NESSA

I'm so sorry, Adler. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I've been trying so goddamn hard to get back to you. I was stuck, though. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't. I couldn't get to you before, but now I can.

So let me know when you're ready, and I'll be there. I'll be there in an instant.

Wilder

--

Being at home was worse than being on campus.

I hadn't stayed in touch with any friends from Patterson, and my family was a constant buzz of activity, often leaving me...alone. Wasn't much of a surprise, but definitely a pain in the ass. There was nothing to distract me from the constant question on my mind: what the hell had Grayson been about to say?

After reading his note, I choked on my tears again and ran out into the hallway. But it was too late. He was gone.

Again.

Regret. Instant regret that I hadn't let him finish whatever it is he wanted to say. I was just so mad, though. That he walked up like that and expected things to go back to the way they were before. That he believed there was some excuse that justified ignoring me for so goddamn long.

And now, once again, Grayson was the only thing I could think about. Being at home hadn't changed that one bit. At least on campus I had other things to fill my mind. Like classes.

So after a few weeks at home, I packed up my things and headed back to Oakland to enroll in a last-minute summer course: The History of Music.

When I sat in the performing arts center on the first day, I didn't know what to expect. But it definitely wasn't the captain of the football team plopping down next to me in the lecture hall.

"Ah, a familiar face," he said, sinking into the seat with a friendly smile. He had on athletic shorts and an OSU football tee that I recognized from Grayson's closet.

I stiffened.

"Julian," I said, acknowledging him with a tense nod. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"I've been putting off my performing arts general credit for years. If I wanna graduate on time next year, I had to get it done." He shrugged before raising a brow at me. "Nice of you not to run away from me this time."

"Not like I have a lot of options. I'm pretty sure that class is about to start," I muttered.

And then it did, our curly-haired professor giving a run-down on the syllabus for the four-week course. It looked like it involved way more reading than I had expected, but a flip through the textbook told me it would be more interesting than my biology homework from last semester, at least.

As soon as Dr. Joy dismissed us, I started to pack up my stuff. I took my time with it because my brain had once again wandered to a piano-playing football star. And I was debating if I should ask Julian for help.

I needed to know what Grayson had been going to say that day. Even if it was just an excuse, I craved hearing it. An excuse was better than none. Better than not caring at all. And hearing Grayson say an excuse was better than not hearing Grayson at all.

When I turned to look at Julian, he was already staring at me. Like he'd known I wanted to ask something.

"Can I.." I paused, zipping up my backpack and clearing my throat. "Do you have Grayson's new number? I was hoping to call him."

Julian cocked his head to the side and pulled out his phone without looking at it.

"You don't have it?"

"I... don't, no."

My answer only made Julian's head cock further to the side. A frown pulled on his lips. So I added, "I haven't seen Grayson since the day he moved out of the dorms. Haven't talked to him since then, either."

That didn't clear up Julian's confusion.

"What?"

I stood, swinging my backpack over my shoulder and wishing I hadn't brought up Grayson at all. "After I didn't hear from him the entire second half of spring semester, I wasn't exactly eager to stay in touch. But now I...." I sighed. "It's fine. You don't need to give it to me."

Julian pushed up from his chair, moving one limb at a time. Like I'd pressed a button and dialed down the speed into slow motion.

"Nessa..." He shook his head and swore beneath his breath. "Goddamnit, do you still not know?"

A thrum of anxiety went through me. "Know?"

"Do you not know why you didn't hear from him?"

My throat dried, and I tried to swallow past it. 

"I should have done more," Julian said ruefully before I could reply, closing his eyes for a second. "To chase you down even though you were clearly avoiding me. I mean, at first, I thought you ran away from me because you just didn't want to talk about it."

I scoffed. "I didn't want to talk about it. It was hard enough that Grayson suddenly moved on and had no interest in talking to me. Didn't really want to talk to his friends about it, too."

Julian swore under this breath and then continued what he'd been saying as if I hadn't said a word. He looked briefly to the ceiling, mumbling. "And then when I found out you didn't know, you were still avoiding me. But I figured Gray would have told you when he came back. Jesus Christ, didn't he tell you?"

Words failed me, my mouth opening and closing.

Julian stepped toward me, his gaze intently locked with mine now. He was close enough that I could see every one of his freckles. "When you saw Grayson on the day he moved out, what did he say?"

I shrugged, feigning nonchalance even though I'd replayed that conversation over and over in my head. Even though I second-guessing it right now. "He tried to say he could explain why he hadn't bothered to return a single text for over a—"

"He can explain."

Julian spit the words out so fast, I had to ask him to repeat himself to make sure I heard right.

"What?"

"Fuck, he can explain."

Blinking at Julian, I felt the anxiousness rise in my stomach again. Suddenly I knew that whatever Julian was about to say would destroy me. Dread trickled down, and then it blossomed into a feeling far worse. I was free-falling on that Great America rollercoaster Rory loved, and someone had just screamed that the breaks were broken.

"Nessa, he was in a coma."

I stood there, stunned. A wave of nausea hit me, and I had to swallow hard to keep from losing my lunch. Blinking, I took in the serious expression on Julian's face. His worried eyes and tensely set mouth. He was serious. He was serious, and that meant...

"No," I said, shaking my head.

Julian looked like he was in physical pain. He nodded and lowered his voice.

"Yeah, he was."

"That can't...no." I kept shaking my head, refusing to believe that Grayson had been lying in the hospital, and I had no idea.

Julian's sympathetic eyes traced my face. "You know how Gray was born with a heart defect?"

"A heart defect?" Sucking in another sharp breath, I reached out to grab ahold of something, and Julian caught my wrist. He snaked his hand up my arm until he rested it on my shoulder, steadying me. His face told me that he was hesitant to keep talking, but now that he'd started, I needed him to finish. I needed to know. "Tell me," I said, choking down a sob.

"Shit, I don't know. I should probably let Gray be the one to—"

"Tell me," I repeated through gritted teeth.

After a reluctant nod, Julian continued. "He was born with this thing called...god, I don't remember. It's a long-ass word. But basically, something about his aorta was messed up. They fixed it, though, when he was a kid. But it's the kind of thing he's always had to keep an eye on. The kind of thing that can come back."

"It came back?"

Julian nodded, giving my shoulder an encouraging squeeze. But it did nothing to prepare me for the truth.

"It caused a stroke, Nessa. He had a stroke, big enough that he fell into a coma."

The room spun around me, and nausea rose in my throat again. No...this wasn't possible. Grayson was an athlete. He was healthy and strong and had more abs than any man I'd ever met. The thought of him being sick like that had never even crossed my mind.

"When?" I managed to gasp.

"Within five minutes after coming home for spring break."

I clapped my hand over my mouth, shaking my head again. Another sob tried to escape me, and this time I let it. Spinning on my heel, I raced down the row of chairs in the lecture hall.

"Nessa!" Julian called. I heard him running after me. "Fuck, where are you going?"

I twisted to look back at him without slowing down. I needed to—I needed to go. "I'm meeting a friend at The Grounds. It's a coffee shop right off campus. I have to—oh my god."

I doubled over, leaning against the classroom wall as I tried to catch a breath I wouldn't find. The lecture hall had cleared by now, and the emptiness meant that my cries echoed in the vacant chamber. Julian came up behind me, resting a gentle hand on my back.

"Come on, let me walk with you."

When I shook my head, he insisted.

"Gray would kick my ass if I let you walk away crying after spilling all his secrets. Let's go."

"This can't...this can't be real."

I whispered the words, talking to the cold wall and squeezing my eyes shut to wish away the truth. I pressed my forehead against the brick, using it like an ice pack on a bruise. It didn't take the pain away, only dulled it.

Julian's hand rubbed my back in soothing circles. "He's okay now. Still recovering a bit, but he's fine. I promise."

"I fucked up," I said through my tears. So many goddamn tears lately. "I should have let him explain. I should have given him a chance to explain."

"He'll forgive you."

"How do you know?"

He sounded so sure. How could he be so sure?

"Because you're all he wants, Nessa." There was a slight pause. "Now, show me where this coffee shop is."

****

Bren was sitting at a table in the back when Julian and I walked into The Grounds.

When he saw me approaching with tears in my eyes, he shot out of his seat and glared at Julian behind me.

"Oh, fuck," Julian swore in my ear as soon as Bren's gaze landed on him. "Not this guy."

I sniffed, glancing back at him. "You know Bren?"

"He brought a goddamn gun to my captain's practice one time."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "He's harmless, I promise. Unless you mess with his girlfriend."

"Wouldn't fucking dream of it." Still, Julian seemed eager to be on his way. I wasn't surprised when he added, "If you're good, I'm gonna head out. Okay?"

With a slight smile, I told him he could go.

Bren was here today to talk to our manager about getting his job back. Considering the last time he had a shift, he jumped over the counter and ran out of the cafe to never look back...he didn't have high hopes.

But the manager was also my cousin's best friend, and I'd known him for a long time. I was able to give him some of Bren's backstory before he came by today to grovel.

Bren and Madie were spending the summer together in Fresno, but both of them would be coming back in the fall to live off-campus in their own apartment. Madie still had her job here; the cafe was used to college kids leaving over the summer. But Bren had to do a bit more to secure his position.

I couldn't tell by the look on his face if the conversation went well, though, because he was too busy scrutinizing my red and puffy eyes.

"What the hell happened?"

Not wasting any time, I said, "I need you to drive me to Modesto on your way back to Fresno."

"Why?"

"I'll tell you about it in the car."

I spun back around. Desperate. I was desperate to get to Grayson as fast as possible.

"Oh, you mean like right now." I heard the surprise in Bren's voice and his chair scraping against the hardwood flooring. "Coming!"

The second time processing what Julian told me hurt more. Bren swore repeatedly when I relayed it and then pressed down on the gas.

When we pulled up to the address I'd gotten from Julian, I froze in the front seat. I didn't know what I would say or how he would act, but all I wanted was to see Grayson. I needed to look at him with my own eyes and see he was alright.

I wiped at my face, but I knew it was no use. I was a mess. Had been for nearly two months.

"I'll wait for you out here," Bren said gently, putting his Mustang into park. We rode with the top down on the way here—another reason I was a mess. My hair had fallen out of my messy bun in thick strands, and my cheeks were windblown. Pink but not in a cute way.

The tempo in my chest was out of control. A melody stuck in presto, and I needed Grayson to steady me.

Nodding, I took a deep breath and got out of the car.

And then, for the second time, I got the courage to knock on Grayson's door.

Only this time, he answered.

💗

thanks for not giving up on me or nessa or grayson
xoxoxoxoxo