20/01/21

Of all the things I never said, this is the craziest.
I never said my favourite music. I never said how I love crazy jazz because it fills my heart with excitement, or that when I'm sad I listen to old songs. I never told you that I hated songs with minor chords because it was like wishing myself away earlier than necessary. I thought that you'd disagree with me and call me stupid. I pretended I liked the heavy metal music that you practically breathe, so that we wouldn't fight. To me, music is something you can drown in, something I don't tell people about my tastes of, seeing as so many people would change their opinions on me, for it. I love music that crawls into my skin and makes me feel more alive than I did before I turned it on. Maybe I should have told you more of my tastes, maybe I shouldn't have been afraid of you disagreeing with me, seeing as if we'd just fought over that, I would probably only disregard you. 

I used to think that we were really similar, but actually, it's the opposite. I guess I didn't look close enough. Not close enough to see how black is your favourite way to heal, or how you don't like walking in the rain. I looked to see how every time your heart broke, you would sweep the pieces under a rug, so no one saw how much you hurt. But eventually, you stopped trying to hide it. Maybe it was whilst I was writing to you. That would be ironic. For a whole year, I wrote sad stories, and you were staring in the mirror as cracks eased in, mouthing your own sad story aloud. Is that supposed to hurt? 

Whilst I knew you, I watched you walk into school every day, and each day your smile faded more. It made me happy that you seemed so excited about moving, and for a while, that fulfilled my needs. Then I went to a counselling session and found out I had to make myself happy too. What does this link to music? Well, I realised that I should have told you about my music tastes because I can't be satisfied with only you being happy. If the kinds of music that I like make me happy, I don't need to hide it from you. 

So, here goes, I like Freya Ridings, Clean Bandit, Becky Hill, JP Cooper, JP Saxe, Sam Smith, Abba and more. I love 'Shine' by years and years, and I love jazz and old music all the time. I love listening to music that I don't quite know all the lyrics to, as I write, so I don't get distracted. 

I probably need to tell you most, that I listened to Tightrope, from The Greatest Showman movie, on repeat for at least an hour and a half, the day you moved. Funny, I now can't listen to that song without nearly crying or screaming.  If you've ever listened to the lyrics, you might understand. Or maybe not.