29th December.

Momma leaves for work while I'm busy putting my contacts in on Monday morning. Glasses are good, but I hate wearing them in the winter when it snows and they condensate and end up with patches all over the lenses all the time. Lydia stands next to me in the bathroom, her hair in a disheveled bun from sleeping on it.

I'm mentally preparing to detangle the knots out of it when I hear the front door open and the familiar voice of Lydia's favourite person in the world.

"Lydia," Drayton shouts and my daughter's face lights up. There's only two occasions where I see that look on her face. Christmas morning, and visits from her favorite uncle. 

She runs straight out of the bathroom, still in her little pink onesie. Blinking, I follow, closing the bathroom door behind me. The house smells like incense and I see the last of a stick burning on the hall table. Momma must have lit it before she left.

In the living room, Dallas removes her coat and Drayton is waiting with his arms wide open for Lydia who throws herself into them. My heart feels so incredibly full at the sight. It's almost enough to know that even without Josh, she'll never miss out on some sort of father figure. Almost enough. It should be her dad though.

"What's going on monster?" He kisses her cheek and then rubs his stubble coated jaw on her face.

"Stop it," Lydia giggles, pushing his cheek.

"Fine," he gives her another kiss and then leans down enough so Dallas can give her one too.

The girls caught up yesterday afternoon so Dallas doesn't impose on their reunion. She drapes her jacket across the sofa and comes to give me a hug.

"How's the most beautiful girl in the world?" Drayton asks.

"I'm fine thanks," I say, grinning when he gives me an exasperated look. He's still as handsome as he was when Dallas fell in love with him in high school.

With Lydia on his hip, he comes over and gives me a side on hug. "We'll have to talk soon," he tells me and I know he wants to fill me in on whatever went down with Josh. I'm not sure I can stomach hearing it right now. But I give him a quick nod and sit on the sofa.

"Uncle Dray," Lydia says. "You can put me down now. I don't like being holded."

He laughs at her direct statement and lowers her to the floor. "You wanna go build a snowman and then beat it up?"

"Yes!"

"Go get rugged up, kid," he gestures at the hall. "You got a warm coat?"

"Yes and I have a snowboard!"

Drayton slides his hands into the pockets of his sweat pants, his grin full of pride at how much he spoiled her for Christmas. I hadn't known what to do when that item arrived in the mail. Nor the envelope full of cash that was accompanied with a note instructing that it was to go into her savings account. Drayton is so good to her. I don't  know how I can make up for it.

"Go and get dressed, baby," I tell her and she disappears. 

The loving look slides from Drayton's face when her bedroom door shuts and my stomach drops. Whatever happened with Josh, he's pissed, so it didn't end well.

"Drayton," Dallas warns from the old sofa next to me, she pulls her knees up to her chest, long thick socks cover her feet and shins. "Not right now. She'll hear."

"He's a fucking cunt," Drayton spits, his voice low and full of disgust. It's hard to believe he'd just been smiling and laughing mere moments ago. "Little bastard is not being the person I thought he was. He's dead to me."

My heart hammers. "He won't change his mind then?"

Drayton slides his beanie off, inhaling a deep breath as he runs a hand through his hair. "Fucker thinks he's better off embracing his youth while he's got it. Like he didn't have a part in you losing yours. Fucking decked the shit."

"You hit him?" Dallas hisses, the news just as new to her, but not all that shocking.

"Yeah, I fucking did. You would've too. How the fuck he just sat ther—"

His sentence drops off when Lydia comes bounding down the hall in her snow suit and gum boots. Her hair, likely still a mess, is hidden underneath a dark blue beanie.

"You good to go?" Drayton slides back into his carefree persona, and I'm grateful that he doesn't let Lydia see that anger simmering under the surface. I'd rather she remain happy and content than have to suffer the mood of the adults around her for things far beyond her comprehension.

The two of them play outside for a good few hours. Drayton is wonderful like that, he's patient and attentive with her. Endless questions and babbling don't bother him. In fact, he seems to thrive on his role as her beloved uncle. Part of me wonders if that has to do with the loss of his twin sister. If that doting protective part of him craves the innocence of that familial connection because he'd lost his own far too soon.

Dallas seems to think that's what it is. As well as Lydia and Drayton being kindred spirits. Both head strong and sometimes sort of obnoxious. Dallas watches them from the front window, her cropped hoodie exposing her toned stomach.

"I can't wait to make him a father," she says. "He's going to be such a good one."

"He'd definitely never just up and leave," I say from next to her. From my peripheral, I see her watching me and I can imagine the pity she wears.

"Drayton cried when he got to Nathan's last night," she says. I look at her, disbelieving but she purses her lips and nods. "Said he couldn't understand Josh at all. He felt like he'd lost his brother because there was no way he could just stand by and condone his behavior. He also cried for Lydia. It breaks his heart to think of her suffering over this."

Tears threaten to well, a spear of devastation piercing me straight in the heart.

"He just wouldn't listen," Dallas continues, watching Lydia throw a snowball at Drayton. The fourth little snowman, standing about three feet tall, is the next victim of her good aim and his head rolls off. "Josh said he deserved to be happy too and if his life wasn't in the best place it could be, he had every right to make changes."

"I don't fucking get that," I say, voice tight. "Fine, leave the relationship but your daughter? That's not a life change you get to make out of the blue. Like, that's a child, that's his child."

Dallas nods, her sun kissed cheeks darkening in anger. "Drayton thinks it has something to do with his own parents. They had a weird relationship. They up and left him in high school."

"He wanted that. He wanted to stay in Colorado."

Dallas's brows quirk up. "I know. Perhaps it effected him without him even realizing it. Their relationship was so. . . sterile. Cold. Distant. Whatever you want to call it."

"I don't care," I seethe. "He doesn't get excuses from me. I'll never understand it."

"Neither do I," she says, resting her head on my shoulder, the perfect height for it. "Drayton's right. I would've hit him too."

I lightly laugh and wrap an arm around her shoulder. My best friend, a sister, the one person who I can bare myself to and never feel ashamed because she's seen the best and worst of it. I wipe at a tear threatening to roll down my cheek and swallow, forcing the emotion back down.

"Gabs," Dallas mumbles, wrapping her arms around my middle. "Don't get too lost, okay?"

"What?"

"You're different and you're allowed to be because, shits rough right now. But don't drift too far. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met, inside and out. Never forget that."

My heart fractures a little bit because I know she's right. I've been clouded with anger since Josh left. Perhaps even before he left. Feeling alone when I was still in a relationship filled me with bitter resentment. If there's one thing I can do now that I'm single, it's focus on falling in love with life again. With myself. 

At least if I'm only relying on myself, I don't have to be angry at Josh for not helping me with even the simplest shit in our day to day lives. No one to let me down if I'm doing it alone.

Drayton, Dallas, Lydia and I sit at Rocky Ryan's diner that night, the place hasn't changed since I left. Landscape art of the mountains cover the walls, worn leather booths line the outer walls, tables and chairs are scattered, topped with salt and pepper shakers and laminated menus. The fridge counter is full of sandwich's and savories.

Josh and I spent hours in these booths, holding hands, kissing, sharing milkshakes and talking about how blessed we were to find each other. Teenagers are so naively passionate, truly believing every single feeling that comes with high school romance. No wonder mom never encouraged my mania, never supported this so called love. Teenagers aren't lying about their feelings, they're just fucking wrong.

Lydia sits next to Drayton, looking even smaller next to his height and build. She slaps his hand when he steals one of her fries and he laughs, amused at her scolding look.

Drayton can't escape a hometown visit without adoring fans congratulating him on his success and asking for photos.

"Gabby Laurel," Vincent, the manager sidles up next to the booth, scanning the faces and lingering on Drayton's for a moment before he remembers he's a diehard Bronco's fan and he won't sell out, as much as he wants to salivate over an NFL star eating at his place of work.

"Hi Vin," I greet mom's friend.

"Camilla tells me you need a job."

Dallas smiles at me, but it quickly falls when she sees my disinterest.

"Yeah, I'm not doing hospo right now," I twist the straw in my drink between my fingers, avoiding the stares of my worried friends. "I'm not in the most reliable headspace."

Vincent taps the top of the booth seat. "Let me know if you change your mind. Always need staff during the Christmas period."

My smile doesn't reach my eyes, it's nice of him to offer but I don't want to let him or mom down when I find myself unable to deal with the public because I'm having an episode. Something in an office, like phones or whatever would be ideal. Still, I know I can't be too much of a snob, not when I don't have a single qualification to back me.

At one point, I was supposed to do literature and language studies at the community college. That all changed when I got pregnant. Everything took a back seat to being pregnant. Lydia's little button nose and dimpled smile reminds me how worth it it was though.

"You gonna do sport at school, monster?" Drayton asks Lydia who is wriggling in her seat.

"I'm going to do ballet, hockey, basketball, boxing—"

"No shit," Drayton gasps and I can't even berate him for his language because honestly, there are worse things for a child to experience in their life. "Boxing? Show me what's up."

He holds his hands up and she stands on the seat, immediately throwing fists at his palms. Drayton doesn't care how loud he is, he pretends to be in the worst pain of his life and Lydia curls over with giggles.

"How is the school situation?" Dallas asks, her blonde hair in a messy bun, tendrils framing her face. "She can't have been going to school in Denver for long before you left?"

"Like two weeks," I confirm. "I'll have to enroll her here."

"Mom," Lydia shouts in a demanding monotone voice, still standing next to Drayton, though he's now lowered his hands. "Where's dad?"

My stomach bottoms out.

"Back at home," I smile, I have no idea if it's convincing but I do my best. "He has to work."

"He's missing out on our holiday," she says, haughtiness in her tone, as if I'm preventing her father from being here.

Even when he and I were together and he wasn't around all that much, Lydia loved him, craved his attention. I feel like I'm going to shatter under the weight of holding her together.

Dallas and Drayton share a look of anger.

I can't even offer for her to call him. He's not interested in picking up the fucking phone.

She's five and she's not stupid so having a conversation with her about Josh is inevitable. Every day I hope he changes his mind, every day I hope that I don't have to tell her he's gone. But it's getting harder and harder to put off. The thought of not being enough for her is soul crushing. I owe my mother so much more credit than I give her.

                   The next morning, I push a cart around the supermarket and decide to do one last big grocery shop on Josh's card before I snap it in half. It's the least he can do considering he's dodging my calls and likely his responsibility to pay child support.

My mind can't stop reeling over who he used to be and who he's become. The glitz and glam of a nice job and friends without responsibilities, free to do whatever they want after work and during the weekends. He'd been lured in, tempted by the impromptu invites to the bar, the night clubs with expensive door fees and, while I didn't want to admit it, the girls.

I hadn't heard there was a girl, an affair or any reason to suspect cheating, but I'm sure part of the temptation included casual sex with whoever, whenever. That was usually the part that lured men out of their home and from their families. I wouldn't accuse him, I just kept that thought tucked deep down in the well of turmoil.

Between the hand soaps and kitchen products there's a little section of adult products on the top shelf. Condoms, lubricants, bullet vibrators.

Lydia is with Dallas and Drayton today, shopping before they spend the afternoon with Drayton's mom and dad. She'll get spoiled I'm sure but while I have the chance to browse alone, I decide it couldn't hurt to get a little bullet that will store in my side table.

Sharing a room with Lydia means that I can't have my usual collection of toys at arms length.

There weren't a lot of options. A little red bullet, a slightly bigger silver one and a cock ring. I slip the red one off the shelf to see what batteries it takes. I'm vaguely aware of other shoppers moving down the aisle. I'm not embarrassed to be looking at vibrators. A woman has needs and if someone has an issue with that, that's their problem.

"Three boxes of cereal?" I hear a familiar deep voice and jump, turning to Nathan who is leaning his forearms on the cart handle. "You feeding a school camp or something?"

He's stupid. He's stupid, I'm stupid. He's stupid good looking. He has these sea green eyes that lift on the outer corners, long thick lashes and strong arms. His sharp jaw is coated in stubble.

I give him a bored stare, doing my best to hide how mortified I am to be holding a vibrator in front of him, even if he hasn't noticed yet.

His gaze drops to my hands and I want the floor to swallow me whole. Taking a deep breath, I will the blush down, but fighting a blush is fucking useless. Nathan doesn't say a word, he looks at the vibrator and his lids get heavier, his jaw twitches and his gaze rakes over me, as if he's picturing what I would do with the vibrator.

Why do I like the thought of that so much?

After a terse moment of silence, nothing but the chatter of shoppers, the beep of the registers and the wheels of carts between us, he gives me a knowing smile and starts to walk past.

"Silver one is stronger."

My mouth drops open and I track his movements. "You know that, how?!"

As he passes, his gaze locks on mine and we're side by side. "The girl on register four has a drawer full of them."

"You're disgusting."

He stops next to me, leaning in close and I swallow, the vibrator packet crinkling in my curled up fist. Fuck, he smells so good.

His voice, so deep and invasive says, "at least I know where to put one of those things."

My stomach bottoms out and I quickly turn around, putting the bullet back on the shelf, I miss the metal rack three fucking times, my hand fumbling until the bullet falls on the ground between Nathan and I. He's watching me with his stupid mouth turned up in a grin.

I kick the bullet under the shelf and push the cart, not bothering to say goodbye. I swear I hear him laugh when I get to the end of the aisle. Bastard.

It's a good thing I was done because there's no way I would be able to do another lap and risk running into Nathan again. I get in line, checking my phone while I wait for the conveyer belt to be available. There are still no messages from Josh. Not even a text to ask how Lydia is.

I refuse to believe that's because he doesn't care, but rather he can't bring himself to start a conversation with me. The line moves forward, the woman in front of me chatting to the girl on the register. Register five. Not four. I couldn't face the beautiful red head over on the other till, not when I know she's got a drawer full of supermarket vibrators.

When it's my turn and the groceries are packed and it's time to pay the outrageous amount on the register screen, I take the card out of my phone case and swipe it through, putting in the pin.

Declined.

"Oop," the cashier taps her screen. "Just give it another go."

Declined.

Declined.

Finally relenting to the utter humiliation, I glance at the line behind me and see Nathan with his cart full of nice breads, vegetables and beer. It had to be him watching this shit show. His brows are drawn in, like he feels sorry for me and I can't stand it.

"Hmm it's coming up as a card issuer problem," Renee, the cashier, reads whatever message is popping up on her screen. "So you need to call your credit card provider and find out what's going on."

"Mother fuck—" I mumble under my breath before clearing my throat and looking at the cashier. "My ex, he's cancelled the card."

I don't know how else to explain the situation. It's awful but it's the truth. Laughing it off, so she doesn't feel awkward, I pretend to flick through my other cards, as if I have some other form of paying for the food. I don't. I don't have a fucking cent right now.

"I'll get it," Nathan says and I startle to find he's right behind me now, tall. Tall enough to make even me feel short.

"No," I mumble, noting the line seems to be growing, despite there being other registers open. "It's four hundred dollars. No."

He looks down at me. "I've got it."

"I don't want it," I snap.

"You have to be so fucking stubborn, Gabrielle?"

I know he's being nice, he wants to help me out and I appreciate that, but I can't accept the offer. It's too much, it's far too much and I know he isn't loaded. He earns a decent income and he saves most of it. I'm not going to be responsible for him dipping into that nest egg.

People are watching now, the cashier looks awkward and I feel like an idiot. "Just forget about it," I tell Renee and circle the cart to leave.

                 Back at momma's, I call the card issuer just to be sure it was what I suspected. Pacing the living room in slippers and a hoodie two times too big, I listen on the phone while they tell me the card has been cancelled, the account frozen and my name removed as any sort of authority. I didn't need it confirmed but they were happy to tell me it was the person who opened the account who had also closed it.

Josh.

Collapsing into the sofa, I bury my head in my hands and think about how done he has to be to cut us off financially. No, I didn't want to sponge off him, but when it comes to Lydia, I'll get her what she needs, protect and provide for her. Even if that means taking his money. That's only a small part of his responsibility and even that appears to be too much.

The doorbell rings when I'm in the middle of googling job listings on line, hoodie chord between my teeth. Outside, I find two men from the grocery store, their truck parked on the road while they bring bags of groceries to the front door step. Momma hadn't told me she was ordering anything.

"What is this?"

"Order for Gabby Laurel," the first dude lowers three bags in front of me before handing over an invoice. It's all of the products I'd had in my cart earlier. Lydia's favorite cereal, pop tarts, apples, grapes, eggs, cheese, bread, coffee and hot chocolate.

I watch the van pull off from the curb and peer inside one of the bags on the doorstep as I pick it up.

Right there, on top of the shampoo, toilet paper and bubble bath, is the little silver bullet.