One // U2

I'm not sure taking Hannah for burgers with Mark could be considered a first date. But it sure as hell feels like one. I haven't been this nervous with a girl since I took Amber out the first time. And this nervousness is worse because I already know how bad I can screw up a relationship.

With Amber, I was always so afraid that she would find out what I was trying to hide, namely all of the bullshit that my dad constantly shoved down my throat. How I was only good for football, so I better stay focused. How I'd never measure up. How I was an idiot.

With Hannah, I'm not nervous about that shit. She's already blasted through those lies. I actually told her what he thinks, and she's insisted none of it is true. I'm not worried about that anymore. But I am worried about myself, about my control. Will I treat her the way I treated Amber? Will my mouth go off before I can shove the poison words back down? Will I be the guy who deserves her or the guy who takes her for granted?

It's a shit ton of pressure to put on myself so soon after finally seeing this part of my life for what it is. I mean, there's no twelve-step program for assholes anonymous, is there? I'd be the poster child for damn sure. I don't know if I'm jumping into the deep end before I can swim but with Hannah, I can't help myself. I want to have her with me, to be with me, even if it might be too soon.

That's why I laid it all out there over two months of texting. I want her with me fully aware of who I have been and who I want to be. No more hiding. No more trying to be on top by forcing everyone else to the bottom. Now, I want Hannah to be the one to shine and I'll just go along for the ride.

My fingers lace with hers as we pull away from my house. Mark was fine to go home, belly full and with permission to hang out in my room on my gaming system, something I never would have allowed before. I make the few turns to Jeff's house, not far from mine in the exclusive north hills of Fallbrook. The music is off, Hannah is silent, and I'm actually okay. Even after the harsh brush off from my dad after graduation. I'm okay.

"I had no idea you lived so close to Jeff," Hannah says as we pull onto his street. "Small world, right?"

"Yeah, or small town. This place feels like its own universe sometimes."

Hannah laughs. "It's not that small. Two high schools mean it's pretty big. And you and I have both lived here our entire lives and just met. Not so small town if you ask me."

I squeeze her hand and lift it to my lips. God, I love the feel of her skin next to mine.

"I guess not, beautiful." I smile. Then I turn when she doesn't respond. There's something about her silence that speaks loud and clear. "What?"

"That sounded like a line, Matt." Hannah's lips are pressed together. "I'm not impressed."

"I don't understand."

Hannah sighs. "It's just the way you said, beautiful. As though you were trying to butter me up for something. Kind of slimy actually."

My turn to sigh. I release her hand to run my fingers through my hair. "I was just telling you I think you're beautiful, not trying to get anything from you Hannah."

By now, we've parked near Jeff's house. I can hear the music even with the windows up. There's several cars but this party is nothing like the ones Pete or the other guys throw. Tonight, is more for family. There won't be any back room shit with cheerleaders, thank fuck. I feel like an addict that's on the wagon and any temptation could mess me up. I want nothing to do with that shit anymore, but I also don't want to have any excuse to act like an ass.

Hannah leans over close to me, taking my hand back in hers. She waits until I look her in the eyes before saying anything. When she finally speaks, I find myself taking in a deep breath and holding on for the blow.

"Can we start over?"

I nod but remain silent, releasing the breath slowly.

"What I should have said was, just be yourself. I like you the way you are, and you don't have to feel the need to flatter me in forced or fake ways."

"But I meant it, Hannah. You are so beautiful. I don't know how to make that sound any more genuine then it was."

It's Hannah's turn to nod. "Okay. Try saying it again. This time, don't smirk, just look into my eyes and whisper the words."

I don't understand the difference, but I do what she asks. Turning my body to face her fully, I look into her eyes and say the words again, quietly, trying to focus on Hannah and not on what I want her to hear.

"I guess not...beautiful." I pause before the last word, wanting her to believe me this time. This beautiful girl in front of me smiles, her face glowing in a way that takes my breath away.

"There you are," she says, leaning into me. I move toward her to make up the rest of the distance and press my lips to hers. It's our first kiss since this afternoon on the graduation field. I'm so relieved that I can't keep our lips connected. I pull away just enough to rest my forehead against hers.

"I don't know how to do this," I confess. "I guess I'm so used to always playing a role, I have no idea how to say what I'm thinking without trying to make it serve a purpose."

Hannah rolls her forehead against mine in a soothing gesture. "No. You just need to change your purpose. You aren't trying to soften me or get me to agree to anything when you give me a compliment. Your purpose should only be to make me happy. If you can keep that mindset, it will all be fine."

I take a deep breath. "Just keep helping me. Please." I don't usually plead with a girl. But this girl...I will beg her to be honest with me, to never let me mess this up. I need her so damn much, already. I need that girl who's been brutally honest with me in texts to be the same girl I have in my arms.

"I'm here. Your arms are where I want to be."

I wrap my arms around her. The center console of my Audi doesn't give me much space to really hold her, but this is enough for the moment.

"Should we go into the party, now?" Hannah kisses my cheek.

"Yeah. Let's go."

***

I want out of here. The party is fine, tame as expected. But I feel like ants are crawling under my skin and I just want to be alone with Hannah. She's off somewhere with Kyra and I'm hanging with Jeff out by the pool.

"It's weird, right? No more high school bull to wade through. We're college men now."

"Thank God," I mumble, taking another sip of the soda in my hands. Jeff shoved it at me the second Hannah and I walked in. He's seen me at my drunken worst, just like Hannah. I'm sure he's worried I'll go off the rails as usual, but I have no desire to drown myself that way anymore. Hannah certainly wouldn't be impressed.

"Now that we'll both be at Fallbrook, we should look into dorming together." Jeff slaps my back.

I gesture to his house. "Why not stay here? The commute isn't bad, and you have to admit your set-up is sweet." I'd give anything to actually want to live at home but I don't remember a time when I wasn't anxious to split.

Jeff leans back in the lounge chair. "It's fine here, and I guess I see what you mean. But a guy needs his space, and my family is all about togetherness. I can come back whenever I want." He extends his drink for a toast with me. "Come on man, here's to our future."

I clink cans with him then we both take silent sips, letting the moment linger.

"I like you with her," Jeff says.

I raise an eyebrow. "Am I getting your seal of approval? Thanks, Uncle Jeff." It's meant to be a joke, but I can tell by the look on Jeff's face it fell flat.

Jeff leans in close. "Look, all I'm trying to say is I see the change in you over the last few months. You're much more settled than you've been, even with Amber. Hannah is something special and I wouldn't want her with just any of my friends. But when I saw that you finally got it, that you'd seen yourself and turned the other way, I figured she'd be able to handle you and you needed her to kick you in the ass." Jeff leans back, a smug ass grin on his face. "Looks like I was right."

I nod. "I won't repeat this if you ask, and Hannah already knows I feel this way because I told her, so you don't need to go blowing my cover. But I fucking need her, man. Already. How did that happen so freaking fast? Today is the first time I've even touched her and she's like my new drug." I scratch my arm. "I'm crawling out of my skin because she's gone somewhere in this house and I can hardly stand the space. What the hell am I going to do?"

Jeff puts his hand on my shoulder in a classic dad move, one I never got to experience with my old man. I can hardly keep the full body shudder from exploding over me at this knowing gesture. I can't look at him, and he knows it. This guy has been such a good friend to me. It makes me question the years I spent with Pete by my side. Because where the fuck is that guy now?

"Here's what you're going to do. You will treat her well, you will be honest with her to a fault, and you will never take her for granted. It's your default and I understand why. But this is a marathon, man. Not a sprint. This will take effort, and energy, and focus."

"Shit, way to put the pressure on. Thanks a lot." I shudder a breath, shaky from the weight of this road I'm on to be a good fucking guy for once. Bad habits die hard and I don't want to be the living proof of that cliché.

"It's not pressure, it's a plan. This is what you do, every day. Write it on a sticky note, make a reminder pop up on your phone, tell me to text it to you every morning. Whatever it takes to not go back to the Matt I used to know. I could barely tolerate him. This guy," he smacks my cheek, "is the one I can call my friend and gladly share Hannah's number with."

I silently nod, not trusting my voice to say a damn word in response. No one has ever believed in me like this and I am determined to be this guy from now on.

Before our bromance can get to the next level, Kyra calls from the house, "Hey guys, time for cake!" Hannah stands next to her and the two of them wave us back. I get up from my chair without a second of hesitation. Jeff laughs from behind me, and I think I hear him clear his throat with a "whipped" disguised in it. Whatever. I have no shame when it comes to her.

As soon as I reach her, I kiss Hannah's cheek then whisper in her ear. "There's my girl." Because she's mine. I can't handle anything less.

Hannah puts her arms around my shoulders, looks into my eyes and whispers back, "And here's my guy."

I fucking melt. Right here in the French doors of my friend's family room while his entire family gathers around the biggest cake I've ever seen. It's not a guy thing to do, melt for a girl. But for Hannah, I'd melt. I'd burn. I'd stop time. I'd do anything. If I could find an excuse to just get her out of here I would do it in a heartbeat. But I'm not a selfish bastard...anymore. So, we stay. Hannah grabs my hand and leads me closer to the cake.

Where I lose all of my breath.

"What the hell?" I breathe out the words. That's all I can do.

Hannah grips my hand a little tighter, leaning in close to me. "They wanted to celebrate you, too."

Holy shit. I don't cry but I'm fucking about to. Jeff's family added my name to the cake. Happy Graduation Jeff and Matt. What the actual fuck? I squeeze my eyes shut and bring my free hand up to press against the lids. My own parents didn't even go to dinner with me, I just...

Shit.

The singing starts, some morphed version of happy birthday turned into happy graduation, and again they sing Jeff's and my names. I pull myself together and open my eyes. The weird smile I'm giving must look psychotic, but no one seems to notice. Hannah has her arms wrapped around my bicep, holding me up, with her head resting on my shoulder.

And I feel it.

Contentment.

It's like suddenly my entire life has fallen into place. This family is treating me like a son. This girl is holding me up. The future suddenly seems like maybe it might actually work out for me. I wish I had forced Mark to come along, because he deserves to feel this way, too.

I look up to see Hannah's parents on the opposite side of the table. Her mom has her hands up under her chin with a smile on her face aimed right at me. Does she know? Has Hannah told her what I live with daily? Maybe. But honestly I can't find it in myself to be concerned. They've all got me like no one else ever has. I need to trust in that.

"Where's your sister?" I ask. Hannah told me about Sawyer being on the Autism spectrum. She said it's been hard on their family because even simple things like this family party can make Sawyer really anxious. They've had to make a lot of adaptions for her comfort. I wonder if my parents would be that focused on Mark or I if either of us had to overcome a challenge like that.

Probably not.

"She's upstairs in Kyra's room with her iPad and noise reducing headphones. The graduation was more than she could do in one day. She's happy up there."

I kiss Hannah's temple and nod. As much as I want to leave with her, I let her decide how long we stay. And now that my name is on this cake, I should probably hang around. I'm more grateful than I can express, so staying is the least I can do.

"Do you want to check on her?" I look Hannah in the eyes to let her know it's fine if she needs to sneak away to hang with Sawyer for a while.

"No. She's been texting me about the movie she's watching. That means she's fine. If she wanted me up there, she'd say so."

I nod. "Then let's eat some cake."

"Sounds good." Hannah smiles. The smile that I already love even though today is the first day I've ever seen it.

The very first chapter post MTT timeline!!!!! And what did you think of Matt in this one? Has he grown on you? Do you trust him yet? WASN'T HE JUST ADORABLE???

Okay, hang on for this one. I am deviating from my typical style and changing up the way these two navigate their relationship. If you've read other works by me you may notice those differences. And as always, I hope I can live up to the hype! Keep in mind this is a FIRST draft so there will be mistakes and confusion in some sections. PLEASE BE MY EYES! Ask questions and feel free to correct mistakes. I LOVE THAT!!

Thank you so much for reading. I'm so grateful to have you here!

This song just says 'love' to me...

https://youtu.be/ftjEcrrf7r0

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