The following day, Sasuke begins panicking on our way to school. I can sense it before he even gets the words out. His breathing pattern changes. It gets loud, heavy... like he might have an attack. "Stop the car," he suddenly murmurs.

"What...?" I ask. "Why?"

"Just do it," he says.

"Gimme a sec," I mutter.

"Pull over!" he shouts frantically. "Pull over now!"

"Fucking chill," I shriek back, skidding onto the side of the road and feeling my adrenaline rising the more panicked Sasuke gets. Once the car stops, Sasuke flings the door open and exits the vehicle. He begins running as fast as he can and I don't hesitate to chase after him. "Fuck," I mutter to myself as I force my legs to carry me down the street, past the park and into a nearby forest. "Wait!" I shout at him. "Damn it...!"

Nonetheless, he doesn't stop so I keep chasing him, even after my legs start to tire. Once we're deep in the woods, he finally freezes. He begins laughing before being overcome with a wave of sobs. He sinks to the ground, clawing at his chest and hyperventilating.

When I finally catch up I'm at a loss of what to do. "Should... Should I call someone?" I ask shakily.

Sasuke doesn't answer. For a moment, it's quiet – too quiet – and then Sasuke starts to scream. I cover my ears, heart palpitating with shock at the sound he's emitting. I take a breath, lowering my hands. I kneel in front of him, but it doesn't even look like he sees me. I reach forward and put a hand on his shoulder and he finally stops. He takes in a ragged breath, raising a hand and hitting me in the chest. It's a pretty tired hit. He does it again and again. The hits are all half-hearted and they don't hurt, so I don't stop him. Soon, he pauses and shudders. He stands up and begins laughing again – laughing and shaking and crying.

"Sasuke...?" I say his name. I feel like I'm watching him descend into insanity. I don't know what to do. I know I can't bring him back if it does happen.

He lets out a sigh, sniffing and wiping his eyes. Then he starts running again. This time, it's harder to keep up because I'm still tired.

Eventually, I lose him and I get angry – at him and at myself and at this damn forest for being so fucking confusing. I close my eyes and take a deep, calm breath. I don't want to get angry. It doesn't solve anything. Shit just gets worse.

"Sasuke!" I call his name.

Nothing.

"Sasuke!" I try once more.

Again, nothing.

I'm getting worried. Who the hell knows what he'll do out alone in the woods? I take my cellphone out of my pocket. I guess there's nothing left to do now but call the cops to send a fuckin' search party for the both of us, 'cause I don't know how the fuck I'm getting out of here. I unlock the screen, only to find that I have no signal. Fucking great.

Fuck! I feel my throat constrict and the anger is coming back. I feel is throughout every inch of my physical and mental being – in every limb and every thought.

I continue walking around the forest, calling his name. I don't know for how long. It's quiet, though. Just the sounds of nature – sounds I'd usually find nice, but it's all pissing me off right now because these aren't the sounds I'm searching for. I just want to hear a voice – Sasuke's voice. Then I'll know he's okay and that he didn't do anything bad.

I check my phone again. An hour went by and there's still no service. I've never been in this forest before, so I don't even know how big it is but clearly it's pretty fucking big if I'm this lost.

"Sasuke!" I call again, feeling sickeningly desperate.

Nothing. Nothing, nothing, fucking nothing until –

"Naruto...?"

I turn around and there he is. His expression is no longer frenzied, but he looks paler than usual. I let out a relieved sigh. "Fucking hell, you scared me," I say with a sigh. He laughs in response. It's a different kind of laugh and it sounds strange coming from him. I frown because something doesn't seem right. "Where were you?" I ask. "Why'd you run off? Are you okay now?" The questions pour out. He laughs again and he sounds fucking insane. I allow my eyes to rake over every inch of him and that's when I see it – blood. It's on his hands. I reach forward and snatch one of his wrists, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a few shallow cuts and one deep, ragged looking cut. "Fuck...!" I exclaim, voice cracking. I grab his other wrist and roll up the sleeve. More blood. More cuts. I let out a miserable sob. "I can't help you here!" I shout at him, ignoring the fact that I'm probably crying. "We're lost!"

"I know," is all he says.

"You know..." I repeat in disbelief. I take my hoodie off, ripping strip of cloth off of it and tying it around Sasuke's wrist.

"Stop!" he shouts, struggling against my hold.

"No!" I hiss, backhanding him across the face. I don't do it hard, just enough to stun him – nonetheless it doesn't work. He's not fazed. It's like he's high off his emotions. "I'm going to help you, whether you want me to or not!"

"Stop!" he shouts again. "Stop! Stop! STOP!" Weakly, he pushes me away and when it looks like he's about to dart off again, I grab a handful of his hair.

"You're losing blood!" I scream. "You're dying! You're gonna fucking die!"

He stares at me, giving me a dull look. He doesn't look like he cares and there's something in his eyes that I can't quite place.

"Where'd you even get a knife?" I growl.

"Pocket knife," he corrects hoarsely. "I... I stole it from your... from your car before running out."

"Sasuke?" I say his name. He stumbles and I forcibly lie him down, wrapping the makeshift bandages around his wrists. Once they're tight, I urge him to stay awake before carrying him bridal style.

I feel my energy coming back, but then again, it's probably just the adrenaline because I'm scared shitless.

"Stay awake... stay awake," I keep repeating, pleading with him even though I know it's in vain. "Stay awake!" I say again, louder this time.

He doesn't listen. Of course he doesn't fucking listen.

  ||XxXx||     

I don't know for how long I was running, but eventually I found the main. The amount of relief I felt was unimaginable.

Naturally, Sasuke is okay... but he scared the shit out of me and I start crying again when he wakes up. Sasuke doesn't look thrilled about it. He looks completely monotonous. "Sorry, my bad," is all he says. He doesn't sound it. His voice is flat and careless. He's probably irritated at me or maybe his futile attempt.

"You can't keep doing shit like this," I murmur, wiping my eyes. He's on a pretty dangerous streak lately. I don't want it to escalate. I don't want him to get it right next time and die. I don't think I'd be able to handle that.

"I know..." is all he says. He doesn't seem to care.

"Do you want to kill yourself?" I ask weakly, desperate for answers I know I'll never get.

"No..." he sits up and stares at the bandages covering his arms, frowning.

"Then why did you try?"

"I can't put it into words," he admits. "There's no way I can make you understand."

I can't help but see where he's coming from. He's right. I don't understand. I probably never will because I'm not him and I don't know how he feels or what he's experiencing. I can't even begin to imagine it because I've never faced the kind of tragedies he's faced. I don't know what it would be like to lose someone. I don't know what it would be like to face death at the hand of someone you love. I don't fucking know. So all I muster up is, "Yeah."

"Do you still want me, even now?" he asks out of the blue.

"Yeah," I repeat.

"Why?" he scoffs. "My priorities are clearly lacking."

"It's not your fault," I offer. I prefer talking to him like this – when he's himself. But I guess I can't really pick and choose. He can't pick and choose either. He can't turn his negative emotions on and off. It'd be fuckin' stupid and selfish of me to even ask him to try. I need to accept him like this – and I do.

It sucks, though. Now both Itachi and Sasuke are in the hospital – though Itachi is in a different kind of hospital than Sasuke.

"I'll stop," he says suddenly.

"What?" I ask.

"I'll... I'll try harder," he murmurs.

"Will you?" I wonder. "Will you really?"

He presses his lips together, glancing past me. He doesn't bother responding.

  ||XxXx||     

I spend the following day with Kiba, who is full of questions I'm hesitant to answer. Even though it's not my story to share, I still feel the need to talk about it with someone who will actually let me, so I end up spilling my guts crying again. When I'm done talking, Kiba is wide-eyed but silent. He's at a loss, I can tell. For fuck's sake, I'm at a loss, too.

"I don't know what to say," he admits, patting my shoulder. His voice is uncharacteristically quiet and I don't have it in me to feel awkward, even though we've never really had a conversation like this before. Kiba is pretty happy go lucky. I guess I am, too... on most days, at least.

"There's nothing to be said," I tell him, pressing my fingertips to my closed eyelids. I sniffle loudly and exhale, but the tremors still won't stop.

"Yeah," he agrees softly.

Itachi is locked away again. It was bound to happen... but Mikoto wants him back home. Of fucking course. Nonetheless, it won't happen. Not this time.

It's all pretty messed up if you ask me. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. Nonetheless, Mikoto thinks that a hospital is worse for Itachi than being at home, though he can't be monitored when he's at home the way he can be in a hospital. I suppose I understand her point. At home, people care. At home, there's family. At the hospitals, they're being paid. There are some great doctors, but in opposition, there are lots of shitty ones, too.

"What now?" Kiba asks.

"I don't know," I admit.

"You shouldn't date him," he adds sheepishly.

"Why not?" I wonder, though I already know what he's going to tell me.

"He's a bit messed up, right?" Kiba starts. "I mean, I think his first priority should be himself. A relationship would only give him something else to worry about. He doesn't seem to need that. He has a lot on his plate."

"You make it sound like he can't have normal things," I murmur. "I'm not going to treat him like he's weak just because he's going through some shit."

"That's not what I'm saying..." Kiba insists.

"It sounds like that's exactly what you're saying," I retort.

He just rolls his eyes. "It's not a normal situation, to be blunt."

"Everyone has issues these days," I offer. "Some just have it worse than others and sometimes things can't be fixed. Sometimes all you can do is try to cope. I mean, look at me. I've got anger management problems. Look at you. You say every damn thing that comes to your mind. You never use filters. You offend people left and right. You're on Ritalin, but it doesn't help."

Kiba wrinkles his nose at me. "You think Sasuke will stay fucked up forever?" he wonders.

"He might," I consider. "That's why I'm just saying... I accept the way things are. I don't accept some of the stuff he does, but I accept his illness. I'm trying to learn more about it so I won't do the wrong thing. I do want to be with him. That's not going to change. He's not going to scare me away, even if he wants to."

For a moment, Kiba only sighs. "You're stubborn when it comes to people you care about."

"I know," I snort. "It's a bit of a problem, isn't it?"

"Maybe not in this case," he admits with a shrug. "Just don't get your hopes up or anything."

"I won't," I say. "I've been warned already by one of Itachi's friends. He keeps telling me to prepare for the worst but just about every horrible thing I can imagine has happened to Sasuke. The only worse thing would be death, but he's managed to escape it."

"His luck might run out," Kiba murmurs. "Not to sound macabre, but it's true. He does a lot of risky things, huh? Well, one of these days he'll get bit in the ass and he'll be dead, whether by his own hand or someone else's. It'll be too late."

"Tsk," I click my tongue. "Don't say that..."

Kiba frowns at me. "I mean it, dude. Shit happens. It sucks, but people kill themselves all the time. People get murdered all the time. People get hurt. People die."

"I know," I say tersely.

"Sorry, dude," he apologises insincerely. "Just being honest."

"I know," I repeat myself in the same bitter tone. I don't want to be tart. I know he's just trying to help, but he's not. He's kind of bad at this stuff. He's even worse than I am when it comes to emotional shit. I kind of wish I could still talk to Sakura about important things, but I can't. Even if I could, I don't think I would. She'd hate me for it and I don't want her to hate me.

"So," Kiba says with finality. "What are you going to do next?"

"Wait," I tell him. "It's all I can do right now."

"You can't help him," Kiba adds.

"I know," I sigh. "Everyone keeps warning me of it."

"Well, you have a bit of a hero complex," Kiba notes. "You want to fix and save everyone, but you can't. Take this as a lesson."

"I know," I repeat, gritting my teeth.

"Nonetheless, maybe you can help him help himself," he relents.

"How?" I wonder.

Kiba shrugs. "I dunno, dude. You'll have to figure that part out. You know Sasuke better than I do."

"He just needs to cut all the shit out of his life and stop drifting towards dangerous people," I murmur.

But I've tried fucking hard to get him to distance himself from certain men. It didn't work out the way I planned. I just ended up making things worse for him.

  ||XxXx||     

On Monday, Sasuke is at school. He smiles at me in the hallway and he even nods at Kiba, who gets weirded out. He's probably trying to compensate for the shit that happened last week. I'm still tip-toeing around the issue. It hasn't been mentioned since the day it happened. I left it at that. I knew he didn't want to talk about it. Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it either. It'd be easier to just forget about it, but we shouldn't let that happen. If we do, there might be a repeat. I don't really want that.

In first period, me and Kiba find Sasuke and crowd him. I sit on his right while Kiba sits on his left. He gives us both a strange look, but doesn't question us. Instead, he looks straight ahead and pretends he doesn't know what we're doing.

A few minutes later, the teacher walks in and class begins. Sasuke looks studious as ever, but I'm sure his mind is wandering. I know mine is... then again, I was never the smart type. I look past Sasuke and see that Kiba is doodling a cartoon dog on his loose leaf paper. Productive. But at least he's doing something, unlike me. I'm just sitting here worrying about things I have zero control over.

  ||XxXx||     

"I don't need a drive today," Sasuke tells me after classes.

"Why not?" I ask.

"I've got one already," he says.

"Oh," I state.

"There he is," Sasuke points. "Bye, Naruto."

"See yah..." I mumble. I watch him walk away, getting into a car. I squint, trying to see the face of the man sitting in the front seat but I can't. All I see is a head of silver hair. At least I know it's not the bio teacher. I'll take comfort in that much.

For now, I shrug it off and make my way to the parking lot, getting into my car and driving home. My mom greets me when I step inside and I force a smile, feeling tired.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Stressed out," I tell her.

"Want to talk about it?" she offers. "I'm making tea. Have a cup and tell me what's wrong."

"All right," I relent. I follow her back into the kitchen and sit at the table while she stands in front of the stove, steeping tea leaves in a pot. I watch as she gets out two cement mugs and a strainer, pouring the tea inside. A moment later, she turns the stove off and sits across from me, placing two cups on the table – one for her and one for me. I wrap my fingers around the warm cup and stare at the steam rising.

"So..." she starts. "Is it Sasuke?"

"Yeah," I murmur. I don't bother asking her how she knows. She is well aware of the situation. We're sleeping together. She probably understands it goes deeper, though. I fell apart when he went missing. Hell, I've been falling apart a lot lately. "I love him," I admit aloud for the first time.

She doesn't look surprised. She simply nods sagely. "I had a feeling you might."

"Really?" I wonder.

She nods once more. "You're different with him. You both challenge each other. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. I think you both need it. You're good for one another. You complement each other."

I force a weary smile. "I know he feels something for me, too, but he won't say it. He's kind of... all over the place. Plus, I'm not the only guy he's... y'know. I'm far from it."

"I see," she says softly before taking a sip of tea.

"I'm so worried he's going to kill himself," I choke. "Itachi's friend Kisame told me I better prepare for it. I don't want to, though. I don't want to teach myself to expect the worst."

"He's a very sick boy," Mom murmurs.

"I know," I say bitterly.

"He's gotten himself into so much recently," she continues. "Mikoto told me what happened to him. She said you told her he got assaulted by a teacher."

"Ex teacher," I mutter. "And he didn't get assaulted... He didn't just get beat up or battered. He was fucking raped."

Mom closes her eyes. "I know."

"I feel like it made things worse," I say, "but he's just bottling everything up. It's like he isn't sure how to express himself... or maybe he just can't bear it."

"Perhaps he's afraid to express himself," Mom suggests. "Then the reality of it will sink in."

"Sometimes... I think it'd be best if he went to a hospital," I admit. "Maybe it would help him? But then again, maybe not... Either way, Mikoto would never go for it. She wants to take care of her sons on her own."

Mom smiles somewhat sadly. "We never told you, but your father spent a month in an institution," she reveals.

That surprises me. "What?" I ask hoarsely.

"It was a little while before you were born. I was still working as a secretary, so your father was able to take unpaid leave from work," she starts. "You remember he used to get panic attacks?"

"Yeah," I nod slowly.

"He's... such an anxious man," she says with a soft sigh. "It was affecting everything he did. It got to be too much. He was unhappy. He wasn't looking forward to anything, even with you on the way... So I suggested he take a break from the real world."

"And he did?" I ask.

She nods. "He didn't even fight me on it. He knew I was right. So, he signed himself in. I went to visit him as much as I could. The doctors helped him manage his anxiety. They showed him how to cope. I think he broadened his mind, strange as it sounds. After just half a month, he was so much better. A few weeks after he left, you were born. He cried happy tears."

I smile slightly. "Dad and Sasuke are pretty different, though."

"True," Mom agrees, "but sometimes, if you go in with determination, something good might happen. I think it's worth a try."

"I don't know," I groan. "I just feel like Sasuke is the type of person who would be so angry at being forced into a hospital that nothing good would come of it. Plus... some hospitals have pretty bad reps."

You hear horror stories of people being stripped of their clothes, subdued, locked in isolation. It sounds like shit.

"Not the one in Konoha," Mom promises.

"Oh," I say. "I guess, in the end, it's up to Sasuke."

"It is," Mom agrees. "Maybe he'll learn how to manage his illness better."

"Maybe," I mumble. "I... I really want him to be happy."

She smiles sympathetically. "I know, honey... but sometimes happiness is something certain people never find."

"Yeah," I whisper. I close my eyes and take a sip of tea – a long sip. It's no longer hot. It's just warm. It tastes calm. I try to let that feeling take me over... but it won't. I open my eyes and set the cup back down. My hands are shaking. I rest them on my lap to my mom won't see. Nonetheless, I think she has. She gives me another sympathetic smile, reaching forward and offering her palm. I let out a breath, giving her one of my hands. She holds it in hers, but doesn't say anything for a long time. Neither do I. My chest feels tight. It feels heavy. I feel heavy. I don't like it. Part of me wants to go back to where I was a few months ago, before this ever happened. Before I really got to know Sasuke. Before things got difficult... But that's just stupid. You can't go back. You can't ever go back. People who only worry about what has been will always be sad.

As if reading my mind, Mom says, "Don't think about yesterday. Don't think about tomorrow. Don't think about what happened a few minutes ago or what will happen in the next few minutes. Just spend some time concentrating on this second."

"I don't know how," I admit weakly.

"Clear your mind," she says gently. "Just relax."

"Every time I try, my mind starts to wander," I tell her.

She smiles slightly. "Things won't stay bad forever, Naruto."

"But right now, things are bad," I say. "I want it to stop."

"Someday it will," she promises.

I let out yet another breath. I know she's trying to make me feel better. Maybe she has, but only slightly. I guess the rest is up to me. I can't let my happiness depend on Sasuke. I'm not a parasite. I can't depend on him.

Happiness... I should try and find it within myself. Funny, I used to think I was happy. Then I realized I was just pretending. Fake it 'til you make it, right? Well, I never quite made it... but I should keep trying.

Mom squeezes my hand before letting go. "Don't think about Sasuke, Naruto."

"I'm trying not to," I admit, but it's not working. "What would happen if Sasuke and me were together?"

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Would I make things worse?" I wonder.

She shakes her head. "You wouldn't make things better and you wouldn't make things worse, Naruto. That's the reality of it. You won't do a damn thing to change him. He needs to be the one to make the change."

"Yeah," I sigh. "I thought so."

What Kisame told me is probably true. I can't save everyone. I can't keep playing the hero. It's just crap. I need to get this through my thick head and just accept the reality of the situation.

"How do you feel?" Mom asks.

"I don't know," I murmur. "Kind of numb."

"Why don't you take a nap or watch a movie," she suggests.

"Are you busy?" I ask her.

She shakes her head.

"Can you watch something with me?" My voice is kind of pitiful.

"Sure, sweetie," she says. She takes her empty cup and my half-empty cup, placing them in the sink. Together, we exit the kitchen and enter the living room. I pick a stupid movie – one that might make us laugh. As it plays, I lie my head on my mom's lap and she plays with my hair. I feel like a child again, though I'm not. I'll be eighteen years old soon enough. I'll be graduating soon. I'll be in college. I'll be getting a job. I'll be moving out. I'll be paying bills. I'll be doing all kinds of things I have no idea how to do.

Shit. I really need to stop thinking.

I close my eyes and try to blank my mind. I just concentrate on the sensation of my mom's fingers running through my hair. I don't speak. Neither does she. The room is silent apart from the voices coming from the television, but this time, I don't mind.