suggests, the words on my laptop screen turn into a blur while I see absolute red. "Just enough to chase off the nerves. I'll give you a ride there."

Gabrielle lightly laughs, the laugh that suggests she's uncomfortable with that idea. "I don't know. I used to do that back in high school and I don't think it's a habit I want to get into again."

Thank fuck.

"Yeah, but I don't mean like, drunk, drunk. Just a bit buzzed."

I get up and walk out of the room because I can't listen to this shit for another fucking second. I'm going to blow a fuse and tell Holly to get the hell out and then I'm going to force Gabrielle to spend the night locked in her bedroom and I'm not that sort of person. I'm not.

She's a grown woman. She can do what she wants, with whoever she wants.

I pace my bedroom for a little while and then I feel like I might be calm enough to go back out and at least retrieve my laptop. When I walk back into the living room, Gabrielle is standing, stretching her arms above her head, her tank top riding up.

Holly is still seated.

"Okay, I'll just go and shower and then we can go," Gabrielle barely spares me a look as I walk over to the kitchen. "Will you be fine to wait?"

Holly waves her off. "Yeah, of course."

As soon as I hear the bathroom door shut, I storm over to Holly and stand over her like a fucking unhinged asshole. She doesn't let me tower over her for more than a second before she's on her feet.

She's barely five feet tall but her confidence is enough to match me where I stand.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I snap, keeping my voice low just in case Gabrielle can hear me. "Convincing her to get drunk before she goes to a strangers house? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Her smile slithers into place, reaching the little dermal in her cheek. "Convincing you to do something about that obvious crush we can all see."

I step back. Shit. Should've known she'd be onto me. Even if she hadn't noticed at lunch, Matt would've told her. He tells her everything.

"I have no right to tell her she can't go and sleep with some asshole she doesn't know. You however, could be the voice of reason and convince her it's not safe."

She rolls her eyes. "Kane is harmless, he's not dangerous at all. A bit of a douche bag and a man whore. I guess you two have that in common."

Not sure what I'm supposed to say to that. It's not like my intentions with Gabrielle are much better. I want to sleep with her too. So much it consumes my waking thoughts. Can I blame the man for wanting her the second he laid eyes on her? Not really.

Matt's right. I'm jealous.

Not that I needed him to tell me that.

Holly must sense my defeat. "Just tell her you like her, Nathan. I think she likes you too."

My breath of laughter is humorless. "She does. That's the problem. She's worried she can't keep things casual and neither of us are looking for more right now."

She tilts her head, watching me. "You don't want more? You're living with this woman, helping her with her child, spending weekends together and losing your marbles over the thought of her being with someone else. You definitely want more."

I stare at the floor, reluctant to accept what she's said because I can't change our circumstances. "Things are complicated for her right now. We don't want to start something that ends with one of us getting hurt. She needs some time to be single after Josh."

Holly lets out a long breath and the sadness in her voice gets to me. "Then you can't stop her from being single and doing single things."

"I know."

I'm in my bedroom working when Gabrielle and Holly leave. I want to stop Gabrielle and claim it's just because I don't want her getting hurt. But that wouldn't be the whole truth. As hard as it is, I need to let her do shit like this. Find herself after her long term relationship.

If I ever got the chance to be with her, I wouldn't want to be the rebound. I'd want so much fucking more.

I'm stirred awake at an unknown hour. It's still pitch black in my bedroom and there's no noise apart from a thudding out in the hall. I tap my phone screen on the bedside table and glare at the bright screen which reads that its two in the morning.

There's another thud in the hall and then some quiet giggling. I'm guessing Gabrielle is back.

Flinging back the comforter, I palm my eyes and blink as I pad across the carpet and swing open the door to find Gabrielle on the floor.

She's in a long sleeved black dress with black tights on and a revealing neckline. The skirt of her dress is short and flowing around her thighs. She looks gorgeous, as drunk as she is.

The hall light is on and Holly is standing at the threshold between the hall and living room, holding the wall to keep herself up.

"Just depositing the lady," Holly's usually immaculate mint green hair is in a mess around her face. Both of them are ripped. "Luke's in the car outside. Matt asked him to pick us up. You got her?"

"Yeah," I sigh, waving her off. "Night."

I lean out of my bedroom and watch Holly until she walks out the front door, thankfully remembering to press the lock before she shuts it. Gabrielle rolls onto her back and stares up at me.

"Shirtless."

I nod. "Yep."

"I like it."

"Thanks," I crouch beside her. "You have fun tonight?"

Her lids can barely stay open. "I did. Holly and I went to Mo's and did shots and threw darts until we got thrown out. I punched someone in the face."

My brows shoot up. "How come?"

"Because he told me my mouth only had one use and it wasn't for talking about a woman's identity being diminished to non existent without a man being part of it."

Damn, wish I'd been there for that. "Sounds like he deserved it."

"He did," her drunken smile lifts. "Look."

She holds up her hand and I quickly grab it before she drops it again. Redness covers her knuckles. It'll bruise no doubt. I can't help it when I press a light kiss to the damage.

"You didn't go out with Kane tonight then?"

She rolls her head to the side and watches me through a narrow tired stare. "No, I didn't."

I shouldn't be as thrilled about that as I am. "How come?"

"That's just not me, I don't think. It used to be. But, I wasn't feeling it, so I didn't want to force myself to feel it."

I'm still holding her hand, crouched beside her head, being careful not to touch her brown waves which are pooling around her head.

"Besides," she whispers. "I'm really just into one person right now and I don't think I could pretend to be into someone else. Even if it was just for the night."

My breathing picks up. I wish she wouldn't tell me shit like that. Because it fucking burrows right into my heart and it wouldn't matter if there was no room in there before, she'd force her way into it and make room.

I'm starting to think it's been hers all this time.

"Come on," I mumble, standing and gripping her hand tighter, lifting her to her feet. "You need some sleep. We have a flight tomorrow. Doubt you want to be hungover for that."

"Nathan," Gabrielle's voice is soft, almost like a plead as I help her to her bedroom. "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

I swallow, almost afraid to ask, but I do. "Do what?"

"Pretend I don't want you."

She's drunk, I have to remember that. She's drunk and she's telling me things she wouldn't if she were sober. Her curtains are still open, so I lower her onto the bed and turn around to close them. When I turn back, Gabrielle is watching me, her eyes down turned with sadness.

"Should I move out?"

"No."

Her lip trembles. "But. . . but I want you so bad and it's making it so weird and I—"

I crouch down in front of her and hold her knees, looking up at her beautiful face. "You don't have to go. We're making it work. I mean, if you don't want to be around me, I can stay out later or, be home less. I don't know. But I don't want you and Lydia to be forced back to your mom's or into an expensive rental."

She stares at me, a single tear slips down her cheek. "You don't want me?"

I was hoping she hadn't noticed me omitting that I want her.

I'd avoided telling her I want her even more than she wants me because I'm doing my very fucking best not to make this harder for her.

Unfortunately, she tends to find rejection in almost any statement where it could potentially exist.

What the fuck do I say to someone so vulnerable?

"Gabrielle," my hands cover her knees, my thumbs caressing the thin fabric of her tights. "You couldn't even begin to understand how much I want you. Whenever I look at you I'm in a living hell. Everything about you feels like a specific version of torture designed just for me. I think about you, I dream about you, I fucking pine over you. I'm getting poetic and weird but fuck, I don't know how else to describe what I feel about you. Wanting isn't even the right word."

I refuse to acknowledge another word right now.

"You're driving me insane," I murmur, swiping at a tear on her soft cheek. "But I'm going to bury those feelings deep down because I refuse to be selfish with you. You deserve more than that. You deserve the time to heal from Josh without me making it harder."

She sniffs hard and wipes her cheek with the heel of her hand. "I healed from Josh a long time ago, Nathan. I stayed for Lydia. I tried for her. I'll always do what's best for her. No matter what it means for me."

She might as well have torn my heart in half with her bare hands.

She means that. She'd put aside her own happiness for that little girl. She'd stay in a miserable relationship where she was treated like shit just so her daughter could be with her dad. She'd avoid falling in love with me in case I break her heart and uproot her and Lydia's lives, again.

It makes me ask myself, do I want something more with her, or is it lust? Do I want to fuck her so much it's making me lose all sense of reason? I'm sure it's not just that, but I'm terrified of hurting her and I need to know what I feel before I go further.

Whatever I feel, nothing is happening tonight while she's so drunk.

"You should go to sleep," I sweep her hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear. "You have work tomorrow. You don't want to be cleaning that big house with a hangover."

She's barely responsive as she stands up in front of me and reaches behind her back to pull her zip down. I follow her lead, standing as well, the room dead quiet around us, nothing but the sound of her zipper sliding down her back.

"Night, Nathan."

That's my cue to leave and yet I'm glued to the spot, wishing like hell that things were different and I was the one taking care of her tonight.

I'd help her undress and get into that big t-shirt she wears to bed. I'd get her water and clean the mascara off her face. I'd snuggle in behind her and make sure she's safe during the night.

I go to step back from her and then I stop, every part of me tense, every part of me fighting an instinct that feels so natural and so new.

"Gabrielle."

She looks at me.

"Can I take care of you tonight?"

Her blinks speed up, her body swaying back a little, like the impact of my words were too much for her to hold. Her slender throat rolls on a swallow as she gives me a gentle nod and I step back into her, desperate for the chance to make her feel cared for.

Slowly, I peel the dress off her shoulders, down her arms, exposing a pale pink bra and and her torso, striped from her belly button down. I love these pale brown lines on her skin. So unique and inspiring. A woman's body performs miracles and the evidence is stunning.

Gabrielle watches me, her unfocused stare glistening as she stands still and lets me roll the dress right off her until it pools at her ankles. Next, my fingers dip into the band of her stockings, sheer black, stems of seduction.

I look at her in question and she nods, giving me permission to take one more item of clothing off her perfect figure.

Matching panties appear as I roll the tights down her thighs.

"Sit down," I guide her hips until she's sitting on the edge of the bed and then I crouch in front of her and finish slipping her stockings off her feet, not bothering to watch where I discard them.

I'm aching at the sight of her sitting in that gorgeous set of underwear but I focus and look around the bedroom for her t-shirt. It's not on the white dresser beside the door, it's not on the coat hook in the corner beside the closet, it's not on her side table. Eventually I spot it hanging off her white bed frame and snatch it up.

I slip it over her head and let her magic herself out of her bra. She slips it through the sleeve of her t-shirt.

In the bathroom, she sits on the stool beside the vanity. I like what she's done in here. There's a few plants on the windowsill, jars of cotton pads and bath bombs. I don't even have a bathtub but she likes how they look in a glass jar.

I should get a bath tub.

Gabrielle watches me get a cotton pad out of the jar, I open the cabinet and stare at all the products. She laughs at the fact that I can't find her make up remover and stands up, bumping my hip with hers to move me before she plucks a bottle of something off the shelf.

"I'm sure I can do this part," she slurs, more of a tired slur than a drunk one.

"No, I want to."

She looks at me in the mirror, a tired grin on her mouth and then slowly, she turns her body to face mine. We're practically chest to chest in the small bathroom.

"Go ahead," she hands me the bottle.

I clean her face for her, gentle and slow, savoring having her so close. I clutch her waist with one hand while I wipe her eyelids with the other.

She's beautiful before and after the make up. She's beautiful in all forms. In all moods. In all the ways a person can be beautiful, she is.

"I wanted to go to college," she whispers, which sounds loud in the echo of a quiet bathroom.

"Yeah?"

"I'm not blaming Lydia but it made it harder once I had her. I did want to do something with my life though. Something. . . for me, that was mine."

I throw the last cotton pad in the bin and lace our fingers together. "It's not too late, Gabrielle."

"Isn't it?" She drops her head and blows out a breath. "It seems. . .hard. Which is pathetic to admit."

I start leading her out of the bathroom so we can go to the kitchen and get water. "It will be hard. College with a kid is hard, Gabrielle. It's not impossible though. What did you want to do in college?"

She hoists herself up to sit on the bench while I fill up a glass and find some pain relief. What she probably needs is some hot food.

"I wanted to do literature. English studies. I wanted to maybe teach one day. I loved reading. I had a go at getting into book reviews on YouTube but that was hard with a baby clinging to me all the time."

Gabrielle's bare legs hang off the counter, her shoulder leaning on the support beam. I walk over to her with the water, aware of the crackling tension in the kitchen, growing with each step I take closer. Being near this woman has taken on a life form of unrelenting energy that I don't know how to navigate.

She takes the glass from me, her fingertips grazing mine.

"You want me to make you something to eat?"

She snorts. "Not if it's going to be something good for me."

My palms lean on the lip of the bench, caging her in, bringing us face to face. "Nothing I want to give you is good for you."

Her eyelids get heavier. "I doubt it wouldn't be good."

This woman, that mouth. "Good doesn't come close to describing what we'd end up feeling."

Her breathing is hard as she watches me. "What are we talking about again?"

"Eating."

Her tongue flicks out at her lip and I want to suck on it, but I don't. I shouldn't have taken this conversation here because I keep torturing both of us.

I push off the bench and slip my hands into my sweat pant pockets before I slip them elsewhere.

"You want me to order something? A burger?"

She gives me a soft smile. "Yes please."

I want to take care of her forever.