Take My Breath Away // Berlin

Two weeks of dorm living down and the jury is still out. I can't decide if it's awesome or awful. I'm doing all the things I thought I'd do; study sessions, late night snacks, gabbing with the roommate 'til all hours, dinner with the team after practice... But the freedom I thought I'd feel isn't really that free. I'm still stressed out half of the time and feeling a little homesick, even though home is only a half hour away.

The best part, however, is unrestricted access to my guy. He's with me for every meal, every trip to the library that we can coordinate, and every quiet moment together. Both of us are crazy busy with practice and classes, and Matt has gone back home a couple of times to see his mom and Mark, but he's chill about it. His dad is still out of town for at least another month. Matt has never seemed so easy going about life as he is right now.

And by right now, I mean right this very second. Matt is hanging in my dorm room. We've been working on our first assignments of the year with classes having started a week ago. Matt said he needed to rest his eyes for a minute...but that was twenty minutes ago, and he's been asleep ever since.

"Matty, wakey, wakey." I pick up a popcorn kernel out of the bowl I've been snacking from and lob it at him. He doesn't flinch so I try again. "Wake up sleepy head." I lean a little closer and toss one more. "Baby."

In a flash, Matt's arm zips around me and hauls me into his chest causing me to squeal.

"Hey!"

He pops open one eye. "Sneak attack." Then he presses his mouth to my neck and blows a raspberry.

"Ahh! That tickles!" I push but his hold is too tight to escape.

"Payback." Matt continues to attack me with his lips, moving them from my neck to my earlobe, then my mouth.

Yeah, okay I give up.

The kiss starts out playful, but it takes no time at all to turn heated. Before I know what's happening, his hands are on my back and mine are gripping the skin just inside his waistband. The giggles stop and both of us are silently devouring each other. Little by little, our kisses over the past few weeks have gotten more intense. Our hands have started to explore. Our fingers have started to delve into uncharted territory.

I told Matt to let things happen naturally, and he has. But I don't want either of us to have regrets. This time I'm the one who pulls away.

"Whoa." It takes a few seconds before I can breathe normally. That's when I finally open my eyes and look right into Matt's. The longing, the heat I see there knocks me on my ass. If I wasn't already sitting on my bed, I would literally be on the floor.

He says nothing, and neither do I. This feels like a turning point, the edge of a knife. All of those clichés about the beginning of a new path. Staying silent, I reach up and cup Matt's face, holding him gently. The feelings I have toward him are so strong. So real. So much bigger than life.

"Don't look at me like that," he whispers.

"Like what?"

"Like I'm everything to you."

"I can't help it. You are."

Matt closes his eyes, leaning his forehead against mine. "You don't want me to be such a big part of your life, Hannah. I'm going to mess this up."

It's the fear I know he's been harboring about the two of us. That he won't be this Matt for long and I will end up heartbroken or disappointed in him. I don't want that any more than he does, but I have faith in him. I see his will and his desire to stay on this path, to be this guy for me and for his brother. I won't let him fail.

"I've got you, Matt. I'm here."

"For now."

"For always."

Matt pulls back and gives me a look. So distrustful.

"How can you know that, Hannah? Don't say that because it will kill me when always never comes."

I don't respond. I hardly react. I take two breaths and focus. Then I climb into Matt's lap, straddling him, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his shoulders.

"I can know because I love you. What other guy would willingly go through what you have just to be a better man? And who actually worries about messing things up the way you do? Your heart is what drew me in, baby. Your soul is what's keeping me here. I.love.you."

Matt closes his eyes halfway through my speech, but I don't stop. When I finish, I press my lips to his gently. Then I hold him. I don't expect anything from him right now, but this man needed to hear those words. He's got to stop beating himself up for his past and realize that he's already a better person.

"Hannah," he whispers, eyes still closed. "Damn." His eyes open and find mine. I share a soft smile with him, the one that only he deserves full of love and understanding.

He kisses me, deeply. One hand gripping the back of my head, the other wound tightly around my waist. His lips are strong, pressing against mine desperately. Suddenly, he pulls back, his eyes on mine.

"I love you, too."

Then he claims me. There is no other description for this kiss. He owns me, and I will gladly let him. He presses his chest into mine while the kiss goes on and on. I feel the burn from his stubble but could care less about that. I hum into his mouth. This frantic need for each other is exactly what I've longed for with him. The vibrations from my hum must unleash whatever tether he's had in place because the next thing I know, he's flipped us around and we are lying flat on my bed.

Matt slows the pace, gently kissing my mouth when what I really want is to be consumed. His hand brushes through my hair but I wish they were on my skin. Anywhere. Any skin, I don't even care. Just touching me would be enough.

"You mean so much to me, baby," he says, holding me close. "You are everything to me, too. I feel exactly the same way." He lifts his head back just enough to look down at me again.

We say nothing, just continue to take in each other's image. The flushed cheeks, the mussed hair, the swollen lips. I reach up with two fingers and run them along Matt's lips. Then I lift my head a little, pressing my lips to his in a whisper of a kiss.

It's hardly anything at all but somehow, it's this barely there, innocent kiss that pushes both of us past our boundaries. The one gesture of my love that snaps the thin thread holding us apart. The unspoken consent of that kiss breaks down the last barrier. There is no more holding back. We reach for each other, revel in each other and come together without hesitation. I grip the neck of his shirt and pull. Matt yanks it off the rest of the way. My hands find those abs that are forever etched into my memory. Without breaking our kiss, I pull the hem of my shirt higher. High enough that I cross my arms, lean away from Matt and drag it up and over my head.

Everything seems to happen in a time warp, or some kind of alternate reality. One minute our shirts are coming off and the next minute our bodies are pressed together. Hands and lips gripping and touching, the warmth of our skin and breath, soft sounds of our pleasure. We are both aware enough to make sure everything is safe and protected. But everything else doesn't take much thought at all. It's all happened so naturally, meant to be. I can't regret it. I won't.

***

"Are you okay?" Matt's fingers are running through my hair. He's got his arms wrapped around me and I'm cuddled into him. I wouldn't have ever pictured Matt as a snuggler after that first night. But he's not that guy anymore. Deep down, I don't think he ever really was that guy. It was just a defense mechanism ingrained in him because his dad is such a jackass.

"I'm perfect." I cuddle a little closer. We've been alone in my dorm room for a few hours, but my roommate is away at an all-day swim meet so we still have time. "It wasn't so scary, was it?" I tease him.

Matt takes a deep breath. "I'm still scared I'm going to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to do."

I scoot up to kiss his cheek. "You love me. I love you." I really don't need to say anything else. That's enough.

"Everything is different with you, Hannah. Deeper. More important." He runs a hand through his hair, a gesture I recognize.

"Stop stressing out over our relationship, Matt! Just enjoy it. We are perfect. This is perfect." I climb on him, once again straddling him. The last time I did this, an hour ago, we ended up all over each other.

"I've created a monster." Matt teases, but I can still sense that he's worried.

"Well, what can I say." I nuzzle his neck. "It's like I've been surviving on Folger's instant coffee forever and you just gave me a taste of Starbucks for the first time. Of course, I'm going to want another sip."

Matt laughs, then groans, then pulls me into him so tightly I sigh. "I'm tapped out of protection, Hannah. We're lucky I even had the one in my wallet out of habit."

I whisper up into his ear, "I'm on birth control."

"You temptress." he nuzzles me some more. "How can I resist you?"

"You can't. So, don't try."

Just as Matt presses his lips to mine, causing a flutter of excitement inside, his phone alarm chimes.

"Time to hit the gym for workouts with the team," he says.

I sigh again. "Duty calls."

Matt holds me tightly one more time. "I'm in this, baby. This isn't a hook up for me. You know that, right?"

That he feels like he has to say that to me, even now, is a sad reflection of who he used to be. But even so, he did put voice to his worries instead of holding back. I have to take comfort in that.

"If that were the case, it would be the longest lead into a hook up ever. Almost four months! I think I'm secure knowing that this means more than just sex, babe." I wink and kiss him. "Plus, that fact that you love me kind of seals the deal, you know?"

Matt kisses me deeply, making me long for more than just a kiss. "There is that," he says as he pulls away. "And don't forget it. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You know I've never said that to anyone but you, right?"

"I do now. I've never said it either. This is a big deal to me, Matt. Just like it is to you. I'm not playing games."

The look in his eyes is precious. He's so happy and relieved at the same time.

"It is a big deal. We are a big deal. We're actually the real thing, baby."

"Yeah we are." My smile is huge. I wrap my arms around Matt and pull him close for one more kiss when his alarm chimes again.

"Dang it! I've got to go, or I'll be late. Can't be that freshman who blows off a practice."

"So true." I release my man and watch as he gets dressed. I'm ridiculously happy right now, even with Matt leaving. He grabs the rest of his books and shoves them in his backpack.

"We didn't get much accomplished here," he says.

"I'd say we conquered mountains here today."

Matt gives me a long look. He takes two strides over to my bed and leans down, planting a kiss right on my lips. He knows what I mean. This was a big step for us, and the fact that major feelings are wrapped around it levels up the intensity. He leaves with a promise to call me later on. I trust him. Matt is doing everything he can to build that trust between us.

After I dress and spend more time on my assignments, I can't keep quiet about things any longer. I grab my phone and shoot off a text to Kyra.

Me: It's official. He loves me.

Kyra sends a reply almost immediately. It's just a Gif of a cartoon character with hearts in its eyes but the sentiment is real.

Kyra: OMG!

Me: I'm so happy

I consider telling her more, confessing that we finally took that last physical step and that being with him was more than I imagined it could be. But I decide to keep that to myself for now.

Kyra: I'm happy for you. Matt has changed so much. I'm glad he has you.

Me: I'm glad I have him.

Kyra: I want all the details at the game on Saturday. We're all sitting together, right?

Matt and Jeff have their first game this weekend. Our families will all be in the stands cheering them on.

Me: Yup. Get your Hawks gear ready! I'll be picking up Mark in the morning so he can sit with us. Want me to swing by and get you, too?

Kyra: Perfect! I'd rather ride with you than the 'rents. With Jeff gone, I have no buffer!

I laugh. My aunt Jess and uncle Leo are awesome, but they love togetherness. I can see how being the only kid at home would get exhausting. We make plans to ride back here together and grab lunch before the game.

As I put my phone down and get back to work on my assignments, I decide that dorm living is awesome. I don't need to feel homesick because now, Matt is my home.

Guys...gah! The two of them just give me soooooo many feels. These next 4 or 5 chapters are just gonna slay me. But *no spoilers* I'll leave it at that. I can only say have your blankie and comfort stuffies nearby.

I mentioned before that Hannah and Matt's relationship will unfold differently than my love interests typically develop. This chapter is exhibit A. I hope I do them justice. On a side note, if you are enjoying this story, please consider sharing it with others or adding it to your reading lists. I'm a little worried that former readers want nothing to do with Matt, and his story is not an easy one, but definitely worth reading. Especially if you like angst, because this one probably has the most angst of any story I've ever written.

Just saying.

Music this week, Take my Breath Away, is the song for that moment...the first time. I think they take each other's breath away...

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Come follow me on the bird app, the pin board app, or that face thing... and take my breath away!