(a/n: i wrote angst for virgil, declan, and patton so now it's roman time because he's more than just the love interest ayo)

Roman was lucky he was playing the role of a short insomniac, because the deep exhaustion shown in his face after it was clear he'd just finished crying added to the character.

He loves you. He just isn't ready, and you can wait.

He's lying out of pity.

He loves you.

He still loves Declan.

Everybody loves you.

Maybe nobody does.

During intermission, after he changed his costume, he sat in his dressing room, pretending to do something on his phone to avoid speaking to Virgil.

He wasn't new to unrequited love. But this was something else.

Virgil said he loved him, so why did his heart still ache?

All his life, Roman felt like he wasn't enough, and every time he got rejected, it cracked his fragile heart just a bit more, until it came to... this.

Now that it was shattered, he doubted he could put it back together. It was an impossible jigsaw puzzle, one with too many pieces.

The only thing that kept him smiling was reminding himself that insecurity is unattractive.

With ten minutes until act two, Virgil anxiously tapped on Roman's shoulder. "A-Are you okay?"

"Of course!" Roman stood up defensively, and positioned his mouth in a way that didn't transfer to his bloodshot, tired eyes.

"No, you're not."

Roman scoffed. "You're right! No! I'm really not!"

"Roman!" Virgil exclaimed, grateful their mics were off backstage. "I'm sorry I can't be with you. I really am."

"It's not that!"

It was truly sad how hard Roman tried to hold it together, and how he couldn't keep his streak.

Everybody hates you.

Everybody hates you.

Everybody hates you.

You're jealous of someone who's dead. That's how pathetic you are.

No wonder why your Mom left you.

No wonder why nobody loves you back.

♡

"Roman, can you hear me?"

It was Logan.

Opening Roman's eyes felt like his eyelids were glued together. He rubbed them until he was fully awake. "Um, yes?" he replied.

A cold, wet towel was set on his forehead.

"What happened?" he asked groggily. His entire body was hot and he became embarrassed when he saw the whole cast looking down at him with worried looks.

"You unfortunately passed out during intermission. Virgil alerted us that you fell onto the floor in your dressing room mid-conversation," Logan said. "Thankfully, he put his hand under your head before you fell, so you have no head injuries from this."

"Wh- Then how did you continue the show?! I had to open the second act!"

Logan put his hand on Roman's chest and his other hand on Roman's forehead to keep the towel in place. "Deep breaths, Roman. You don't want to burn up any more than you already have."

The flushed actor sighed.

He felt more helpless than he had in years.

♡

"Take as much time off as you need," Logan said as they left the theater. "You seem like you're going through a rough time. I apologize for not realizing how serious this was for you."

"I don't need time off," Roman insisted. "I need to prove myself. We halted the performance yesterday because I was weak, and I can't let that happen again. There are fans excited to see me, and why wouldn't they be? I can't fail them."

"Ah, yes. But you can't fail yourself either. Take at least one day and let me know how you feel."

"I can't possibly do that!"

"I may be a frigid bitch on some occasions, but I'm a smart frigid bitch on all occasions. It would be inconsiderate of me to not take into account your mental state. After everything that's happened since the rehearsal process, I believe everybody is a bit dazed. You may not think so, but I do care about you. I'm sure the fans will understand."

His voice was as smooth as butter, and didn't contain all the sharp edges to it like it normally did. Patton really did a number on the man.

Roman groaned. "Fine," he finally grumbled.

"Good. See you in two days. Get some rest. Also, tell your roommate to shut the fuck up. I can hear him one apartment building away. I was hoping he'd be coming back much later."

And Logan was back to normal.

Roman let his shoulders rid of their tension and said, "I'll be sure to let Remy know. Good night. And thank you."

He nodded a goodbye and started to walk away, but Logan held his hand up and told him, "And, Roman?"

"Hm?"

"You haven't failed anyone. I hope you know that. You are an incredible performer, and we wouldn't be able to do this without your expertise. Now, I despise complimenting people, and I rarely do so. So you should be thankful I don't hate you as much as that fucking Iliana Reid who doesn't know how to control the volume on the fucking mics."

Logan tone was snide as it usually was, but he gave Roman a genuine smile. Roman chuckled. "I appreciate it. Also, I hate Iliana too. You aren't alone there."

"Her name with forever have a 'fucking' right before it," the director joked. "Now, actually, goodbye. I hope you're feeling better soon."

Roman took a deep breath until the tranquil, cool air he inhaled took effect in easing his mind. "Thank you. Goodbye."

Once he couldn't see Logan anymore, he stared up at the sky, still a bit dizzy before getting into his car. He knew his mother would laugh in his face if she could see him like this, but he prayed his father was watching him, possibly sitting on a star with binoculars.

He couldn't start driving. He could barely put in the key.

So he sat back and closed his eyes, and smiled at the thought of what his father would say if he was here knowing his son was on Broadway.

But as per usual, happiness brought heartache, and he could almost hear that building in the distance explode.

He didn't know how he remembered, since he was only four years old on September 11th, 2001.

♡

*tw: mentions of Tourette syndrome/tics*

Virgil wasn't sure if he should tell Patton about everything that had happened between him and Roman, but when he saw Patton so happy about his first romantic kiss with Logan, he shut up.

Patton was shaking in excitement, his hands becoming very fidgety.

Virgil cheered him on, ignoring the bubbling feeling of sadness in his heart trying to drag him to Roman's apartment.

They spent the rest of the long night cuddled on the couch, laughing and talking about Patton and Logan. Virgil found his mind temporarily removing thoughts of Roman, and for a few hours, it was peaceful.

"Have you been writing anything recently?" Virgil asked.

"Yep! In the notebook Logan gave me." Patton started to reach for it but it jerked in a different direction and he let out a yelp. "Fuck, sorry."

"Look at me."

Patton followed what Virgil told him.

"Would you say sorry about having brown hair? Or that your eyes are too blue-gray?"

"Uh, no."

"Can you control those things?"

"No." Patton scratched the back of his neck.

"Are they hurting anyone?"

"I hope not!"

"They aren't. So then why are you sorry for this?" He gestured to the arm Patton used to reach out.

"It's so..." Patton mumbled, "weird. I dunno, Virge. I don't want people thinking I'm rude for swearing for no reason or I act like a toddler or whatever."

"Being self deprecating is my thing, dude. You're the kindest person I've ever met. For real. If people can't see that past your Tourette's, they're dumb as shit."

Patton laughed sadly. "Thanks... Wanna make popcorn?"

"Fuck yeah."

When the popcorn was done, Patton poured it into a clear bowl and offered the first handful to Virgil.

"Patton?"

"Yep?"

Virgil reached his hand into the bowl, took some popcorn, and shoved it into his mouth. "I love you."

"I love you more," Patton giggled.

Those three words were easy for Virgil to say to Patton. So why was it so hard to say them to Roman without fucking everything up?