Heaven Beside You // Alice In Chains

I don't hear anything as I get on the plane. The only thing going through my mind, over and over on some kind of twisted repeat, is the conversation I had with my mom. It's like my brain doesn't want to forget the words, the feelings, the sick pit in my stomach, because they all point back to my guilt.

He may have been a shit father, but I was a shit son.

I had no idea what was about to hit me, like a fucking out of control freight train, when I called my mom last night. I was annoyed that I'd had to hang up on Hannah to talk to her. I expected the sob story, how it's too much travel for them. How Mark would miss school or practice or fucking anything more important than the biggest game of my season. How they didn't want to spend the money on the tickets and hotel, even though my parents have enough fucking money to cover it.

But what she told me instead kicked me in the gut.

She just blurted it out. Answered the phone and told me in the same tone she'd use to let me know dinner was ready.

"Your dad had a heart attack this morning. He didn't make it."

I was silent for a full minute. I know because I pulled the phone away from my ear and checked the contact to make sure I had called my mom and not some random number. I watched the call time tick by until she finally called out to me.

"Matt, are you still there?"

"Yeah."

It's all I could say.

"You need to come home."

"Now? I have a game."

I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't understand right away that everything had just changed. That football had to be pushed back until things could get sorted out.

Until we had a funeral.

"Yes, now. Mark is... Matt, he could use you."

That knocked some reality back into me. Mark was basically alone. My mom hadn't been emotionally supportive for years and I knew she wouldn't be able to step up now. Not even when her husband dropped dead. She'd be a fucking ghost.

"I'll be home tomorrow."

She didn't say another word.

Hung up on me.

On her son.

After telling me that my dad had died.

It took me hours to get everything in order. Calling my coaches to tell them what was happening. Getting their help to secure emergency plane tickets. There is actually something called bereavement fares in the event of a sudden death. They made the calls to the airline, the school. All the details I couldn't wrap my head around. My brain had stopped functioning, operating in some kind of fog. It wasn't until my first layover that it occurred to me to call Hannah.

And then I could hardly fucking talk.

Thank god she's the person that she is. That she knew immediately what I'd need. That she's going to pick me up. I'm not lying to myself about my headspace, not this time. I'm a mess. She's the only person I can turn to right now. Jeff isn't even available. He's dealing with his own issues, but I can't reach out to him anymore. Jeff is on his own right now.

The flight feels like forever. I have that under my skin itch sensation without Hannah, my brain is on autopilot and my hands are gripping the armrests. I try to breathe deeply, try to read one of those dumb airline magazines, try to watch something on the airplane screen. I can't focus.

The plane lands. The second we are allowed to get off, I shove my way passed the other passengers to get the hell off. I ignore the grumbles and irritated comments. I need fucking off. I race through the airport. I don't have to bother stopping at baggage claim because I only had my backpack with me. Coach said he'd take care of everything else. I burst through the doors to the sidewalk.

And then I see her.

Hannah is standing across the road. I stop and take her in. The look on her face when she meets my eyes is so heartbroken I almost crumble. I know she's aching for me. She's hurting because I am. That's how much this girl loves me.

I've never needed anyone more.

Glancing to the cars passing me, I find a break in traffic to cross over to Hannah. The second I'm in her space I drop my backpack and take her in my arms.

And fall fucking apart.

I haven't cried in years. Since I was a kid. I didn't cry when I was on the phone with my mom and I have been numb for the last eight hours. But the instant her arms are around me it's like my heart starts beating again. My brain realizes where I am and why. I shake with the crushing emotions. I don't make a sound. My body is taking the entire weight of every thought and worry that I've had in my head these last hours.

Why now?

Why am I so shaken up about this?

Didn't I hate him?

Why didn't I tell him what I was thinking when I had the chance?

I never had the chance.

I'll never have the chance.

"Baby." Hannah whispers, her hands in my hair, on my back. "Come on. Let me take you home." She pulls away, taking my hand.

I pick up my backpack and mindlessly walk with her to her car. The numbness is back. I know it won't last. I have a feeling that the second Hannah is in my arms again I'm going to lose my shit.

"I told your mom you'd landed and that I was bringing you home. She said that you guys have some things to work out, but it can wait until later tonight. You've been up for hours, baby."

I nod. Hannah pulls out of the airport and drives us to my house. I don't really want to go there but I don't have a choice. Before I know it, my eyes drift closed. I must fall asleep. The next thing I know, Hannah is leaning over me with the door of the car open.

"Matt, we're home."

How I wish that were true. I wish we were at the place we both called home. This isn't my home, not anymore. It hasn't been a home in so long, I don't know that it ever was.

We head inside. My mom is there, red rimmed eyes, but already the ghost I knew she'd be. Her words are clipped, her motions stiff. She hugs me but it feels like an obligation rather than a need.

"Mark is at a friend's. He didn't want to stay here last night. I'll go pick him up this afternoon."

"No, I'll get him." Mark's going to need someone who won't be a robot with him.

"That's fine. I'll have some food ready later."

I don't understand how she can be so detached. But I guess that's how I'm feeling, too. It wasn't until Hannah held me that I felt something. There's no one here to hold my mom. The gut punch I have with that thought is unexpected. She hasn't had anyone to hold her in years. If I didn't have Hannah, I wouldn't understand the truth of those words.

"Thanks, Mom." I reach out and hug her, with a need this time instead of an obligation. I feel her shaking a little. She allows me to hold her for a minute, then steps back and takes a breath.

"You must be exhausted. Go rest for a while."

I nod and take Hannah with me to my room. This is a first. I've never brought a girl home, not even Amber. I've always been too embarrassed to have anyone here to witness my dad's wrath. Even when he was out of town, the vibe in the house was strained and I didn't want anyone to know about it.

Now that he's gone, all of that seems like a bunch of bullshit. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come here without Hannah again. The way I need her right now is another major gut check. I knew I was in love with her, but this? This is next level. This is something I never believed I was capable of. Giving another person every part of my soul. Hannah has it. She has me. And I hope to God she's ready to give me every part of her, too. I won't survive without her.

"Matt, just lay down. You need to sleep."

I'm standing next to my bed with my arms around her. Holding her as close as I possibly can. I didn't even realize I had pulled her to me. I do as she says and lay down after stripping down to my boxers, but not before dragging her into bed with me.

"Please." It's all I say but she knows what I mean. Hannah nods and crawls up next to me. This is more than cuddling. This is like a cleansing. Like she's reaching into my dark heart and restarting it. Like she's healing me little by little.

I fall asleep instantly.

***

I don't remember when I started kissing Hannah. I think I woke up with my lips on hers, my body over her. It's not enough. I need to be closer to her. Hannah responds to every touch wordlessly. She must know my need more intimately than even I do because she pulls her shirt off and presses her body against mine.

The need I have for her in this instant is stronger than anything I've ever experienced. I want to get lost in her. I want to forget about everything else. The rest of the world fades away as I devour her. My lips and hands are everywhere. I can't get enough. I'm a starving man and she's my feast. It makes no sense because this isn't horny Matt trying to score. This isn't a guy hot for his girlfriend. This is so much deeper.

This need for her.

"I'm sorry." I keep saying those words over and over. I am sorry. I feel like I'm using her, but I can't stop.

"Baby, I love you." Hannah pulls my face to hers, looking at me, speaking to my soul without the need for words. She understands.

"God, I love you so much," I say just before kissing her. Everything I am is in this kiss. I pour all of my love, my need, my pain, my shame into the woman I love.

And she takes it.

She accepts everything I'm handing to her. With love. With acceptance. With understanding.

Hannah lets me get lost in her. Maybe she's getting lost in me as well. I can't face reality right now, so I just let her touch take me somewhere else.

We've been together for months. We've been intimate for weeks. I've been closer to her than anyone else in my life, ever. But it's still never been like this.

I'm holding her, catching my breath and trying to come back down to Earth. The apology is on my lips, again.

"Don't say it." Hannah's head is resting on my chest, her fingers brushing across my stomach sending chills across my skin.

"Don't say what?"

"I'm sorry."

"But I am. I don't know what that was, but I couldn't stop myself." I lift my arm and run my fingers through my hair, blowing out a breath of tension.

"I do. That was grief, Matt. You needed an escape from the intense emotions. You came to me. That's what we are to each other, baby. I'm your person."

Holy shit. How the fuck did I find her? I absolutely do not deserve this girl, but somehow, she's mine.

"You're right. God, you are so right. You are my person, Hannah. I don't know how to get through this without you." I pull her closer because I have to. It's no longer about wanting her. Now it's about making a life with her.

"You don't have to know because I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. We will get through this together."

Hannah somehow wraps herself around me even more. I find myself burrowing into the crook of her neck. The sobs return and I'm wracked with full body shudders. I let the sounds out this time. I cry like a little bitch and she doesn't blink an eye at me. She just lets me fall apart, holding me the entire time and never letting go.

***

Hannah and I stay hidden in my room for a few hours trying to catch up on sleep. Apparently, she didn't sleep much after I called her. I feel bad about that, but I needed her. I'm just glad she's willing to be here for me.

I leave my mom to take Hannah and pick up Mark from his buddy's house. As soon as we pull up, Mark bolts out of the house and hops in the car.

"Dang, thank god you guys got here. I almost had to have Thanksgiving dinner with them!" Mark slumps in the back seat while I whip my head back. My mouth drops.

"What?" I look over at Hannah. "It's Thanksgiving? Holy crap, I totally forgot what day it was." I rub my face, trying to come back to some sort of reality. The entire day has been one big fog.

Hannah reaches over to grip my arm. "It's okay. You're allowed to be out of it right now."

"But you're missing out on your family." Just one more thing I've dragged her away from.

"Matt. You are my family. And right now, this is where I need to be." She runs her hand down my arm until her fingers entwine with mine. I feel her reassuring squeeze that sends a jolt through my entire system.

"Can we go home, now?" Mark asks. "It's weird that we're still parked in front of Ryan's house, bro."

"Yeah, sure." I put the car into drive and start home. "How are you doing?" I haven't checked in with Mark yet. I've been too wrapped up in myself.

"I don't know. Okay I guess."

Hannah turns to look at Mark. "I'm sure everything is still hard to handle right now."

I can see him shrug and look away in the rearview mirror. "We'll get through this, Mark. I'll be here, okay?"

"Okay."

The rest of the night is odd. Hannah hangs out with us until I force her to go spend time with her family. The second she leaves I feel the emptiness return. I don't want to deal with any of this, but I don't have a choice. Mom has no one. I have to step up.

I just wish I'd known this was coming because maybe I would have done things with my family differently.

Poor Matt. I wish I could say he recovers quickly but...hang on because the angst is just going to get stronger. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Have you seen the new cover for inevitable?!? I'm in loooooove! It's the essence of Brax and it couldn't be more perfect. The first five parts have also been revised to perfection. No big changes but it's all smooth and pretty thanks to my amazing editor, Bryony Leigh!

Alice in Chains not only sounds like Matt, the angst is always present in their music. Perfect match.

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