[a/n: Part 1: 10 chapters left! This chapter is different from all others in this book, as it is a letter, but nevertheless, I hope you enjoy it.]

[a/n: Part 2: WARNING: Prepare your O'Hara Hearts (:]

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Dear Alex,

I don't know what to call you anymore. For many minutes, I have sat here contemplating who I am. Who we are. Who you are. You are my girlfriend. You are my first love. Simple, direct, the most fitting thing I could write down. But then, I am an idiot. But I have always believed I was your idiot. 

Long, hard, excruciating hours of every day, every week, I have spent just thinking about writing this letter. Right now, right here, I can barely believe I am. Everyone has always said I am a person of few, if any, words. As stated earlier, I am an idiot. I've always left the talking up to you. 

But right now, I am going to talk. I am going to tell you how I feel. Listen up, Alex. 

Today is December 31st, 2010. I will not start the new year with a lie. 

I remember the first day we met. I was talking to Allie in the common room, trying to remain cool and interesting enough, trying to make a good impression, when you walked in. Your hair was parted on the side, your long brown locks flowing down onto your black North Face jacket that you lost a few weeks ago. You wore ripped jean shorts, that displayed the obvious tan line from your California sun. 

In that moment it was like some overdone cheesy romantic comedy, the ones I call chick flicks. Girl sees girl for the first time, falls irreversibly, undeniably, in love. Well. It's the truth. That shit really did happen - at least it did for me. I loved you in that moment, and not once have I ever stopped. Honestly speaking I don't think I could, and I have tried. I will admit that freely. I have tried, so hard, to stop loving you. I hate feeling like a failure because I simply can't.

You were walking with Hope when I saw you. Your green eyes were filled with excitement, determination and yet nerves. I didn't understand why someone with your looks and your mind and your heart could be nervous. You were beautiful. You are beautiful. 

I wanted to be your best friend from the first day I saw you. Obviously, Hope has the role now. You were there when I was arrested with my friend Heather. You were there when I tried to kill myself. But, you're not there now. 

Everyday I have to force myself out of bed because I can't. My love for you is final and infinite. As long as my body takes breath I shall continue to love you. With that said I can no longer trust you. Can not sit by your side any longer. My life of pretend must end.

Just hearing your voice. Just a simple thing as that, it makes me die further inside. Yet. Not hearing it hurts just as much. No matter what I do I shall be forever tortured as long as I live. Because. No matter how I wish to, I can't stop loving you. It's just not something I am able to do.

Do you remember that first night we spent together? Holding you in my arms that very first time. My arms around your waist, your back against me. All that was between our skin was our shirts. I vowed, on that day, I would never hurt you. I vowed I would protect you until my dying breath, because you had saved my life. As you slept I kissed your shoulder and prayed to higher beings that do not exist that the night would not end. We hadn't even had sex, hadn't even been on a proper date, but I would have been happy dying like that. 

I wish I had.

When we first started to date, I had been elated. You were my everything. You were my happy ending, the only person in the world I thought life wasn't worth living without. That's why I stayed with you. Not only because I loved you, but because you made me happier than I had felt in my entire life. 

To be honest, I don't feel that way with you anymore.

Around mid-October, my roommate and I grew close. We were always talking to each other, texting nonstop, and whenever we were together, we would laugh. Oh, shit, we would crack up, roll over on the floor and just laugh. I was happy. I felt worth something. I felt a little tug at my heart. 

But I was happy with you too. It was a different kind of feeling when I spent time with you. It was calm and relaxing, a chance for me to be myself and know that you would love me no matter what. With Allie, I felt respected and free and wild. I felt like the world was a string dangling on the tips of my fingers; full of opportunities and happiness, but with one drop it could all crumble to the ground and never be able to be revived. 

For the last few months, my mind has become an unstable, unsteady warzone that was prone to self destruction and dark thoughts. I've been fighting this battle between me, myself and my feelings that I don't want to fight. 

I don't know what I want. I love you, Al. I will always love you to the day that I die. But, I love Allie too. She's my everything as well. If this breaks your heart, I'm sorry. I know that you love me too. If you hate me and never want to see me again, I'm sorry. 

I love you. 

I don't know who I need to be with. If I was with you, half my heart would be broken and crumble into dirt. If I was with Allie, I would long for your touch and your soft finger's stroke everyday for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry.

I love you. 

K.M. O'Hara