Linger // The Cranberries

"How's Matt doing, honey?" My mom pushes my hair over my shoulder and rubs my back. We're on the living room couch, the T.V. on in the background with some kid movie that Sawyer likes playing on low volume.

"I'm not sure. We haven't talked much in the last couple of days."

"There's probably a lot keeping him busy. When is the funeral?"

I shrug. "Not sure."

When I picked Matt up from the airport, and for several hours after that, he couldn't get close enough to me. He dragged me close to him in his sleep. Then woke up with his entire body on top of mine. My heart broke for him, for the pain he's going through, and it's still broken.

But the second he forced me to go home that night, I sensed a switch flipping in his mind. He went stiff, cold, as I hugged him goodbye. And he's hardly spoken to me since. Just a few texts here and there with hardly any real content. I considered messaging Jeff, but he's been no better for weeks now. Totally distant from everyone.

I don't know what to do.

"Honey," my mom takes my chin in hand and turns my face to hers. "Don't let whatever he's doing right now in the midst of deep grief change your feelings about him. Don't let his actions in this state of mind make you second guess anything. He probably isn't thinking straight. When your grandpa died, I was a mess, remember? And he had lived a long, full life. Matt's dad died so suddenly that it leaves an even deeper layer of grief."

I listen to what my mom is saying, nodding at her wisdom. She's right about so many things and what she's saying now is true to a degree. But I've never told her about the way his dad treated him. She doesn't know that in some ways, his father's death has set Matt free. And I know without even asking Matt to tell me that he feels guilt from also feeling relieved. He said enough that first day for me to know.

The question is, how do I help him if he won't let me back in? How can I support him when he's shut me out?

There is a niggling thread of worry in the back of my mind that I refuse to entertain. The thoughts keep trying to invade my day, my dreams and every time Matt fails to respond when I reach out.

What if he's going back to the way he used to be?

What if he's messing around on me?

What if he's turning his back on me for good?

Instead of letting those doubts permeate my heart, I push them back and tell myself my mom is right. I can't let his behavior in grief change how I feel about him or cast doubt on his feelings for me. I'm his person, and he's mine. I have to cling to that right now.

But that doesn't mean I can't take matters into my own hands.

"Thanks mom. I'm going to try checking in with him again. I'll let you know about the funeral."

"Okay, honey. We want to be there for him and Shelly. And let them know that Mark is welcomed here anytime if he needs a break or somewhere to go."

"I will." I kiss my mom on the cheek and retreat to my room. I've never been so grateful to have a family like mine. We've had to survive through so many ups and downs together I think it's brought us closer. I wonder if Matt's family will find this kind of closeness without the toxic behavior polluting all of their interactions.

I text Matt for the hundredth time, hoping he'll finally engage me in more than one or two word answers.

Me: Can you talk?

I learned that first day to stop asking how he was doing. Everyone is asking him that and he is clearly not doing well. I don't ask about bringing by any food, because everyone they know has dropped off lasagna or a casserole. On the other hand, maybe he'd like a burger and fries at this point. I'll ask.

I wait a respectable amount of time before texting him again.

Me: I could drop off something for dinner if you want.

Ten minutes go by with nothing. Crickets. Before I bite the bullet and just go over there, I decide to try checking up on his mom. Maybe she'll be more responsive.

Me: Hey Shelly. Please let me know if you need anything.

His mom responds just minutes later.

Shelly: Thank you, Hannah. I actually do have a request. Would you be willing to come get Mark? He really needs to get out of this house.

Something about her request has my stomach in knots. Why would she need me to take Mark? Is something wrong with Matt?

Me: Of course I can. I'll be right there. Is Matt helping you out?

I wonder if he's busy with her and that's why she needs me to get Mark. I'm hoping that's the reason and not all of the other dark scenarios playing out in my mind.

Shelly: No. He's out somewhere. I thought he was with you.

And now my stomach is in my throat. I might even be sick because Matt hasn't been with me for two days. He's hardly talked to me for as long. If his mom thought he was with me, and I have no idea where he is...

Nope. Not going to borrow trouble and think the worst. I'm going to trust Matt hasn't gone off the rails and just needs some time to himself.

Me: I'll be there soon for Mark.

I start text Kyra to see if I can bring Mark over there to hang out in the game room or something when I decide to call her instead. It only rings once when she actually answers me.

"Is something on fire? Is there an ice cream emergency I don't know about?"

"What?" I laugh at Kyra's ridiculous questions.

"You're calling. Something must be on fire, right? Why else would my phone be ringing?"

"No, you dork. But I do have a favor to ask."

"Hit me up."

"Okay. Can I bring Mark over to hang out for a while?"

Silence for a long second.

"How are they doing?" Her question is quiet, very un-Kyra like.

"As good as can be expected. Although I have a feeling Matt is taking it the worst right now."

"You have a feeling? As in, you don't really know?"

"He hasn't been exactly talkative. Or present. In fact I don't even know where he is."

"My first guess would be Pete's. Jeff is M.I.A. again. He's never around anymore. The 'rents are totally suffocating me without Jeff around to take the spotlight off. It's a total struggle bus."

"So, it's cool to come by with Mark? He needs a break from his reality right now."

"Yeah that's cool. See you soon."

Just twenty minutes later I pull up to Matt's house. His car is gone, and my heart drops immediately. I need to see him. I don't want to be that clingy girl, however, so I suck it up and knock on the door. It swings open ten seconds later to reveal a very animated fourteen-year-old.

"Thank god. I thought I'd be trapped here." Mark bounds down the front steps ahead of me. "Let's get out of here!"

"I should say hi to your mom." And see if she's heard from Matt.

"Nah, she's taking a shower or something. Come on."

Well, opportunity missed, I guess. I follow Mark to my car and we both get in.

"Kyra said we could hang out with her." I'm glad she was available because otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with Mark.

"Cool." He's bouncing in the passenger seat. The kid must have been cooped up for days at his house.

Which makes me wonder...

"Have you and Matt been hanging out at all?" It's a terrible front I'm using to find out what Matt's been doing, but desperate times and all.

"Yesterday we had to do a bunch of funeral stuff. Sucked. Don't really want to think about any of that. But he's been out all day, today." Mark is oblivious to my subtle dig for info.

"Hmm. Do you know where he went?"

"With Pete or Jeff, I guess. That's usually where he is when he isn't with you or at school, right?"

I hadn't thought about Pete until Kyra mentioned him. He's probably in town for the holiday. A little hope blooms in my chest. Maybe Matt just needed to connect with a guy friend and decompress. He can be vulnerable around me, let his grief out in the open. But with Pete, he might be able to forget for a little while. I won't begrudge him that break from his reality. Especially not right now after he's spent the day planning his dad's funeral.

The drive to Kyra's is quick. She meets us at the door and leads us downstairs to their high-tech media and gaming room.

"This place is so cool. No way would my dad let us put something like this in our house." Mark says the words while Kyra and I freeze in our tracks and look at each other.

His tone was so casual, but he doesn't seem to notice what he said. Kyra and I say nothing. Instead we set up for a game of pool and put some music on.

The gaming room really is set up for everything. It takes up most of the basement and includes a theater screening area and a built in snack bar. Aunt Jess keeps the thing stocked with all of our favorite things. There's an espresso machine, of course. That's how Uncle Leo made all of his money, a chain of boutique coffee café's. When my aunt met him, he was already a rich CEO and she was having her worst day ever. But something sparked between them and they've been together ever since.

"You're up, H." Kyra claps loudly. "Stop daydreaming about your love life and pick up the stick."

"Oh, fine." I wasn't daydreaming about Matt, but I don't want to tell my cousin that her parent's love story was what I had in mind. I especially don't want to tell her that their story made me think of Matt because he was pretty much having his worst day when I met him. I may not be a rich CEO of my own company, but I am doing pretty well in life. Happy. Plans for the future. A loving family. All things that Matt has struggled with. If Leo and Jess can find happiness together after a rocky start, so can Matt and me.

I lean over the pool table and set up my shot. Then I knock the white ball right passed all of the balls and directly into the pocket.

"Scratch," Mark says as he jumps up to take his turn. He sets up his own shot and makes it.

"Why is the sound of the white ball clanking into the other one so satisfying?" Mark smiles and sinks another one. "Pop!"

Kyra thumbs over to Mark while shaking her head. "This kid."

I laugh along with her. Mark really did need this break and I'm glad I was there to give it to him. Now to find out about his older brother.

The three of us spend the next couple of hours hanging out, playing music and games, trying to have a fun time. Mark seems relaxed, not nearly as keyed up as he was when I got him.

"Okay, dude, I think it's time to get you back before you turn into a pumpkin." I ruffle his hair the way I've seen Matt do the same thing.

Mark bends away from my hand. "Nah that's not supposed to happen until after midnight." He mock punches me and I return the favor.

"Y'all are like brother and sister already."

Mark shrugs at Kyra's comment but I glow. We wave our goodbyes and I take him back to his house. Still no word from Matt.

When we pull up to their house and see Matt's car in the driveway, the relief is strong. I've been holding on by a thread for the last while not knowing where he was or what he was doing. I'm so glad he's home. Safe.

I follow Mark into the house, hoping to spend a little bit of time with Matt. Even with the relief I'm feeling, I'm still apprehensive about putting myself out there with Matt. The cold front I've been getting isn't exactly a bright shiny welcome sign. But I am his girlfriend.

"Thanks." Mark says quietly. The bounce in his step is completely gone. Stepping across the threshold of this house deflated any energy he had. I find myself wondering if that has more to do with the family dynamic than the death of his dad. I don't bother asking.

Instead I make my way down the hall to Matt's room. His door is closed so I knock.

"Come in."

Those two words are like heaven. I hope he feels the same way when it's me he sees walking through the door.

I turn the knob and step inside. It's messier than it was a couple of days ago. Matt's suitcase is here now, most likely dropped off by the coaches when they came back to town after the big game. Matt is sitting in his gaming chair with his back to me, playing some kind of zombie killing game. Aggressively. I'm actually worried he's going to break the controller.

"Hey." I speak quietly. There's a hush over the house that I don't have the heart to disturb, even with the dead zombies on the screen. He has the sound of the game muted.

Matt whips around wide eyed.

"Hey, baby." He drops the controller and jumps out of the chair, taking me in his arms after two giant strides. "I'm sorry I didn't call. My phone died and I haven't been able to find my cord until just now. I left it at the hotel and the coaches packed it in my duffel."

That's when I start to cry.

I bury my face in his shirt and lose it.

"Baby. I'm so sorry. Were you worried?"

I can't talk so I just nod. The knot in my stomach finally gone and I feel like I can breathe again.

Matt holds me close while I pull myself together. I don't want to unleash every fear I had over the last couple of days. Instead I do some deep breathing and calm down.

"I took Mark to Kyra's to get out for a while. Where have you been?" I look up into his beautiful blue eyes, the eyes I've missed seeing more than I realized. That's why I'm able to see whatever it is that passes through those eyes for a split second as I ask. Like panic, or guilt. I'm not sure what it was because it didn't last long enough to analyze.

But I saw it.

"I went for a drive."

I say nothing. I want Matt to open up to me because he wants to. Not because I'm forcing him to.

"I just needed to be alone for a little bit. To process everything, you know?"

"I can understand that." I do. But I wish he'd let me in so there wouldn't have been a reason to worry. I want to tell him this, but something is holding me back.

Matt wraps me up again. "I'm charging my phone now. It won't happen again."

I hug him back. But something tells me this distance has nothing to do with a phone charger. Deep in my heart, a little seed of doubt has started to grow. I want to trust him, to know that he's being honest and real with me. The Matt he's proven that he is.

But that split-second look has left me wondering what he isn't telling me.

Issues... I warned you about angst so put your seatbelts on for the ride. Here we goooooo!

Guys, I'm in a writing slump. Send good vibes and happy thoughts (or sad ones, they motivate as well) and good music recs! I think I need to drown in the playlist for a day and try to get back in here. I don't have what i refer to as writing energy. Sapped out. I need to spend the summer writing every single day in order to meet my goals and its just not happening. I wrote two pages this week -- NOT GOOD!

Anyhooo, no more whining from me. I've got so many good things happening on this orange site! Inevitable is featured this month as an editor's pick and so many new readers are finding it, falling for Brax and Savanna and making me smile! Jenna (the wattpad book club tik tok queen) made a tik tok about inevitable and its currently at 20k views!whaaaaa???? Not me freaking out, nope. So much fun!

And music is a MUST with every chapter. This song screamed at me and found its rightful home with Hannah and her concerns to linger in wait for Matt. *tears* 

https://youtu.be/G6Kspj3OO0s

COME FIND ME AND LET'S BE BESTIES EVERYWHERE💕