Garbage// Only Happy When It Rains

Walking to my parents' front door is excruciating. The worst walk of shame in history. Except I'm not ashamed. I love Matt, still. This baby is the result. I can't regret the life inside of me, even if I have to do it alone.

Something deep in my soul reassures me that I won't have to. I don't want to latch onto that feeling. The disappointment would kill me.

I don't knock as I use my key to enter. They aren't expecting me home today, a Monday. I only have two classes on Mondays, so the timing worked out. After a solid week of no responses from Matt, and a mental breakdown on the phone with Jeff, I decided I couldn't keep this to myself anymore. If Matt won't talk to me, he loses the privilege of finding out before anyone else. He lost that privilege when he dumped me at his dad's funeral.

Indefinitely.

That word isn't holding the same amount of hope as it did before. I held on to that word like a lifeline in the beginning. Now, seven weeks later, it feels like a cruel joke. The universe is infinite. 'Indefinitely' is a relative term in that context.

"Mom?" My stomach is up in my throat as I call her name. Once she knows I'm here, the questions will start. I have no excuse to be here other than the bomb I'm about to drop.

I shake myself. I can't think of this baby that way. I'm confident my parents will be supportive, but I'm worried they will be disappointed. That will hurt.

"In the kitchen. Where else would I be?" Her responding tone is lighthearted. She spends the majority of her day in the kitchen which has become a family joke.

I step in to find my mom and Sawyer elbow deep in dough.

"Biscuits?" I pull out a barstool at the end of the island.

"You would be correct. I've got an Italian stew simmering. Buttermilk biscuits are Sawyer's favorite and they pair nicely. Are you staying for dinner?"

Good question. I'm not sure I'd keep it down. "Maybe. We'll see." My nerves are raw. I don't know how to say it. I should wait until my dad is with us, but I don't know how long I can sit here pretending that my world didn't suddenly change forever.

"What brings you home today?" The question is so tame and yet so charged with the truth. I almost burst into tears.

"Well...we need to talk." Step one. Now I have to follow through. No chickening out.

"Sounds serious." Mom's tone has changed already.

"Yeah." I sit up straight and force myself to look directly at my mom. The words feel like sandpaper, but I push them out anyway. "I'm pregnant."

Mom stops kneading the dough. She looks at me. "Oh, honey."

Two words. But they ignite the tears. Those two words held no judgement, no disappointment, but were full of love and concern. She's worried for me, but not angry with me. The relief is immediate.

"Hang on, Hannah. I've got to wash the dough off my hands and then I can hold my baby."

More tears. I'm sobbing now. I worry about Sawyer because emotions can confuse her, so I look up to check that she's okay. Mom is helping her wash up. Then she puts the nose cancelling headphones on her and sits her at the table with a sketchpad. Two seconds later I'm wrapped up in a hug.

"Talk to me, honey."

"I haven't told Matt yet. He won't answer any of my calls or texts. I'm going to have to hunt him down and force him to listen to me."

Mom doesn't say anything. She doesn't offer advice or give words of caution. She doesn't dump on Matt or tell me he isn't worth it. She just holds me and rubs my back.

"I don't know what he's going to say or how he'll react. But I'm going to keep it."

"And we will be here for you every step of the way. I'm proud of how strong you are, but I wish the circumstances were easier for you."

I lean into my mom and cry a little harder. I don't know what I would do without her. Especially now.

"I wish they were easier, too." In a perfect world, Matt would be the guy who stands by me. Our family would be each other and the life we created. Instead, our lives are a mess and we're bringing a baby into it. My thoughts bring on a fresh round of tears.

"Shh." My mom continues to rub circles on my back. "It's never easy, believe me. But you'll get through it. You will always have us."

"I wish I had Matt, too."

"Well, of course nothing is what you expected. Your relationship with Matt has hit a road block. I'm confident that the two of you will work things out. It may not be the way you hoped. Things may not line up perfectly but that's to be expected. You're young, your life isn't aligned, and neither was your relationship with Matt. You hadn't committed to a future with each other, yet. But with this baby you will always be connected. How you end up sharing that future depends on how you get through this storm now."

I nod, listening to her wisdom. It's a hard dose of reality to imagine coparenting with Matt and not being with him. I guess that's a possibility.

"I can't really think about all of that yet. I still have to tell him he's going to be a father." My mind wanders to another possibility. One that scares the hell out of me. What if he's angry. What if he doesn't want me to keep it. His biggest fear was being a father like the one he had. What if this triggers Matt to go even deeper into himself, to a darker place.

"One step at a time." My mom brushes the hair away from my face then hands me a tissue. "Let's talk about the next steps for you. How are you feeling, physically?"

"Ugh...sick to my stomach. And exhausted."

"That sounds about right. I was really sick with you, as well. Are you eating?"

I shrug. I've nibbled on things here and there, but I wouldn't exactly call it eating.

"Vitamins? A doctor's appointment?"

"No. Nothing yet."

"Okay, first order of business tomorrow is to make an appointment and pick up some prenatal vitamins. You need to keep up your health so the baby is healthy."

I nod again. What would I do without my mom? I think of Shelly and how absent she's been for Mark. It makes me thank God for having a mother like mine, a family like mine. And I see even more how hard life has been for Matt with no one there to help him through hard times. I ache for him, for what he's going through. But I'm also mad. So mad I want to spit nails at him for pushing me away. For the fact that I'm going through this without him.

I'm making myself sick thinking about this. I don't want to think about him anymore tonight. I'll worry about tracking him down tomorrow. I'll get Jeff on it so we can ambush him. He's given me no choice.

"Should we finish the biscuits?" I wipe my eyes and sit up straight.

"Yes, we should. Let's get Sawyer back at it so we can have dinner. And I expect you to stay for it now. We still have to tell your dad."

"Oh." I feel the color drain from my face.

"It will be fine. Remember, you were our baby first. We love you."

"I know. I love you, too."

***

Dinner is delicious. And I'm actually able to eat some of it. I think having my mom hold me and tell me things will be all right helped ease some of my physical aches as much as my emotional ones.

Dad got a little choked up when I told him. He didn't say much but his eyes got red and he hugged me for ten minutes straight. He kissed me on the top of my head, patted me on the back and said dinner smelled great. He's a man of few words. His actions speak louder than he does, so that hug meant the world to me.

"Do you have time for a movie, or do you need to get back to the dorms?" Dad looks at me from across the table as we are clearing our dishes.

"I should get back. I still have some studying to do before bed." I haven't been able to focus on much this week. My mind has wandered to my stomach more times than I can count, daydreaming and worrying all at the same time. I feel so much better, so much lighter tonight than I have all week that I should take advantage of my mental health and study.

"Sounds good. Come back on the weekend if you can."

My dad is clingy now. He's going to try to keep me close which is another way he's telling me he loves me.

"I will."

I give him another hug, tell Sawyer goodbye and grab my bag to leave. Mom walks me to the door.

"Do you want me to make the appointment or would you like to call?"

"I'll do it. You don't have my schedule in front of you. It's easier for me to call."

"Let me know if you want me to go with you. I want to support you but not smother you. You take the lead and I'll follow."

"Thanks, Mom." We hug goodbye, a long one, and I get in my car to leave. Mom watches as I drive away. When I check the rearview mirror, I see my dad has joined her. The two of them are such good role models. I want to be a parent like they've been to me. I want a relationship like theirs. Maybe someday...

I thought I'd have that with Matt. We were on that path. I know we were. Life got in the way. I start to make a plan. Tomorrow I'll call the doctor and set up an appointment. Then I'll call Jeff and get his help tracking down Matt. It has to be tomorrow. I can't wait another day. I'll go wherever he is and tell him we need to talk. I'll just say it as quickly as possible. I won't ask him how he's been. I won't look at him too closely. If I do, my heart might break again. I can't have any expectations. I can't hope that he'll want to work things out with me, or even to be in this baby's life. I just pray that he won't be angry about everything. He was a little irrational and cold the last time we talked. I have to expect he'll still be that way. Prepare myself for the worst.

This line of thought is depressing. I need to think of something else to turn my mood around.

Instead, I think about how my parents handled life when Sawyer came into it. They knew the statistics. Parents whose children have special needs tend to break up. My parents chose to cling to each other rather than blame each other. It gave our family a firm foundation even in the face of difficult times.

These thoughts fill my mind on the drive back to school. I'm still remembering everything our family has come through when I get there and start the walk to my room. It's probably why I'm distracted enough that I don't notice the roar of an engine right away. It isn't until I reach for the door handle that the sound registers. It's loud, shockingly so. I flip around and see a white Audi skid to a stop. The driver side door opens and Matt jumps out.

"Hannah!"

Before I can make sense of anything that's happening, he's running to me, calling my name.

"Hannah! Wait!"

I'm frozen in place. Have been since I realized Matt is here. He doesn't need to tell me to wait because I couldn't make my feet move if I wanted to. He's standing in front of me and staring right at me, a look in his eyes I don't recognize. I feel like I'm in a dream. Unless this becomes a nightmare. I swallow realizing I have to tell him. Now. I wasn't prepared for this yet. I open my mouth to speak.

But we both say the same thing at the same time.

"We need to talk."

The four most dreaded words to utter regarding a relationship- we need to talk. And they both said it! It's not going to be easy to navigate this mine field but I think they are on the last few steps to safety. Am I making any sense? The school week has worn me out. Plus we got a puppy! She's the cutest thing but so much work.

Matt and Hannah are headed in the right direction there's about six more chapters to go in their story. The beats are different in this one, which I'll explain when I get to my behind the scenes section but until then, keep guessing!

Thanks for reading and giving Matt a chance even though he's been a huge pain in the past. I hope I've redeemed him!

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