Black // Pearl Jam

Matt is gone. I'm at home for fall break, hanging with Sawyer and Kyra, trying to learn how to make a pie. But I miss Matt so damn much I'm literally exhausted from it. My chest hurts a little and all I want to do is sleep until Matt gets back. When did I start to need him like this? I can't even enjoy this time off of school.

This isn't good.

"I think we need more butter. This dough is too crumbly." Kyra has the bowl and is working the ingredients with a fork because we don't have the right kind of pastry cutter. "It's not working."

Sawyer is stirring the pumpkin filing, even though it's already well mixed. She's mesmerized by the texture, I think. I'm staring at the iPad watching the tutorial yet again, but I can't concentrate so I have to restart it for the fourth time.

"Oh my gosh, Hannah! You were less of a zombie a couple weeks ago when you were sick! Give me that iPad. I'll watch it this time."

Kyra takes the device and sits down at the table, total concentration on the video. I stare out the window into the backyard of Kyra's house, remembering the night everything began with Matt and me. How I saw Matt sitting on the lounge chairs with Jeff. How he looked up when we called them in for cake. How his eyes lit up when they met mine. How my entire being felt that look and I knew. I fucking knew he was the one. The voice in my head said, oh my gosh you're going to marry him, and I swallowed it away as stupidity. But now just a few months later I feel the truth of that thought in my bones. In my heart. In my soul.

That guy is mine.

And I'm his.

End of story.

"Okay it says to add a tablespoon of cream if the dough is too crumbly. Was that so hard to figure out, Hannah?" Kyra shakes her head and laughs at me. "He'll be back in two more days, girl. You've got to snap out of this." She playfully smacks me on the cheek.

"I know! I can't stop my brain from detouring to Matt on repeat. This is torture!"

Sawyer looks up briefly from the bowl then returns to her methodical stirring. Kyra shoves the fork into my hand and then the bowl is slid in front of me.

"Your turn. My wrist is tired."

I sigh and start to press the fork into the dough. Little by little it becomes less crumbly, but I'm just not into this. I need a Matt fix. He's busy with practice this morning and then the big game tomorrow. On Thanksgiving. But that's college football tradition, right? Spend time on the field instead of with your family. Matt could be good enough to go pro, but we've never discussed that possibility. I might have to get used to this kind of thing.

I'm trying to picture a future with him, fantasizing about where we'll live, if we'll have kids, growing old by his side, when my phone buzzes in my back pocket. I don't even bother wiping my hands off, just drop the fork into the dough and pull it out to check the screen.

"Guess you're all done, huh? Give me that." Kyra takes control of the bowl once again, shaking her head. But she's smiling so I know she isn't really mad.

But I'm disappointed that it's not Matt. It's his mom.

Sherry: If you talk to Matt before I do, please have him call me. It's important.

I frown. His mom has never messaged me before. I knew she had my number because Matt asked if he could give it to her. He wanted her to have contacts outside of his own family, which is a sad statement. Of course, I agreed, but we never communicated like this before. I text her back that I will let him know and pocket my phone once again.

Kyra must see the look on my face. "What's wrong?"

"Matt's mom texted me to have him call her. I don't think he has his phone with him until later tonight. He's at practice."

"Oh. Well, if it's a big deal she can get ahold of one of the coaches and they will get to him. It has to be an emergency though. That's according to my parents. Apparently calling your brother to scream at him because he used all of my coconut oil shampoo is not an emergency situation." She shrugs. "A girls' got to protect what's hers, though."

"You tried to call the coaches to get ahold of Jeff because he used your shampoo?" Is that what having an older brother is like? Fights over shampoo? I'll pass. Life with Sawyer isn't always easy, but at least we don't fight over little things.

"Don't judge because you have no idea what it's like. Anyway, like I said. It has to be an emergency."

"She said it was important, but nothing about it being an emergency. I think she'd know to contact the coaches if it was."

"Probably. She is his mom, so parents must have that info. But it's time to let the dough rise in the fridge. Then in an hour or something we can roll it out and add the filing. Two hours tops we'll have fresh pumpkin pie!"

"Isn't it for tomorrow?" Our families are celebrating together here at Kyra's house.

"Yeah, but the smell will be amazing."

I lean on the counter and decide enough is enough. I need to snap out of the moodiness over Matt being gone and instead be actively present with my family. The time away from Matt is a blip on the screen. It hardly counts for anything.

"Hey, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for months." I turn to Kyra as she's putting the bowl of covered dough in the fridge.

"Months, huh? What took you so long?" She taps her chin. "Oh, right. A little obsession with your boyfriend and time alone in your dorm room. I forgot."

"Kyra..."

"You know I'm just giving you a hard time. Go ahead, ask. What is it?"

"Well, when we were up at Salt creek-"

"Oh god. That was the worst weekend ever." Kyra groans.

I had a great weekend up there, but I have a feeling I witnessed what made it such a bad weekend for her.

"That night, when I went to Matt's room, I saw you."

Kyra doesn't look up, but she does tense as soon as the words leave my mouth.

"With Pete." I add, clarifying the obvious.

Kyra takes a deep breath and nods. "Figures. The one stupid thing that happened is the part you saw."

"What do you mean?" I watch Kyra as she shifts in place. She rubs her arm and closes her eyes.

"I was trying to mess with him a little. That whole 'who's got game' question. I was itching for some kind of face off with him because Pete is so easy to mess with. I don't know, I guess I was bored."

"Yeah, I got the beginning of that conversation. He was really smug, and you were challenging him. Typical. How did that lead to a make out scene on the couch? And how far did it go?"

"That was it. Just kissing."

Kyra turns a little red, so I wonder if that kiss was really just a kiss. "Okay, so you made out. It happens."

"Uh, huh." Kyra agrees but her tone is not on board.

"Talk to me. What else?"

"Ugh!" She covers her face. "I've had a crush on him for years, okay? He only hung out with Jeff occasionally because he spent most of his time acting like a fool with Matt. Last year was different. He was here more because he and Matt weren't getting along. And I thought there was something there between us. A little spark. I thought if I pushed him a little at the creek that the spark would ignite and turn into more. That's what was so stupid about it. I forgot the guy is a major player and crushes hearts everywhere he goes."

"No. You didn't forget. You were just hoping he would be different with you." Just like I was hoping Matt would be different with me. But in my case, I was right.

"Anyway, I teased him a little and dared him to show me what he had. I kind of made it seem like I doubted he had any real skill and he wouldn't live up to the hype. He's a competitive guy so he took the bait." Kyra pauses to catch her breath and I see the exact moment the memory comes to life for her. Her eyes sparkle.

"Don't leave me hanging, girl. I need details."

Her eyes close once again. "It was...magic. Something changed the second he leaned toward me, like he'd made a huge decision and knew it was finally the right one. I felt the relief pouring off of him as he reached for me, grabbing my face in that place." Kyra opens her eyes again and looks at me. "You know, when the guy puts both hands on the sides of your face and his strong fingers are just behind your ears. Then he angles his head a little and leans closer. Your eyes close at the last second and then his lips are on yours. Feather light before pressing just enough to send a message. That caveman comes out and he growls. 'Mine' screams from every part of his body and he claims you with his lips, but your heart was always his to begin with so it's not really a claiming. It's a fact. A statement of truth. I was his."

"Holy shit." I don't have any other words. I'm shaking from her description because even though my first kiss with Matt was nothing like that, it was everything like that. He'd made the same statement and I had been lost in dreamland contemplating it a few minutes ago. How much my life changed the night of his graduation because that's when he truly became mine.

"And then he pulled away and went to bed. Done. Over. Never to be discussed again." Kyra wraps her arms around herself.

"Maybe he got scared." I offer.

"Or maybe he didn't feel what I felt. It was just a game to him."

We stand silently in the kitchen for a few minutes. Neither of us say more about Pete or try to figure out where his brain was. Sometimes there is no explanation and you just have to move on. Which sucks.

"Right. So stupid." Kyra inhales then blows it out, turns away from me and walks out of the kitchen.

She's so screwed. I want to ask more. But I can imagine she doesn't really want to keep reliving it after Pete kissed her and ruined her for every other guy. I wonder if that was his purpose and why he isn't with her now if that's the case. But I don't ask. Kyra doesn't want to say anything else otherwise she would be standing in here telling me.

The pie comes out a while later and the smell of cinnamon and spices makes my mouth water. With tomorrow being the big family feast, we all eat a meager dinner of soup and salad, so we don't bloat ourselves too soon.

It's later that night when I'm back at home when I finally get to talk to Matt.

"Hey sweetheart. How was your day?" Matt's voice soothes me even from a thousand miles away.

"Not bad. Would have been better with you around but I had fun with Kyra."

"Everything is better when you're with me, baby. I'll be home in a few days and then...you're all mine."

The suggestion in his voice sends chills through me. Phone sex hasn't been a thing for us, yet. But I can imagine it would be pretty amazing. Sadly, I don't let things go that far. Instead I remember his mom's request to give him the message to call her.

"Your mom texted me today. She wants you to give her a call. She said it was important."

Matt groans. "There were a few texts on my phone, too. She just wants to remind me that they aren't coming to my game. What's new."

"Are you sure?" I got the strange feeling earlier that something was wrong, but I don't want to alarm Matt.

"I don't know why she feels the need to tell me. They've only come to one game all year."

The disappointment in his voice breaks my heart. My parents have been at every home game, cheering Matt on right along with Jeff. I'm glad they've been supportive of him. He's never had that in his life.

"Maybe it's something else. I don't want to bum you out but maybe you should call her. Just find out. Then call me back and we can have a little phone fun."

"Hmmm, phone fun? Are you propositioning me Ms. Long?"

"You know I am, Mr. McKinley. The question is, are you willing to try something a little dirty?"

He lets out a throaty laugh. "Baby, nothing with you is dirty. It's always a dream come true."

"You sure have a way with words. That should serve us well later tonight."

"I've already got a few ideas."

"Save up all of those thoughts and give your mom a call."

"Dang, you can't talk to me about my dirty thoughts and my mom in the same sentence, Hannah. Messes with a guy's head."

It's my turn to laugh. "Well, then big boy, do your sonly duty and then call me back."

"It's a date. Talk to you in a few minutes."

"I'll be ready and waiting."

We hang up and I spend the next while getting myself ready for bed. That way when Matt calls back, I can just lie in bed and fall asleep with his voice. We've done that a couple of times since he's been on this road trip. It's soothing, but not as good as having his arms wrapped around me.

I scroll through my phone for a while. A few minutes turns into a half hour, then an hour. I end up falling asleep waiting for him.

The buzzing of my phone at 3 am wakes me with a jolt. I'd been dreaming and it wasn't pleasant. I sit up and swipe to answer the phone as soon as Matt's name registers in my foggy brain.

"Hey, what happened?"

I'm greeted with silence. I close my eyes to concentrate on the other end and that's when I notice that Matt isn't silent. He's breathing but it sounds like he's struggling.

"Matt? What is it?"

A sense of dread takes over and I find myself going through all kinds of horrible scenarios. I refuse to latch on to any of them because my fears must be worse than reality.

"Baby." His voice is tortured.

"Please tell me." I whisper the words. Whatever this is, it's bad.

"He's gone. I'm so confused."

"Who's gone, Matt?

"I mean, I hate him. I've hated him for so long. Why does this hurt?"

His dad. He must be talking about his dad.

"What do you mean he's gone?" His dad is gone all the time but now I'm wondering if he's left the family for good. Matt has told me about the talks he's had with his mom. That he wishes she would leave his dad and start a new life without all of that destructive verbal abuse.

"He's dead. He died this morning. Massive heart attack."

"Oh, god. Matt I'm so sorry. Where are you?"

"The airport. I'm coming home."

"Tell me what to do."

"I fucking need you. Please. Please just..."

"I'll be there. I'll pick you up. Send me the flight information. Baby I'll be there."

Matt stops talking, but I hear him taking deep breaths before he comes back on the line.

"Okay. Okay I will. I'm boarding soon. I'm supposed to land there around six."

"I'll see you then. I've got you, baby."

"Don't let go."

"Never."

My heart is shattered for him. For his mom. For Mark. Even though they had a terrible relationship, losing someone so suddenly is a shock. There's no closure. No goodbye. It's painful no matter what, but to have all of that heavy baggage just sitting there, left over from the lack of communication.

I just can't imagine.

Now more than ever, Matt needs someone standing with him. I'm so glad I can be that person for him. I just hope it's enough.

Did you feel it? Did you see that coming? This is where everything changes, as you can probably tell. This one was filled with breadcrumbs for later and a bombshell for now. I don't think of myself as an angsty writer but Matt's story is about to go there. Sorry in advance. But dang if it isn't the deepest feels I've had in a long time!

I'd love to hear thoughts, and even theories, that you may have! Did any of the breadcrumbs leave you wondering? I'll tell you right now I have a couple of spin off stories already brewing in mind, other than Jeff's *wink*

Black fit the mood of this one, and there may be more dark chapters on the way.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Some inevitable cover and sequel teasers just might be headed to my accounts on IG, fb and Twitter. Just saying...