20th January

Momma keeps Lydia at her house for most of Sunday when I tell her what Nathan and I have planned. We've almost finished decorating her room. The last coat of paint has dried thanks to the three fans we put in there, we've hung lanterns from the ceiling and Nathan has strung up soft pink netting and a few plants. The LED bulb changes the room from one color to the next as can be chosen from the remote.

It's not finished but it's magical already. Her own little garden. I wish she liked reading so she could sit in the corner with pillows and the snow outside of her window. She's not all that into reading though, she prefers to be busy, doing things with her hands and problem solving. I like that about her, it's just so not me.

Nathan comes back from the living room with the goodies I got from target. It's not the high end bedroom décor I wish I could afford but it looks cute. I bought her a small bookshelf, not for books, but she has a lot of little candles and figurines and crafts that she's built. I got her some cushions for the floor and bed, a rug and some coloring books for her corner.

"You want me to put this shelf together?" Nathan asks from behind me. I'm hanging the fairy lights around the walls and I peer over my shoulder to find him staring at my ass.

Ever since he made me orgasm in the bath tub last night, the tension has been palpable. I can hardly focus while he's close to me, I can't think about much else but how earth shattering that orgasm was. We agreed that until the room was done, we needed to focus because otherwise, we would never finish it.

"Yes please," I answer, turning back to the lights.

I don't hear him move from behind me, so I look back to find him still standing there. "What?" I ask.

"Can I kiss you again?"

"Do we want to finish this room before dinner?"

"I want you to finish before dinner."

My core pulses and I press my thighs together. "We have to get this done."

"Fine," he sighs. "I'm just asking for a kiss though."

I scoff. "There's no way we're stopping at a kiss."

He gasps, dropping the boxed shelf on the floor with a thud. "Control yourself, Gabrielle."

I ignore him but wince at the fact that I truly feel like controlling myself around him is going to be impossible. Especially when I know what he can do with his hand. I'm desperate to know what else he's capable of.

                          At four in the afternoon, we're done. I'm leaning on the door frame inspecting the room. In the far corner is her bed. Our bunks come apart, so she got the single and I still have the double. Sheer pink netting frames the head of her bed, it's wrapped in fairy lights and pin on flowers.

Her drawers are at the end of her bed, she has one window on the left wall with pink curtains. In the other corner is her book shelf, floor cushions and all of her little trinkets, craft kits and coloring books.

Nathan comes up the hall, his hands in his sweat pockets. "Still staring at it?"

"It's just so cute," I say, looking up at him. "I'm really grateful you allowed us to do this. She's been through so much and I want to do whatever I can to make her comfortable and happy."

He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear, leans in and kisses me. My stomach drops in the best way. The sort of drop that feels euphoric and otherworldly.

Leaning back, he kisses the tip of my nose. "I want that for her too," he murmurs. "You both deserve to be happy, Gabrielle."

I don't know what we're doing, but I tip toe and kiss him again, my arms slide around his neck and his hands slip onto my waist, pulling our torsos together. Kissing him is so sensual, he sucks my tongue into his mouth, bites my lip, cradles my nape with his big, warm hands.

The front door opens and we break apart as soon as we hear Lydia calling out. Momma said she would bring her back before dinner, so I'm not surprised she's home and I'm not definitely not disappointed, but I do like kissing Nathan.

I wipe my mouth, he takes a deep breath and I close the bedroom door behind us.

Giving Nathan a shove as we pass his bedroom, I whisper, "go in there for a few minutes."

He raises a brow. "What?"

"So it doesn't seem like we were down here. . . together."

"We were down here together," he smirks, giving me a slow once over.

I give him another shove. "Just go. In there. Go. I don't momma to think—"

"That I made you come on my hand?"

Momma shouts from the living area. "Gabs?"

Lydia joins her. "Mommaaaaa."

Nathan grins, gives me a slap on the ass and walks into his bedroom. Shit, I hope I can hide how flustered I feel right now.

Out in the living room, momma is standing beside the door, her braids are under a beanie and Lydia is stripping off all of her winter layers in front of the fire.

"Hi, baby," I give her a hug before mom gets the chance to look at me properly. Breathe in and out, in and out.

I'm so wound up. It's not that I'm ashamed of Nathan and whatever this thing is between us, but I know momma would have her opinions and it'd confuse Lydia. She doesn't know her dad and I have broken up.

"Thanks for bringing her back," I tell momma, standing beside Lydia,  I smooth her hair down, it's sitting in curls, soft and sweet. Did you have a good sleepover, Lyd?"

"Yes, we had sushi and Grandma got me some new jammies and we made moon dough."

Momma smiles at her. I'm glad they had a good time together. Nathan comes in from the hall then, carrying a stack of wood in his arms. He gives me a quick look that I'm sure no one else noticed but I know he's teasing me.

"Oh hi, how's it going?" He nods at momma and smiles at Lydia. "How was your sleepover, kid?"

"I made moon dough," she steps back with me, so Nathan can top up the fire. "Moon dough is soft and fluffy. I liked it."

Nathan closes the fire door, stands up and ruffles her hair. "You'll have to teach me how to make it. We have a little surprise for you."

Lydia looks between us, her gaze wide and full of curiosity. "What is it?"

Nathan crosses the room, looking at me with question, asking me if I want to show her now. I'm sure momma will want to have a look as well. She was intrigued when I mentioned it over text.

I take Lydia's hand, warm from being inside her little blue gloves. Lydia loves wearing blue. But she claims it isn't her favorite color, it's just the color that suits her best. I'd argue yellow looks gorgeous on her olive skin tone but she's the boss.

Leading her down the hall, Nathan stands outside of her bedroom door and Momma trails behind me.

"Nathan and I were working on something special last night," I wiggle on the spot and she copies me, her excitement brimming.

Nathan opens the door, the curtains are closed, the fairy lights and the lamp is on, creating a luminous glow and Lydia gasps, pushing straight past us and going into the room. She does a slow circle, her smile touching the top of her cheeks as she takes it all in. Momma peeps from behind me.

"It looks beautiful," momma whispers, no one wants to break this moment Lydia is having. She's in a trance of absolute awe. I love her appreciation for beautiful things.

"Is this room for me?" She asks, her eyes are wider than I've seen them in a long time.

Nathan winks. "Sure is, kid. Your own little room."

"It's like a garden," she whispers and I'm so glad we executed our plan well enough that she was able to point that out. She jumps on the spot, shouting, "I love you, thank you Nathan and mommy, I love it so much."

Stupidly, I start to feel tears welling. After all that's happened in the last month and a bit, I'm grateful for a bit of joy in her life. Her happiness is mine and I know it can't make up for losing her dad, but it's something. It's hers. Her own beautiful room in a home where she's comfortable. It reminds me that even after a storm, the sun comes out.

                         Later that night, after we've had dinner and Lydia is in bed, I peep into her bedroom and look at her sleeping, an almost smile on her parted mouth. She looks so sweet and cozy in her new room, her lights glowing. I didn't think she would be able to sleep with them on, but she insisted.

Heading into my bedroom, which Nathan told me I was free to decorate as I please, I collapse on to the bed and look around. I like purple. Lilac to be specific. Perhaps I can paint a feature wall. Lilac and white. We'll see. I can't afford it this week after all the spending I did on Lydia's bedroom. 

I lay on my back and unlock my phone to see a text from Dallas.

Call me when you can. x

My heart picks up. She knows. She knows what I did with her brother who is currently in the shower and I've been thinking about what he looks like naked since he went in there.

No, she doesn't know. She couldn't. Nathan wouldn't have told her. Exhaling a deep breath, I put my feet on the wall, stare at the ceiling and hold the ringing phone to my ear.

"Hello," Dallas sings when she answers the phone. "That room looks so cute. That was the best use of that office."

I'd sent her and Drayton some photos of Lydia in her new bedroom earlier.

"It's super cute. I'm so grateful Nathan facilitated that."

"As he should. I miss mom and dad too but keeping so much of their belongings is insane," she says. "Anyway, how's work going? Lydia's school, all of that. Fill me in. We haven't talked in a while."

Twisting a piece of hair around my finger, I say, "There's not a lot going on, I suppose. I clean a few times a week, it covers the bills. Lydia is adjusting well at school, she's good like that though, adaptable to new situations."

Thank goodness for that or our sudden change in living might've impacted her more than it has. She has her moments where she acts up or tries to push boundaries, but for the most part, I have an amazing little girl.

"Is living with Nathan still going okay?" She asks and a lump forms in my throat. "Things seemed a bit weird between you two last time I was in town."

Guilt overwhelms me. I'm keeping a major secret from my best friend. I should tell her, she should at least know that something has happened and I'm not sure what it means for him and I, but it is what it is.

I'm going to tell her.

"Well, the thing—"

Nathan appears at my bedroom door then, sweat pants sitting low on his hips, his torso still damp from the shower and his hair in a wet mess. My words fall off as I stare at him and roll on to my stomach, drawing my lip in as I admire his firm chest, and stomach.

"Gabby?" Dallas says. "You there?"

"Mhmm," I watch Nathan close the door before coming over to the bed, his walk slow and predatory. "Yeah, it's going fine."

Nathan kneels on the bed, grips my thigh and turns me to face him.

Dallas says, "I know he can be a bit of dick sometimes, he always has to be right and he's stubborn but like, he cares, you know? He doesn't want you and Lydia to feel rushed out of the house. He told me you're welcome there as long as needed."

"Yeah," I mumble, watching Nathan who doesn't take his eyes off mine. His fingers dip into the band of my leggings and his brow raises, asking permission as he starts to pull them down.

"I have to go," I tell Dallas. I'm not sure if Nathan knows who I'm talking to, but I'm sure that would kill the mood for him if he knew his sister was on the other end of the line. 

"Oh," Dallas says. "I'm—"

"I'll call you back."

Hanging up the phone, I drop it on the bed just as Nathan finishes removing the leggings. He takes my leg and lifts it, kissing the inside of my knee, his mouth moving up my inner thigh.

Nathan's tongue flicks out at my skin before he sucks it between his lips. "I love your legs," he whispers, one of his hands resting on my hip bone. His thumb toys with the band of my panties. I'm so glad I'd put on a black thong after my shower.

Not that I thought he would see it. Not at all.

He kisses higher, almost meeting the edge of my thong and I'm already seeing stars. His kisses are wet and his breath on the damp skin makes me convulse with shivers.

"Is this the real reason you wanted me to have my own room?" I ask, shifting back and forth as his hand dips under my ass and he squeezes.

He looks at me, his stare glazed over and his lids heavy. "I have a bedroom, Gabrielle. You want to go and use it? I want to eat your pussy and it doesn't matter if it's in there, or in here. The motives for decorating that bedroom were innocent. Swear."

Something about that whole sentence is stupid hot. Men, specifically Nathan in this case, telling me just what he wants, no filter, just raw and honest filth straight from his mouth. Paired with his deep voice, the sort of deep that should read my erotic audio books, and I'm at a loss to even pretend I don't want his face between my thighs.

"You want me?"

I practically pant like I'm on heat. "Yes."

"You sure?" He sits up, kneeling between my spread legs. "Because I don't want to be that asshole that just walks in here and assumes you want it because we did it last night."

He means that. He looks at me with this softness, under all the sensual bravado, he really wants to know if I'm okay with what we're about to do and I know it's the bare minimum, I know what I was going through with Josh wasn't okay, but I'm still stunned into silence.

I'm staring up at him, several shades of emotional over his caring and I don't know if I'm horny or about to cry.

Both?

Nathan rests his hands on my thighs, the expanse of his palms covering my skin which breaks out in goose pimples and suddenly this all feels too real. Like, feelings real. Because before, I could've chalked it up to lust and arousal and nothing more than wanting someone to make me feel things again. But Nathan is the sort of man I could fall in love with and I'm in no place to fall in love with someone so unavailable.

I lean up on my elbows and then into a sitting position, Nathan's hands sliding away from me as he watches. I'm about to turn him down but I don't want to, I want him so bad and that's the problem. That's always been my problem.

"I don't know if this is a good idea."

He rests his hands on his thighs. "Feel free to tell me to fuck off, but can I ask why?"

It's too humiliating to admit I like him. Or at least, I could see myself liking him. "I just don't think Dallas would appreciate me—"

"Nope," Nathan cuts me off, his strong jaw fluttering as he grinds his teeth. "No, she doesn't get a part in this. She doesn't live here. You're both grown women. The brother excuse ends after high school."

"How do you figure that?"

He lets his gaze slowly move over me. "Well, in high school, you were a minor so this would never have happened, obviously. But generally speaking, a girl goes over to her friends house to hang out, right? Say she starts sleeping with her friends brother. So now when she comes over to her friends house, she's ditching her friend to sleep with her brother. That's when it's a problem. Right? But Dallas' time with you isn't being threatened. Your friendship with her isn't being threatened because I know if you and I were to fall out, you would never let it impact your connection with her."

I inhale a deep breath at the amount of thought he's put into this. I'm also thinking about the fact that he basically told me a little story in that super deep voice of his and now I definitely want to fall asleep to him reading my books out loud to me. Dangerous.

"You're not entirely wrong," I mumble.

"Gabrielle," he leans in closer, so close I have to lean back on my elbows while he traps me in with his arms. "I'm not going to push you into doing something you don't want to do. So just talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Is it that I've slept with a lot of women before?"

I should've known Nathan would be a talker. He's always open and honest with his feelings. I exhale and can't help but notice how surreal this situation is.

"I'm a little worried," I admit, avoiding his gaze. "About how I feel. I don't think now is really the right time to get attached to someone. And I'm an attachment sort of person."

He doesn't say anything for a while. I'm not sure how to take his silence but I peep up at his face and find him watching me with a pensive stare, like he wishes that wasn't my answer.

I'm not surprised he feels like that. He might've been able to talk his way around any other reason I had. But he can't work around that. He doesn't want me getting attached just as much as I don't want to get attached.

"You're worried we can't keep this casual?" He asks.

I nod and then he releases a quiet breath that tickles my forehead. Why can't I just be a no strings attached sort of girl? It would make this so much easier.

I don't let myself wish he was a commitment sort of guy. Neither of us need that sort of complication.

He leans back and goes to sit on the edge of the bed, palming his face. "I told myself not to cock this up. I wasn't supposed to make a move, Gabrielle. I'm sorry."

The fact that I'm still in a thong doesn't evade me as I shift onto my knees and go closer to him. "It's not your fault. I wanted it too. I still do."

He twists, looking over his shoulder at me. "I know. But the last thing I want to do is make this living situation too complicated for you. It's a good one. You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable because of how badly I want to fuck you."

I practically shudder. "You don't make me uncomfortable."

"Things might get weird if we start sleeping together though."

It's irrational to feel rejected when I was the one that turned him down first, but I can't help feeling unsettled at the fact that he gave up so easily. Maybe I wanted him to beg for me, fight for me, insist he could commit to something more serious. Which is fucked up. It's super fucked up, but it still stings. Something is wrong with me.

"Yeah," I relent, scooting back on the bed and slipping my legs under the covers. "Well, at least we sorted that before it went too far."

Nathan stands up, looking over at me with uncertainty. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

His shoulders drop. "Gabrielle. Listen, I'm not—"

"You said your piece. We're good. Things would be weird."

His brows knot and he clenches his jaw as he stands beside the bed, tall and broad and far too big for the small room. "You told me how you felt about the situation, Gabrielle. I'm trying to do what's right."

"Yeah, I get it."

He blows out a harsh breath. "I'm not playing fucking games with you. I'm not going to try and fuck you knowing you could end up wanting something I can't give you. Handle that shit like an adult."

He walks out of the room and shuts the door behind him. There's an eerie quiet when he's gone, as if the house is vacant and I hate it. He's right though. I told him how I felt knowing what he's like when it comes to commitment.

I should never have expected more from him and it was bullshit to project that hurt at him as if he was giving me some sort of false hope. Because he wasn't.