I think I'm Paranoid // Garbage

I wake up disoriented. I hate naps because I'm always confused when I wake up, not remembering what day or time it is. But I've napped more since Matt and I separated than ever before. Breaking up has messed me up and I can't seem to get it together.

"What time is it?" I ask Morgan as she returns to our dorm from her workout. I haven't had enough energy to keep up on my workouts. That needs to change.

"Its four. You've been asleep this entire time? I left at two. How will you sleep tonight?"

"No problems there. All I want to do is sleep lately." Kyra says depression will do that to a person. I wish that was all it did. My appetite sucks, too. Still.

I push the blankets back and get out of bed. I don't feel right. It's starting to get on my nerves. I just want to get back to normal, move passed the heartbreak. I grab my water bottle and take a drink. My mouth is dry. But as soon as the water hits my throat, I gag.

"Shit." I cover my mouth and run to the bathroom. Having a weak stomach while living in a dorm sucks. I'm always worried I won't make it and have a mess to clean up. Embarrassing and gross.

When I get back to the dorm, Morgan gives me a look from her spot at the desk.

"What?"

"I can't believe you're still sick over Matt. You have the weakest stomach of anyone I've ever met." Morgan shakes her head and returns to her textbook. "What the hell are you going to do when you get pregnant. That's gonna be hell."

I freeze.

My silence must grab Morgan's attention because she turns her head back to look at me.

"Oh my gosh, you're white as a ghost. What the hell, Hannah?" She hops up from her chair and rushes over to me.

"It can't be." I look at my roommate with wide eyes. This must be what shock feels like.

"What?"

"I think I'm pregnant." Just saying the words makes my stomach lurch so I cover my mouth again. Morgan grabs the trash can and thrusts it at me.

"Why do you think that?"

"I'm constantly tired. I've been sick so much, no appetite. And a few weeks ago, I was super dizzy. My cycle is all off." Which I thought had something to do with my emotional state. Matt and I have been apart for just over a month. But the last time we were together was six weeks ago, the night he came home. The last time he was the Matt I know. "We didn't use protection but I'm on the pill."

Morgan rubs my back as I start to cry. "Well, it's not confirmed yet. Let's at least get a test before you freak out."

I nod while feeling my entire world start to crumble. I can't go to the extreme yet. I've always been sensitive to things, easily sick or nauseous.

"Oh my god. The antibiotics."

"Which ones?"

I sit on the bed and lean over the trash can. "I was on antibiotics a couple of months ago. They mess with the pill. I totally forgot. The pharmacist said something when I got my prescription because she saw I was on the pill. But that night..." I wasn't thinking about any of that. I just needed to be there for Matt.

"Like I said, don't borrow trouble. Let's run to the drug store and grab a test. Then you can figure out what to do next."

I put shoes on and follow Morgan to her car. We go through the motions of choosing a couple of different tests and return to the dorms to find out my fate.

By the time the results show up, I'm not surprised. I already knew what both tests would say.

I'm going to have Matt's baby.

***

Morgan left to grab dinner, but I couldn't gather enough strength to go. I need to wallow for a while. I need to think. I don't know what to do, what to tell my family. My coach. What will happen to my scholarship? I won't be able to play soccer this season. I feel everything slipping away.

Morgan's first words when we saw the pink lines were to ask if I was going to think about keeping it.

I didn't say anything because I could tell she already had her opinions. But I've got strong reasons for mine. My sister for one. I'll explain to her later and hope she respects my choices.

There's a knock on the door. Even this many weeks later, I feel the strong sense of nerves that it could be Matt wanting back in my life. I shouldn't hope for that, not anymore, but I do. I don't blame him for going off the rails right now. I wish he'd let me stand by him, but I do understand why he's struggling.

I open the door to find Jeff on the other side. My soul deflates a little. I guess I was hoping the universe would bring us back together at this pivotal moment. We've created a life together.

"Hey," Jeff says as he steps inside. "You look like shit."

I scoff. "Thanks. Don't hold back your real feelings."

"Never have." He pulls out a desk chair and takes a seat. "I didn't see you at dinner, so I came by to see how you're doing."

What a loaded question. I don't want to tell Jeff before I tell Matt, or my family. It's bad enough that Morgan knows, but she won't run blabbing it to anyone. Jeff might. It would be out of love and concern, but I don't need him spilling this for me. I need to do it in my time.

"I've definitely been better." It's the most truthful answer I'm willing to give.

"I'm going to say something that might piss you off, but I've held off long enough so I'm just gonna put it out there."

"Okay." I say it with caution.

"Remember when we went to Salt Creek with the family and you were asking about Matt?"

"Yeah. You warned me about him." I guess I should have listened.

"True. But you and Kyra also made a key point. He and Pete had gotten into a fight and the two of you figured out it was over a girl."

"I remember."

"And you were right. Matt had been really territorial about her. It ruined their friendship. But what I didn't tell you was how he was when he was with Amber."

"How was he?" Matt's told me how he'd acted. I saw some of it first-hand when I met him, but even at that point he'd started questioning who he was.

"He was a massive dick. I had no influence on him at the time. He was an island, running the show. Little by little, he started learning the hard way that who he was didn't make him happy. His exact words were that nothing in his life was okay. He was ready to be a different guy."

"And here we are back to square one. He's that guy again."

"No, Hannah. He's not. He pulled away because he didn't want to do that to you. You've got to see that's different than before, don't you?"

I nod. I can see that. I understand it. But knowing why he'd doing this to us doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Especially now that a new life is involved.

"What I'm trying to say is that Matt is working out his shit. We just need to give him time and space. I really believe he'll be back."

As Jeff was finishing his speech, Morgan came back into the room.

"That boy better hurry up and get his shit right. He's on deadline now."

"Morgan!" I give her the 'shut the hell up' look. Now my nerves are on high alert because Jeff picks up on innuendo easily.

"What deadline?" He asks, looking between Morgan and myself. Perfect. He won't let this die, I'm sure.

"Nothing."

Jeff looks at Morgan. "What are you talking about?"

She throws her hands up. "I'm out. I'll be back before curfew." Then she leaves me to clean up this mess. Kyra would never.

I put my head in my hands. I need support. Jeff knows my family, my history. He'll understand my choice and I don't think he'll judge me for it. I need to talk to someone.

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

"Wha-what? Since when?"

"Since now. I just found out today. Morgan was with me, but no one else knows, yet." I look up and grab his hands. "Jeff, you can't tell anyone. You can't tell him."

He stands up, starting to pace the small room. "But...when? You've been apart for, what, a month?"

"Six weeks. It was the last time. I'm sure I'm at the very beginning stages."

He stops pacing and looks at me. "Are you going to keep it? Are you going to tell Matt?"

"Of course, I'm going to tell him. I don't know when, but I will. And yes, I'm keeping the baby." I look at Jeff. He looks back at me. He's got to know why. He was there with my sister, when the diagnosis of autism was finally made. She was two and my mom had known something wasn't right, but it took a long time to find out what.

Then the comments came at us.

"I bet you'd have terminated if there was a prenatal test for this stuff..."

"Too bad you didn't know ahead of time. It could have saved your family from dealing with this."

"What kind of life will she have?"

We lost a lot of friends who didn't understand why saying those things wasn't okay. Sawyer has changed our family for the better. Yes, life is different, more purposeful, with Sawyer in it. But she's my sister. She deserves a good life, too.

I know from experience that the unexpected isn't always terrible. We didn't expect Sawyer to have the challenges she has but she makes our life better. It will be the same with this baby. I still love Matt, even though he can't be who I need right now. His child, our child, deserves to have a happy life, too.

Jeff sits back down, taking my hand in his. "What can I do?"

I squeeze his hand back. "You're doing it."

It's the first bit of happy I've felt in weeks. No matter what, I'm going to be okay.

***

A week since finding out my entire life is about to change, and I still haven't told anyone else. Not for lack of trying. I've texted Matt, called him and been sent straight to voicemail, even hinted around to Shelly that I need to talk to him. Nothing. No reply, no response. Total silence.

To say I'm disappointed in him is an understatement. But I'm not surprised. He's shut me out for more reasons than I probably know. He has no idea that things have changed, drastically. He can't possibly have a clue what I need to tell him. Short of showing up at his house or stalking him around campus, I'm not sure what to do. I don't think I can handle seeing him dismiss me in person. Not yet. And based on his current cold shoulder, I would absolutely expect to be dismissed.

The dilemma.

My phone rings as I'm walking from class to my dorm. I stop immediately and check the caller ID, seeing with disappointment that it's Jeff, not Matt.

"Hey." I answer on the second ring.

"Hey. Just checking in. Has he called back yet?"

"No and I'm starting to get desperate. I think I'm going to have to become that girl. The one who shows up at practice and spills the beans in front of the team. The psycho ex that the guys laugh at in the locker room."

"Nah, no one will laugh at you. And you don't need to do that. We'll figure it out."

"We? I appreciate the support, but I can't ask you to get involved. I think you've done enough already." I cringe at the bitterness in my tone. I don't mean to take my frustrations out on my cousin. He's been my rock this week. But he's also the only person in firing range right now and I can't hold back much longer.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I guess he picked up on my aggression.

"Why did you give him my number?"

"Are you kidding me? Is this your way of blaming me?"

"If the shoe fits." I'm being unreasonable but I can't hold my tongue.

"The shoe doesn't fucking fit. You can't possibly think that!"

"I don't know what to think. I'm starting to lose my shit." The admission is what turns the tide. Tears well and spill over. I start walking again, keeping my head down and wiping tears away with my free hand.

Jeff is quiet for a minute and I try to control the emotions. Out of control emotions. I've kept a lid on them for a week and I can't do it anymore.

"I wanted to tell him first. Before I disappoint my family. I was hoping...ah shit. Never mind what I was hoping. It's a fantasy that won't come true."

"It's the fantasy that kills. You can't choose who you love and sometimes the heart makes a decision for you that you can't take back, no matter how much it hurts you in the end." Jeff speaks quietly. I get the sense he's talking to himself more than he's talking to me.

"Jeff...I don't understand."

I hear him sigh, then curse. "Fuck it." Silence. "I fell in love. But the girl I love is someone I can't have. Not yet. And I don't know if she'll wait until we can be together." His voice starts to waiver. "And it's killing everything inside of me to not be with her."

"Oh god, Jeff."

"It's okay. I'm dealing. But Hannah, its different for you and Matt."

"Not from where I'm standing."

"I know. I get it. I'm here for you. Just keep telling me what you need, what's going on in your head."

"Thanks, Jeff. For everything."

We end the call and I text Matt again, praying that he'll have a change of heart and be willing to talk to me.

And the twist I've had in my back pocket for six months is finally here... Did any of you see this coming? If you look at the tags I have for this book, pregnancy is one of them. I'd love to know if any of the hints I dropped clued you in, if this felt like left field or if you were surprised but can look back and see the progression.

ALSO - MUSIC IS ON POINT THIS WEEK! I've added a bunch of new songs to the playlist and they are a much better reflection of the mood. Garbage, the band, feels like Hannah in general. A little angsty, a little grungy, a little angry girl-ish, pretty much Hannah to a tee.

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Broken Lullaby is now available on Amazon and in Kindle Unlimited!!