NESSA

"Leave me alone."

"Oh, come on." Jack inched toward me, and I took a step back, running into the kitchen counter. "Thought we could head upstairs. Maybe watch some more Game of Thrones?"

"You thought we could go upstairs? Why would you ever think that?" I looked him up and down, noticing how the buttons on his flannel weren't lined up correctly. One side of his shirt was way shorter than the other. "Do you remember the last time you saw me? You called me a bitch, Jack."

He'd gotten a nose piercing some time in the last few months since I talked with him outside of Julian's house. It looked infected and crusty as he scrunched up his face, trying to remember.

"Yeah," he scoffed, "because you blew me off and shoved your tongue down some football player's throat."

I swallowed, trying to push away the pain that came whenever I thought about kissing Grayson.

"Where's he at now?"

Like hell if I knew.

Jack did a quick search around the room. Part of me wanted to tell him not to bother. Grayson wasn't here.

Grayson wasn't anywhere.

I looked around as well, trying to find my friends. We finished our finals this morning, and tonight was our celebration. The last day of freshman year. Bren was here again, planning to take Madie back to Fresno with him tomorrow. We were all heading out tomorrow. Parting ways for the summer.

"He must be out of the picture, huh?" Jack persisted when I didn't answer him. He shifted closer to me, and I moved my hand away when I felt his fingers graze my arm. This was what I got for wandering into the kitchen to get a refill before all the booze ran out. I should have stayed in the living room, where it was safer. Less secluded.

Looking back at Jack, I took a swig of my drink and let the whiskey burn in my throat. "You could say that."

When Jack opened his mouth to respond, I cut him off.

"But no, I don't want to go up to your room. Excuse me."

He rolled his eyes, and I could tell he wasn't going to get out of my way. His lips parted to say something. Luckily, though, he was quickly cut off a second time when Beau sidled up next to me. I breathed out in relief.

"There you are, baby girl," he said, throwing an arm around my shoulders with his usual giant smile. He winked.

I grinned back at him. Batted my eyelashes a bit for effect. Ignored the pesky reminder in the back of my mind that Beau wasn't the first guy I'd pretended to flirt with. Goddamnit. All I wanted was to go one day without thinking of Grayson. But he was everywhere. At every party and every class and dorm room. It was almost a relief to be leaving campus soon.

"Ready to get out of here?" I managed to ask Beau.

He nodded. "Yep, that's why I was coming to get you."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jack's mouth thin in irritation. But he stepped aside anyway, and I followed Beau to where Madie and Bren were waiting. And by waiting, I meant that they were making out against the side of the house.

Beau threw his hat at them, and they broke apart, ridiculous smiles on their faces. "You're gonna be back in your room in like five minutes," Beau scolded, bending down to swipe his hat up off the ground. "Just hold your goddamn horses."

Laughing, Bren knocked Beau's shoulder. "Been holding my horses all week long, man."

I could see the happiness on Bren's face tonight. This past week was the last one he'd have to spend apart from Madie in a long time.

We strode through the night, letting the early summer air stick to our skin. The stars fought through the light pollution, and I saw a few faint constellations. My friends laughed, and a sort of hopefulness emanated from Bren as he smiled in the dark. I held onto it.

I wasn't sure he'd ever had any hope before. And if Bren Hadaway had found something to believe in, I knew that I could, too.

****

I didn't know what exactly to believe in, but it wasn't myself. I'd barely scraped by the last few weeks. With my classes, my friends, my family—I felt like I only gave the littlest bit of me. It was all I could seem to manage, and guilt sank into me because of it. I just wasn't that great of a person.

If I were a better person, I wouldn't be crying about how Madie just drove off with Bren for the last time. I hated that I probably wouldn't see their faces again until the fall.

If I were a better person, I wouldn't be internally cursing them for being so goddamn happy and in love, even though I knew how much they'd been through. And they deserved it more than any couple out there.

If I were a better person, I'd be happier. I should be happier. It was summer break, after all. I was heading home to see my family in Patterson. Bren and Madie were off to live in Fresno. And Beau had already retreated back to his palace.

No, really. I'd seen pictures of his house. A palace.

I turned to walk inside the dorms again, needing to haul one more bag downstairs before my parents arrived to pick me up. At this point, I just wanted to be able to throw all of my shit in the car and go.

"Nessa?"

I froze. I didn't take another step, but if my heart had legs, they would be tripping over themselves right now. I knew that voice. I'd imagined hearing that voice for so many days, so many nights. But I wasn't strong enough or happy enough to be able to look at the face that belonged to that voice. Not now.

I kept walking.

Away from him.

"Nessa, stop!"

Nope, not gonna happen. Ain't no chance in hell that I could look Grayson Everett in the face without crying after so many weeks had gone by without seeing him.

"Wednesday!"

A chord, dissonant and ugly, struck inside me. Because there was a really short amount of time there where he'd actually made me like my name.

Not anymore.

"Don't you dare call me that," I snapped, whirling to face him.

His blue-gray eyes caught on mine, and I internally groaned. His jaw tensed, his hands shoved in his pockets. I balled my own hands into fists because I felt the tremor in my fingers. My throat constricted, those tears threatening to unload. He was here. He was really here. Why the fuck did he have to look so good?

Grayson strode purposefully toward me, his eyes never leaving mine. Always purposeful. Like he had somewhere to be all the time, and the world revolved around him. Today he wore a plain sweatshirt and jeans, unusually casual.

"You know I hate being called Wednesday."

"I also knew you'd turn around if I said it."

I scowled. "You're the worst."

Grayson nodded as though he'd expected me to say that. His nonchalance made me want to punch him.

"You know, I love your name," he said, shrugging. His voice was softer, quieter than usual. Lacking a bit of that cockiness he always carried.

My scowl deepened. "Full names like Madeline are cute. Wednesday is the day of the week you have dentist appointments."

And with that, I spun on my heel.

"Please, Nessa," Grayson said, and it tugged at the strings of my heart. But then he added, "Wait."

Seriously? He had nerve. I'd give him that. But so did I. And so I turned to face him once more—one last time—and told him what I thought about waiting.

"Oh, I've been waiting, Grayson Everett. I've been waiting. For a call, for a text, for a goddamn letter in the mail. Pigeon carrier. I literally would have taken anything as a form of communication. And now you walk up here on the last day of school and have the audacity to ask me to wait?"

He closed the space between us, arm outstretched. "Ness—"

"No," I said, swatting his hand away. And then I poked him in the chest. God, it was all hard and muscly, and that made me even madder for some reason. I huffed. "Don't touch me." I lowered my voice, poking him in the chest again. "We had a deal, and you went back on it. You don't get to touch me, Grayson. Not anymore."

"The deal is off. Remember, Nessa?"

"I remember that you made me a goddamn promise," I hissed, "that you wouldn't hurt me if I let you in. And now what? Shit, I even—"

I sucked in a breath, glancing away as I tried to pull myself together. But it was too much all at once. Too many emotions, too many feelings. I watched cars pass on the street in front of us, people going about their days.

"You even what?" I heard Grayson ask, his voice hard.

I shook my head without looking at him. "Nothing."

"Nessa, I need you to finish that sentence."

Gritting my teeth so hard that it hurt, I closed my eyes. He needed me to finish that sentence, huh? Well, it was taking everything in me not to yell how much I needed him. I needed this stupid, annoying man. I needed him next to me in Western Civ lectures and at parties when guys didn't know how to take no for an answer. I needed him to listen to me sing and tell me that I should do it more often. I needed him. To kiss me when I cried and hold me when I smiled.

I needed him, and he wasn't there.

But I didn't say any of that.

Forcing myself to talk through my clenched jaw, I looked Grayson square in the eye. "You don't get to demand words from me when you haven't given me a single one for weeks."

He blanched before choking out, "I've been trying."

"Well, you should have tried harder."

"My phone broke," he said, taking a step into me. I sucked in a breath at his closeness. The sensation of his chest nearly grazing mine. The smell of his spicy cologne. The way I could feel his breath on my skin. "I didn't have your number. And you kept running away from Julian. And I can't even fucking find you on social media."

"I blocked you," I admitted.

Because I couldn't stop myself from obsessively checking his accounts for updates. He didn't need to know that, though.

I put a hand on Grayson's chest to force him back a step. He moved away but then frowned and pressed his hand into mine. Pushing it into the muscled wall, sliding it up. Until our hands were over his heart.

Would it be acceptable to scream?

I tugged my hand away.

Grayson tried reaching for me again, but I backed away. My eyes started to burn with unshed tears. Why was he acting like this? Like it hadn't been six weeks since he'd dropped me off at my house without another word?

"Where the hell have you been?" I cried, and my voice cracked embarrassingly on the last word. Clamping my mouth shut, I tried to glare at him. But it was no use. The tears started to fall.

"Fuck," he swore. His eyes were tired, but they still reached out to me. Begging me. "Don't cry, Nessa. Please."

"How am I not supposed to cry, you giant asshole?" I yelled before turning away, not able to look at him any longer. My brain was tangling itself in the mess that was Grayson's expression. Trying to figure out what it meant. Trying to figure out how he felt. "The last thing you told me was that you were going to text me when you got home. And then you never did. It's been weeks."

"I can explain," his stern voice replied, making me turn back to look at him with exasperation.

"No. No, you can't. A single text, Grayson. You couldn't even give me a single text?"

"I was—"

"Save it. I—"

He placed a finger over my lips.

Shit, he was touching me. No, he wasn't just touching me. He was caressing my bottom lip with his thumb. And his eyes were pleading and fiery and watching my mouth. Oh shit, I really hadn't planned for this. His touch, that is. Or really anything to do with his hands. Or his soft words when he spoke next.

"Let me explain," he said, voice gravelly. "Let me drive you home. I have a caramel macchiato waiting in the car."

"No," I said bitingly, forcing myself to back away. From him. And his touch. And his words. "Have a nice summer, Grayson. Or don't, I don't care."

I whipped open the door to the dorms and let the tears really fall.

"Nessa—"

The door slammed behind me.

I hated him. I really did.

Because I told myself not to like him. I made myself not like him. I'd known this was going to happen. I'd known the minute I let him in, he'd hurt me. He was just like every other guy on campus.

I knew what would happen. And I still fucked up.

So maybe I didn't really hate Grayson Everett. Maybe I just hated myself.

After all, I just wasn't that great of a person. And I didn't have anything to believe in anymore.

💗

You might recognize this chapter from the end of the fire we started. I had unpublished it over there because I knew it was going to be a little different than I'd written it the first time. Grayson and Nessa are far closer than it made it seem in the original version. That's what I get when I try to write things out of order.

xoxo amelie

ps thank you for all the kind well wishes last chapter. Much love to you all!